My relationship ended exactly 2 month ago - i'm still in deep mourning

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

There are days, 4 or 5 in a row that i feel better, i can focus better in my errands and projects and think that i am near my cure. Then, the anxiety and fear comes along, assaults me and take over me.

Reflecting on my feelings, i came to some curious conclusions:

1) FEAR that i'm losing something very special. She conditioned me, in so many ways, that i would never have another woman like her, that she was so special, that the fear of losing her increased along the r/s.

2) ANXIETY: Her actual bf lives in another country. In January she will move to live with him. Now she is alone in here, working in the shop we created together (idk if she is alone. She can and surely is receiving atention from other men whilst here). I have this irracional feeling that time is running out and i should do something. That is driven by number 1 (fear) and it was highly conditioned as well. So many times she broke up with me, or i broke up with her and then i did went to her or she went to me and make up, that even knowing that things are different now, i feel that i have to go there and do something. Even if consciously i don't want to be with her anymore.

This fear and anxiety are pervasive and diffuse, and it's not easy to know their origin.

Did / do you feel something like this?

[Pytagoras]

There are days, 4 or 5 in a row that i feel better, i can focus better in my errands and projects and think that i am near my cure. Then, the anxiety and fear comes along, assaults me and take over me.

Reflecting on my feelings, i came to some curious conclusions:

1) FEAR that i'm losing something very special. She conditioned me, in so many ways, that i would never have another woman like her, that she was so special, that the fear of losing her increased along the r/s.

2) ANXIETY: Her actual bf lives in another country. In January she will move to live with him. Now she is alone in here, working in the shop we created together (idk if she is alone. She can and surely is receiving atention from other men whilst here). I have this irracional feeling that time is running out and i should do something. That is driven by number 1 (fear) and it was highly conditioned as well. So many times she broke up with me, or i broke up with her and then i did went to her or she went to me and make up, that even knowing that things are different now, i feel that i have to go there and do something. Even if consciously i don't want to be with her anymore.

This fear and anxiety are pervasive and diffuse, and it's not easy to know their origin.

Did / do you feel something like this?

[Yoke]

@Pytagoras.. yes i have felt the same and still do sometimes. It has only been 2 moths for u? Since she disappeared.. mine disappeared in almost 6 months now and it stiil hurts like hell some days. It will get better, but it will take time! But dont give up. Those emotions u feel.. iv been there. They are fresh and normal.  But they are not loving us anymore. We must accept it. The disorder they have makes them do harm us... am sorry to say that. I do love my ex and will always do, but she will never know it..

[Pytagoras]

Hello Yoke,

Thks for your reply.

I've read your posts and i'm sorry for you. I don't know how i would feel if my ex disappeared like that.

It takes a long time to recover...

[lucidone]

There are days, 4 or 5 in a row that i feel better, i can focus better in my errands and projects and think that i am near my cure. Then, the anxiety and fear comes along, assaults me and take over me.

Reflecting on my feelings, i came to some curious conclusions:

1) FEAR that i'm losing something very special. She conditioned me, in so many ways, that i would never have another woman like her, that she was so special, that the fear of losing her increased along the r/s.

2) ANXIETY: Her actual bf lives in another country. In January she will move to live with him. Now she is alone in here, working in the shop we created together (idk if she is alone. She can and surely is receiving atention from other men whilst here). I have this irracional feeling that time is running out and i should do something. That is driven by number 1 (fear) and it was highly conditioned as well. So many times she broke up with me, or i broke up with her and then i did went to her or she went to me and make up, that even knowing that things are different now, i feel that i have to go there and do something. Even if consciously i don't want to be with her anymore.

This fear and anxiety are pervasive and diffuse, and it's not easy to know their origin.

Did / do you feel something like this?

I still have my good days and bad days.  Thankfully its getting better as time goes on.  I definitely felt fear and anxiety, and I think it's totally normal.  We had a significant attachment to someone who is no longer in our lives in the same capacity.  The thought of losing that person forever is anxiety arousing.  It's probably even worse for some people.  I'm pretty sure that I have an insecure attachment style, and I'm pretty sure that being with a BPD and losing her feels worse than it would be otherwise.  We know how bad it could be.  We know that if we go back it will be the same, eventually if not immediately.  But yet we still feel this anxiety.  We're experiencing conflicting feelings.

Aside from having that insecure attachment style, I think part of the reason I felt anxiety and a drive to re-establish something was because part of me wanted her to see her disorder (I found out afterward we stopped seeing each other that this is what she most definitely has) so she could recognize it as a significant source of relationship issues with us.  Maybe, just maybe, she'd be open to it, work on herself, and work on us.

