Joint Custody Having to break no contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After a massive uphill battle I finally have joint custody of my kids, following eight weeks of supervised visitation, at the end of which my monitor actually thanked me because I was one of the few cases where he said I really didn’t need supervised visitation and a court custody investigation where the investigator said basically the same thing.  The only drawback is I have to break no contact.  And boy howdy how my ex is trying everything she can to charm.  She leaves me these long rambling messages and throws literally every amount of drama she can at me.  She’s obviously been saying negative things about me to my kids and her smear campaign continues as every parent I talk to gives me weird looks and treats me weird.  I even caught her backstabbing me on an invitation thread for a child’s birthday party.  She’s fallen back into her old ways of trying to guilt and shame me into things and is blame shifting, gaslighting and all the usual tricks.  She’s tried lying to me about how much our kids activities costs and acts “surprised” when I do my own checking and find that the activities that she wants to enroll our kids in are hundreds of dollars less than what she’s saying.  It’s miserable seeing that I have messages from her and that feeling in the pit of my stomach starts churning every time I open my email box and see that I have new message after new message after new message.  Now that I’m through the fog and I can see her tactics for what they are it helps, but with my new insight there is also new awareness how truly damaged she it.  And that really makes my heart sink knowing she will never change.  She says she’s in therapy, but I can tell from her messages that it isn’t working.  And also I have trouble believing that she’s actually going because she keeps misspelling her therapist’s name.  I know it’s a small thing, but you’d figure after “months of therapy” she would know her own therapist’s name by now.  I love having my kids back and we’re falling into our old routines.  Things are calm, structure and peaceful.  My kids feel at home in my new place and having them asleep in the room next to mine is a comfort that I haven’t felt in months.  I can’t stop looking at them and randomly getting up and giving them hugs. The first night they spent at my new place I actually started to cry a little.  It felt so great seeing them and picking them up from school and talking to them.  All this would be great if I didn’t have to worry about what fresh new drama my ex is going to start spinning.  I swear she can’t live a day without some new “crisis” consuming everything.  For a long time I was out of her bubble, I was away from her and the toxicity that she spews.  Now, I’m faced with what feels like a deluge of the madness that I had hoped I’d be away from.  But I guess you can’t have one without the other.  I can’t have my kids in my life without the bitterness of having my ex around, lurking in the shadows.   

Sorry needed to vent. 

[pausercell]

After a massive uphill battle I finally have joint custody of my kids, following eight weeks of supervised visitation, at the end of which my monitor actually thanked me because I was one of the few cases where he said I really didn’t need supervised visitation and a court custody investigation where the investigator said basically the same thing.  The only drawback is I have to break no contact.  And boy howdy how my ex is trying everything she can to charm.  She leaves me these long rambling messages and throws literally every amount of drama she can at me.  She’s obviously been saying negative things about me to my kids and her smear campaign continues as every parent I talk to gives me weird looks and treats me weird.  I even caught her backstabbing me on an invitation thread for a child’s birthday party.  She’s fallen back into her old ways of trying to guilt and shame me into things and is blame shifting, gaslighting and all the usual tricks.  She’s tried lying to me about how much our kids activities costs and acts “surprised” when I do my own checking and find that the activities that she wants to enroll our kids in are hundreds of dollars less than what she’s saying.  It’s miserable seeing that I have messages from her and that feeling in the pit of my stomach starts churning every time I open my email box and see that I have new message after new message after new message.  Now that I’m through the fog and I can see her tactics for what they are it helps, but with my new insight there is also new awareness how truly damaged she it.  And that really makes my heart sink knowing she will never change.  She says she’s in therapy, but I can tell from her messages that it isn’t working.  And also I have trouble believing that she’s actually going because she keeps misspelling her therapist’s name.  I know it’s a small thing, but you’d figure after “months of therapy” she would know her own therapist’s name by now.  I love having my kids back and we’re falling into our old routines.  Things are calm, structure and peaceful.  My kids feel at home in my new place and having them asleep in the room next to mine is a comfort that I haven’t felt in months.  I can’t stop looking at them and randomly getting up and giving them hugs. The first night they spent at my new place I actually started to cry a little.  It felt so great seeing them and picking them up from school and talking to them.  All this would be great if I didn’t have to worry about what fresh new drama my ex is going to start spinning.  I swear she can’t live a day without some new “crisis” consuming everything.  For a long time I was out of her bubble, I was away from her and the toxicity that she spews.  Now, I’m faced with what feels like a deluge of the madness that I had hoped I’d be away from.  But I guess you can’t have one without the other.  I can’t have my kids in my life without the bitterness of having my ex around, lurking in the shadows.   

