Child exchange disaster

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I need help.  Today my ex w BPD and I were supposed to make an exchange of the kids and there was no mention in the stipulation for the exchange.  Rather than go to her house I texted her that the kids and I were at a park very near her home and I would like to make the exchange there.  She didn’t text me back for half an hour.  When she does respond she says she’s at work and she was just expecting me to drop the kids off at her home.  She lives with her parents and she said her parents were expecting them at the time that was stated on the stipulation.  I had already unloaded the car and texted her back to ask her parents to meet me at the park, then she texts me back that her parents are unable to leave the home and that I should just drop the kids off.  Something didn’t feel right about this so I tried calling my lawyer but she didn’t pick up so I called the police.  After a while the police came and I had them escort me toy ex’s home.  The second we get there my ex’s mother runs out of the home, so much for not being able to leave the house.  I sent my ex a message that in the future I was better communication and for us to pick a neutral location.  This is very typical of my ex to do, just assume and take things for granted.  Of course she accused me of “playing games” and she blamed shifted saying that since she dropped them off at my home that she just assumed that I was going to do the same.  But that was her decision.  I didn’t ask her to do that.  In fact I don’t want her coming around my residence.  I want to set up and maintain boundaries but I am afraid that she’s going to use this against me somehow.  Interactions with her are always stressful because I never know what to expect.  When it comes to some things she over-shares and loads me up with tons of things and then on others she doesn’t tell me information that I feel I should need to know.  What should I do?  I don’t want to have to go through this again.  I want to be reasonable but I also don’t want to just give in whenever she wants something.  Like today, she didn’t tell me ahead of time that she was working, she didn’t tell me that her parents were looking after the kids and she didn’t tell me that her parents were going to be unable to leave the house.  I’m trying not to stress out here but I feel like I was caught in a bind.  Not to mention she has painted me black to her parents who have taken turns yelling at me in public in front of my kids on more than one occasion and have told the kids that I was “not welcome” at their home anymore.  Help.  I don’t want to jeopardize my custody but I also don’t want her thinking she can just do whatever she wants and expect me to read her mind.  

[pausercell]

I need help.  Today my ex w BPD and I were supposed to make an exchange of the kids and there was no mention in the stipulation for the exchange.  Rather than go to her house I texted her that the kids and I were at a park very near her home and I would like to make the exchange there.  She didn’t text me back for half an hour.  When she does respond she says she’s at work and she was just expecting me to drop the kids off at her home.  She lives with her parents and she said her parents were expecting them at the time that was stated on the stipulation.  I had already unloaded the car and texted her back to ask her parents to meet me at the park, then she texts me back that her parents are unable to leave the home and that I should just drop the kids off.  Something didn’t feel right about this so I tried calling my lawyer but she didn’t pick up so I called the police.  After a while the police came and I had them escort me toy ex’s home.  The second we get there my ex’s mother runs out of the home, so much for not being able to leave the house.  I sent my ex a message that in the future I was better communication and for us to pick a neutral location.  This is very typical of my ex to do, just assume and take things for granted.  Of course she accused me of “playing games” and she blamed shifted saying that since she dropped them off at my home that she just assumed that I was going to do the same.  But that was her decision.  I didn’t ask her to do that.  In fact I don’t want her coming around my residence.  I want to set up and maintain boundaries but I am afraid that she’s going to use this against me somehow.  Interactions with her are always stressful because I never know what to expect.  When it comes to some things she over-shares and loads me up with tons of things and then on others she doesn’t tell me information that I feel I should need to know.  What should I do?  I don’t want to have to go through this again.  I want to be reasonable but I also don’t want to just give in whenever she wants something.  Like today, she didn’t tell me ahead of time that she was working, she didn’t tell me that her parents were looking after the kids and she didn’t tell me that her parents were going to be unable to leave the house.  I’m trying not to stress out here but I feel like I was caught in a bind.  Not to mention she has painted me black to her parents who have taken turns yelling at me in public in front of my kids on more than one occasion and have told the kids that I was “not welcome” at their home anymore.  Help.  I don’t want to jeopardize my custody but I also don’t want her thinking she can just do whatever she wants and expect me to read her mind.  

[I Am Redeemed]

Do you have a court order? Is it open for the parents to decide where the exchange will take place?

Is your communication usually by text? It may be better to switch to an email or app that can keep track of all your communications more easily.

Regardless of communication methods, perhaps next time you could send a message ahead of time stating not only when but where you will drop of the kids. For instance, say "I will be at the park at x time with the kids. If I get no response from you I will assume that this is the meeting place and time."

[Turkish]

What's a reasonable exchange? On the surface, it's reasonable to drop them at the home with responsible caregivers.  If the parents cause drama, then that's another story.  PwBPD tend to get triggered by changes in routine (leaving aside their penchant for doing that and initiating drama).

What's your idea on a reasonable and safe exchange that doesn't favor either party?

[ForeverDad]

I see that you're providing transportation at the end of your parenting time, while also asking the ex to meet you at a neutral location.  In other words, you both would need to go somewhere to exchange.  That's what worked for me in our first 3-4 years.

My county's guideline defaults to the parent picking up to get the kids: "Parent 1 must provide transportation at the beginning of his/her parenting time and Parent 2 must provide transportation at the end of Parent 1’s parenting time."  I suspect that pattern was because some parents are no-shows and so this way a cancellation didn't make the parent with possession drive somewhere and discover the exchange wasn't going to happen.

 When the risk of confrontations dropped, years later, usually it was a drop off at the end of our time.

I think you did the right thing, the police are there to ensure an incident is avoided.  Of course they won't want that to be a regular remedy.  You and your lawyer have got a few days to figure out a workaround going forward.

If it still must be at the residences, then at least the parents shouldn't approach the door and instead stay at the street off the other's turf.

What are the kids' ages, or a range?  I suppose none of them are babes in arms and can walk up to the door and enter.

[livednlearned]

Did your lawyer get back to you?

[Skip]

There are trust issues and hurt from your marriage and it has you spinning.

To make the best case for long term custody, your want to document your resonableness and responsibility for the children.

Don't let the TRO, the  supervised visitation, and the games, no matter how unjust, cause you misstep with the children.

Work with us here on how to manage custody in a constructive way.

Have you seen programs like https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ (there are others).  Its a good way to keep things calm and clear.

[worriedStepmom]

It will be best, in the long run, if you agree on a permanent exchange spot. 

If you try to use different spots for each visitation (at the park this week, at the grocery store next week), it will lead to much confusion and drama.

H's ex doesn't like coming to our house (and we don't want her at our house), so exchanges are done at a Little Free Library down the street.   

The general rules to keep the drama levels down are consistency and advance notice.

[mama-wolf]

This is very typical of my ex to do, just assume and take things for granted.  Of course she accused me of “playing games” and she blamed shifted saying that since she dropped them off at my home that she just assumed that I was going to do the same.  But that was her decision.  I didn’t ask her to do that.

This is very similar to my experience with my ex.  Constant assumptions about what I would do based on what she considered "reasonable" or based on what she wanted.  She would often do things thinking it would set me up to do the same for her (constant scorekeeping like that), and certainly since the separation she would ignore boundaries she didn't like so that (in her mind) I would be obligated to ignore them, too.  Very exhausting and frustrating.

It's so important to be upfront and clear about your boundaries, and stay consistent.  If you change it once, she'll probably expect that she can get you to change again and again.  I am a generally easy-going, accommodating person, but have had to become so rigid with my ex it almost gives me a headache.  My T has worked with me on understanding that this does not change who I am...I have just had to learn that with this one particular person I simply have to act differently to protect myself from further damage.

mw