Just found out I be allowed to see my Grandchild over Christmas

[Parents! Get help here!]

I collected my Grandchild today for a sleepover. Its my birthday weekend and she made me some little paintings and put some sweets in a box..very sweet and cute. No gift from my daughter but that's fine. She did put her name on the card my Grandbaby wrote.

My Grandchild tells me she's been told not to say anything but they are probably spending Christmas in Italy. Of course I was crushed but tried to hide it.

The family is the friend who's brother she had a one night stand with and got pregnant. She didn't tell him because she lost it and was also seeing another friend of hers at the same time.. He didn't ask her out after sleeping with her.The family are heavy drinkers..

 She said Grandma is not allowed to come and will be upset so keep quiet for now. The child told me she said she didn't want to go. I tried to say..you will have fun.it will be exciting. She said Grandma can someone babysit me when you are working and I can stay. OMG...I asked if she was worried about me being alone over Christmas and she said Christmas is for home. I reassured her I will be OK. She wouldn't mind going away at Easter but not Christmas..She has had every Christmas here at my house.

She said her Mother is sending her for another sleepover next weekend or the one after . My dtr is 30 9 days after my birthday.
She told her she can't come to me as I am too sick to babysit. She told her Mother she isn't happy in that house she has to go to. She doesn't feel comfortable sleeping there. Her Mother said if she just goes and doesn't make a fuss she will buy her an expensive game.

The child said she would rather be with me than have the game.

This woman told me she was depressed and suicidal..She is arranging parties and Christmas abroad. She is out partying every other night, even partying and picking up men in front of the child. The child is being farmed out regularly. She is a cold manipulative person.

I wonder when she is intending to spring on me that I can't see the child over Christmas. The child said not to say anything. Of course I won't..Christmas was always going to be a problem. I can understand why going away makes sense to her. I can't see why she is telling the child and telling her not to tell me . Surely she should arrange it and tell me herself. Maybe she is fishing to see if the child tells me things, maybe not..anything is possible

So I will be totally alone over Christmas..It has happened before and last time she had the cheek to call and ask me how to cook a turkey. We were not estranged for the 8 yrs she took her meds.

I have thought a lot about the triangulation and am being mindful of what and how I say anything regarding her Mother.
I love this child.

[Blueskyday]

I collected my Grandchild today for a sleepover. Its my birthday weekend and she made me some little paintings and put some sweets in a box..very sweet and cute. No gift from my daughter but that's fine. She did put her name on the card my Grandbaby wrote.

My Grandchild tells me she's been told not to say anything but they are probably spending Christmas in Italy. Of course I was crushed but tried to hide it.

The family is the friend who's brother she had a one night stand with and got pregnant. She didn't tell him because she lost it and was also seeing another friend of hers at the same time.. He didn't ask her out after sleeping with her.The family are heavy drinkers..

 She said Grandma is not allowed to come and will be upset so keep quiet for now. The child told me she said she didn't want to go. I tried to say..you will have fun.it will be exciting. She said Grandma can someone babysit me when you are working and I can stay. OMG...I asked if she was worried about me being alone over Christmas and she said Christmas is for home. I reassured her I will be OK. She wouldn't mind going away at Easter but not Christmas..She has had every Christmas here at my house.

She said her Mother is sending her for another sleepover next weekend or the one after . My dtr is 30 9 days after my birthday.
She told her she can't come to me as I am too sick to babysit. She told her Mother she isn't happy in that house she has to go to. She doesn't feel comfortable sleeping there. Her Mother said if she just goes and doesn't make a fuss she will buy her an expensive game.

The child said she would rather be with me than have the game.

This woman told me she was depressed and suicidal..She is arranging parties and Christmas abroad. She is out partying every other night, even partying and picking up men in front of the child. The child is being farmed out regularly. She is a cold manipulative person.

I wonder when she is intending to spring on me that I can't see the child over Christmas. The child said not to say anything. Of course I won't..Christmas was always going to be a problem. I can understand why going away makes sense to her. I can't see why she is telling the child and telling her not to tell me . Surely she should arrange it and tell me herself. Maybe she is fishing to see if the child tells me things, maybe not..anything is possible

So I will be totally alone over Christmas..It has happened before and last time she had the cheek to call and ask me how to cook a turkey. We were not estranged for the 8 yrs she took her meds.

