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Author Topic: Dad Changed His Mind - Refused To Go To Appt.; I Called APS - No Dice  (Read 425 times)
TelHill
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« on: November 18, 2019, 01:51:26 PM »

I believe I made a mistake. I told my dad the doctor would be evaluating her for possible dementia last night to know what to expect.

Today, he & mom changed their minds. She has been up all day in her pajamas looking miserable. I told him it was time to go to the appt. He said I don't want that - depression med change is all. We fought that she is seeing bunnies where there are none and men sitting on top of the roofs of gas stations. She forgets if my brother or uncle calls a few hours after they call. He let it out at me. He was tired of me telling him what to do with his wife. I repeated that if she has dementia, meds will resolve it and she can improve. I am not forcing her to go away. The old tirades of terrible daughter, etc., came out. I've caused enough trouble. He said my brother would take care of getting her better depression meds. I should mind my own business. He looked livid. I left the room and let him argue with himself.  

I immediately called APS. I was told that since she is still taking the meds for her psychological illness, she's out of bed, it was her right to do what she wanted, even if it was not a good decision.  He said neither I nor my dad could make her. He did suggest a mobile senior care service run by the county. They don't make people seek medical attention but send a social worker to persuade a senior to get help.  

My fear is that my dad will accuse me of abusing mom. I'm staying far away. I've locked the room here so they can't get in. It reminds me the time I locked the bathroom door so my mom couldn't give me an enema as a kid.) I'm so spent today after this, I can't function. I feel betrayed and used.

I believe it was Turkish who mentioned in a post when he was getting help for his young daughters, that the crime was not the crime itself. It was not going through the proper channels or doing the proper things expected in the family culture. Am not selling my house and devoting my energies to appeasing mom -- that's a big family crime and I am guilty of that.

It's come to a head here. Am getting my stuff and leaving tomorrow.  The last thing I need is to be accused of elder abuse I didn't commit.  I think my brother is beating this abuse drum. My dad is not that up on senior law or a computer user. My brother wants the status quo where he lives his own life, and the daughter takes care of mom.



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GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2019, 02:05:25 PM »

You may need a mantra that you can repeat over the coming weeks, when your dad and brother start upping the pressure. One that I've used is, "I am not a professional. I can't solve this. I need to trust the people who are experts." This kept me focused when my dad was in his final months.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2019, 02:09:26 PM »

Telhill just wow. I'm following your updates and just want to send a huge hug your way. You're doing your best with some very sticky dynamics. I'm so sorry it has to be so difficult.

I like what GaGrl suggested. When life is a hurricane a mantra provides a point of focus.

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
zachira
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« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2019, 02:33:36 PM »

I am glad you called APS as your call serves as documentation that you tried to get help for your mother. You did have the best of intentions when telling your father about what you intended to do at the doctor and it misfired on you. With the kind of people like your father, we have to go against our nature to be honest and fair with people, treat others like we would want to be treated in a similar situation, and hide what we are doing, so we will not be thwarted in our efforts. I imagine leaving will bring up a lot of pain and overwhelming feelings. Just know we will be here for you today, tomorrow, and whenever you feel the need to reach out for support.
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TelHill
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« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2019, 10:35:54 AM »

Hi all,

I am on LC and back at my place.  I'm determined to stay out of family drama, not JADE, and do SET.

On Monday, my dad did reschedule my mom's doctor visit to Friday so my brother could accompany him. That's my brother's and dad's choice. It wasn't mine. It seems cruel to postpone this.  But my brother gets off early on Fridays is all I can think of. California has a Family Medical Leave law where he is paid to take time off to accompany family members to necessary doctor appointments. He may have used it up or doesn't want to use it.  I used this leave to drive my late husband to doctor appointments when he was sick and I was working. 

My mom wanted to go on Monday - at least that is what she said. I emailed my brother a WebMD article about dementia/cognitive decline. I wrote he may want to bring it up at the appointment since I told this to the doctor on Sunday and this may be going on with mom. That's all I can do to here. I am so glad I called APS to cover myself.

I am calling my mom on Saturday to see how she is doing. It's nice to be away from drama.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2019, 11:55:48 AM »

Telhill I feel your relief. I support all of your decisions here and I'm so glad to get an update. Keep us posted!

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
zachira
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« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2019, 12:41:40 PM »

I have so much respect for you, for how you are working through this situation. You are back at your place and now have appropriate boundaries in place with your family members so you will no longer be your mother's caregiver. What a relief yet at the same time, I am wondering if you are feeling some sadness about all that has happened and/or maybe right now it all feels just right, so empowering to have dodged so many bullets.
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TelHill
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2019, 01:26:55 PM »

Hi, Yes, zachira, I am feeling sad.

My mom left many messages on my vm throughout the week. I listened to them on Thursday. One from my dad said my brother wanted me to change mom’s appointment to 4pm on Friday because he could not make noon. My brother has legal privileges to deal with MD appointments as I do. Not sure what is going on with my brother — the reason for the 4 day wait was to accommodate my brother’s schedule.  I am nc with my brother.  He has a great technique of manipulating situations to his advantage. Not worth the pain of dealing with him. Am detached from him.

