I hurt so much, but I never hurt back

[Simon T.]

Yeah, I hurt so much, but I never hurt back! I hurt so much, because the person who said she was my soulmate and supported me 100% has done a complete 180 to the opposite whom I have learned to distrust due to her manipulative and abusive ways. Then, she is nice for a while. Then, she turns on me again.

At the same time, I never hurt her or anyone back, because I have a tremendous respect for all humankind. I have seen a counselor, but the hurt is still there, but I never hurt back at anyone. I work out. I have done some writing. I see my side of the family. I see my friends. I go to movies. I watch shows on TV. I teach and tutor. I do all of this to escape the horrible ways that she has treated me.

So, you may ask: why do I stay? Logically, I shouldn't; however, due to her own horrible past and this is really hard to post, I can see her harming herself. I really am scared that she would harm herself, even though she puts up a big front as being "holier than thou". She was abused when she was a kid. She lost a kid. She got a divorce. She has gotten "therapy", at least professionally, but I don't think the "counselor" is helping her to feel good about relationships, mine, her friends, sometimes her side of the family. Granted, she is doing things she enjoys to the max, to the exclusion of us, except for preparing meals for us. Yet, if she were to lose me via. divorce or my demise, I could see her going on the deep end.

So, how do you deal with your own hurt while being in your relationship?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Adrian26]

I find it hard to answer your last question. Naturally everyone here on this forum understands your hardships in this case and we don't advise each other to run.

We can ask each other questions. Does she just treat you manipulatively/abusively, or do you know of others as well?

Has she undertaken any attempts at suicide in the past?

Do you think it's fair that one person's pain eclipses the happiness of another, or even multiple people?

I understand your fear. Yet its not a black and white spectrum between her abusing you on one end and her performing suicide at the other. I feel the very fear of the latter is making it difficult for you to even create boundaries.
How does that go? How does she respond to you attempting to establish boundaries, or when you explain your feelings to her about some of her behaviours?

[Simon T.]

My wife has tried to manipulate others, specifically my daughter; however, my daughter saw right through her. Thus, my daughter doesn't want anything to do with my wife, and I don't blame her at all!

My wife hasn't attempted to take her own life per se; however, she has taken her own grief onto herself daily. She has lost some 25 pounds. She is skin and bones. She also has said that she isn't afraid of dying, because she will see her deceased daughter then. She has refrained from suicide, because she has a surviving daughter, and my wife doesn't want to burden her surviving daughter with more grief.

It is definitely not fair for one person's pain to eclipse the happiness of another or other people. Instead of being angry all the time, as I said, she has lost weight and said those things. She also laughs at others' pain. There was one time that she manipulated me into believing that my other daughter was very selfish. After my other daughter and I argued, my wife just laughed. Then, I knew I was dealing with a very hurt, very sadistic individual.

My wife sees my making boundaries as being rather defensive, that I am arguing with her. Most of the time, I establish boundaries respecting her along with respecting myself. Nevertheless, when she becomes so very manipulative and so very abusive that it becomes so repulsive as I explained in my first post, I may say something right away or a little later in order to organize my thoughts. Then, I will tell her.

It is like walking on egg shells with her. If I defend myself from her manipulation and from her abuse, she will not talk with me for a while or will say I am being too defensive.

She believes that I don't believe in her new pathway, acupuncture. In fact, I do, although I also believe in western medicine which she completely opposes. This is only the latest form of "holier than thou". She has done this same kind of thing many other times.

[once removed]

My wife sees my making boundaries as being rather defensive, that I am arguing with her. Most of the time, I establish boundaries respecting her along with respecting myself. Nevertheless, when she becomes so very manipulative and so very abusive that it becomes so repulsive as I explained in my first post, I may say something right away or a little later in order to organize my thoughts. Then, I will tell her.

hi Simon T. you do sound exhausted.

can you give us a picture of the conflict between the two of you? we can help walk you through it.

what sort of boundaries are you attempting to set?

[Simon T.]

Yes, onceremoved, I am exhausted in so many ways with my wife! I do my best to respect her wishes along with pleasing her. She wants me to be more observant of the glass I drink from, because she inspects it periodically and sees that it's dirty. While I am 75 and my vision is not as perfect as hers are, I do my best to clean it. When she returns from work, I have her slippers ready for her to slip into as well as a cup of water for her. I clean up after myself. Both she and I do shopping. I pay for a majority of the bills. I am teaching and tutoring part-time, all of which I enjoy, but also to contribute more to the bills. She pays for her daughter's apartment rent in another city along with her own education expenses.

In order to become less exhausted, I do exercise, watch recorded programs, and go to movies once a week.

The conflict between the two of us is thus the fact that I am 17 years older than she. She expects me to do more. She expects me to do as much as she does. She has told me that I chose the wrong profession, because I supposedly don't contribute as much as money as she does so that we can have a life of luxury. While I cook oatmeal each morning, other than that, I have offered to cut veggies and to do whatever else in the kitchen for our meals. Nevertheless, I don't clean as well as she does. So, she doesn't want me to help out in the kitchen, and she thus complains that she has to do the work in the kitchen. In fact, she told me just last night that she has two full time jobs, her regular job and her cooking job for us. I thanked her for her work, that it does take a lot of time, and she needs even that much more time for her studies, but again, I have offered to do things in the kitchen, but it isn't enough for her. In fact, in so many ways, I am not enough for her!

As for boundaries that I have attempted to set, when it comes to my health, if I feel I have a medical issue going on, I will see the doctor. She does not like the fact that I am doing that, because she feels that acupuncture is THE only answer, that medicine is only a practice. BTW, I believe in both acupuncture and western medicine, and I have used both. Even if she complains that I see the doctor or have to be admitted in the hospital, I just say that it is how I am feeling, that if the doctor believes that I need to be admitted, I will be admitted, period. Again, she does not like that, but I am the one in control of my body, and I know what I feel. I don't want to go to the doctor or the hospital "for the fun of it". I only go, if there has been a medical issue, which is very rare. She has resigned herself to accept my judgment about what I want to do in this regard. In many ways, she is an extremist, not only about medicine but also about so many other things and people.

BTW, she will complain about aches and pains, but I accept how she feels without judgment and support her for whatever she feels is necessary for her to do. This is how she feels. On the other hand, she continuously judges me.

Another boundary I practice is that since she typically has every other Sunday off, I get up early and leave for the day so she can have time for herself. In the meantime, I go to a movie and tutor. In this way, I accept her need to have time for herself, and I give myself time for myself.

[Simon T.]

Today, I tutored a psychiatrist online. Afterward, he talked a little bit about himself, and I talked a little bit about myself. I mentioned about my wife with her obsession of work and her studies, how she really doesn't allow for quality time with me. He said that is very unhealthy.