It can be exhausting being in a relationship with a pwBPD - Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341094.30

Let us all be sitting safely in our warm cars, far from the ice patch, with a big mug of steaming latte and Sirius radio tuned to our favorite channel.  

And may we hold onto that image in coming weeks when we and our loved ones are subject to all measure of historical family triggers relating to the retreat of the sun and the holiday season.

[Cat Familiar]

This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341094.30

Let us all be sitting safely in our warm cars, far from the ice patch, with a big mug of steaming latte and Sirius radio tuned to our favorite channel.  

And may we hold onto that image in coming weeks when we and our loved ones are subject to all measure of historical family triggers relating to the retreat of the sun and the holiday season.

[Ozzie101]

No kidding. Thanksgiving will be OK for me (or should since we're going on vacation to one of our favorite cities) but I'm fighting anxiety about Christmas. That's becoming an annual thing. A shame really. This used to be my favorite time of year.

Cup of tea, yummy scone and the Muppets singing Christmas carols on the car radio... Repeat.

[Wulphesse]

I second that, Cat!

Hugs in advance to everyone!

[Jetta]

This thread is amazing. I see myself (the co-dependent) and my H (the pwBPD) in so many of your posts.

I used to feel exhausted and drained all the time, walking on eggshells, etc. But when I came to realize that I was co-dependent and worked on what I needed to work on (boundaries, self-esteem) and that my H was probably a covert narcissist but then suspected pwPBD as that seemed to fit better, I started working on other things (learning the patterns of bullsh*t that NPD/or BPD will cause, to not take it personally, to understand that he will never ever act or talk like the kind of H I want, and to build my own life and be independent) I don't feel exhausted and drained all the time.

Sometimes I'm disappointed, in myself for slipping back into that old habit of thinking he will interact with me the way how nons interact (i.e.: to have a conversation that isn't like walking into a minefield) or sad that we can't have just one day of boring old normalcy.

[Ozzie101]

So familiar, Jetta.

I'm struggling with that right now. Just last night, H was angry, annoyed and dismissive about a possible job opportunity for me. I feel frustrated and exhausted but also annoyed with myself for thinking he might be supportive. Still, I think I handled it better than I would have a year ago.

Also, last year, I probably would have decided not to even try -- feeling too defeated. Now, I know I'm going through with it, no matter what happens. Job, no job, I have to give it a go, with or without H's support.

But, in a time that's both scary and exciting, the support and cheerleading of a spouse would be nice.

[GaGrl]

What I'm seeing in these posts is a difference between disregulations that flare and are short-term versus periods of deregulation that are extended over weeks or months -- and how much more exhausting the effect is on the non when dealing with the extended version. I think the techniques and tools are perhaps not different, but rather some tools work better over the long run.

Early in our marriage, when DH's ex lived closer to us and DH had not completely understood or accepted BPD and his co-dependency, I saw his exhaustion. Unfortunately, the 33 years of his experiences with her had stress consequences that manifested physically -- high blood pressure, diverticulitis flares, etc. Those are the consequences I worry about -- that nons become so physically worn down that stress disease appears.

[Ozzie101]

That's a very good observation, GaGrl. I do think there are two different issues at play: short-term and long-term.

Earlier this year, when H was generally happy and in a good mood, the odd dysregulation was disheartening but easier to handle. Now that they're happening more frequently (and the periods between are frequently moody), I feel myself getting more easily worn down. As I said in another thread this morning, when H was upset with me last night, I found myself shaking uncontrollably -- something I haven't done since last year when he was in his bad phase.

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you need some serious Ozzie-time for R & R. And you're going away for Thanksgiving, if I remember correctly. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to recharge your batteries?

[Ozzie101]

Well, we're going away -- just the two of us. Usually, he's in an excellent mood on vacation, so there's that.

As for me-time, not really. Things will be crazy getting ready for the trip. Maybe when we get back I can go visit my grandmother or something. I'd do a weekend away, but given his current state, that's likely to trigger a major freak-out. I'll give it some thought.

[Cat Familiar]

What about a massage? Or a mani/pedi?

[Ozzie101]

Those actually stress me out. I know, I'm odd!

But an afternoon tea with my grandmother or going to my favorite tea shop and then a book store are possibilities.

