So, one year on I have moved from bettering a relationship/tolerating to here

[Depression = 72% of members]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332047.msg13039104#msg13039104

Prev topic from a year ago for full story.
We tried to make a go of it, but it just turned into the same old cycle and she ended up breaking it off.

So I am honestly feeling mostly relief that she has pulled away from me and told me she wants to end the relationship, but the problem is she has done this before and then messages me things like pulling me back in and stuff. Last time this happened she ended up self harming and I ended up giving things another go (not just because of her self harming, but because I thought maybe she could make a change). At the moment she has told me to block her, not message her anymore etc. So I have just closed the messaging app and checking it when offline now and then. I am feeling better inside myself doing my own things and focusing on myself. I just dont know how to deal with her when she messages and I start getting sucked back in. She flips so easily from this to wanting me back, and obviously I still care for her but I am just ready for it to be over and to move on. But it feels like im being cruel if I ignore, I feel like I need to make her feel better because I have been the main one doing it for years. I feel pulled in different directions. When I do an offline sneak peek at the message app and she hasnt messaged I feel relief. When she tells me that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and seems sure of it I feel relief. (but of course its tinged with sadness because I do have a lot of emotion inside me for her) I feel like if she just gets on with her own life and things can be okay I can properly begin to move on from the entire thing. But I just feel so stressed that shes going to flip back to missing me and have a breakdown and I will have to deal with it. I feel trapped between this relationship and the future that I might be able to have but I'm afraid to start building because I don't know if I'm strong enough to break away. A problem is she is one who actually carries through with her threats of hurting herself. She did it last time.

I am also scared of her trying to ruin things for me if I start getting better. You know, during the worst times I felt like I was going crazy and we had a lot of conversations where I said things that I am not at all proud of saying, and Im scared she can use these messages as a way to smear me, without people getting to know the full surrounding circumstances.

Im ready to move forwards but I'm just nervous.

[anon28]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332047.msg13039104#msg13039104

Prev topic from a year ago for full story.
We tried to make a go of it, but it just turned into the same old cycle and she ended up breaking it off.

So I am honestly feeling mostly relief that she has pulled away from me and told me she wants to end the relationship, but the problem is she has done this before and then messages me things like pulling me back in and stuff. Last time this happened she ended up self harming and I ended up giving things another go (not just because of her self harming, but because I thought maybe she could make a change). At the moment she has told me to block her, not message her anymore etc. So I have just closed the messaging app and checking it when offline now and then. I am feeling better inside myself doing my own things and focusing on myself. I just dont know how to deal with her when she messages and I start getting sucked back in. She flips so easily from this to wanting me back, and obviously I still care for her but I am just ready for it to be over and to move on. But it feels like im being cruel if I ignore, I feel like I need to make her feel better because I have been the main one doing it for years. I feel pulled in different directions. When I do an offline sneak peek at the message app and she hasnt messaged I feel relief. When she tells me that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and seems sure of it I feel relief. (but of course its tinged with sadness because I do have a lot of emotion inside me for her) I feel like if she just gets on with her own life and things can be okay I can properly begin to move on from the entire thing. But I just feel so stressed that shes going to flip back to missing me and have a breakdown and I will have to deal with it. I feel trapped between this relationship and the future that I might be able to have but I'm afraid to start building because I don't know if I'm strong enough to break away. A problem is she is one who actually carries through with her threats of hurting herself. She did it last time.

I am also scared of her trying to ruin things for me if I start getting better. You know, during the worst times I felt like I was going crazy and we had a lot of conversations where I said things that I am not at all proud of saying, and Im scared she can use these messages as a way to smear me, without people getting to know the full surrounding circumstances.

Im ready to move forwards but I'm just nervous.

[Forgiveness]

Accidental double post. Sorry. Please delete.

[Forgiveness]

I went through something similar. We are now six weeks broken up.

Think of it as an addiction. If you were trying to quit smoking, then you can't have just a cigarette now and then. You really have to quit. The extreme ups and downs of a BPD relationship are also an addiction. Just like with smoking, you have to come up with strategies to make it easier for yourself-- get rid of all the cigarettes, don't go to the place you used to buy them, don't stand in someone else's smoke.

Set up your life so that you are protected from her messages. I don't know if that means blocking her, or just sending her messages to the trash, but you have to remove the temptations as much as you can. She WILL message you again and she might hurt herself. This is not your responsibility.

