Part 2: Ex BPD making continued false allegations

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

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dt9000 - I'm so sorry you have had to live through this nightmare as well.  I do have to keep in mind that the various agencies are just doing their jobs.  It's just so frustrating and scary.  I do hope her allegations lose steam as time goes on.

We had SS yesterday and he said they aren't at the safe house anymore and are staying with BPD's parents.  It's hard to know what to believe with SS because he's so young and his verbal skills are so behind.  But, I do tend to believe she probably moved back home.  She used the safe house for enough time and probably doesn't want to continue to have to follow the rules.  At least at her parents house, she can get high with her sister and have other people to take care of SS when he's with her.  So, essentially she can go back to using them.  But, that's 9 people in a 2 bedroom house.  Pretty crazy.  SS said he's sleeping in the bed with his grandparents.  I imagine BPD is on the couch.  

[Grady]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341149.0

dt9000 - I'm so sorry you have had to live through this nightmare as well.  I do have to keep in mind that the various agencies are just doing their jobs.  It's just so frustrating and scary.  I do hope her allegations lose steam as time goes on.

We had SS yesterday and he said they aren't at the safe house anymore and are staying with BPD's parents.  It's hard to know what to believe with SS because he's so young and his verbal skills are so behind.  But, I do tend to believe she probably moved back home.  She used the safe house for enough time and probably doesn't want to continue to have to follow the rules.  At least at her parents house, she can get high with her sister and have other people to take care of SS when he's with her.  So, essentially she can go back to using them.  But, that's 9 people in a 2 bedroom house.  Pretty crazy.  SS said he's sleeping in the bed with his grandparents.  I imagine BPD is on the couch.  

[GaGrl]

Hmmm...I didn't think the date house was going to last long.

Didn't you say the parents had made her leave once before? And that had communicated helpfully with your H?

This could be interesting.

[worriedStepmom]

But, that's 9 people in a 2 bedroom house.  Pretty crazy.  SS said he's sleeping in the bed with his grandparents.  

Are there rules in your state about how many people to a bed/bedroom? In some states, CPS will get involved if there are that many people (4 to a bedroom!) and no actual place for the toddler to sleep.

There is no harm in making an anonymous call to CPS and let them determine if the living conditions are appropriate for SS.

[worriedStepmom]

It also seems reasonable for H's L to ask that exBPD be drug tested - as part of the custody agreement and as part of the order of protection case.  That will go directly to her credibility and fitness.

[I Am Redeemed]

I believe you mentioned before that your h has a history that might not sit well with CPS, but it may not be a bad idea to run that option by your lawyer. It will likely not look good that BPD left the shelter before her time was up to go to a crowded house. If she was so afraid for her life or whatever, why did she leave the shelter voluntarily? Or, if it wasn't voluntary, then getting kicked out won't look good, either.

[Grady]

GaGrl - Yes, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to stay because following the rules and playing the good girl role can only last so long with her.  I doubt she was kicked out though.  From the little I can get, I think maybe some other people have moved into the safe house and perhaps she can't just sit around doing nothing all day?  Also, since she "made peace" with her sister and family, I'm sure she can mooch off of them.  Sitting around getting high all day and sleeping is much more appealing to her. 

Yes, her parents kicked her out before and changed the locks just in August.  But, they are awful and that family is beyond messed up.  I think they all hate each other and are completely dysfunctional, but use each other constantly. 

Worried - I'm not sure about the rules with CPS.  I can't imagine it would be looked upon so highly.  I don't know if an anonymous call would do anything, but we can certainly let the L know so she can make it known when they are in court next month.  And the drug testing is a good idea as well.  I wonder if H will go for that.  He smokes pot as well, but he has a medical marijuana card so it's legal for him.  And he certainly doesn't do it daily or "need" it as she does.

I am Redeemed - Yes, he does have a history with CPS.  Yes, she's so afraid that she left to go hang out and get stoned.  I wish I could get a better story of what is really going on from SS, but he is just too young and not verbal enough. 

We have SS this weekend which I'm sure will cause BPD to go off the rails again and spew her nonsense against and try to file false accusations.  H said last night that he was thinking maybe they could cancel the orders and just agree not to be in contact because he doesn't want to be fighting false accusations for the next year.  But, I definitely don't think that's a good idea.  It will just cause her to do other things...file criminal harassment claims, file new orders of protection, try to get to him again, etc.  H has made great strides, but sometimes his thinking is just so behind.  I also suggested he put Life360 on his phone because that will track where he is all the time so he can have that as proof showing he isn't trying to go see her or something in case she claims that.  He wouldn't agree to do it.  I need to get him to understand that he needs to really take as many precautions as he can.  He's more of a reactor than being preemptive.

