I really need help moving on...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi guys...

My story is much alike several others in this very site. We met, I fell in love, after 6 months, completely out of nothing, she broke up and 2 months later is in a new relationship.

We were very close, not just the sexual stuff... We cared for eacher other (at least she seemed to care...) she was my friend, we made each other laugh and everything was so great and perfect.

One day, after the last day I saw her (a completely normal day by the way), she asked me if  was going to see her on the weekend, I said that maybe I would... She then said that we needed to talk, that she was unhappy, that she was feeling frustraded in our relationship and one week later seh broke up. Her mother called me to ask what happened... and later she figured that she had stopped taking her meds on that week.

She acted like she didnt care at all... Like "yeah, I dont love you anymore and good bye, take care...". That hurt so much to me... I asked why and she just told she couldnt see how we could be together anymore. I cried a lot but respected her decision and never contacted her again.

Two weeks later she contacted me saing that if I wanted to talk to her or something like that, she was open to a conversation. Again she was cold and completely different. I could see that she doesnt loved me anymore... I said that sisnce she said she didnt love me anymore, there is nothing else I could do... She then said things that she never said or tried to fix in our relationship like "I was frustrated" "we are so different" "you didnt liked my songs". Like lame excuses...

I never talked to her again and go no contact... she then, 2 months later, is in a new relationship... and that hurted like hell... I deleted her from every social media

Since then I am eating healthier, doing GYM, studying to become a better professional, started therapy.

I've lost 7 kgs, improved my conditioning to the point I can run 1 hour straight, Acquired 2 new certifications on my work, became employee of the month o my company, started going out more with my friends, became leader of my city's saleforce community, started therapy and a treatment for depression...

Great things are happening in my life but I dont feel the joy in them... Since she left, If I analyse the facts, my life improved a lot in several ways... But I cant stop thinking of her... I feel always sad and cry at night cause I miss her so much... I am doing everything I can to improve my situation and move on... But i am not moving on... I am stuck with her in my head... while she forgot me in 2 sec and left me for another man...

I need to know how to move on, cause the pain is very real and I dont know what else to do...

[Helipilot]

Hi guys...

My story is much alike several others in this very site. We met, I fell in love, after 6 months, completely out of nothing, she broke up and 2 months later is in a new relationship.

We were very close, not just the sexual stuff... We cared for eacher other (at least she seemed to care...) she was my friend, we made each other laugh and everything was so great and perfect.

One day, after the last day I saw her (a completely normal day by the way), she asked me if  was going to see her on the weekend, I said that maybe I would... She then said that we needed to talk, that she was unhappy, that she was feeling frustraded in our relationship and one week later seh broke up. Her mother called me to ask what happened... and later she figured that she had stopped taking her meds on that week.

She acted like she didnt care at all... Like "yeah, I dont love you anymore and good bye, take care...". That hurt so much to me... I asked why and she just told she couldnt see how we could be together anymore. I cried a lot but respected her decision and never contacted her again.

Two weeks later she contacted me saing that if I wanted to talk to her or something like that, she was open to a conversation. Again she was cold and completely different. I could see that she doesnt loved me anymore... I said that sisnce she said she didnt love me anymore, there is nothing else I could do... She then said things that she never said or tried to fix in our relationship like "I was frustrated" "we are so different" "you didnt liked my songs". Like lame excuses...

I never talked to her again and go no contact... she then, 2 months later, is in a new relationship... and that hurted like hell... I deleted her from every social media

Since then I am eating healthier, doing GYM, studying to become a better professional, started therapy.

I've lost 7 kgs, improved my conditioning to the point I can run 1 hour straight, Acquired 2 new certifications on my work, became employee of the month o my company, started going out more with my friends, became leader of my city's saleforce community, started therapy and a treatment for depression...

Great things are happening in my life but I dont feel the joy in them... Since she left, If I analyse the facts, my life improved a lot in several ways... But I cant stop thinking of her... I feel always sad and cry at night cause I miss her so much... I am doing everything I can to improve my situation and move on... But i am not moving on... I am stuck with her in my head... while she forgot me in 2 sec and left me for another man...

I need to know how to move on, cause the pain is very real and I dont know what else to do...