Also, the utter dysfunction of it all bothered me, and I think I was still trying to make sense of it and work it all out.  The whole thing was jarring and 'wrong' to me, and  it felt like there was something that she or I wasn't understanding, and if we keep trying it will work itself out.  We grow up thinking something is suppose to be a certain way (like a relationship), and if its not for whatever reason, and it's significant to us, and if we have the power to do something about it, then we'll feel compelled to do something about it.  I grew up thinking that relationships are suppose to be equal, trusting, loving, with a mutual interest.  When my relationship wasn't those things, I wanted to figure out what was going on, and fix it.

[Pytagoras]

Hello lucidone,

Thk you for your comment.

I agree with everything you've said...

[truthbeknown]

I still have my good days and bad days.  Thankfully its getting better as time goes on.  I definitely felt fear and anxiety, and I think it's totally normal.  We had a significant attachment to someone who is no longer in our lives in the same capacity.  The thought of losing that person forever is anxiety arousing.  It's probably even worse for some people.  I'm pretty sure that I have an insecure attachment style, and I'm pretty sure that being with a BPD and losing her feels worse than it would be otherwise.  We know how bad it could be.  We know that if we go back it will be the same, eventually if not immediately.  But yet we still feel this anxiety.  We're experiencing conflicting feelings.

Aside from having that insecure attachment style, I think part of the reason I felt anxiety and a drive to re-establish something was because part of me wanted her to see her disorder (I found out afterward we stopped seeing each other that this is what she most definitely has) so she could recognize it as a significant source of relationship issues with us.  Maybe, just maybe, she'd be open to it, work on herself, and work on us.

.  I grew up thinking that relationships are suppose to be equal, trusting, loving, with a mutual interest.  When my relationship wasn't those things, I wanted to figure out what was going on, and fix it.

I tried this (thinking that if she saw her disorder she would want to fix it).  After one of our breakups when she was particularly abusive to me,  and then apologized for it later.  I thought it would be helpful to tell her "maybe you have something that you can't control?  maybe because of your childhood trauma you developed some "splitting" tendencies?  and although not your fault, I have to protect myself".    This started out okay, then she made up  with me, charmed me back in, brought me up to high altitudes and then dropped me without a parachute.   It was a hard fall and it broke me.  I think I knew it was coming but I drank the poison anyway.  Once I am in love it's hard for me to let go.   So then the "turn around" came where everything was my fault and that I did this and did that and that I was really the problem (see what happens?).   So in conclusion as much as I dream that she will come back again, I also am terrified that she will come back because I am afraid the love poison will only be temporary.    I still dream that she will get help and get over this disease/disorder but right now it's just a dream.  Btw, 2 months for me as well.   2 weeks ago she sent me a message telling me that I left an imprint on her heart.  I think it was her way of moving on or justifying moving on while keeping me from moving on?  I don't know for sure but I have been in wound mode ever since.

[truthbeknown]

There are days, 4 or 5 in a row that i feel better, i can focus better in my errands and projects and think that i am near my cure. Then, the anxiety and fear comes along, assaults me and take over me.

Reflecting on my feelings, i came to some curious conclusions:

1) FEAR that i'm losing something very special. She conditioned me, in so many ways, that i would never have another woman like her, that she was so special, that the fear of losing her increased along the r/s.

2) ANXIETY: Her actual bf lives in another country. In January she will move to live with him. Now she is alone in here, working in the shop we created together (idk if she is alone. She can and surely is receiving atention from other men whilst here). I have this irracional feeling that time is running out and i should do something. That is driven by number 1 (fear) and it was highly conditioned as well. So many times she broke up with me, or i broke up with her and then i did went to her or she went to me and make up, that even knowing that things are different now, i feel that i have to go there and do something. Even if consciously i don't want to be with her anymore.

This fear and anxiety are pervasive and diffuse, and it's not easy to know their origin.

Did / do you feel something like this?

It is tortuous because of the 2 headed dragon.   It reminds me of the movie with Hugh Jackman, The Prestige.  In that movie a woman falls in love with a man who is a twin.  You find out later that the twin and his brother take turns with the woman in order to hide their identity and abilities to be in more then one place at one time (part of their magic act).  Ultimately, it drives the young lady to suicide because the twin who doesn't love her is abusive with her and she can't understand the two headed dragon.   I think the torture of having the one personality be kind, loving and gentle then switching to the other "twin" for us is very rough on our psyches.  Some are stronger then others.  I'm a pretty sensitive person in my own right so going forward I would hope to find secure love vs this jekly /hyde stuff.  But until then the memories of her good side make me miss her and unfortunately I have to look at the ugly messages she sent me to remind me that there are 2 sides to her coin.   Part of self care I suppose.    Not putting ones' hand on fire is a good thing.  Thinking the stove is off, touching it and feeling safe only to have someone push a remote switch that burns your hand is a bit like the feeling of being in a r/s with a bpd person.   If we knew the stove was hot we wouldn't touch it right?