[Cat Familiar]

I like massages, but I'm not keen on mani/pedis. Can you squeeze in a quick trip to the tea shop and or bookstore?

[Ozzie101]

Well, I did next-best thing last night: I made a chess pie for my work Thanksgiving potluck. I do enjoy baking.

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds delicious!    Have a nice get together with your fellow workers!

[Wulphesse]

I'm glad you found a way to do something to make you feel better, Ozzie!

I think GaGrl's observation is spot on. I've noticed that early in our relationship, dysregulation events were acute, and very stressful, but that the last several years of near-constant deregulation has zapped me in a completely different way. It's difficult to tease out how much of that is just the increasing awareness I have of the disorder, how much of that is just my own age/stage of life, and how much is the compound effect of living in hyper-vigilance and high alert for almost a decade.

I can't really do a comparison regarding the tools -- I had some in place early on, and over time I don't know whether I became less skilled with them, the deregulation escalated (familiarity does seem to breed a special kind of contempt in a pwBPD and/or the nonBPD), or the ones I used were either ineffective, ineptly deployed (by me), or lost efficacy over time.

I do know that many of the suggestions, methods, tips I used successfully in the past no longer work and can make things worse. I have a hard time measuring whether this is because due to H's escalation in the face of a limit, or whether it is actually because he recognizes them and resents them -- often telling me that stating my feelings is an attempt to manipulate him, etc.

I think what compounds the exhaustion is the complete lack of ability we have to communicate. He doesn't just stonewall/ST. He lives in an outright fortress. Every single interaction has become stressful for me.

[Ozzie101]

That's a difficult spot to be in, Wulphesse. I often feel like I can't really talk to my H because if I really share what I think or feel about a situation, he gets angry and defensive. If he's hurt by or upset at someone, anything short of complete, 100% agreement (preferably with rage) is acceptable.

So, I often end up just sitting and listening, making sort of vague comments when necessary. Sometimes I get away with that. Sometimes the vagueness triggers him more.

[ortac77]

This resonates with me. My pwBPD is going through one of those long protracted dysregulations and although the more extreme acute ones are stressful these longer term ones are just draining, its like living with a 'dementor' (Harry Potter) reference - draining all my energy and enthusiasm.

When I do see him its like the light fades from the room, yes I am trying to keep myself active and engaged with others but time spent at home is just miserable and terrible as it sounds I dread seeing him because the blackness of mood just fills the room.

TBH I am finding it very hard to feel any sympathy or compassion at the moment, I don't like the Winter and find the holiday season difficult myself - probably S.A.D but I try not to withdraw and make some effort knowing that spring is only a few months away but he just hibernates and I am finding it difficult to handle.

Its good to come here and know I am not alone

[Cat Familiar]

That's a very unhealthy pattern to participate in, Ozzie, as you undoubtedly realize. Have you asked him, "Do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen?"

[Ozzie101]

I do, realize it, Cat. I thought we'd gotten out of it. But with his increased stress lately, we've taken a couple of steps back.

When he's ranting, he frequently asks a question or asks for my input and seems to want me to talk. I give it, but I have to be careful about what I say. When he's in a certain kind of mood, he will not be receptive to anything he interprets as criticism. He wants me to talk, but either wants me to agree with him completely or disagree so he can rant about my lack of support.

I will say, last night he tried to pull my father into a relatively unrelated matter. (H's psychiatrist has been slow responding about something -- abnormally slow.) Since my dad is a doctor, though not a psychiatrist, H kept trying to say "So, if your dad did this to a patient, whose side would you be on?" I started sort of debating with him, telling him how I would respond, then finally said, "You know, this has nothing to do with my dad. He's not involved in this at all so I'm not going to talk about him." It worked -- at least that time.

[ortac77]

Thats an uncomfortable place Ozzie and I find this whole being asked for 'opinions' is probably a kind of trap kind of realising that it is a route to moving blame/responsibility onto me. Most times I am asked it relates to some situation in the past that cannot be changed anyway, he ruminates endlessly on past events and the role of 'others' and simply cannot see that in every situation his own actions or behaviour have contributed to the outcome, generally him being ignored or abandoned as is the case with his FOO or former friends.