I went with my parents on Friday at noon to the doctor. My brother’s request would delay the appointment to next week. The MD thought she may be undergoing cognitive decline. He prescribed an atypical antipsychotic to help her sleep (she talks nonstop during sleep hours)& orders to see a neurologist.  I’m calling for one tomorrow.  I will remain here until I make a neurology appointment.  I will follow through with the process until a doctor diagnoses her with something to explain her visual delusions and not knowing where she is when I drive her within their neighborhood(spatial disorientation, I think that’s it), etc.

I am keeping my boundaries here. Not having much contact with my mom or dad in case I’m accused of elder abuse. It is possible to lay low for a few days here. My mom is upset that I am not making a big Sunday dinner for my brother.  I could hear my mom screaming about this. She’s calling me a beast. I’ve never cooked fancy Sunday  before because I’m a terrible cook.  

I think they are not upset with that. They are upset due to fear the neurologist may find a malignant tumor-catastrophic thinking.

I am maintaining SET and detachment to any roping in of me to drama by my FOO. My mom is disregulated and has dementia possibly.  I am surprised I feel calm while sad & worried for my mom’s health.



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TelHill
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« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2019, 05:40:13 PM »

Sorry I've been a posting fool lately. I have cabin fever due to being housebound. Have had a very bad cold since Sunday.  It's better but still feel very sick. The only thing I've done is accompany my mother to her PCP appointment. That was stressful for all of us as she feared the appointment would uncover a terminal disease.

To back up, my usually active dBPD elderly mom suddenly felt she wanted to stay in bed all day starting on November 5. This would be accompanied by screaming and crying spells a few times a day - also new at this time.  A few month earlier she started having delusions occasionally. That was worrisome and wanted her to see a doctor then. I started pushing harder after November 5.

There was a lot of drama and foot dragging by enabler dad and mom, but she saw her shrink for medication mgmt last week. I would have preferred her to see her PCP too but she refused.

The shrink wanted her to see a neurologist stat. I couldn't get an appointment until next year so I persuaded my dad she had to see her PCP to get an urgent referral. We went on Wed., my only day out this week which I mentioned above. Mom failed the minor cognitive tests the PCP gave her.  But she did push through the request for a CT scan of her brain and a neurologist appt for late next week. My only sibling and my dad drove her to the CT scan test this morning. Nice to be off the hook for one medical procedure.

I was planning to move back to my place a few weeks ago, but have put plans on hold until she sees the neurologist to receive CT scan results and if she has to have an MRI to fine tune her dx.  She was seeing bunnies and men on top of gas station roofs. She didn't know where she was when I drove her around their neighborhood where they've lived for 45 years.

The timing is not so bad as the holidays are here. Life is at a standstill in my area. I don't feel as if I am missing out on much. Have been out of circulation of life since 2017 when my husband died and my parents started to have serious health problems. A few more weeks are not bad to wait.

More importantly, am glad her suspicious cognitive gaps are being examined by professionals. She has suffered with bpd for a long time. If medication for cognitive decline will decrease the omnipresent anxiety and depression, it will be a win for everyone.

Sorry that you have to put up with my boredom and board hogging though.
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Harri
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« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2019, 03:15:15 PM »

Hi Telhill!

What good news that you mom was checked out and had a ct scan!  I hope this will get her, and as a consequence everyone, on a better path.  Good job with being persistent.

Are you able to stay at your place for longer stretches now or do you prefer to wait still?  I ask because I am concerned for you and have been watching over you as I read your threads - gee that sounds creepy and I do not mean it that way at all.

BTW, there is no such thing as board hogging!  You listen, let others speak and join in and that is what we are supposed to do here.  Keep it up!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
TelHill
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« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2019, 05:34:24 PM »

Excerpt
Hi Telhill!

What good news that you mom was checked out and had a ct scan!  I hope this will get her, and as a consequence everyone, on a better path.  Good job with being persistent.

Are you able to stay at your place for longer stretches now or do you prefer to wait still?  I ask because I am concerned for you and have been watching over you as I read your threads - gee that sounds creepy and I do not mean it that way at all.

BTW, there is no such thing as board hogging!  You listen, let others speak and join in and that is what we are supposed to do here.  Keep it up!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Hello Harri!
I hope it does too. 

I wanted to return but the weather has been awful and I still feel sick. I'm returning Monday to do yard work and take care of some business. The appointment is on Thursday.  After that I'm out.

I had a bit of a run-in with my dad. I am not talking back or yelling so much. It seems like he wants to goad me into screaming. I quietly told him when he badgered me about my silence, that I do plan to return to my place full time after mom's appt. If my brother wishes to participate in care more, I will too.  It is very difficult to carry the whole burden. He accused me of doing nothing for them. This is an extinction burst and said nothing.

He called me names and said I needed to go to a doctor. I said I disagreed. Told him I was not going to participate in the conversation any longer. It's been tough and painful to stick to the calm, but truthful road.

I am so happy not to participate in drama or JADEing.  I have been validating my mom who is upset since my dad is yelling. She tends to yell at me. Again, I am remaining calm.
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