[once removed]

1) FEAR that i'm losing something very special. She conditioned me, in so many ways, that i would never have another woman like her, that she was so special, that the fear of losing her increased along the r/s.'
...
Did / do you feel something like this?

the truth is that you did lose something special. if you hadnt, you wouldnt feel this way. we grieve our losses, and we grieve the special ones the hardest.

she was my first adult relationship. there were many firsts. we were together just short of three years, when i hadnt previously had a relationship for longer than three months.

but so many special people come in and out of our lives. you will meet, and be with, many special people. there may be qualities about your ex that you will look for and find in others. my ex is the most thoughtful gift giver i ever met in my life. im not a particularly materialistic person, its not about gifts, but anyone who knew her would tell you that when she gave you a gift, it really said "i understand you, i appreciate you, i value you". i would love to find that level of thoughtfulness in a future partner, or friend. and i will.

grieving my loss taught me, more than anything, to be able to live with the idea that special people enter our lives, and sometimes leave. and that reality is a hard one to live with. but we live and we learn. in turn, it helps us appreciate, more deeply, things about the people that will come into our lives in the future.

and in time, i promise, there comes a time where you will be able to look back on your exs special qualities, the things that were special about the relationship, and smile.

2) ANXIETY:

after my relationship ended, around thirty minutes after i would wake up, i would go into intense anxiety attacks that could last for around eight hours. it nearly drove me crazy. it was so long ago, and i cant tell you now, what, exactly, i was anxious about, only that it totally consumed me at the time.

someone on this board suggested to me at the time, and ill suggest it to you now, that theres a good chance you were running on anxiety and adrenaline for a lot of your relationship. just because it has ended doesnt mean it goes away...in fact it can sort of be like pandoras box, allowing it all to really explode and come to a head.

it will get better. one thing that really helped me was trying out an herbal supplement called passion flower. its very powerful, and its very safe. it stopped my anxiety attacks cold, and pretty quickly, they stopped all together.

[Teddy007]

I definitely feel fear and anxiety almost everyday. Sometimes i can manage for half of the day normal but then something triggers it. It feels like a panic attack. My UnPBDex girlfriend left me for someone else out of the blue. New supply they call it. She charmd him in when we were still togheter. 2 months of NC and she charmd me and i fell in her trap. I went to her place, she said she wanted me back and that she would come back and leave this new guy. But she also said that they had been having alot of sex and she came every time with him and that the sex was great.

So she promised me that she was going to come home to my place in the evening and everything would go back to normal, that she loved me and had been missing me and thinking about me everyday from our breakup.

In the evening the text came that she was going to be with this new guy and directly blocked me after she sent the message.

I was so needy with her those 5 hours when we talked in the morning, she was controlling me. I begged and i put all the cards on the table telling her i loved her so much and she was everything to me.

After the text came in the evening that she was gonna stay with the new guy, this broke me, i feel on the floor feeling nothing. All my selfr respect was gone. She had completely drain me. I was nothing but a shell of my former self.

This happend 14 days ago today. I get up every day going for a run or the the gym. Try and eat healthy and going to work. It´s a struggle, to get trough everyday is so hard.

This is the worst hell i ever been through in my life and im struggling. Our realtionship lasted for 2 years with all the typical BPD issues. Cheating, lying, controlling, abusive and the worst poison the love booming, best sex i ever had. Controlled me with it.

I do feel for all of you who are in this same hell as the struggle is real. You are just lost, you don´t know what you feel and the fear and anxiety is there all the time like a mental prison.

The worst part is that i live in a small town, like really small town so the chances of pumping in to her and her new supply is really big.

I try to stay away from places that reminds me of her, us and where she could possibly show up. 

Everything feels really  like a nightmare, everything! The only thing i can say is stay away from alcohol or drugs. Move, move all the time! Workout, run, walk, get yourself a boxing bag! I would never want to stop living but right now life is hell!

Read about cluster b, bpd and all the other personality disorders as well. Go on youtube and watch clips about it. Just try to understand that nothing was real, she mirrored and in the end her true self came out. Its a hard pill to swollow! It really is!

The fact that this has nothing to do with you... That tought kills me. And for all that has happend and all i know i still long for her return and fear it as well. But love is a dangerous thing! The drug, the addiction to poison, the witch all of it!

Sry for the long post, just needed to get the words out, right now im feeling terrible.