I'm lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

So we've been broken up for just a little over a month. We were madly in love and living together and she just did this all out the blue. To this day I haven't gotten a good reason. I've been told there is just things about me she doesn't like (she cant pin point any of those things) or that shes a lesbian even though that's just not true. Either way we have missed each other and talked every single day for sometimes 12 hours at a time. She lives 4 hours away so we planned a little trip where she would come down and stay with me for a few days and we would do some fun things together. Well we did. Everything went perfect it was like we were right back where we left off in our apartment. Instant connection. A day in she tells me she loves. Two days later we get back together. This whole time were having wonderful sex and telling each other how much we love and miss each other. Well the day we wake up to take her back home on the bus things felt off. She's not crying about the idea of leaving me and going back home and shes a very emotional person so this felt really off to me. She told me to not think so hard about it and that i'm secure with her and that she loves me. She gets home and boom 7 hours later I get 4 long paragraphs about how she doesn't want to be with me and shes sorry she keeps doing this. She tells me she didn't feel the connection, even though shes the one who told me she loved me first and we were clearly connecting and understanding each other on a deep level. This is probably the 6th time shes pushed and pulled me to this level.  Of course she still wants to be friends cause she doesn't have anyone as close as me. Truthfully I don't want to be just friends but at the same time I love her to much to just let her go. Of course it feels like theres still a chance cause we did get back together and we did admit we love each other. But she constantly changes her memories and opinions to fit how she feels now. I guess I should just keep contact minimal thats usually what I tend to do when she does this. She's never done this for more than a few days especially when I don't pay her much mind. Seems to make her only want me more.

[anon2358]

So we've been broken up for just a little over a month. We were madly in love and living together and she just did this all out the blue. To this day I haven't gotten a good reason. I've been told there is just things about me she doesn't like (she cant pin point any of those things) or that shes a lesbian even though that's just not true. Either way we have missed each other and talked every single day for sometimes 12 hours at a time. She lives 4 hours away so we planned a little trip where she would come down and stay with me for a few days and we would do some fun things together. Well we did. Everything went perfect it was like we were right back where we left off in our apartment. Instant connection. A day in she tells me she loves. Two days later we get back together. This whole time were having wonderful sex and telling each other how much we love and miss each other. Well the day we wake up to take her back home on the bus things felt off. She's not crying about the idea of leaving me and going back home and shes a very emotional person so this felt really off to me. She told me to not think so hard about it and that i'm secure with her and that she loves me. She gets home and boom 7 hours later I get 4 long paragraphs about how she doesn't want to be with me and shes sorry she keeps doing this. She tells me she didn't feel the connection, even though shes the one who told me she loved me first and we were clearly connecting and understanding each other on a deep level. This is probably the 6th time shes pushed and pulled me to this level.  Of course she still wants to be friends cause she doesn't have anyone as close as me. Truthfully I don't want to be just friends but at the same time I love her to much to just let her go. Of course it feels like theres still a chance cause we did get back together and we did admit we love each other. But she constantly changes her memories and opinions to fit how she feels now. I guess I should just keep contact minimal thats usually what I tend to do when she does this. She's never done this for more than a few days especially when I don't pay her much mind. Seems to make her only want me more.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NoliTimere]

Hi anon

This sounds like a really hard situation. I'm sorry you're going through this with your gf.
To me it sounds like she may very well return, and then leave again, and so on. It could keep going indefinitely like that.

Have you discussed her behaviour? Is she self-aware about what she's doing and its impact on you?

NT

[anon2358]

She is aware and she feels terrible for what she does. But Ofcourse she always has her reason which make little to no sense. I’ve shown her bpd and she’s been able to relate to enough of the symptoms for a diagnosis and she’s starting to realize that some of her behaviors are unhealthy ways to cope. Pretty much everytime she does this it’s because she has uncertainty and she struggles to balance contradicting feelings and paradoxes in her head so she just pushes me away and acts like she never really meant the intimate things she said so that she can feel certain one way. She’s going to therapy but this type of thing probally takes a long time to diagnose and fix.

[Rev]

She’s going to therapy but this type of thing probally takes a long time to diagnose and fix.

That sounds like a good sign.  Yes ... it will take a long time to diagnose and to help her cope, heal and live with the condition.  Think diabetes.  That would never go away really, would it. But if someone tends to it, you can live a great life with diabetes.

This is not a whole lot different.  

And do not underestimate how important your role can be. There are lots of good resources regarding how to live with someone with BPD. Provided the relationship is not abusive, provided your partner is willing to put the effort in to be honest and transparent, then it sounds like it would be worth it to spend the time and effort on your end to get to the bottom of this relationship - you should get counselling for yourself too.

Rev.

[anon2358]

I asked her to tell me one of her uncertainty’s cause she hasn’t given me any reasons why. She said ”Sometimes I cant tell if you really wanna do things with me or if you really just want things for yourself and I'm just kinda here to do it with.”

What?

We literally did everything together. We worked at the same job And we had all the same interests. We spent an entire year basically with just each other we were so close. Where is this PLEASE READ coming from? It has to just be a self worth or self image issue.

[anon2358]

Seems like i'm painted black. She told me shes unsure of my motives and if i'm even a "good person". All my motive ever was was to spend my life with her. Now i'm being labeled as manipulative and inconsiderate and pushy. And she tells me she doesn't even know if I actually do those things or if its bpd and in her head.