Finally my BPD Story

[pest947]

Hi BPD Family,

I've been on the site awhile and have shared some of my stories and got and given advice but never posted my full story. As part of some consoling. I put together information and wow. Anyway I wanted to share my story now to help others and hear thoughts from those who suffered like me.

Her Dad left divorced Mom when she was young. He moved to over seas and she saw him in the summer I believe. She does Skype visit regularly and sees him every few years.
Her Mom worked, she was left to care for younger brother and Mom brought lots of guys around.
She was married for 16 years, Husband was Alcoholic/drag addict, verbally abusive and objectified her sexually. 
She seems to be looking for constant approval from her Mom, but they clash a lot. She even thought for a little bit I was interested in her mom at the start. No idea where that even came from.

She wanted to set a much better example for her daughter. I was first relationship after divorce.Though she had one during an earlier separation from her husband. She got pregnant in this one and had an abortion before going back. 

She had a relationship with a woman at some point during her marriage. She is not Bi Sexual or Lesbian tried it but not sure of all the details. 

She has had a hard time keeping a long time job as she stated in every case "It was the management." 

She does not have any long term friends and seemed to burn a bridge with one when we first dated. I thought at the time if was because her friend was an addict.

We met and I was unsure initially, though I liked her enough to pursue. On Second date she hinted/asked "Your not talking to anyone else are you." As we progressed she fed my self -esteem, feel in Love and we talked about "just knowing" and were engaged in 5 Months. She had a "confession" to me about her abortion and female relationship she then started to say we should wait until me are married to have sex. We had been having sex regularly at this point. I agreed to go with it as we could still fool around but she decided that's not what she wanted to we continued to have sex. 

We were going to sell both of our homes and move in together to get married. I sold mine to get us started and we picked out a home together. She was to keep hers as I stayed there for a couple of months until we could move in to our new home. First sign of a switch was after the home inspection there was an issue with the Fireplace. I said something to the effect of "it's the least they can do" and she got very upset with me and I was acting "entitled" like really angry at me.

While living with her she started pushing back on dogs and other things we knew/discussed when we were moving. Her "crabby side" was coming out but we still had a good relationship at the time. One time we were joking and I said "I was right" in a playful manor and she got very upset with me because she took it as me saying she is dumb. It was not in a belittling manor but she is sensitive to it because she flunked a grade in High School.

When I moved to the house she pulled back the first time and started talking like she was staying, It was short lived as she told me how much she missed me and she moved in.

When she moved in she started to get very angry about laundry, dishes, pool and more. I did help but did not do things in a way that she thought they should be done. I offered to do things her way and then she started saying she shouldn't have to teach me. Arguments would ensue and they would be cyclical with no end going in circles. Often the next day she would apologize for getting so upset.

Had a great Birthday for her and shortly after had a breakdown and said she couldn't sell her home, needed to be away from me and moved back. After the weekend was up she still wanted to be with me and I offered that we could move closer or maybe even into her home.

Things deteriorated from there to the point we broke up a few months later. As I found later in this time her ex husband started perusing her when she left the home and she entertained the thought of getting back together with him and he spent the holidays "playing house" over by her. She realized this was a mistake, said nothing sexual happened and that she couldn't ever be with him because of the abuse she suffered. She also had a work friend "H" she hung around with. He was much older and she had no interest romantically in him. This was about a month of time from the breakup. She reached out to me and we rekindled.

The first recycle was going well, she professed her love and we started planning again. I spent a lot of time coming by her because her daughter is almost always around. Ex Husband got another DUI during this time which also made time harder to come by. He also lost his job and she is highly dependent on his child support. After around 3 months she suddenly tells me she does not see a future with us. I talk to her about it and we talk about how we do. She later apologizes for feeling "messed up." We made it a few more weeks before she broke up again. At her "wits end" with me, criticizing everything I was doing. 

The next time was about three months apart. During this time she hung around with her work friend "H" a lot. He did lots of yard work for her and they spent a lot of time together. She was constantly talking about how much she missed me to "H" and suddenly telling everyone how good I was to her. When it became apparent to "H" there was no romantic relationship there and she wanted me she reached out to me. We texted for about a week and then rekindled. She again professed how much I deserved to be loved and could not wait to give it to me. This seemed to go well for about 2 months, one evening I wasn't as responsive as normal to one of her texts and it turned into me never being there for her. A week of distance and then another breakup.  "This time for good" we are too different, I cant do anything right a number of other things she said each and every other time we broke up but she would see differently as she cooled down and would "turn back" to the person I met. She warned me "she didn't want to hurt me" something she said in all the recycles.

