Other half has all the traits of BPD but thinks she’s fine.

[Trident]

Hi,
We have 3 children.
Wife’s father is dying.
Believes her mother never loved her.

She has always been a reactionary person who seems unaware of how her words affect people.

In the last 6 months to a year she has become even more erratic. Having sudden outbursts of anger. Verbally very abusive. Saying nasty, hurtful things to me and swears at the children. Even more than she used to. She has fallen out with her own family and now mine. Feels as though I don’t support her. I do support her but she cannot see that she is the reason for a lot is the damage that has happened. She’s sees it as everyone else’s fault. Told me to leave several times. Prior to that has being saying to me that if I left her tomorrow what would she do. She has destroyed all of our photos as a couple.

I have had 2 weeks of her being fairly calm with only the odd outburst but the other day I found that she had destroyed 2 canvas pictures of us by stabbing them with a knife. This made me slightly more concerned as you can imagine.

She doesn’t eat properly, drinks too much alcohol which can make her rage appear. Then doesn’t remember everything she has said.

I’m am trying my best to stay calm. Trying to be affectionate even though those feelings are fading away. I’m concerned for my children as her outbursts can be horrendous but she has not physically hurt any of them yet and I pray she won’t.

She doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with her, it’s just all the things that are going on that are make her “a bit stressy”. She thinks that’s all it is.

She has agreed to couples counselling as I have said it would benefit our relationship. She then turned round and asked me what the f&@k i have to be down about that needs a counsellor, and that I’m a man child. She doesn’t believe a stranger can do anything to help.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Apologies for the long ramble.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Stan!

That sounds like a lot to have to deal with and I'm so sorry. If you look around the other threads here, you'll see that a parent (or any loved one) dying is a common trigger for pwBPD and can set off major dysregulation episodes.

Luckily, you've landed in a safe place. We understand what you're going through and have tools and skills we can share that may help make your situation easier -- or can at least make you stronger.

You say her erratic behavior has been going on for several months but she's always been a reactionary type. Has she had episodes like this before (even in a milder form)?

The destruction of photos and pictures is disturbing, I agree. Has she ever been physically violent toward you? Threatened violence?

I hope you don't mind my asking a few questions. But details help us get a better handle on your situation and let us know better how to help you.

Hang in there!

[Trident]

Thanks very much for your reply.

She hasn’t been physically aggressive yet but i can’t guarantee that won’t happen. I’m worried about the psychological affect on my girls.

She always had milder episodes in the past which I just put down to her personality. This is distinctly worse!

[Ozzie101]

That's good that you're aware it could escalate. We have some info on domestic violence that might help you. Have you seen these?

This is a guide to develop a safety plan. You may not need it but it may come in handy for you. I never had to use it myself, but it definitely made me feel better and less lost when my H was in his verbally and emotionally abusive phase.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

This workshop is on domestic violence specifically geared toward men (which can have its own unique problems and complications):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

Again, you might not need these, but since you said it's not out of the realm of possibility, it probably wouldn't hurt to give them a look.

Just curious, have you thought about seeing a therapist on your own? Many here (including yours truly) have found that extremely helpful. One that has some experience with BPD could prove particularly beneficial.

How old are your girls? Are you seeing signs that they're being affected? I'm afraid I'm not experienced with the child angle since I have no children of my own. But there are a lot of stories here from people with children and trying to protect them from BPD. I hope you'll look around at other threads. The Parent forum here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0 may also give you some very valuable information.

Like your situation, my H had some minor episodes earlier on (ones I just chalked up to moodiness) before stressful life events triggered a months-long major episode. That's when I ended up here.

If and when you take a look, let us know what you think. Keep posting and asking questions. We're here to help!

[Trident]

Great advice. I will take a look at those links.

My children are 20mths, 4yrs & 7yrs. I do have concerns about my 7 yr old as she’s very aware and can see her concern sometimes. She never vocalises anything though.

One thing that concerned me quite a lot was finding that she had stabbed 2 canvas pics of us and hidden them.