[Grady]

It's been a while so I thought I would do a bit of an update.  It turns out BPD has stayed at the safe house and that SS has been staying primarily with his grandparents.  BPD seems to have made up with her family completely (at least for now) because she needs them...although the case they have with her older son is still active.  BPD did speak with H on a couple of the drop offs and pick ups (not entirely about SS).  H didn't turn her in for violation because he's an idiot and felt he learned things from her (he did text his L and let her know though).  She was basically bullying and manipulating him in dropping the custody case and implying she would drop all the bogus domestic violence/violations against H.  BPD lied about SS being sick and keeping him on some of H's time just to mess with him.  SS basically admitted to me that BPD made him lie.  He was scared to tell me so I didn't push him. 

SS still says he wants to live with us all the time.  BPD told him that if daddy gets what he wants with the court, daddy won't let SS see her or his grandparents.  Lovely.  We told SS that's absolutely not true and he can always see his family.  Court is on Thursday.  Late on Friday we learned she obtained counsel (not sure how she is paying for it and when I looked him up, he had his license suspended about 10 years back).  This morning, the new L filed something with the courts requesting a best interest attorney for SS.  His request included some inaccurate statements.  So, I guess we will go from there.  The judge said that there would be no extensions to the Thursday date and both parties needed to show up.  So, I don't know if this will cause delays or not.  On the one hand, I think it's good to have this lawyer as I can't imagine the lawyer will look at both of our living situations and feel SS should be primarily with her. 

Last week, BPD got SS a flu shot and started him in counseling (free that she gets from the safe house).  Funny how she now is trying to be the perfect mom.  She has less than two weeks left in the safe house and then will go live with her parents (again, that will make 9 people living in a two bedroom house with 7 people sharing one bathroom).  She is supposedly on a list for public housing.  My understanding is that if housing comes available, it can be located anywhere so she really has no say in where she would have to live.  And I don't believe she has tried to find a job at all.

H has tried to speak with his L but she hasn't been responsive.  This is how she gets until it's time for trial and then she's all in.  It's frustrating but we do know she's been working behind the scenes.  I hope H can speak with her today and get her take on everything that's happening.  BPD didn't completely any of the interrogatories within her 30 days either. 

[worriedStepmom]

Her tactics are pretty predictable.

It can't be a good thing that she has custody but not actual possession of SS, right?  And why would a sick child not be able to go with his dad?  Unless he's been hospitalized, there's no reason he shouldn't be able to go be sick at this other parent's home.

Did H attempt to pick S up and she didn't meet him?  Or did he just accept her word that she wouldn't bring S to him?  If he attempted to pick S up, then he has proof that she violated the temporary order. If he did not attempt to pick S up, then he is in violation of the order - because he didn't show up. 

I think a GAL for SS is a great idea.  The biggest problem is that it increases the cost, as H will have to pay for his L plus half (or all) off SS's L. 

Counseling for SS is probably a good thing; however, it could be a problem if ex is always the one dropping him off and picking him up.  My SD12 doesn't feel safe speaking to her therapist if her mom is present.  Has H been able to talk to the counselor at all, to tell him what H sees as the problems? 

[Grady]

Worried - I was also thinking that she was being very predictable. 

One time she said SS was sick and glued to her so did H want to just get SS the following day?  H said no and went and got SS as scheduled.  SS was barely sick...maybe a minor cold but was running around happy as could be all weekend.  The next time we had him (she knew my parents were visiting), H got an email on his way up to pick up SS saying he had been up all night and was so sick still and she could only get a dr appt for him later in the day.  H responded saying he registered SS at our local pediatrician so to just bring him and H would take care of it.  BPD didn't respond.  She later said she didn't see the email and that SS isn't allowed to have two pediatricians.  She "took him to the dr and said he had strep throat and then she had to go to the pharmacy to get his meds".  H went to the police and court house while he was waiting and they said to just make note of it and also said he should keep him for a full 24 hours like he's supposed to have him but he didn't want to risk anything.  When H finally got SS (took him 6 hours from the time he left the house to come back with SS), she "gave him medicine in front of H" (H said the bottle was already open) and said it was only needed once a day so she kept it (ensuring H didn't keep SS for Thanksgiving which was the next day).  No antibiotic is only once a day for a child for strep throat that I have ever heard of.  And when I was asking SS about the dr, he said he wasn't allowed to tell me about it. 

That's what I was thinking about the GAL.  I can't imagine they will look at both living situations and think he should spend the majority of his time there.  We are drowning in legal bills (and also have some other unfortunate stuff happening with cars that is costing us a ton of money too). 