I relate to the feeling of wanting to be a "good person" and not a person who ignores or ghosts. I had the impulse to keep listening to her rants and answering her ridiculous questions, just to know that I "handled it respectfully." But it's impossible. I can just see my ex telling all her friends that I disappeared suddenly and won't even talk to her. This is exactly what she said about her previous ex. At some point I had to decide to live with the possibility that she will trash-talk me. That is OK. She can do whatever she likes. And no matter how nicely I act, she will still trash-talk me, so I can't avoid this. I can only focus on my own life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anon28, Welcome to the Club!  Many of us on this board have moved from Bettering to Detaching, often after recycling one or more times.  It's all part of the BPD dance.  The issue is whether you're ready to get off the roller coaster.  If so, we can help.  If not, only you know when it's time to get off.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

Like Forgiveness, I can relate to your sense of responsibility and desire to a "good person."  I'm a loyal guy, but my loyalty was misplaced with my BPDxW.  I finally had to ask myself, why I was being loyal to a persecutor?  As Forgiveness writes:

I had the impulse to keep listening to her rants and answering her ridiculous questions, just to know that I "handled it respectfully." But it's impossible.

I have to agree.  When one reaches one's limit, it's time to get off the bus.  In a sense you're lucky that she broke it off, though I know it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment.  At some point, I predict, you will be grateful to have moved on.  In the meantime, hang in there and strive to find your path again.

LuckyJim

[confusedbybdp]

 

Hi anon28,

I just finished reading your earlier posts, as well as the update you just posted.  I think the crux of the problem is right here (and we have all been there!).

But it feels like i'm being cruel if I ignore, I feel like I need to make her feel better because I have been the main one doing it for years.

This is where we need to pull back and make a full stop.  We were trained (conditioned) either earlier in our lives, and most certainly by our BPD partners, that WE are responsible for managing their moods, their (constant) crises, problems, and even, as in your gf's case, their very life.  Once we have bought into this, it is VERY HARD to stop doing it.  But, it is your only lifeline.  At some point, we all had to stop doing this.  Many of us, myself included, only stopped when we were completely broken and shattered by the relationship.  I crawled out on my hands and knees, after saying to my therapist "help me, I CAN'T GET OUT!"  The next week, I WAS out, only because I had no more to give, and it was either "me" or the relationship.  Finally, finally, my survival instinct kicked in, and I pulled away for good. 

If I can help you in any way, it is to tell you that none of what is going on with your gf is your fault or your responsibility.  Let go, and let the chips fall where they may.  Whatever beliefs you have that you can "save" her are illusions.  You cannot save her, no matter how much you love her, care about her, miss her, etc.  BPD is stronger than all these things, and will win every time.  The ONLY hope she has is if she gets professional help.  The problem is, she may never admit her illness/dysfunction, and may never seek help.  There is a great deal of research on WHY people with BPD cannot "see" their disorder.  Some people believe it is because they will avoid ever having to face how much they have hurt others.  But there is increasing evidence in the scientific literature that people with BPD have a brain that is deficient in the ability to be self-aware.  Whatever you do, do not fall into the trap that you will try one last time to help her by telling her you think she has BPD.  Many have gone down this road before you, never with good results.  Most of the time, their effort to "help" is met with rage and denial.

Take care of YOURSELF. Protect yourself from further harm.  Let go.  It's time, my friend.  You've fought the "good fight."  The rest of the battle is hers and hers alone.   

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, confusedbybpd.  Yup, we are trained to take on the problems of others as our own.  Took me a long time to grasp that putting my BPDxW's needs first was a way to avoid addressing my own issues.  I had no appreciation of self-love or self-acceptance, which seemed foreign concepts to me.

Whatever beliefs you have that you can "save" her are illusions.  You cannot save her, no matter how much you love her, care about her, miss her, etc.  BPD is stronger than all these things, and will win every time.

As confusedby describes, I had the hubris to think I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  I couldn't "save" my BPDxW, no matter how hard I tried.  I could only save myself, after nearly drowning in the BPD whirlpool.  I lost myself for a while there, which was not fun.  Luckily I grabbed a branch before nearly going over the falls.

LuckyJim

[SinisterComplex]

Anon, most importantly...do not be nervous to move forward. Do not let anyone else have control over YOU. Period! I know this sounds hard but you really do have to adopt an I don't give a sh*t attitude. Why you may ask...because it is a necessity for you to move forward and bring good opportunities and good people into your life.

Your business is finished. I wouldn't even worry about the smear campaigns or any of that stuff. Go about your business. My ex wife did the smear campaign nonsense to and honestly my family and friends and I knew the truth so that is all that mattered. Her family ended up questioning her, this last situation I was in her family liked me and I am pretty positive her grandmother and people will question her the same and why...because I am a pretty awesome guy and person and did nothing to deserve the treatment I received. Do not worry about others passing judgment. Life is too short my friend. Want better, expect better, Do Better!

