Kids behavior when transitioning back from uBPD ex wife

[Meandmytwins]

Hi all.  Looking for guidance.  I currently have joint physical custody of 2 second graders.  We are on a 2-2-5 plan and their mother is uBPD.  There is a clear pattern emerging that when they come back to me after a long weekend with her, they (my son in particular) are very difficult.  They are tired and my son is often very down on himself.  Saying things like he “shouldn’t exist”, or questioning my love for him, or that he feels like nobody likes him.   But than, literally the next day and for the rest of his time w me, he is happy and much more confident and knows I love him.  It’s just completely different.  I have learned now that his mother is keeping him up way too late on Sunday nights.  So that’s 1 contributing factor to the transition back to me Monday.  But I’m wondering if others have experienced anything like this?  I don’t know exactly what’s happening over at his mothers house.  I do talk to him about that but Im careful to ask too many questions bc I don’t want to put him in the middle. 

[WantToBeFree]

I actually came here to ask a similar question..  I have sole physical custody of my D5 and she sees her dad every other weekend (actually Sunday through Tuesday due to his work schedule).  Not diagnosed but I am very certain he is BPD.  It's not ALL the time, but the majority of the time when she comes home from his house, she is very very sensitive and cries and gets upset over the tiniest thing (last week she literally cried over spilled milk when the cat dumped her milk over).  On an average day she might cry maybe once or twice a day if at all, but on these days she gets upset like 10+ times and that's just from the time she comes home from school until bed.

Like you, I suspect she is tired.  I don't think my ex gets her to bed as early as he should (or she maybe doesn't sleep as well there).  I also think that while she seems to be handling the adjustment well, it's still got to be hard to have to leave what she thinks of as her home to go be with him (they get along ok...prior to the divorce he had almost no relationship with her but he's actually done a lot better as a parent since we split...but she is still way way closer to me).  He's living with his parents so her room there isn't "her room"...it is when she's there, but it's still a guest room that the other grandkids stay in when they spend the night, so it's not hers in the sense that her room at my house is hers, or even if he had his own place.  I figure it must be very tough on young children to leave their more stable parent, leave their home, and go stay in a place that may not feel like home.  She is very comfortable at her grandparent's house, but still...I am sure it still feels like she's a guest, rather than her second home.

So I think between being tired, and maybe just the flood of emotions when returning back to the place and environment they are most comfortable in, causes out of the ordinary behavior.  Like yours, my D is back to normal the very next day.  I'd love to hear any suggestions someone may have to make the transition easier, but I'm afraid it is just one of the few drawbacks to divorce. 

[Turkish]

Transitions can be difficult for kids, even without BPD. Attachmemts are different, and rules are different. How old are the kids?

When my ex was living with her stbxh, I'd drop them off and he'd comment to me, "they are so calm when you bring them." I didn't say much, a firm believer in natural consequences, but I could guess what he meant at the time. I'm on a 3-2-2-3 and it might take a few hours for them to adjust, now at 7 and 9.

It is hard not to ask questions. I recently had the kids read Umbrella For Alex. My daughter kind of got it the second read through.  Mommy gets angry. S9 remembers more, and mommy can be harder on him.

A month ago, both kids said that they loved me more because I don't yell at them and our son said, "i don't get in trouble as much at your house."

For me,  it's validating, yet also sad, and it puts me on edge how much to validate without alienating. 

[Meandmytwins]

I actually came here to ask a similar question..  I have sole physical custody of my D5 and she sees her dad every other weekend (actually Sunday through Tuesday due to his work schedule).  Not diagnosed but I am very certain he is BPD.  It's not ALL the time, but the majority of the time when she comes home from his house, she is very very sensitive and cries and gets upset over the tiniest thing (last week she literally cried over spilled milk when the cat dumped her milk over).  On an average day she might cry maybe once or twice a day if at all, but on these days she gets upset like 10+ times and that's just from the time she comes home from school until bed.

I’m certainly no expert here but wanted to relay that I have a son, and daughter (7 yr old twins).  My post focused on my son bc he is the one struggling now.  My daughter was acting in the same manner yours is.  She was crying almost daily and was very vocal (a very good thing) about her feelings.  She misses the old house, old friends, doesn’t like the new school, people don’t understand what she is going through etc.  Every night I would sit with her just listen, hug her and offer support.  During that period, she opened up that she is not able to share her feelings w mommy.  “Mommy is different”, “I can tell by the way she looks at me she doesn’t understand.”  She started acting out in school.  We got both kids an art therapist as part of the school program which was great for them.  She is really doing great now.  The crying and sensitivity has ceased, and we still touch base on her feelings all the time.  It’s that communication that it is critical.  Constant reinforcement of your love, support and attention.   My son, by contrast, was putting on a face and I made the mistake of focusing too much on my daughter, thinking he is ok. And he’s not.  So I am correcting that now. 
Also, look into buying the Gizmo watch for your daughter.  It’s basically a phone w very limited text capability including voice memo functionality.  Although perhaps 5 years may be too young to be responsible for that.  But school teachers have recognized that when my kids wear the watches, they are much more confident. I can send them texts throughout the day to say I love them, or remind them of scheduling etc. 

