What are some good signs that your partner is putting the efforts needed?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am sure many of us stay in our toxic relationships with the hope that our BPD partner will eventually move towards healthier life choices, avail the much-needed therapy and put forth the time and efforts needed. We are all seeking that light at the end of a very dark tunnel when the relationship we have struggled so much in, will finally become a real relationship. But we have no control over our partners. Some BPD partners don't take any responsibility at all. Some fake it. And then there are others who accept they have a disorder, put forth the needed efforts and get better. Now what will be some good signs that your BPD partner is really striving to do what needs to be done?

[smart_storm26]

I am sure many of us stay in our toxic relationships with the hope that our BPD partner will eventually move towards healthier life choices, avail the much-needed therapy and put forth the time and efforts needed. We are all seeking that light at the end of a very dark tunnel when the relationship we have struggled so much in, will finally become a real relationship. But we have no control over our partners. Some BPD partners don't take any responsibility at all. Some fake it. And then there are others who accept they have a disorder, put forth the needed efforts and get better. Now what will be some good signs that your BPD partner is really striving to do what needs to be done?

[Cat Familiar]

Good topic!

It’s hard to talk about our partners making positive steps toward improvement without mentioning our part in the dance.

First of all, we must take steps to not make things worse. What does that mean? A big issue is to deescalate conflict—refuse to participate in any behavior that heightens emotional tension. Why? Certainly there will be a lot we get triggered by, and a lot of issues we feel truly irritated about. Yes, it’s just human nature to occasionally want to verbally lash out and rip em a new one, but the cost of doing so greatly outweighs the momentary pleasure of feeling righteous.

That said, when there’s less conflict over time and inciting disagreement doesn’t result in an argument, it becomes less utilized by the pwBPD as a strategy to release uncomfortable emotions.

If we think in terms of operant conditioning, if we reward positive behavioral change appropriately, we are likely to see more of it. By “reward” I mean respond in an appropriate manner to good behavior, perhaps with a smile or a caress when our loved one asks us about our day or how we're feeling.

Those little, seemingly insignificant interactions will build upon themselves and can, over time, transform relationships that were previously filled with conflict, into far more harmonious partnerships.

[formflier]

For me, I have to look at what my wife does over a long period of time, vice focusing on words.

There is a loss of emotional control, she says horrible things, she calms, then eventually does the right thing, yet because of shame or whatever, the horrible things aren't "reconciled".

I had to get to the point where I asked myself...do I care what she says or what she does. 

That reminds me of something my P helped me "see" or "organize" in my head. 

We currently have a little 5lb dog.  Wonderful dog and not "yappy" at all.  P remarked that many of them are yappy, yet they can also be quite lovable after they calm down.

She said "you know, they just feel like they need to gnaw on their owners ankles a little bit to show how big they are.  Then they can get down to lovin on them."

I've seen dogs like that and I could see that.  Then she asks me  "Do you ever think FFw just needs to gnaw on your ankles some?"

I'm physically over double her weight, retired Naval Aviator, former County Manager...etc etc etc

Well...I will say I often use that "vision" in my head when she starts getting wound up about something.  There really isn't any danger to me since she's just "gnawing at my ankles" and once she's past that stage, we can have a nice time together.

Anyway, enough of FF story time.

I think the answer to what is a good sign is that whatever sign you are looking at is it consistent over time.  Or if there is change (vice consistency) where is the trend pointing?

Good question!

Best,

FF

[smart_storm26]

Good topic!

It’s hard to talk about our partners making positive steps toward improvement without mentioning our part in the dance.

First of all, we must take steps to not make things worse. What does that mean? A big issue is to deescalate conflict—refuse to participate in any behavior that heightens emotional tension. Why? Certainly there will be a lot we get triggered by, and a lot of issues we feel truly irritated about. Yes, it’s just human nature to occasionally want to verbally lash out and rip em a new one, but the cost of doing so greatly outweighs the momentary pleasure of feeling righteous.

That said, when there’s less conflict over time and inciting disagreement doesn’t result in an argument, it becomes less utilized by the pwBPD as a strategy to release uncomfortable emotions.

If we think in terms of operant conditioning, if we reward positive behavioral change appropriately, we are likely to see more of it. By “reward” I mean respond in an appropriate manner to good behavior, perhaps with a smile or a caress when our loved one asks us about our day or how we're feeling.

Those little, seemingly insignificant interactions will build upon themselves and can, over time, transform relationships that were previously filled with conflict, into far more harmonious partnerships.

That's all fair and good. But these are steps you are taking. What about positive signs from your BPD partner? My question still stands.

[Cat Familiar]

Less incendiary behavior, going to counseling on his own accord, getting over hurt feelings quickly, being more at peace with himself, not taking offense as easily, being able to have discussions about sensitive issues with more tolerance. I could go on...

All these things have occurred in my relationship. It took a long time for me to get over feelings of anger, frustration, irritability, etc. because being in a relationship with a pwBPD is no walk in the park as we all know.

Once I was able to let go of my side of the conflict(s), it was amazing how much better things got immediately.

[formflier]

What about positive signs from your BPD partner? My question still stands.

If they have been doing "incendiary things" or "boundary busting" and those things get less and less, that's a good sign.

One thing that stuck out to me is why wife started to genuinely ask "how I was doing", instead of trying to assert that she "knew" what I was thinking or feeling.  That really used to trigger me, to have her "tell" me about my emotions, vice ask about them.

So, yes..many of us have stories where our relationships have gotten better.  It's likely accurate that most of those stories "start" with the non making changes, instead of the pwBPD.

I'm sure it sometimes happens the other way, (with the pwBPD changing first)...but I would think that's not as common as the non changing first.

Can I ask what has prompted you to start asking this question?  Something changing in your relationship?

Best,

FF