I have thought a lot about the triangulation and am being mindful of what and how I say anything regarding her Mother.
I love this child.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

It is obvious you love your granddaughter. Trying to do what is best for her without engaging in unhealthy triangulation with her mother has got to be exhausting particularly given your health challenges. I wonder if there might be a creative way forward. Of course your daughter wants to go to Italy. Trips and parties and sexual affairs is her way of escaping. But does she really want her daughter with her or would she be amenable to another arrangement such as that which your granddaughter suggested? Is that even an option ? Is there another option that might work out? I dont know. Just thinking out loud

[Blueskyday]

I very much doubt it Faith.
She won't leave the child. I suspect half of this is to punish me by leaving me alone over Christmas. She has done it before.It again is all about drink, drugs sex and parties. The child is becoming inconvenient and she feels it.

It will be a veritable booze fest. The child has already told me this friend gets as drunk as her Mother. She is 8 but said its fine as she doesn't have a child. She understands so much. She said they ignore her. What a Christmas. No wonder she doesn't want to go.

I am walking another tightrope. I need her to be able to cope if she takes her away. She is very concerned about the rest of the year.

But for now she is building a den and I am cooking her favourite food. We cooked pancakes together ...

[FaithHopeLove]

If there is no other alternative then you are probably right to focus on helping your granddaughter cope with a less than ideal Christmas and enjoy the moment. Pancakes sound great.

[Blueskyday]

Ohh my Lord this is going to become very ugly very fast.

My daughter knows I am seeing too much. She will begin to fear this if she hasn't already.

I just had to hand over my Grandchild to her in a drunken state. Daughter came to the door bloated and slurring..She looked at me sideways and asked if I had a good time but the seething resentment was palpable.
The child had asked me to go in for a few minutes..before I could respond the door was slammed in my face. Poor kid!

She said to me today Mum is going to buy you a present in town ..bless her! I reassured her that I am happy with the presents she gave me. She is thinking though.

I am very worried that she will pull the plug and prevent me from seeing the child at all. She is behaving so badly in front of her. The child must know something is very wrong between us but hasn't asked. She is very much like that.

She was talking today freely and I told her her Mother loves her very much. I said its a big change starting to work full time..What else is there to say. She does love her..She just can't love herself.

I had charged her phone up. She knows to call if she needs me. She is old enough to take herself to bed. Daughter isn't falling down drunk but drunk she is.
I only hope that that is it for the night.

There are no authorities to tell. No one cares. If I say a word the child will be whipped away from me in a heartbeat. I thank God she is now working full time. This is the only accountability in her life

[Blueskyday]

Having come off of prescription opioids is like waking up. I realise I can't do this alone. I was in a haze for 10 whole years. My default was co dependence.
I know and can finally admit I made my child/her needs, her illness and her child the only reason to live. There is literally not another relationship in my life. I know this extreme isolation is not a conscious choice. The drugs kept me off kilter as did the pain and fatigue of being unwell.

I have lost so many people. My partner died in my arms 8 months after my Mother. This only fuelled the need in me to "be there" for my daughter. Then it all got too much and I withdrew. I put boundaries in place to protect me..I was never fully protected as my boundaries were always a little wobbly. Any and all boundaries are seen as abandonment. Love between me and the child perceived as some kind of abandonment of my daughter by me .

I really want to stop this here. I don't want this beautiful child to be stunted by this illness..Her Mother's or my own need to be needed. I want the child to love me and I her in a healthy positive way.

She has asked me to save her from the babysitter/ sleepover and alarm bells are going off. I have to be there for her as she's 8 but I need to remain healthy to have a healthy relationship with her.

I feel like I am now on the cusp of possibly changing the healthy relationship we have to an unhealthy one and I won't let that happen. For all the opioids, illness and pain it was my daughter who asked to be rescued. I have surprised myself with how I have let go where the child has been concerned. Tonight was / is different.

I have found a codependence meeting and will go next week. I need to reach out. I have to start somewhere.

I have learned so much being here. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I have been in denial. I have done well I think with the child but were less than a month in and things are bad and getting rapidly worse.

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh Bluesky
So much is going on. Yes you are waking up. You are seeing some painful truths and facing those truths with courage. One step at a time. Going to the codependent meeting sounds like a brilliant idea. You reached out here and connected. You can do it in person too.
 

[wendydarling]

  Happy Birthday Bluesky

[Swimmy55]

You can also  be proud of yourself that you are breaking unhealthy patterns and fighting co dependency. You did wonderfully with your time with your Granddaughter.  Christmas is going to be triggering for you ( for many of us), can you come up with any plans at all for yourself so you won't be alone in the house?
Going out to eat maybe, then movies- sort of get reconnected with yourself?