[once removed]

I never talked to her again and go no contact... she then, 2 months later, is in a new relationship... and that hurted like hell... I deleted her from every social media

ouch.

i can imagine how much that would sting, and for a long time. my ex jumped into a new relationship very quickly too. it was a real shock to my system, and we never spoke again. there is an element of that that is really hard to get over. you loved her. you were very close.

it sounds like you feel like you are doing all the right things in order to heal, but the pain is still there, and youre wondering how to eliminate it, or at least lessen it.

while there is no magic bullet or formula, we grieve these losses one step at a time, and things really do get better.

Great things are happening in my life but I dont feel the joy in them

maintaining routine is good. it doesnt do a lot to eliminate the pain, but it can give you a sense of normalcy. its a big part of mentally moving on.

started therapy and a treatment for depression...

this will go a long way as well. youve accomplished a lot in a short amount of time, and that something to be proud of, but when we are depressed, it can all feel really hollow.

what sort of treatment have you started? how is therapy going?

[Rev]

I need to know how to move on, cause the pain is very real and I dont know what else to do...  

I want to echo everything that Once Removed  said.  And it will get better. Stick with it. Come back here as often as you need.

Rev.

[Helipilot]

Hi onceremoved

It's exactly like that. I did so many things that I should be proud of... I improved so much in a little time but I really don't feel any joy in that...

My friends don't know what is wrong with me... to them it's just: "Oh, you are losing weight and becoming so much more, just forget her and get a new girl".

I am really trying to do my best to continue and wont stop... but the pain is still there (and the irony is that I think that it's the pain that makes me doing all this stuff and keep going)

My therapist says that I am doing very well and I am on the process of a grief... I understand that. She says I am a needy person with a terrible and unrealistic low self steem... I agree with her... that's why she recomended a psychiatrist and starting medications for depression... cause this can be symptoms of depression...

I just want to forget her and be happy again... to not feel her absence anymore... to not want her to come back...

It's a mix of feelings... one hand I do want her to apologise and want me back... on the other hand she broke my trust and I will never be able to trust her again and I know that I should go NC forever...

[Rev]

I need to know how to move on, cause the pain is very real and I dont know what else to do...

I found this TED talk informative. Maybe there's something here that will help you be grounded. The things we long for (at least in my case) from the BPD relationship are not grounded in reality. It helps me to see my BPD ex for who she is. I am six months in, and I am finding that I am turning the corner. I still think about her every day, but some days it's only for an hour and it's founded in gratitude for something that I am not living any more.

Good luck and keep at it.  It gets easier.

Rev

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4P2Qwh1QCU

[Rev]

And... continue to reach out...

[Helipilot]

Hi Rev

Thank you so much for the tip.

I am watching TED talks everyday since we broke up to try to feel better. And fat to fit motivational videos too...

It is very helpfull but only in short time...

I am feeling empty... And I really want to improve and get better...

I only realised the gaslighting after we broke up... the lies and omittions... I mean, why? Why dont speak the truth? To try to fix things? Why she didnt even bother to try to save the relationship?

I will never have the answers of these questions, and will never be able to understand...
I need to understand that she was a sick person and that maybe there is nothing I could do...

I have a band and yesterday we had a gig. It was the most amazing show... but on the inside I was sad she wasnt there... I feel sad about the absence... and feel worse for feeling her absence... I need to let go...

[Rev]

Hi Rev I need to let go...

Totally - It will take time - every day is still a struggle for me too... but the struggles are less now - the echoes further.

This is what I did.  Maybe there is something in here that will help you.  And remember - I struggle every day.  The trauma bond was and is that strong.

REV


Mid June I discover that my now exBPD wife is running up our debt beyond control because she is bankrolling her newly found biological brother and there is some level of an emotional affair happening between the two of them. Gross and shocking big time. I watched it happen over a four month period, but denial is a pretty powerful thing and then it all hits.  Within an hour of confronting the spending - the marriage is over. Withing another hour, she wants the basis of the separation in place - the "exit strategy" she calls it. Wonderful. My head is spinning because I need to find a place to stay in a city with a 1.7% vacancy rate.

Today - I am in a new and wonderful relationship - and even though I still fight the feelings of shame and PTSD symptoms every day - they are lessening at a faster and faster rate now.  Here is what I did.

1) I gave myself 72 hours to have the biggest pity party of my life.  Laid it all out - cried and screamed and drank a little too much even.

2) I put a plan down with a to-do list. Find a place, get my name off the old lease, that kind of stuff.