[anon28]

Hi all, thanks for all the replies. I have read them and I will re-read them again I'm sure. I'm not doing so great right now. I have been drinking quite a bit and I'm feeling guilty because I am becoming a bit close with someone new, but then I feel like this new closeness is making me feel stressed because I'm not yet over everything with my exgf. I'm feeling guilty for letting someone become close to me when I'm pretty much emotionally unavailable right now.

I have been feeling like messaging my exgf, and I have done a bit, but then I try to keep the messages small and related to how shes doing rather than about us being together again. I am missing her even though I know I shouldn't be. I still feel awful about her cheating. Even now its popping into my head now and then and just ruining my mood. I feel like going through a second breakup with her is making me relive all the horrible things that happened during the first breakup, especially because I didn't actually get a chance to really process it all due to her behaviour at the time.

I still find her intoxicating but I am really trying my hardest to just not give into it. I know if I give into it its just another year or more of the same miserable life. I seem to remember the nice times more than the bad times at the moment though. I find that drinking makes me more okay and feel quite soothed, but then I also feel like this is just pushing the problems ahead to another day. I feel like the new thing I have going on just doesn't give that same euphoric feeling I experienced during my relationship with my exgf. But then it also doesn't give those horrible low times either. Maybe this is just how things normally are when two people start to like each other in a more normal way. I guess I just feel lost right now and I don't know what the correct direction is. I find reading through the posts on this forum helps me to feel like I'm not the only one feeling like this, and the replies are really helpful and I appreciate the time that you have all put in in giving me such thoughtful responses.

[SinisterComplex]

Anon, continue to vent and just let it out. I personally love this platform because it accomplishes so many important things for me all in one. I get to remain anonymous more or less (I love to help people, but I love my privacy as well), I get to apply my education, it helps bring me back to a passion of mine...writing, and most importantly I get to make a difference and apply my unique perspective and swagger to help uplift others.

This is cathartic for me for sure as well.

Continue to strive to get better everyday and I hope the new relationship works out in your favor. Just take your time. You do deserve something good to come your way.

Cheers!

-SC-

[anon28]

Yes, even if it just feels like screaming into the void at times it helps. I think I'm kind of having a second wind of bad feeling at the moment. I keep thinking of what she did to me, and then I feel like I never want to speak to her again, then a couple of hours later I remember something nice we did together and feel nostalgic and miss her. I feel frustrated that she poisoned what we had. I would have tolerated her mood swings, anger outbursts, pretty much everything apart from infidelity. I feel like I'm just waiting around for her to meet someone new to give the final nail in the coffin of what we had. I'm hardly speaking to her, and when we do message I tend to just keep it civil and about how her day was. I don't voice call with her and she tends to ask me to but I just say no I don't think its a good idea. I'm not sure if keeping this contact with her is keeping the bad feelings around and my mind on her. I just have a huge feeling of apathy about life in general at the moment. I put so much into this relationship and I had so many plans and I feel like now that dream and that future has just withered and died, through no fault of my own. It just makes me feel depressed and feel like why bother trying. I don't like who I became in that relationship, but now I don't know who I even am outside of it.

I find myself replaying her cheating in my mind and feeling horrible stabs of jealousy, even now, one year later. But then maybe I just buried my feelings at the time I decided to give it a second try. I feel like I don't feel much for anyone I'm talking with now. I'm talking to different girls and this makes me feel bad because I think they like me when I'm just hurting inside and I don't even have anything to give back. I feel like I am talking to these different girls in the hope of finding someone to fill that void and give me that same euphoric feeling, but then maybe that euphoric feeling came from the highs after the lows, and without the lows I got during my old relationship I can't get those highs. I feel like an addict. I'm just tired and sad. The future doesn't feel exciting any more. I feel like I have lost all motivation.

[SinisterComplex]

You have to truly let go and choose who you want to be. Continually remind yourself that I will not be treated that way ever again. I will not stand for that BS from anyone I date ever again. I deserve better. I want better. I will Do Better!

You cannot let new opportunities pass you by. We only get one life and there are no do-overs so after 1 year...yeah its time to truly put your past behind you and allow happiness in. However, you still are holding onto too much debris and it is clogging up your path to success and happiness.

Now in saying that...I always aim to uplift, but that doesn't mean I am trying to squelch your venting. No, continue to vent. Talk it out. Get rid of all that BS preventing you from being happy. If necessary...I'll be around to keep tabs.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-