Sorry needed to vent. 

[AnuDay]

No problem.  Know that you are not alone.  Many of us go through the exact same thing.  Try checking your email less often.  Also automatic filtering works good.  Create a folder for her emails and set rules where all of the emails go into that folder and when you are emotionally ready take a peak in that folder from time to time.  Try not to give emotional responses.  She wants you to react and go on her roller coaster ride.  It's a challenge not to react, but do so for the kids sake.  Try to keep the drama low.  The less you react the better everything will be.  Soon your ex will see that she cannot get a rouse out of you. 

[GaGrl]

Although your emails can serve as a record, you might want to petition court to require all communications with your ex to go though a site such as Our Family Wizard -- look into it; it is specifically a court-approved tool for communications regarding custody/visitation/court-ordered activities, etc.

You can find a way through dealing with your ex on these issues. We can help you.

[pausercell]

Thanks for the good advice guys.  I appreciate it

[ForeverDad]

You could also handle reimbursements this way, "Please send me a copy of the bills for the children's activities and I will review what my portion will be."

I'm assuming you're in the temp order phase?  Can you give a general description of the parenting schedule?  Alternate weekends or equal time?  Be aware temp orders are not as temporary as they imply, at least not in our high conflict cases.  I recall my lawyer telling me, "Hush, we'll fix things later."  It turned out to be a two year divorce and neither lawyers nor judges were inclined to fix any of the temp order's problems.

Be a bit cautious about paying for the kid's expenses, you may regret giving advance blanket approvals.  Below is my comment about school and college expenses, especially if the ex doesn't care about cost since you're paying.

In any deals, make sure you know what the maximum costs are, set price limits to the local inexpensive comparables.  There was one dad here many years ago who agreed to pay school expenses, figuring they would be only a few hundred dollars per year.  Ex then immediately enrolled their child in a private school and he got stuck with high tuition costs and the court just looked at him and essentially ruled, "You agreed she would handle school decisions and that you would pay the costs, you're stuck."

[GaGrl]

One of the problems with the email and phone message "dumps" is that you end up being subjected to do much info that has NOTHING to do with your child. The challenge is to sort through the communication and reply only to what is relevant to your child.

Eventually, you'll get really good at this. Treat it like a puzzle! You might even find sometimes that, while there is a shred of info on there regarding your chold, it doesn't require an answer.

Practically, one technique is to highlight an email for the relevant into that requires an answer. This visually lets you see how much is just "blah-blah-blah." Then answer only the highlighted into ( don't let her see the highlighting).

The objective is for her to (eventually) learn that only child-related communications get an answer, and that answer is BIFF (Brief-Informative-Factual-Firm).

[mama-wolf]

Hi pausercell,

I'm so happy for you to have your kids back!  I am completely with you on the strain it causes to have to be in contact with your ex as a result, but there are definitely ways to help control that...

Totally agreed with GaGrl on Our Family Wizard.  Per our custody order, my uBPDxw and I communicate through that platform as much as possible.  From my perspective, it's great because because it's a barrier to her ability to bury me in the kind of communications you have described.  It has a section for messaging, a calendar to maintain the custody schedule and handle any trade/swaps etc. you might need, and an Expense Log where you can split costs.

If I do something like go out of town during her custodial time, I make sure she knows how to get hold of me in case there is an emergency with the kids.  Outside of that, I don't check OFW, and I block her emails until I return.  When the kids are with me, there's no reason for her to contact me, so I generally don't check messages from her except at specific times (in case there's a logistical issue with the next exchange).

As FD mentioned, some additional details on the arrangement might help with further suggestions.  Depending on your set-up and how things are going, you might look into having the court appoint a Parent Coordinator.  I made sure we put that in place when I first separated from uBPDxw, and it has been a life saver for me.  If she has a problem with something or wants to pressure me to do something, she knows she has to go through the PC.  There is a cost associated with it, but it has been 100% worth it to me.  And if she abuses the option, the PC has the ability to allocate the entire cost to her.

mw