I have thought about seeing a therapist on my own. Not sure how that’s going to help as it seems that you always have to be calm and not react to horrible behaviour. How can you do that forever more?

Are you still with your H?

[Ozzie101]

Sorry I was offline all weekend!

Seeing a therapist and having a good support system (this board can function that way, too) helps in that it is intended to give you strength and a safe, healthy release. As well as a third party-run "tune-up" to help keep your head on straight. It's a reality check for me. Sometimes, when living with pwBPD, we can start to develop our own unhealthy patterns or start to wonder if we may be crazy. Having a reality check keeps things in perspective.

How can you do that forever more?

You can't. That's why you need to take care of yourself and have a strong support system.

And you can't and shouldn't just not respond to horrible behavior. It's just about how you respond. And sometimes, it's about knowing how to handle a situation early so it doesn't become a horrible one.

You can't stay in a situation or allow your children to be exposed to a situation that's unhealthy or dangerous. Does that mean leaving? Or does it mean addressing the problem to try to get on better ground? How you respond and what path you choose to take is something we can help you figure out.

Are you still with your H?

I am. I've been fortunate (relatively speaking) in my situation. I reached my breaking point and left. Turns out, it was right around that time that he finally found a therapist he clicked with and started to have a change in attitude. He accepted what he'd done wrong and became committed to working on it. So, I returned home and we've both worked hard at communicating better and working together.

Now, our marriage is not perfect. I still see BPD behaviors. But he is no longer abusive. I keep my eyes wide open, though, and my senses are heightened, looking for any sign of backsliding.

And I would not recommend my story as a strategy to anyone. Leaving will not necessarily cause a loved one to straighten up and fly right. And I did not leave him to try to force his hand. I genuinely had no intention of going back. In my case, my H is self-aware enough that he was able to start to turn himself around. If he hadn't been able to do that, I couldn't have done it for him.

Anyway, his work on himself and my own acceptance of the role I've played have been key to our marriage recovery. I've learned a lot here about communication techniques that have been vital.

Every case is different, though.

The deferred violence (stabbing the pix) is something that is very concerning. I hope you will reach out and that you will read those links.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hi Trident, thank you for posting and welcome to the family. I am new here too and just within the first month of realizing my wife has BPD traits. We also have three young kids (2,4,7). So I thought it would help you (and me) to know that there are people in a similar situation. My wife thinks she is fine too, that everything is my fault. Like saying this in a crazy rage that everything is my fault. It is a long and lonely path I have been on, so I want you to know that you have others to help you out, to talk with and keep us strong.

I'm curious, does your wife's family have any history of mental disorder? Or any trauma when your wife was young?

Hope you are well, take care
D

[Trident]

Thanks to both of you for your responses. Sorry to the delay, I’m not being notified of replies, I’ll have to look at the settings.

Ozzie101,
I’m glad you are still with your husband and you are managing things. The fact the he recognises he has a problem is huge. Thank you for your words of support, it means a lot, genuinely.

Dnmtnbkr,
Thank you for your reply. It sounds as though we are in a very similar situation with similar aged children. This really makes it all a whole lot more complicated. My wife’s family do have a history of mental illness. Her mother has depression and possibly other conditions which haven’t been diagnosed. Her brother has psychosis of some sort and tried to kill himself when he was a teenager. He will be on medication the rest of his life.
Sadly my wife believes she is perfectly fine and just gets “a bit stressy” due to the kids or because it’s dinner time and one of them isn’t eating. She pretty much always goes on the attack at me, even though I’ve just walked through the front door and tried to help calm the situation. When I say goes on the attack, I mean that she starts telling my 7 year old that they don’t need me they just need they’re mother. I serve no purpose, that I’m not a real man, I’m useless, don’t support her. This is the same woman that used to say she had to make up negative things about me to other wives as I seemed to do it all. Now, I’m the worst person in her life...on certain days of the week, mainly when she’s having issues with the kids.
It’s very hard to put this across correctly in a few words but I hope you get the jist.