But again, sounds like many of us are seeking guidance on how to effectively communicate w our kids about their experience w their exBPD’s without causing the children harm by putting them in the middle.  Hoping we get more feedback on this topic.

[livednlearned]

How do you respond when your son says he doesn't want to exist?

My son said something similar when he was 8.

It's tough to hear.

It might also be worth telling the family specialist, guidance counselor, or teacher at your son's school that Mondays are particularly tough and explain why. Help them help him let off some steam. He's 7 so his peer relationships are probably also starting to become more complex, which can be stressful for a kid who is managing so much at home.

The family specialist at my son's school told him he could walk out of the classroom any time, no questions asked, and come to her office and sit quietly, put his head down, talk, play a game, do puzzles, whatever he needed. His distress expressed itself somatically so at first he would go to the nurse with a tummy ache, then he started to go to the family specialist and lie down on the couch in her office. A few times I came to the school and we went for a walk together.

Also, I can't say enough about Bill Eddy's lesser known book, Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids When One Parent has BPD.

I felt the book was more about the second part of the title.

Have you seen this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

[worriedStepmom]

At around that age, my son had great difficulty transitioning back to my house on Sunday evenings (and his other parent doesn't have a PD).  His behavior was awful. I learned that we had to spend that evening completely low-key.  We cuddled on the couch and read stories or watched cartoons. I had to be paying direct attention to him but in a way that had little to no expectations of him. 

I thought of it as the kids each had a bucket of soothing/love/security.  At my house, the bucket got refilled regularly.  At their other house, maybe not as much (because S was excessively attached to me and his dad shows affection differently than I do).  So S's bucket got empty, and that made him feel worthless and out of control. Once I refilled the bucket, he felt better and acted better.  (He works with his T on ways to self-soothe now.)

I discovered later that this kid also has severe anxiety (he's 10 now and on medication) and I think that may have contributed.  He reallly doesn't like change.

[kells76]

I learned that we had to spend that evening completely low-key.

Good point from worriedStepmom. Tough transitions are just part of the two-house world, sometimes.

With SD13, going directly from one parent to the other was particularly hard. Having a buffer zone in the middle helped -- i.e., going from Dad's in the morning to school and then having Mom pick up is fine, but having Mom pick up from Dad's on Sunday night is very hard.

SD11 seems to manage by "flipping a switch" -- as soon as she hears the knock on the door, it's "done with Dad, 100% to Mom". I think she just rips off the bandaid, as it were, to cope.

When DH picks them up from school on Fridays, as far as I recall they do see Mom for a bit (Mom & Stepdad's son goes to the same school), but then the routine is DH takes them to the library for a while. So that can be a helpful transition routine -- something to look forward to where it's not directly "Mom to Dad" but there's a neutral space in the middle.

Just learning to recognize that your kids may need a low key, low expectation, neutral, "decompression" time together can be really helpful.

...

This is more addressing the logistics and some brainstorming vs "I don't want to exist", though the two may be connected. "I don't want to exist" might indicate "I'm really overwhelmed by switching from Mom's to Dad's, and I am maxed out and can't help myself". Whatever he's feeling is so much that he thinks he'd feel better if he weren't there to feel it, maybe. So, circling back to WSM's point, you could see if nonverbal, close, neutral, warm time together helps deescalate the overwhelmed feelings.

I used to be judgy about watching TV... before the kids came in my life. I totally get it now -- not as a babysitter, but as "hey, let's just chill together and have some laughter and closeness for a while, and give ourselves a break". Not judgy about it any more.

[GaGrl]

Liked WorriedStepmom, I had a son who needed several hours to transition, and what worked was keeping Sunday evenings low-key. My ex is ADHD, as is my son. Their weekends were a whirlwind of activity!

We learned to use Sunday evenings to get ready for the next week. We did laundry, folded and put up clothes, went through his backpack and organized, just quiet routine stuff. Once his bedtime routine started, he calmed down.  The best thing I ever did was buy him a small fish tank -- we would leave the light on in the tank, and the bubbling and movement of the fish put him straight to sleep.