3) I have a mentor at work that I trust with my life. I told her what was going on. I let her coach me through all the no contact stuff. Some of her advice was really counter intuitive to what I would normally have wanted to do. Good thing I listened to her and didn't listen to my instincts at the time.

4) I chose three friends - only three - who did not know of each other but knew of each other - to hold me to account to make sure I followed through on the things I needed to do. They loved me unconditionally even as they held me to account. I did not listen to anyone else's advice. Too many cooks - that kind of thing.

5) I took the offensive with my ex. I read everything I could on BPD and NPD to get the upper hand in the separation. Even though it felt awful to mess with her that way, it was the only way I could think of to get her claws out of me - which were pretty tenacious because she tried more than once to charm me.

6) Once I got some steam behind me, I did counselling. CBT to be exact to deal with the PTSD. That was the toughest part because I kept reliving the images in my head.  I literally forced myself with the help of the CBT to train my brain to think differently. I did that every day for a month - long enough for new habits to form.

7) And then I got tough. She called to bully me on the phone because she didn't want to sign the separation agreement as it was - she wanted to talk about it instead.  No dice. I told her - '' I am so done with you now'' and "here's one thing you don't get to do now - tell me what to do.'' Then I blocked her on social media. She went ballistic. I toughed it out. She showed up to my work place two months later with some personal effects she had been holding on to, I slapped a cease and desist on her and her new brother. She went even more ballistic.

8) All of it hurt like hell because at the time, I would have taken her back. But here's the thing. There never was a her. It was all lies. The very premise for us getting together in the first place was a lie. And every time I feel like I am slipping, I log on here, listen to good quality pod casts or go back to read good stuff. And I remember who she is and what she did to me.

I hope this helps... make it your own. Find your own strategy. You do sound like a great guy. You got steamrolled as someone put it. You"ll get back up. And one day you'll be helping people do the same.

Be strong my friend. She's not worth it. Maybe who you thought she was is. But who she really is - not worth it.

There is someone who is tho. And she's waiting to meet the improved version of your best self.

Yours in the deepest sense of friendship.

Rev

[Helipilot]

Damn Rev

I started crying reading your story... really...

It is so unfair and painful what she did to you... I mean why? You were right, it were all lies, there was never her... I feel so sorry man...

I am really glad you have a new relationship with a caring and wonderful person... I a trying to improve myself so I can be with someone too... Guess thats the part I miss the most... Being with someone that makes me feel loved and that I can love back...

Your sugestions were great and I am considering doing some of them...

I have some friends I can tell about this... just a small number... The other ones doesn't understand... they think I should just move on and find a new girl (ok they are right but it's so PLEASE READing difficult).

I was not a perfect boyfriend... But I did my best to love her and take care of her... even her mother realised that... and I was living a lie...like you...

I am really sorry it turned out this way for you...just for moving on and keep going you  deserve great admiration, cause I know how hard it is... be proud of yourself.

I will keep going... trying to improve, lose more weight... do other things... i dont know...

I will keep posting here and asking for guidance.

[gizmocasci]

I have some friends I can tell about this... just a small number... The other ones doesn't understand... they think I should just move on and find a new girl (ok they are right but it's so PLEASE READing difficult).

don't just move one, you'll find yourself right back in another dysfunctional relationship. take time for yourself to heal, as long as it may. your friends mean well, but do this the right way. not for them, but for you. in time you will find someone that was worth this fight.

bet of luck

r

[Rev]

Damn Rev

I started crying reading your story... really...

It is so unfair and painful what she did to you... I mean why? You were right, it were all lies, there was never her... I feel so sorry man...

I am really glad you have a new relationship with a caring and wonderful person... I a trying to improve myself so I can be with someone too... Guess thats the part I miss the most... Being with someone that makes me feel loved and that I can love back...

Your sugestions were great and I am considering doing some of them...

I have some friends I can tell about this... just a small number... The other ones doesn't understand... they think I should just move on and find a new girl (ok they are right but it's so PLEASE READing difficult).

I was not a perfect boyfriend... But I did my best to love her and take care of her... even her mother realised that... and I was living a lie...like you...

I am really sorry it turned out this way for you...just for moving on and keep going you  deserve great admiration, cause I know how hard it is... be proud of yourself.

I will keep going... trying to improve, lose more weight... do other things... i dont know...