I agree with the counseling.  We were planning on getting that started as well but we don't have him here with us enough yet.  In addition, we want to sign him up with all the county resources here.  We have all the paperwork but need his birth certificate to turn it all in.  BPD won't give it to H and since H isn't on the birth certificate nor does he know his ssn, it's going to be a nightmare to obtain it.  He would need court documents at a minimum but when he called around, the agency said they had no idea how to give him a copy.  The program in the county would provide speech therapy and pre-school for all his developmental delays.  This would hopefully allow him to be caught up for when he starts kindergarten and put him on the path for an IEP which I believe he needs. 

[worriedStepmom]

Way to go, H!  That was great that he persisted in trying to get S and that he reported it to the police as documentation when she didn't show.

It's important that we celebrate the small wins, too

[GaGrl]

Her statement at the exchange -- drop custody action and she will drop abuse action -- is a reason for your H to start a recording and put the device in his pocket at each exchange.

[Grady]

I agree.  She didn't outright say it, she implied it.  But regardless, he shouldn't be speaking with her at all and he should be recording every single incident. 

We just found out BPD's lawyer is a criminal lawyer hired by her brother (probably the attorney he used for all his drug busts).  BPD is already claiming all these things H supposedly did so H has been told by his L that he needs to write down everything he can think of that she has done over the years. 

Her L found out about a bogus cps issue with my H where two of D's ex-friends got caught with e-cigs and blamed my H for giving it to them because he was the only adult they knew who had one.  They got them from one of their older sisters.  And they also got into his edible stash and supposedly stole something.  I guess they went through his things and found them.  The two ex-friends even told my daughters they were trying to come up with stories to save themselves.  It was awful and cps said our kids were never involved, but it was he said she said with two girls against my H so they wrote it up.  Those two girls have been basically blacklisted from everyone at school now and have no friends as everyone knew what they did.  But regardless, somehow her L found out about it.  And she's claiming he hasn't been paying child support (it's never been court ordered but he always paid up until she disappeared in October and he couldn't pay a single bill as she maxed out his credit cards).  She is also saying he lets our 14 year olds drive around without a license.  He literally let one of our D's drive around the block by our house once or twice with him in the car.  I mean, seriously?  What the...

H's L did say BPD's L is pissed at BPD because he's caught her in lies already.  BPD wants us to have even less time with SS than we currently have.  This is crazy.  H is so upset and distraught.  As bad as BPD is and how awful I know she is, he is always shocked that she will go as low as she does.  To me, I expect her to be the worst.  H's L told him it will cost us thousands of dollars if the courts award the best interest attorney. 

I am at a loss right now.  Court is in a few days.  I just can't deal with this going south.  She is a homeless, unemployed, mentally unstable, drug abuser who doesn't even want her other son.  This is all for spite.

[livednlearned]

This is all for spite.

She doesn't want to be ignored. Being ignored is like being annihilated (death).

She's acting from a place of fear, but not the kind of fears that make sense to us.

Dredging up old allegations is textbook and intended to characterize him in ways that make them both look like losers.

The way to rise above it is to focus on proposing solutions. She will have a hard time recognizing reasonable solutions because the point (in her mind) is to fight everything, even the things that may work for her.

Let her demonstrate to the court that she can follow simple instructions designed to do what's best for the child.

And I know it's hard, but try to minimize how much support you give your H around this stuff. I found with my H when I stopped trying to support/help/listen/interpret what was happening with SD23, he felt the burn more directly and that helped motivate some real change.

With H, I will listen when he wants to talk, and I may rub his shoulder or squeeze his hand, then I wait a beat and change the topic.

Harriet Lerner has a lot of books about how triangulation works in our relationships, making us part of the reason our partners don't change what obviously is hurting them.

You're in a really tough situation 

[Grady]

LnL - That makes a lot of sense.  I do need to step back and work on our marriage without her being a part of it.  Apparently H's therapist told him this week how she can see how far he's come and that she saw glimpsing of who he was when he started with her but now she can see it and is so proud of him.  My therapist told me this week that she feels we made it through the worst and we are going to make it and be so much stronger.  For some reason (I guess based on how I am acting and what I've told her is going on) she feels we made it to the other side. 

So, the lawyers came up with a settlement and H is at the courthouse right now trying to get it through.  I stayed home with SS.  They agreed on 50/50 (one week on, one week off) until six months before kindergarten. SS can go to preschool/speech therapy with us when he's here and with her (ha) when he's there.  All three of them are supposed to be in counseling for a year and BPD is supposed to be supervised with SS for two months (her parents or sister).  I'm sure she won't abide by the supervision and there will be no way for us to know.  H needs to pay her the child support for the last three months and then a minimal monthly amount going forward since she doesn't have a job.  I think that will stop when she finds a job (if she finds one).  H's L doesn't think BPD will be able to get it together in the next year.  I think the only way she does is if she finds another victim to attach her to that falls for her crap and takes her in.  BPD also has to drop all the bogus domestic violence and protection violations and stop filing them.  So, it's not what we were hoping for, but it's better than what we have.  And hopefully by the time he starts real school, he can be with us the majority of the time. 

