Holidays can be hard

[JuniperMM]

As I decorate my house for Christmas with my beautiful baby daughter and my sweet husband, I can’t help but think of my mother. She has characteristics of BPD. I’ve written a letter that I am almost ready to send her telling her that for my own mental health, I can’t be in relationship with her anymore. I feel so many emotions, guilt being the most prevalent. I feel sadness and anger and regret. I’m working so hard to be present in this moment where we are making our own good memories and starting traditions in my nuclear family and yet my mind goes back to her often. I feel like a jerk for sending this letter at this time of year. I also want to be true to myself and make choices that are best for me.
For so many years I have held my mother at arms length not feeling like it safe to let her close and now that I have a young baby I feel like I need to make a clear brake. I want to be mentally healthy and present in my life without the constant energy it takes to be in relationship with her.
I have never been part of an online support group before but I am glad that this exists because, try ask they might, most people do not understand.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you hearing that you feel it is time to no longer have in your life your mother with characteristics of BPD. You are feeling sad about having to tell your mother this. You have a baby daughter you want to protect and all this is coming to a head as the holidays approach. Know that you are not alone in having to make painful decisions about the relationship with a parent challenged by characteristics of BPD. There are many members on this site who do not want to hurt our parent, yet we feel unable to continue the relationship as it is with our parent, and most of all we want to protect our children from the treatment we have received from our parent. There are many members on this site who are/have been in similar situations with a parent with characteristics of BPD, and we are here to listen and support you.

[Turkish]

What triggers you to want to break contact now?

[JuniperMM]

Zachira, thank you for your understanding and support. I feel heard and that means so much.

Turkish, breaking contact is something I have been moving towards for a few months. My Therapist and I decided that during this time while I am off call from work I would have the time to write the letters I need to write as well as have the space to grieve.
Since I left for college I have gone through periods or much, little, and no contact but never have I clearly communicated that I was not going to be in communication. In the past we have traded off giving the other the silent treatment. Since having my first child, my low level anxiety escalated to postpartum anxiety which prompted my seeing a therapist who specializes in perinatal mood disorders. She quickly honed in on my mother being a major trigger for me and recommended I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". Being pregnant and having a new baby I felt very vulnerable and did not feel safe having much contact at all with my mother. Now that I am further out from the birth I feel like my hormones are more regulated and I am much less anxious.
Before I was married I could say that my mother only affected me and I could put up with it. Then when I got married I realized that she affects me, which in turn affects my husband. He told me that he feels like she is like a burglar who steals me away for hours or even days with just a text message. And now with a child I feel the need to disconnect totally to protect us all from her and from the me I am when I am in contact with her.
I feel as though with this being my baby's first Christmas and my mother's first grandchild, things are likely to escalate with her desiring more contact and I just need to nip it in the bud so that I am not spending the constant mental energy keeping her at a safe distance.

Thank you for your provoking question.

[zachira]

I admire your deciding to go NC with your mother. You have tried no contact/low contact and it just didn't work. It is understandable that you want to put your daughter and husband first while feeling so sad about having to make this type of decision about your own mother. For many of us who post here, there has come a time when the ongoing mistreatment and how it makes us feel while how it affects our family members is just too much and we decide to go NC. Keep us posted on how the NC goes and how we can help. Surely your mother will try to establish contact with you at times, and this can be challenging.

[ProudDad12]

JuniperMM, your post is very timely. I'm struggling with the same thing today. I've been dreading Christmas, as we've been NC with my mom and by extension my enmeshed FOO, and like you I'm expecting escalation. Today is our traditional day to set up the Christmas tree and decorations, and it has been a struggle to stay present. I got myself through it by reminding myself it's not fair to my kids for me to be distant and wrapped in my emotions, and I risk robbing them of making their own good Christmas memories. I know that tactic won't apply to you for another year or two when your daughter is older. But you owe it to yourself to enjoy this time with your family. I understand as well as anyone that's an easy thing to say, and that the guilt is a sneaky thing. After all we are human. It's strange and unfortunate thing that we have to bear guilt over actions that are not wrong, but healthy. It helps to get the guilt out on here, and leave it here, to the best that you're able.