I will keep posting here and asking for guidance.

Thanks for your reply. You have no idea ( - of course you have an idea!) how much good it did me to read this.

Have a great Sunday.

Rev

[Helipilot]

The funny thing is that she has several BPD symptoms but not all of them. She was diagnosed by a professional.

She was kind, we never had a fight, she never got angry at me, we talked and laughed a lot... She seemed a great friend that listened to me kindly and truthfully (but maybe it was all a lie), she left me and never look back and is with another guy (I thought BPD, even when they move on, they try to mantain contact).

the symptoms:
She had angry outbursts with her family to the point of smashing her cellphone on the wall, suicide attempts (her home's doors couldnt have locks and she tried to jump from a moving car), she had a great fear of abandonment to the point to calling me to see if she could go to my home in case I couldnt go to hers (she did that crying). She had a severe emotional amnesia to the point of forgeting the entire previous year of her life. She couldnt stay on a job for long. She had crisis on her work. She lied to me (i dont know if she lied in the honeymoon phase or the breakup phase). One day everything was so incredible and I was the best guy ever. On the other she was unhappy, unfulfilled sexually, lost attraction and etc etc etc... I think she was already thinking on leaving me for this guy.

Maybe she left me was the best thing she could do, why I miss someone so troubled and that has lied and discarted me in a blink of an eye and is already with another guy? It's strange...

[Hidden Dragon]

When she is with a new guy she loves no contact. No shame issues, and you are a zero, a past anyway.

But be aware when she tossess this guy. She may go on to next one or she may reach you.

What you miss are the best moments. They were probably (one of) the best experiences in your life, and you want that feeling back or at least you dont forget it.
What you have to do is integrating her as a whole. Moments were indeed very cool and beautiful but they were only moments, you cant have it forever, not with her. You are looking for a fix, this is addiction. Again: you dont miss her. You long for the moments she gave you, you want this feeling back.
You miss only the mirroring version of her, which doesnt really exist, it was only in the idealization phase(s).

[pest947]

When she is with a new guy she loves no contact. No shame issues, and you are a zero, a past anyway.

But be aware when she tossess this guy. She may go on to next one or she may reach you.

What you miss are the best moments. They were probably (one of) the best experiences in your life, and you want that feeling back or at least you dont forget it.
What you have to do is integrating her as a whole. Moments were indeed very cool and beautiful but they were only moments, you cant have it forever, not with her. You are looking for a fix, this is addiction. Again: you dont miss her. You long for the moments she gave you, you want this feeling back.
You miss only the mirroring version of her, which doesnt really exist, it was only in the idealization phase(s).

This is all so very true when dealing with a pwBPD traits. I have/had a hard time separating the idealization version versus the real version in my own detachment. Many of us here have FOO issues that make us even more susceptible to this. We have had to ignore or minimize bad behavior early in life that replicates what we experience here. It's a viscous circle that can be hard to break free. I still have some struggles separating the two, making excuses for her behavior in my mind and hyper focusing on the good. I have a list of the "bad" and it is long and I also look at what I know of her previous relationships being Romantic, professional or friends and there is a whole lot of instability there. 

[Helipilot]

It's very strange.

It's very difficult to separate the idealization from her true self...

I don't think I even saw her true self, only when she left me... I will never have the answer if it was all a fake idealization or maybe some part of her loved me... I think this is what is getting me stuck in this situation... and the fact that it was so suddenly and coldly.

Like you said, I have needy issues, kind of the nice guy personality, and maybe that's why I didnt realised the signs...

it really hurts...

[once removed]

It's very difficult to separate the idealization from her true self...

i can certainly relate.

i had this super cool girlfriend, who was all into me, and then suddenly i was the worst guy in the world  

i think of it this way:

we all put our best foot forward in a new relationship. we dont, we cant, reveal who we fully are, warts and all. because getting to really know someone, building trust and intimacy, that all occurs slowly over time.

but people with bpd traits take that "best foot forward" thing to an extreme. why? for similar reasons that we all do, but again, to greater extremes. insecurity. wanting the other person to like you and stay with you. wanting to bond. and where it applies to bpd traits, like low self esteem...not really liking who you are deep down, wanting to be someone others will like you for. eventually, someone in that position will come to resent you for that, because its not exactly who they really are, and they may blame you for the trouble that they went to present that image.

