Need help with Daughter-in-law

[cynthiaj]

Hello,

My DIL (daughter-in-law) appears to have bpd. I normally don't engage with people as mentally unhealthy as she is. But, I have two granddaughters. It's difficult to manage all of it. I also have depression and encounters with DIL trigger my depression and my own difficult childhood. I can rationalize all of it. "I had no one - and, I turned out fairly healthy. My granddaughters have us as healthy people in their lives and that will be tremendously helpful to them" etc etc. But, lately it's gotten too overwhelming. I am using reflective listening. That has been helpful.

The trigger lately has been her agreeing to something I can do for the grands and then changing her mind so they are disappointed. But, frankly they are used to this behavior - and, I can't do anything about it anyway. I'm so overwhelmed.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

We have several members currently posting about an in-law so you are in good company here.  I am glad you reached out for support. 

Managing your own depression and triggers when dealing with your DIL has to be very difficult.  What do you do for self care?  It is sad that your g-kids are used to being disappointed.  How much contact do you generally have with them?

You also mention having had a difficult childhood.  I am sorry for that.  We here get that as well.  Have you had help over coming that?  A difficult childhood can certainly make dealing with your current situation more difficult.  How are you with coping skills (this ties into my question about self care above).

I hope to hear more from you.  In hte meantime, settle in and read.  We have a lot of great information tacked to the top of the board.  Reading and posting in other peoples threads will help also as you build a support network and connect with others dealing with similar difficulties.

Again,

[Kwamina]

Hi cynthiaj

I am joining Harri in welcoming you here.

How long has your DIL been part of the family now? Did she exhibit BPD behaviors right from the start that you got to know her?

It certainly is good for children of a BPD parent to also have other, healthy adult figures in their lives. Yet considering your own depression and difficult childhood history, it is indeed also very important to be mindful of your own triggers.

You mention your grandchildren being disappointed after their mother changed her mind on the agreement she made. Did your grandkids express their disappointment to you?

How did your DIL let you and her kids know that she had changed her mind on letting you do this particular something for them?

The Board Parrot

[TelHill]

Hello cynthiaj!  

Welcome to this board. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. My mom is the one with bpd. My grandparents lived thousands of miles away when I was a kid. No one could afford a trip to see each other. They didn’t have telephones. They died & I never saw them. I wish I could have. I fantasize that they could have been substitutes for loving parents.

What role does your son plays in the family dynamic? My dad is an enabler to mom. That’s been my experience though I don’t know if that’s the case with there.

I would gently suggest therapy for yourself here. My bpd mom has never improved. Though it’s always possible for your DIL to get therapy, what would you do if conditions remain the same?

Hoping you can make some headway here.