Each breakup I went no contact and she eventually reached out. We are now about 3 months out and I know from seeing a pastor/consular that saw us both she started dating someone shortly after the last breakup. The Pastor knows the other person as well and very much thinks she is/was  rebounding. With social engineering I found out who and I couldn't believe it either. Seems very much like a rebound and since she burned bridges with "H" I imagine she became desperate to have someone around. I have no idea nor do I want to know where that is presently.

That leads me to my quandary. I am moving on but not dating to date and know I have some work to do to heal my childhood emotional neglect and self esteem. I feel like she will most likely "see the light" again and having had experience seeing that every person has some issues or things she would see how good things really were with us. I question myself as to why I would entertain it after writing this out and it "sinking in" but there's still that glimmer that she could be the person at the start and during the recycles. 

Thank You All

[dt9000]

Thank you for posting this. I can identify with so many aspects of your story. My BPDex also had no long term friends - every friendship she had was intense for a few months, to the point of doing everything together, then crashed and burned. She could never keep a job because of disagreements with her bosses. She was straight but had same-sex encounters during our marriage. Her claim was that it wasn't really cheating since she wasn't gay. She also had a number of affairs and really close guy friends who she may or may not have been also sleeping with.

It's interesting you mention your pwBPD changing their mind about having a dog. My BPDex was an animal lover and absolutely loved my dog while we were dating. It was one of the things that attracted me to her. Then when we got married things changed slowly over time. At first the dog was not allowed to roam freely in the house, eventually being crated most of the time. She was the only one that was allowed to feed the dog and she strictly controlled how much food and water he was given. It was as if the dog was the one thing in her life she could have absolute control over. It became completely absurd.

I also went through a number of breakups and recycles with her. During many of these breakups, she would use it as an opportunity to sleep around...  as in 'we broke up so it's ok if I sleep with someone else'.

Despite all of this (and so much more!), when we finally separated I wanted desperately to get her back. It wasn't until I had some distance and time to reflect that I realized how damaging and traumatizing the marriage had been for me. I entered therapy and started talking to others about what I had been through. The first few times I told my story, people looked at me with their jaws open, in shock and disbelief. I found it extremely helpful, and cathartic, to tell others what I had been through. Through this process I've decided that I can never go back, and I'm quite frankly looking forward to a simpler life without the BPD drama. Eventually.

[Stillhopeful4]

I also went through a number of breakups and recycles with her. During many of these breakups, she would use it as an opportunity to sleep around...  as in 'we broke up so it's ok if I sleep with someone else'.

I have heard this line 3 times in my 9 year marriage.  She didn't consider it cheating because she left and took her ring off.  OY VEY

[dt9000]

I have heard this line 3 times in my 9 year marriage.  She didn't consider it cheating because she left and took her ring off.  OY VEY

It's scary how many shared experiences we have with our BPD partners/ex partners.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel like she will most likely "see the light" again and having had experience seeing that every person has some issues or things she would see how good things really were with us.

Hey pest, Don't hold your breath!  Waiting for her to "see the light" is likely a thankless vigil, because those w/BPD are quite reluctant to take responsibility for their issues.  Almost all of us here have entertained hopes that our SO will change back to the "loving person" they were at the outset of the r/s, but it doesn't work that way.  You can't have Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, because they are one in the same person.  In my view, it's highly unlikely that she will "see the light," and the sooner you accept this reality, the better.

LuckyJim

[pest947]

Hey pest, Don't hold your breath!  Waiting for her to "see the light" is likely a thankless vigil, because those w/BPD are quite reluctant to take responsibility for their issues.  Almost all of us here have entertained hopes that our SO will change back to the "loving person" they were at the outset of the r/s, but it doesn't work that way.  You can't have Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, because they are one in the same person.  In my view, it's highly unlikely that she will "see the light," and the sooner you accept this reality, the better.

LuckyJim

Thank You Lucky Jim,

I agree, she and from the many stories here do see the light at times but it is never lasting. She has "seen the light a few times" but it never sticks. I had a couple of email consultations with a BPD expert (Joanna Nicola) and they were very helpful. I am getting much healthier and becoming a more whole person. If she were to see the light and I healed my FOO I could likely handle it and make it last using the BPD tools here. However, why would I want to? I'm not there yet, but as I heal my own CEN I will likely want nothing to do with her if she ever comes calling.

This was a good excerpt and may help with some others going through the same thoughts.

"She does, it seems, have times when she admits to her problems.  And that can happen in some cases.  But as you found out, it does not stick.  This is because, again, the emotionality is too high and doesn't allow her any way to stabilize her perceptions the way most people have."