I have become very wary about venturing an opinion and usually now turn the question around to one of 'what do you want to do about it and how do you think that will work out?' The result of this is often either annoyance on his part or withdrawal but to me seems a whole lot safer after all I am firmly of the opinion that the only choices are to let it go (I think highly difficult for pwBPD) or seek to make amends (equally hard).

After all when I have ventured an opinion in the past it is usually used against me at some point! Furthermore the asking of an opinion often covers up the fact that what he is trying to do is influence my behaviour or thinking. For example as we come up to Christmas ( a particularly difficult time for him and for different reasons not my favourite time of year) my opinions are sought on should we send cards and to whom - on the surface a reasonable question but as soon as we started discussing it turned around to trying to persuade me that I should not send them to my friends or family! Furthermore that I should tell the neighbours to take down their decorations because they were annoying him and if I didn't he would take to his bed and wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

It gets wearing, I could have recorded exactly the same conversation from the past x years so kinda knew it was coming but of course the problem has no resolution and I find it easiest to withdraw from the conversation and get on with my own life.

It is exhausting and draining and of course difficult to maintain ones own equilibrium when surrounded by such negativity!



 

[formflier]

"So, if your dad did this to a patient, whose side would you be on?" 

to

My guess is that you  would have been better off to focus on nuance and gently step away from picking sides, eventually end up with empathy for both parties involved.


You were completely right determining it's not about your Dad.


Also might be a place for "validating questions".

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0 

Maybe asking those under the guise of better understanding what he is actually asking.


Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Yes, orate, it is wearing. And you're right about the opinions not leading anywhere good. He's usually looking to lash out and if my point of view doesn't align with his, that gives him all the reason/excuse he needs.

Thanks, FF. I'm going to read up on validating questions. H doesn't like questions. They make him annoyed and he accuses me of avoiding but there may be a way to make it work.

We had a particularly bad night last Wednesday. It was the fourth night in a row of difficult conversations and late nights and I was worn out with it all, so I'm afraid a lot of the tools just went out the window. I'm not proud of that. Things have been fine since then and he's got a therapy appointment tomorrow where he plans to address a lot of his recent feelings and behaviors.

[hopeandchoices]

I am so glad I have read in this post discussions about the differences between short term and long term dysregulation! Does anyone who has seen their pwBPD come out of a long period, say months, of low mood, increased sensitivity, daily episodes or rage, self harm, or being painted black, silent treatment, any of the above, (or whatever dysregulation looks like for your person) know or remember what it was that brought them out of it? Was it just time passing? Or did you or they change behaviour that helped end the long period? I am in one now that has been going for about 8 months with the last 5 very severe, and would love to learn anything that might allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel or help him get there faster.

Ozzie101, I can relate with the conversational problems so much! My SO also doesn't like questions really, actually, he doesn't really like to talk in a two way conversation at all, and I feel often like I just have to agree with him. If it doesn't affect my inner life (i.e. my personal limits/boundaries) then I often just keep my opinions to myself if I feel like my disagreement would cause more rage. I think that's okay, as long as you feel like it's not silencing things that are really important to you/your relationship and you feel independent in yourself and don't end up agreeing internally. I think we learn that in our lives shared with BPs, some things we might never get within our relationship, and we come to find expressing disagreement on less personal matters elsewhere. For instance, with other friends/family. I am trying to remember that as long as I validate his emotions, and not fuss or debate over the details of the situation that's frustrating him, it is a lot easier to keep any disagreements in opinion to myself. Because you can't disagree with how they are feeling -  no matter how irrational it seems, it's real for them. Well done one all your hard work, perseverance, and learning. I really hope you get even the slightest bit of time for yourself to have a cup of tea and a read, or whatever you like - you deserve it.

All the best to everyone and their loved ones through the Christmas period, stay strong - you've got this! xx

[formflier]

Thanks, FF. I'm going to read up on validating questions. H doesn't like questions. They make him annoyed and he accuses me of avoiding but there may be a way to make it work.

 

Can you share some word for word on what this looks like?  

At first glance I would say respond with "befuddlement".  Such as "How can I respond to what I don't understand?  I want to understand.  I'm open to listen.

Switching gears.

Why not disengage when you are tired?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

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