New and cautious

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been reading for several years but afraid to post because I believe I don’t have any real online privacy and consequences are very real.  I am 20+ years in, raising kids, financially dependent and exhausted.  Today is a painted black day. When it’s good, it’s good.  I hang onto that and shreds of time doing things I enjoy. 

[Quirk]

I’ve been reading for several years but afraid to post because I believe I don’t have any real online privacy and consequences are very real.  I am 20+ years in, raising kids, financially dependent and exhausted.  Today is a painted black day. When it’s good, it’s good.  I hang onto that and shreds of time doing things I enjoy. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi Quirk and welcome. 

I am glad you overcame your reservations and posted.    

Can you tell us more about your relationship and what a painted black day looks like?

I hope to hear more from you soon.

[Quirk]

The relationship is many years of being loved, then out of the blue, despised, for things that should be so obvious that they won’t be explained to me, but are terrible defects of behavior and character and have been a big problem since always.  Painted black is several days of withdrawal with denial that anything is wrong, sometimes ending in rage, sometimes not.  Then it’s over and I’m wonderful again.  For so many years, I agonized over what was so wrong with me to cause these extreme feelings and complaints  What did I need to fix ? I felt stupid and defective. Finally I did some research and came to understand that while I’m far from perfect and certainly have my own rough edges, I’m just not that awful.  I figured out the BPD part and to see everything differently. I read and learned how to stop making it worse and how to be supportive, and to keep my own balance.  It has helped.  Life is better.  I am grateful for the information. 

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Quirk,

Welcome 

I can relate.  I've been trying to fix everything my W has been telling me is wrong with me for 10 years.  I suspected she had BPD about 6 years ago, but I didn't do some digging and didn't start posting to this site until about 5 months ago.  I have found so many similarities between my situation and many of the folks here.  The tools are very helpful as are the people that offer support.  I'm not sure how I would have made it through the past 5 months without the knowledge I have gained from this site and the people here.

Please post often.

SH4

[Wrongturn1]

Hi Quirk, welcome to posting.  I also was nervous about posting here years ago, but I never had any repercussions.  Is your partner closely monitoring your online activities?