i had a girlfriend once (a different one)...i told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. she would say things like "youre the best boyfriend ever". on some level, as much as we liked each other, we knew there was some exaggeration going on. when we broke up, i thought other girls were more beautiful. im sure she had boyfriends she thought were better.

people with bpd traits...they over express themselves. they live in that world where you really are the best boyfriend in the world. and you really then, are the worst boyfriend in the world.

and its hard to get your head around.

dont separate the person who idealized you from the person who devalued you. theyre the same person. the same person that lives in that black and white world and speaks in an over the top way, and acts in an over the top way.

learn to understand the fact that both were a true expression of her thoughts and feelings at the time. learn to cope and grieve the fact that both were overstated and ultimately not sustainable.

[Cromwell]

Hi Helipilot

Her mother called me to ask what happened... and later she figured that she had stopped taking her meds on that week.

It sounds from some of the things you mention the relationship was perfect but there is some underlying issues here in terms of her mental health that she was trying to cope with medication. [what type of medication?]

There can be some clues here to explore that could explain these sudden changes.

[Helipilot]

Hi cromwel

She never told me what were the medicines for... She only said they were antidepressives... I never entered the subject cause I thought she was stabilized...

I never was the kind of guy "Oh, our love can surpass these issues" or "I can cure her". I knew only professional help and medication could control her... I just didn't expected this to happen so suddenly and so coldly... like all we lived didnt matter at all...

On the inside, I am rational, I knew I dodged a bullet here, and try to repeat to myself "better now than 5 years from now, married, with kids..."

Its my emotional part that its not ok, cause I am a needy person and she made me feel like I was loved and that's what I miss the most... (someone said this to me on one of the replies above)

[Teddy007]

I am exactly where you are now. And my heart goes out to you. This is really one of the hardest things to live through. Like a total nightmare, you are asking yourself the same old question "WHY" and there is no answer.

She is with this new guy doing all the same stuff. About 2+ months ago she told me she loved me. And now she is with the new supply. Im soul crushed and i don´t relly know how to get through this.

We are all togheter in this bro!

[Helipilot]

Teddy007

I am sorry for this... I don't know what to say...

I am trying to move on... I felt so confused... maybe we just need to accept and dont think of it anumore (duh genius, if we could we wouldnt be here)...

Its not fair...

2 months ago? Mine ended the relationship on august the 3rd...on september 24th she anounced the new relationship... No explanations, not givin a single PLEASE READ...

My mind is PLEASE READing messed up...

[Cromwell]

I just didn't expected this to happen so suddenly and so coldly... like all we lived didnt matter at all...

[/quote]

Hi Helipilot

Well done on all the steps you have taken so far to heal from this, the exercise, job successes and building up a support net.

Can I ask more about this sudden abrupt ending.

Do you think there is anything here to do with stopping her antidepressant abruptly could have caused this change of behaviour?

the new relationship 2 months gap between, a case of her having to build levels back up to stable mood from scratch?

It just sticks out in the time frame, everything was perfect 6 months, she stopped her meds, her behaviour to you became cold. Maybe she became very depressed and couldnt handle the relationship in that state of mind she may have fell into as a result of withdrawl.

[Helipilot]

Can I ask more about this sudden abrupt ending.

Sure, the last day we saw each other was on sunday... Everything was normal and ok... she was talking on making some kinky things on bed, some things I liked, some dont (she wanted me to be rougher, like choke her, slap her and anal sex, which I didnt like). When I said that, she said laughing "Omg you dont like anything I do...I am gonna cry", and we laughed and then I went home.

Next day she talked to me that she was feeling some stuff, some sexual needs and even masturbating herself wasnt fulfilling her anymore (on message), I said oh my, is everything ok? Is there something I can do? She asked is I could see her on the weekend, and I said maybe cause I had some things to do.

Thats when she started... "You know? PLEASE READ makes me feel tired, Sex is an important thing to me and etc etc" (it was so strange cause she talked to all her friends that no other man has so much concern on making her feeling pleasure and actually did it).

