Conflicted and Not wanting to Tolerate it.

[AbuNassif]

I have no real way of knowing if my wife is BPD.
I just see lots of little patterns that I've put together, that could explain a lot ...

By comparison to many of the stories I read here, I have it easy. But I feel like hell. I feel used, emasculated, gaslighted, off balance, sick, sad, angry. Wondering if I'm the crazy one. I've been in therapy for year, and my therapist tells me I'm a perfectly fine man in a toxic environment.

The more I read of what it takes to live with a pwBPD the more I think, I'm not cut out for this, where's the exit? Life is too short. I think after 5 years together, 3 years married, I've had all the good will chafed out of me, it's just about survival, and can I manage her somehow to at least get through the week, week by week, and can I start over bankrupt at 52, and how can I exit with the least damage to myself? The last thing on my mind is whether she'll ever be diagnosed or made well. If she was a pet I'd give her away to the first taker, or depository, and wouldn't look back. I just want out. I don't want to get old like this.

The only problems are that I think if I leave she's just going to gradually fall apart, I did promise to take care of her after all, and she'll make divorce a living hell, it will take years off my life. If I thought I could have a reasonable parting of ways, with an upper hand back up plan, I'd file tomorrow.

So many of you are trying ... it's admirable ... but why?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I know you'd like the nearest exit out, and that's understandable. However, legally it gets complicated, as you're well aware. For that reason, I'm going to move your post to the Bettering board. This may seem contrary to your wishes, but there you will learn strategies to make things calmer as you take steps to end your relationship.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hi Abu,

I hear your frustration. I am in the same boat and wonder if I am the one going crazy. It is a roller coaster of emotions for both the BPD and the non.

To answer your question, I stay in the marriage for our 3 kids, and a hope that things will improve. If they do not improve and the house becomes more toxic, then I will have to leave. Too much harm can be done. Too much emotional abuse can turn into long term issues for everyone involved. I am just learning about interacting and the SET rules of engagement, and they are working, just like magic. However there are still times of simple irrational craziness.

So for you I would ask what your why is to stay in the relationship. Kids, money, codependency, true love, commitment? I know you say you made a commitment to her, I would step out on a limp and say you made that commitment not understanding the possible BPD traits. BPD is a serious emotional condition that usually does not get better.

I do not want to leave you on a sour note. Sometime life throws you things to challenge you and make you stronger. You do need to always take care of yourself, should you stay in the relationship or not.

Good luck buddy

[AbuNassif]

Well that was an extreme rant for me.
Felt good.

Thank you all for the serious and careful responses.
Helpful.

This morning I went into the living room where she sleeps and woke her up gently, got next to her on the couch and gave her a big hug. She asked if I will ever stop being mad at her. Mind you, in the last two days, she's wrecked our car (driving off road for no good reason and landing in a ditch she knew was there - she had just parked near it - blamed the "pot hole" - never said sorry I wrecked the car you just spent three hours getting estimates on maintaining and having the oil changed - it has 200400 miles on it and I still owe $3500 ... you're damn right I'm mad, but I can't say it because lord knows where that will push her) and has been in my face every time we've needed to transact or negotiate on little things throughout the day. I said I'd stop being mad if she'd stop running away, and we can have peace for a few days. She agreed. Wow. Maybe Thanksgiving won't be a blowout.

Holy Lord have mercy on me.

Good luck to all of you.