Now, we just have to wait and see if she actually signs the agreement. 

[worriedStepmom]

Do they have to be in counseling together?  Or H has his T, S has a T, and ex has a T?

Are there consequences written into the agreement if ex doesn't fulfill her part?  or is it all just going to be evidence for when H files for more custody in a year?

[GaGrl]

I sure hope something gets picked in for you today, if for no more reason than to give H a foundation for documentation.

All positive energy being sent your way...

[Grady]

Counseling is all separate.  If the counselor they get for SS wants them there, I guess that's a different story. 

I believe all of her missteps go into evidence to get the custody changed.

Thanks GaGrl.

[livednlearned]

Now, we just have to wait and see if she actually signs the agreement.  

Here's hoping she needs money more than she wants drama.

I found with my ex that the only thing that could compel him to comply with anything was leverage of some sort. Something that mattered to him.

[Grady]

Exactly.  She signed it! 

[worriedStepmom]

Yay!

I'm so glad that SS gets to go see a therapist.  That will be good for him.

[Grady]

I completely agree.  We can try to find him someone here to go to on the weeks he's with us.  I would prefer to pick the therapist over letting her pick.  Also, we can get him set with schooling and speech therapy so he can hopefully get caught up with other kids his age.  Today I was asking him if he knew his letters (we were watching Calliou where he was talking about letters) and SS didn't know any of them.    For almost 4, that's so sad.  The county we live in has top resources for kids and is much better than the county she lives in. 

Phew, at least this is done and we can know we won't have to continue to pay more legal bills (for now at least). 

[livednlearned]

Has she dropped the abuse charges?

Maybe this runaround with shelters and whatnot exhausted her 

Here's hoping the holidays are relatively quiet for you 

You deserve some downtime!

LnL

[Grady]

She has to drop the order of protection violations.  I guess she can't "drop" the abuse charge, but H was told the state prosecutor is not going to pursue it.  If, by some chance the state changes their mind, she has to say she doesn't want to move forward. 

I'm sure she feels done with everything.  It's a lot to put on a show for people about being such a victim...although I'm sure she's been loving all the free handouts and attention.  But, being back at home with her parents all over her will probably get old very quickly.

Thanks.  This will be SS's first Hanukkah.  He doesn't understand any of it, but it will be nice for him to finally have exposure to our family and traditions.  And it works out nice because he will always be with her family on Christmas and with us on our holidays.  No taking turns.  Although H's birthday is Christmas Eve so we will always have SS for the day. 

One of my friends surprised me and got me a gift certificate for a massage and I am getting it this afternoon. I definitely could use one.  He said he knew I would never do it for myself.  Always great to have good friends to give you a boost. 

Thanks everyone for all your support.  I am really hoping 2020 is a much better year for all.

[GaGrl]

So glad the agreement is signed!

Funny story here...My ex is Jewish, so we had all the Christian and Jewish holidays worked out in our settlement agreement. When my son was about 5, everything was all lights and candles and good food and gifts -- so I was going over the Hanukkah story and the Christmas story to help him learn which was which.I

At the end, I said, "It's all part of the same history.  You know, Jesus was Jewish." His eyes got big, and he said, " He WAS?

So cute...I love that age.

[ForeverDad]

I would prefer to pick the therapist over letting her pick.

One approach, one that courts seem to like, is for both parents to be involved in the decision.  However, the key for success is for the stable parent to research and select a few counselors that fit your needs — good reputations for experience with high conflict situations, not gullible or biased, and accepted by the child's insurance coverage.  Then present that vetted list to the other parent to select one.  As long as you can keep the ex limited to that list, court will like it and so will you.  (Be prepared that the ex may force a good counselor out, so you still have other good names to use next.)

[Grady]

GaGrl - That's such a cute story.  I'm sure he will be definitely intrigued by it this year.  There is a Hanukkah fire truck that comes to our neighborhood and they put on a performance with fire and sing and dance and pass out little treats to all the kids.  The whole neighborhood comes out because it's just so fun and they put on a little party beforehand for the little kids.  I'm glad he will be with us that night to see it. 

Forever - That's kind of what I was thinking.  We will have to initiate most things.  H suggested we should try to find someone who is halfway between so it will be more convenient for both of them to take SS.  There is a decent sized city that is pretty much in the middle so I'm sure I will be the one who starts the research to find a few to choose from.  My guess is that H and I will be the ones who are initiating most things when it comes to SS for his well being. 

Over the break I think we will move D11 down to the basement bedroom and get her all set up so SS can finally have his own bedroom.  He's so excited to have his own space...although he expects H to sleep there with him every night. 

[Harri]

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Thank you.