The entire week we spend talking and we didnt even had a fight, I was just "We can fix this, we can be together" and she was (Omg I ruined our relationship, I did this and she cried all the time, cause we were speaking on phone now). I asked her if she was attracted to someone else and if she wanted to break up, she said no to the first, and she wasnt sure on the second. Her shrink said to her dont break up, her mother either. On thursday she fell on her knees crying in the subway and tried to call me to go and pick her, cause she subway staff wouldnt let her go with some company (suicide risk), but my phone was on mute and I didnt see it. Her (female) friend came to her aid and took her home.

I called her to see if she was ok, she cried again. On friday she said she wanted to meet me on sunday and I sensed something was wrong. I said, if you want to meet me to fix things and work this out so we can be together, I will meet you anywhere, but if you want to break up with me, you can do this on phone, cause it will be less painfull to me...

She got angry and said how could I do this to her? Pressuring her to decide like this while her mother was angry at her (her mother was angry cause she started looking for an apartment to move). And she cried, and we talked. I was always gentle to her... She asked if she could die, and then I got angry and said, you cant, you matter to me, you will pass this and everything will be ok. She cried more and more and said, "Why i have to feel these things?" and slept.

On saturday morning she send a message saying coldly "I thinked and to me there is no way we can be together anymore" I started crying, but I said I respected her decision and said it was her choice, not mine. She replied with "ok, promisse me you will take care ok?"

That was it, cold and cruel... since that day I am trying to figure what I have done wong...

Her mother called me to try to understand what happened. I said I didnt know, she just didnt love me anymore (she sure seemed ok and certain of the break up). Then her mother told me about the disease, that she thought she had stopped taking her medicine, that she hadnt being herself this week, her father noticed her coldness too, in her face and expression.

I dont know anything else of her life other than, 2 months later she is with a new boyfriend, and her family knows him , and they support the relationship and look all happy. Like it was easy for all of them to simply throw me out... That's what hurt the most... I cared for all of them...

two weeks after the breakup she contacted me saying that if I wanted to talk, she would be open to, but again she was cold, she was so different and I could sense something was really wrong... I felt I would get hurt If I talked to her, and then I said "I can see you dont love me anymore, so there is no point in we talking anymore".

Thats when she said that she lost the attraction, cause we were so different, that I didnt liked her sonds, that she was unfulfilled sexually, that she started feeling attracted to other people (and I felt so bad cause: why speak the truth only now to me? Why not being honest before? To try to save the realtionship?And why telling all her friends she was happy sexually and emotionally with me? 1 week before the break up we planned to travel to the beach and she said to her mom she was so happy with me...)

[Cromwell]

Helipilot I hear you, the confusion, the sadness.

Any anger at all? It sounded like you took the relationship end very cold yourself - it comes across as business like almost. I think thats something that stood out to me in contrasting with how strongly you felt and still do. Just wondering how you feel about it from your side - did you have to control how you really felt - was it a state of shock? some apathy? From being depressed about it? Id like to know. If also you happen to know the exact antidepressant I think I could help there too. My thoughts with you Helipilot, im rooting for you and I believe you have the raw ingredients within to get through this difficult time.

[Helipilot]

Cromwell

I havent started the medication treatment yet... Tomorrow I will see the psychiatrist and let's see what happens...

I feel sad mos of the time... like playing the victim role "oh, poor me, she left me, i am sad" but some of the time I get angry (usually when I leave the gym) feeling like "I will become the better version of myself and show her what her lost"...

I think the sadness I feel it's not only because of the break up, but because what she made me feel (the honeymoon phase). That's what I miss the most, and if another girl i liked could give me this, probably I would forget her in a blink of an eye, the problem is that I am a very low self esteem person... and it's very hard for me to go out with girls...

I felt very sad and angry at the beginning thinking that was my fault, that i didnt appreciated her the way she deserved, that i wasnt a good boyfriend...

It was so sudden that I really felt on my knees

I really loved her, from the deep of my heart, but if she doesn't love me back (or never did) there is nothing I can do besides move on...

[Hidden Dragon]

Im in very similar place.

Your problem is mainly your self esteem, I think. You believe that you are not worth or not able to get another nice girl.

Btw imho they (she) loved but is was another dynamics and depth as in nons. So please dont beat up yourself. She really saw something in you, you really have the qualities.
But yes the idealization is love on steroids, you got something which may be not happened without her BPD. She may have 'overlooked' your cons more than a non would...

So the price for this is a horror break up.
I also heard after 4 years (!) that we are very different and I... broke the shower...

The only way out is to continiue the path of building yourself. My friends tell me this all the time.

