Husband says he isn't even comfortable in the same room with me

[Searchingforhelp]

I have been married for 20 years.  I recently started therapy myself because my husband threatened to leave me if I didn’t.  He himself has been in therapy for over 3 years. He is a recovered alcoholic who has been sober for 3 1/2 years. My therapist after about 4 sessions introduced me to the idea that my husband sounded like he had BP tendencies.  I started reading “stop walking on eggshells” and I was floored that what I was reading fit so much of the dynamic of our relationship. The piece that doesn’t fit, is that he wants to leave me and I am the one begging him to stay.

My husband told me about a month a go that he was going to move out.  Then a day later he told me he didn’t really want to move out that he just wanted to get my attention.  He said that I have lost me and that I need to find myself and focus on myself again.  I realize that he is right about this.  But what I also realized reading the book that I have lost a lot of my self esteem and have isolated myself because of the behavior that I have experienced in our relationship.  I have been on the receiving end of emotional rages for 20 years.  I am afraid to share my true feelings because I dont’ want my words twisted and used against me.

My husband says he doesn’t feel comfortable even being in the same room as me.  He retreats every night to another room and closes the door.  He has been doing this for over a year.  He told me that this was what he needed when he started EMDR because what he was going through was hard and he needed time alone.  I supported it.  Now he says that he realized that I would be fine if it stayed that way forever.

Now a month after the first threat to move out, he says he is just done and ready to move on.  He’s going to start the process of moving out.

I desperately want to find a solution and keep my family together.  We have two boys 13 and 9 years old.  My husband wants to talk to them and tell them that we are not getting along and he is going to go stay somewhere else.  I dont’ want to do this.  My kids went through a lot before he got sober when they were young, plus I don’t want them to feel the instability of not knowing what the future holds.

Please offer any advice you think will help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hi SFH,

I'm glad you found this message board and website. Welcome. I am a newbie too, having so many similarities to your story. My uBPD wife and I have three young kids, so I know how it takes extra work to keep the family together and emotionally healthy. You can do this if you choose, lots of hard work, but the journey can be worth it.

It is a great thing that your husband and yourself are finding support through therapy. You mentioned he is doing EMDR. Does he also have PTSD or other trauma? Mentioning this because my wife was diagnosed with PTSD and is also doing EMDR currently. I feel having PTSD can be correlated with a pwBPD. Maybe some similarities that you can keep an eye on.

You mentioned that you felt you needed to work on yourself. I can definitely relate to that. I thought I was going nuts, being with my wife for ten years and not understanding BPD. It was only after my wife and I took a month apart and I saw a therapist that I had enough clarity to see the true situation and improve myself. I found some hobbies, did things to strengthen myself and my emotional well-being.

Also look up the push/pull tendencies of BPD. This is a strange dynamic and shows up in lots of different ways to different people. What helped me was staying center with what I wanted, which is to stay with my wife and keep our family together. Now I never fluctuate from this or say anything going against this. I don't want to give my wife any ammo for pulling away.

And if I can make a recommendation, maybe talk with your husband about staying together and trying to work on things. It seems you are making progress understanding the whole situation and awareness on everybody's part. Maybe this can buy you some more time to sort through things. When you start applying communication skills when interacting with a possible BPD, it can really changes things.

Hang in there and stay strong. Keep posting and asking questions.

[Searchingforhelp]

Dnmtnbkr,

Thanks for the reply.  This is all so hard and really so much to wrap my head around.  I had not really had any validation ever before this week that this behavior was not rational.  I haven’t really shared what was going on with anyone before I started therapy.

I have been talking with my husband about staying.  I have really pretty much begged him.  He is willing to stay through the holidays for the kids.  I don’t know what will happen after that.  I don’t think that he really wants to break up our family but I do think that he really means it when he says that he is done and wants to move on.  Its so hard for me to understand how he can be done.

The best I can understand it is for two reasons.  1. He knows that he has hurt me so much, he can never be free of that guilt and he “wants a clean slate” (his words). 2. He says that I am so closed and avoidant and won’t talk about my feelings that he feels emotionally abandoned.  I have acknowledged that I can understand this.  The part that is really difficult for me is that the reason that I am closed, fearful, have low self esteem and have isolated myself is 20 years of dealing with the BP tendencies.  He rages at me often. 

Yes he has childhood trauma that he is recovering from.  His therapist diagnosed him with a dissociative disorder.  He recently quit seeing his therapist though.  The therapy and EMDR did seem to help for awhile but then I honestly think it started to make the situation worse.  I think that she really encouraged him to do what was best for him, which of course I agree with.  However, it seemed to shift his focus to blame a lot on me.  I’m fine accepting 50 of the relationship problems, but that is not what he wants.  For the first time that I can remember, he essentially thinks that I am the only one who has work to do and that its all up to me.  That makes me feel pretty hopeless because I know that is just not even reasonable.  I have begged him to go to couples counseling but he says it would be a waste of time.

I will keep trying.  I am committed to keeping our family together, but I can only change things that are within my control, myself, I cannot change him.

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hey SFH, That's it. You can only control yourself. As hard as it is, you can not control your husband or his decision to stay in the marriage or go. So how are you going to take care of yourself?

It is amazing to me how similar the stories are from members of this group. SFH, your story on him wanting to split is so similar to mine. My uBPDw says she is done, I have done so many things to destroy our marriage, she has no energy left to put into our marriage. She has said (in calm moments) that she knows how much she has hurt me, it comes from a deep place of love for me, I truly believe she knows how much pain she has caused. It must be hard to live with oneself knowing this, and to continue on in a relationship knowing they are a primary cause, but unable to take any responsibility. I can understand how/why your husband wants a clean slate.

My wife still threatens to leave me, or separate. I'm at a place where I simply respond with a "OK if that is what you feel will be best, I understand why you would feel that way. I still want us to be together and that is what I am working on." I used to get upset when she wanted to leave, but I have no control whether she does or not, and I don't want to take the bait and go down her rabbit hole.

And all this makes your job even harder. You are having to forgive all past hurt, learn how to deal with your husband successfully, keep your family together, take care of your family and other personal responsibilities, and all while you receive no acknowledgement and take on hurtful comments. Urgh! Not what you signed up for huh? However you can do it, and watch how strong you will become.

It sounds like you are just learning about all of this as well. But now you know and you can learn to communicate with him more effectively. He will see this change in you, and most likely, will start to realize where his mistakes and responsibilities lay. I have found that with the right communication most episodes are not elevated to explosion. When my wife sees the fights are not escalating, it is weird to her, and instead of her being validated with the rage that I'm to blame, she is left to sit and stew in her own mess. I don't get dragged into it. Check out the SET communication skills, it's a must know. They are in the tool kit on this website.

Also you mentioned you accepting the 50 relationship problems. I did wince when I read this. I hope you are not taking responsibility for any untrue issues. Stay strong in your truth, but do not overly defend. Less is more powerful here. If you are heard, saying it once is all you need to say, saying repeatedly opens the door for your words getting twisted around and then you are defending yourself to an irrational person. You will never win, and the fight will never be over.

Keep seeing your therapist. I know my head is still spinning from 10 years of emotional abuse not realizing my partner has BPD traits. You will see yourself getting stronger and more prepared to deal with this challenge. I am using my kids as my strength to keep fighting, it sounds like you are too. Nothing better to fight for.