I'm in a relationship and I need help

[Barnny-mat]

Hi All,

I am 50 year old male and in a relationship with a woman with BPD traits. We have been together for 24 years in total - with many rounds of conflict and several break ups along the way. It was only 12 months ago that I was advised that my wife probably has BPD (Her mother also has BPD). I am struggling to cope with her volatile behaviour, highly charged and sometimes hysterical emotional outbursts, defensiveness, lack of empathy and tendency to make false accusations and get stuck in a blaming loop. I love her very much, but really struggle to cope with the BPD behaviours. I guess I am wondering how to hold it together in a way which is tolerable and does not damage my emotional health quite so much. Does anyone feel like they can manage to cope well with their BPD partner's behaviours? I always feel confident for a while and then things seem to get much worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

24 years is a long time.

How long have their been problems?  What types of t hings does she do?

[Barnny-mat]

She starts fights over the tiniest of issues, exaggerates how hurt she is, plays the one and only victim role, refuses to acknowledge any other view, becomes extremely defensive then starts accusing and blaming me. This often escalates until her behaviour becomes hysterical. I am usually left feeling stunned and wounded. She then says she doesn’t want to live and blames that on me too. She will add to this with assumptions about what I am thinking, yelling things like “you think I am nothing”. This is usually followed by shouts of things like “I didn’t do anything wrong” or “you can’t do this too me...I don’t deserve this”

[Skip]

If we asked her the same question, what would she say?

[confusedbybdp]

 

This is usually followed by shouts of things like “I didn’t do anything wrong...”

I can't tell you how often I heard these exact words from my uBPDexbf.  Every time he said it, I couldn't help but imagine a small child saying this over and over to a parent who was viewed as harsh or blaming.  I think this is the hurt place they live inside.  Almost like a cowering child who is yelling "it's not my fault!" 

When we grow up and become adults, most of us don't feel the need to declare "it's not my fault!"  We can take responsibility for our actions, and it is a sign of maturity to do so.  In certain situations, of course, it's not "our fault," and we can simply explain why this is the case.

People with BPD are stuck at a very young developmental age, and growth is very complex and difficult.  We will not ever be able to expect adult reasoning and behavior unless the person undergoes extensive therapy for BPD, and even then, recovery may be spotty.