[Blueskyday]

Awwe Wendy thank you.

Well this birthday day sucked and blowed . I went to work and came home and fell asleep..Hardly spoke to a soul..Lost a wheel cover on the way to work ha!

On the plus side Grandbaby sent me a voice message Happy B'day before school and when I woke she has sent a singing version. She loves me so much.

I was relieved she didn't call as I am just not myself and she may have heard it in my voice. I am down a big black hole emotionally with my fingertips clinging to the rim...Just about functioning.

Tomorrow I face the music for being off work again..My boss will escalate me to level 2 sickness. The next level is dismissal.

Christmas is going to be worse I know. I have no idea how to cope. I feel the focus will be on helping the child to cope if they do go. She really is not keen to leave me. Such a mess!

My daughter is clearly planning to leave the dog with me as well over Christmas.
We have no other family as all of mine died except the bpd sister whom I haven't seen for 24yrs..

My daughter reminds me so much of my sister. At times I wonder if I created her illness then I remember my sister trying to ruin my life, my brother who comitted suicide's life and my Motjer's..She would abuse my Mother at her most vulnerable. She was cruel and vindictive..I see her in my daughter. Dtr is not as bad but there are times its close.
I am passive like my Mother was..I can react but I prefer not to.

I have been thinking can I go away ? I am dirt poor a the moment and Christmas is so expensive to travel..
Its not looking great...

I'm probably just tired and lonely. I've been so isolated since returning from Florida..All the medical stuff and my daughter's raging is just too much to bear. Stopping HRT due to the breast issues has plunged me into meno again.

I honestly do not know how I am still standing

I will hopefully pick up

[FaithHopeLove]

Just a thought. Is there an AlAnon group nearby? It doesn't cost a thing and it would get you out of the house and with supportive people.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

That is a thought Faith.
I will certainly try not to be totally alone over Christmas.

I came home to a letter regarding the mammograms and a couple of other tests as well. I go Thursday morning. Lord knows how I will be able to work after.

My boss is asking HR if they have set the bar too low on my sickness. I didn't expect that. I know that HR are there to protect the company so I am not hopeful. He said he can extend the period but declined to do so which confused me. I think I am past caring

I should get a result Thursday if there have been changes..

[Blueskyday]

I wanted to send an update.

They found no changes in the calcifications in the breast today so didn't order a biopsy. Basically not cancer. She drained the huge cyst.
It will take a while to sink in as I have lived under a cloud for over 2 yrs.

I emailed my dtr to say I have the all clear and addressed some of the things she said. Not attacking her but asking things like where is forgiveness..I said she came off of her meds and saw me differently. I am not sure what I expected..I got a backlash

Her response was totally negative. I need the last word. We have always had a toxic relationship. She is suicidal and self harming but my suggestion of seeing a therapist is a joke..and on and on..

I should be celebrating.I am relieved of course.

There is no way forward with her now

[FaithHopeLove]

  The only way I like to see the word cancer is with a big not in front of it. Yes you should be celebrating. Do you think you can let go of your daughter at least for now and do that.?

[Blueskyday]

Yes Faith, you are right.
I think it was the exhaustion and the isolation. I wanted to let her know I got the all clear and said too much. I wasn't  mindful at all. It was a mistake


I am truly happy and relieved all rolled into one. I will move on. It will take a little while to sink in that I am OK. I have subconsciously believed I had cancer for so long and been so depressed.

Having said all of that I sent a message to a shelter which assists the homeless people in my city over the winter. I am going to volunteer if they need me in the early evenings. They may need a cook; I am an excellent cook. It's my gift. I cant' play the piano but my everything I cook is delicious.


I have the co dependency group on Sunday and then I can see the child. She is very excited to plan her Mother's birthday so I bought her a personalised card and a perfume to give her.

Baby steps

P.S thank you Faith 

[twocrazycats]

Bluesky, I'm so happy to hear that you got the all clear! This is wonderful news.

As for the situation with your daughter, at least you will be seeing your granddaughter on Sunday. I hope that brings you some joy. I know that my daughter simply cannot show that she cares about anybody except herself. I would probably not tell her any of my medical news unless she asked or in one of the rare moments when she doesn't seem to be in crisis. I've accepted that I am there for her, I show empathy with her, and I expect nothing in return. Except of course that she respect any boundaries that I've set. But I don't expect her to relate to me in a truly caring way the way a non BPD would. It's actually a relief to not expect that from her anymore. I am hoping that by expecting nothing from my daughter, and at the same time stepping out of her way so that she can deal with the natural consequences from the rest of the world on her own, she can grow and heal, at least maybe a little. Maybe you could try a similar approach with your daughter?