The other thing is the question if this longing for those ideal moments is normal... (?) This may also confirm that you dont feel OK just in your skin and look for something external to fulfill you. Self-esteem again? Just a thought.

So again the problem may be and probably is in you, and it will require massive amount of real hard work on yourself to get where you now want (other nice girl).
Please see it as ignition. Without her you would probably do the whole time nothing relationship-wise. This is a real opportunity to grow.

[Helipilot]

Hidden Dragon

Oh i am pretty shure that I am only in this situation for that long cause I have self esteem issues... That's why I am doing therapy and this treatment.

I miss being together, the connection and stuff... not only the sexual stuff...

I have to heal myself and I thought that by doing exercises, growing professionally and losing weight it would get better, but nothing makes it go away...

[Rev]

She really saw something in you, you really have the qualities.

Take this part to the bank - one thing a BPD is a shrewd judge of talent. It's what they do with the people they "scout" that is the problem. BUT ... for sure, she saw something profoundly good in you - maybe more than you did even?  Perhaps that's where the trauma bond happened? 

Certainly that's what happened with me.  My story isn't your story for sure - but maybe it will cause you to see something in yours that makes sense.

Rev

[risingup4]

Hellpilot,

You are getting some really good advice from everyone. Sticking with the healing process is crucial, and yes, it does take time -- but the payoff is potentially finding your own true self underneath self esteem issues. It is there, waiting for you - and it is my belief that the "value" of attracting a BPD into your life is that like someone said, they see the goodness in you, and in a way they act as a guide to deliver you back to yourself. They can only bring you to the precipice, and the sign that you don't need them anymore is when they leave your life.

This may sound twisted or even untrue right now. But I suspect over time and with the help of the other people in your life and the inner work you are already doing - you will find that person again inside of you who got covered up way back when. For many of us, the BPD person gives us the greatest gift of shocking us into reality. The sad part is that over time you may realize that they are definitely not part of your reality and letting them back into your life, even for a single second, can easily reverse all the hard work you are doing. It's a bit like they have sent you off on that solo path back to your true self, but have secretly tied a cord to you. They can tug on it any time they want and pull you back off the path. Because the truth is they envy (and even hate) that you are going back to yourself.

Do both you and them a favor -- cut the cord. It's only when people cut the cords on a BPD that everyone has the opportunity to do their own healing (which is much harder road for the BPD, for sure). Give them that opportunity and secretly thank them for the gift they gave you. Don't forget to thank yourself for keeping your integrity and maintaining a non-contact boundary. Wishing you all the best on your journey!

[Helipilot]

I am really focused on this no contact thing. Never again i've checked her social media (2 months now), no contact and never even asked of her to our mutual friends, the only place I talk about her is here and to my shrink.

I 've read some very sad stories here in this site, and that, very deep inside, makes me think it was the best that this happened now...

That part of maybe bpds gave a reality shock in us is so true... I only realised so many things about myself when she left me... Its because of this shock that I am doing everything that I am doing to grow... Maybe it's the self esteem issues that make me doesnt feel happy about the things I have accomplished...

I am tired of this "poor me" mentality...

[Rev]

Maybe it's the self esteem issues that make me doesnt feel happy about the things I have accomplished...

I am tired of this "poor me" mentality...

At the beginning, I had the same thoughts and feelings. And once I gained, and continue to gain, emotional distance from my BPDex wife, I am slowly regaining a balanced appreciating for my accomplishments. Before, it was a little out of whack.  I was denigrated or ignored enough that the only praise I would ever really hear came from my own mouth. Not cool.

Now it's easier.

What you describe about yourself is an indication that you are in the process of going to another level of healing and growth.  

Really sucks tho, that we have to live this. Sometimes I find it's best to not ask "why" or "look for the deeper lesson".  I just allow myself to say - "nope - not going back there again!"

With friendship,

Rev

[Helipilot]

Hi Rev and everybody

Yesterday I went to the psychiatrist to start medication against depression...

The medication he gave me is Escitalopram, initally 10mg daily and after that 20mg daily.

I really hope this make me start to feel better and move on more easily.

Forgetting is a must... Any other think than that will only make hope and pain increase...

December the 3rd will be 4 months NC and I hope I can finally erase this from my life, or at least remember without feeling hurt or hopeful...

[I Am Redeemed]

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