I hope you do celebrate your very good news!

2CC

[FaithHopeLove]

Volunteering at the homeless shelter and sharing your gift of cooking is a brilliant idea! It gets you out of the house among people and it is a great service to others. Go for it!

[Blueskyday]

Wise words 2 cats. How I wish I could have managed that. Its all such a mess.

I am trying to keep things as even for the child as possible. She is so clued up.


I gave my number to my friend today who moved upstairs. He's like a son to me. He is isolated and lives with his Mum so I said we can be loners together.. Young ppl love me which is ironic..I did a pick jeans and we will tell you your age quiz..I am under 21 apparently .

Baby steps...My boob is so painful, work was stressful and normal but I feel better

[wendydarling]

  Bluesky what relief you received the all clear, that's marvellous news I'm so very happy for you.   

My boob is so painful, work was stressful and normal but I feel better

Ouch, I hope the pain goes soon. Thank goodness it's the weekend and you've time for you.

Is it your first time at the co dependency group on Sunday?

WDx

[Blueskyday]

Yes Wendy first time. Its only a mile away and I can park so it should be easy.

I will pick my baby up for a few hrs after.

[FaithHopeLove]

I think this codependent group is a brilliant idea.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Bluesky!   I've been away for a bit, and I just read your good health news!  I'm SO happy for you!   Things are looking up.  I love it that you're going to volunteer at the shelter.  You will probably meet some great people there too.  Oh happy day 

[Blueskyday]

I think so too Faith. The fog is lifting the longer I am off the Opioids. I have been incredibly co dependent and I need help to fix it.

I have asked my dtr about Christmas over email. If she is taking the child away I need to hear it from her not the child. When she told me her Mum may be taking her away it winded me.

I need to know sooner rather than later to have an alternative Christmas before the child goes.

[Blueskyday]

Awwe resiliant, thank you 

[FaithHopeLove]

Whatever you say to your daughter about Christmas needs to be light and short in my opinion. No JADE no SHADE.

[Swimmy55]

Wonderful news about your health!
Yes to what Faith said- wow.   In addition I would like to add the yes/ no / yes / no of Christmas could be an hourly thing .  Please take care of yourself enough to already have a plan B that you can slip into so you know you have your own back covered and you won't be so emotionally dependent on what your DD decides. .  Our BPD kids will milk control and jerk us around for as long as they can.  Ok maybe that was a bit harsh.  Let's just say their mind is spinning from one minute to the next and so are their decisions.  We can't pin our happiness or hopes onto this.  It may also help to remember Christmas is but one day out of 365 days.  If a visit doesn't happen on Dec 25, it can happen on another day. 

[Blueskyday]

Absolutely. I made the decision and I am not budging.
Basically I was trashed and discarded..Then she tells me she strongly urges me to take the child over Christmas as she is not "up to being the person who provides Christmas".

A codependent will do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. I am not playing anymore. She wants to use me and my home to provide festivities for one day and go back to being estranged. I do absolutely everything, even drive her around.

I adore that child but a child must spend Christmas with their parent.

My solution is to collect her on boxing day. This feels appropriate. My daughter hates me at the moment so how can I wait on her as I normally do with all of this venom in the air. This can't be swept under the rug. She went too far.

Yesterday was her 30th Birthday. I had a personalised card made for the child and bought perfume for the child to give her from herself, not me. Then I stayed quiet. I will be damned for not saying Happy Birthday and would be accused of ruining her day if I did so I am quiet.

The child is not allowed, lets say encouraged to call me. She is using this child as ferociously as she can. I am not responding.

25th Dec means nothing to me. I left my partner dying in a hospital bed to be there for my child on 25th Dec. When I returned he died in my arms.How little she knows I have given for her. The day I have the child will be my celebration whenever that is. 

[Blueskyday]

Whatever you say to your daughter about Christmas needs to be light and short in my opinion. No JADE no SHADE.

Faith I am amazing myself with my lack of jade and shade. I am polite and to the point. I say no more than absolutely necessary. I ignore most of the jade and shade thrown at me and am cutting straight through. She has no hold over me at all now. I don't want to be a victim of her abuse anymore.

I will not play any part in her constant hop from crisis to crisis. I will not parent her child in ways she has a duty to. She must step up or not. I will be a loving Grandmother, a source of comfort and strength and an example to the child.

[I Am Redeemed]

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