He told me that he feels like she is like a burglar who steals me away for hours or even days with just a text message.

This really resonated with me... my mom can wreck me for a day with 3 words.

In any event, it sounds like you are taking steps to offer your child a healthy home and relationships. It may be hard but that doesn't make it wrong. Kudos for doing it this early... speaking from experience, it's possible you are doing your child a service in her behavioral/emotional development. I've been amazed how much my mom can do with very little interaction. I say this because I know every little bit helps when the mind sabotages us, and knowing you are protecting your child is no small thing.

You summed it up with your subject... Holidays are hard. But give yourself permission to enjoy this time. I'm trying to do the same for myself! Keep posting, lots of shoulders to lean on here!

[JuniperMM]

I am overwhelmed (in a good way) with the support I have received from this group   . My healthy loved ones are very kind and supportive but not having grown up with family dynamics like mine, there is just no way they can truly understand the things I am feeling and processing. For the first time I feel as if I can get more than a "I'm so sorry" or "that sucks" and it is so good.
I am dropping the letters to my mother and my enmeshed step father in the mail tomorrow and I am feeling very peaceful now that they are written. I do expect my mother to attempt to contact me and I know that will be difficult but I feel very strong right now and know that I am in control.

Zachira
Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom about it being challenging when she tries to contact me. I don't expect my letters to be received well but glory, hallelujah, i'm not responsible for her response! This is a good reminder to remember this truth.

ProudDad12
Thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. It means so much just to have someone say, "I get it". Take this or leave this... I don't know the ages of your children but it's ok for you to be human and, as it is appropriate, for them to see you having good days and hard days. Seeing their dad working hard on mental and emotional health is probably one of the healthiest thing you could model for them. I hope decorating your tree was overall a joyful time. Cheers to you for pursuing health for yourself and your family!

It's strange and unfortunate thing that we have to bear guilt over actions that are not wrong, but healthy. It helps to get the guilt out on here, and leave it here, to the best that you're able.

This^ stood out to me from your message and rings so true. How bizarre to feel guilt over healthy things. It is such a battle in my brain, often. Thank you for the encouragement to use this as a healthy outlet. I find that If I can say the loops that play in my head out loud, or type them, they loose their power.

 I am going to leave this bit on here: Yesterday as we were decorating, a memory came up of my mother being angry about something and saying, "Well, merry F-ing Christmas!". I started to tell my husband about it but I decided that I didn't want to perpetuate that memory so I just said, "You know what? Never mind. I'm not going to say that out loud." So I will say it here, shed a tear, and leave it.
Thank you for your words about protecting my child and providing a healthy home. I want to do all in my power to protect her and you are right, this is no small thing.

I am choosing to give myself permission to enjoy this precious time of year.

[JuniperMM]

Well, my copy and paste attempt went a little askew!
#newbie

[Harri]

Hi JuniperMM and welcome!

I don't have anything to add really as our other members have given such great support.

I did fix your quote tho!    No worries, you'll get it.

[JuniperMM]

Thank you, Harri!

[Imatter33]

 
Juniper,
So nice to hear back, and I've been pretty active with BPD family in the last few months, probably even longer than that if I go back and look at my first post.
I meant to say! Congratulations on the new baby. It is a lot of change, and work, and amazing moments rolled into one.  Boy or Girl? How old again? (if you feel comfortable to share that is)

Can I just say wow to your steps to send the letters? Good for you! And to hear you say you feel in control and free.  I am in the process of drafting a letter that I may not even be ready to send myself.

 I am going to leave this bit on here: Yesterday as we were decorating, a memory came up of my mother being angry about something and saying, "Well, merry F-ing Christmas!". I started to tell my husband about it but I decided that I didn't want to perpetuate that memory so I just said, "You know what? Never mind. I'm not going to say that out loud." So I will say it here, shed a tear, and leave it. 

AMAZING WORK. This will inspire me to do the same. What was the outcome? Did the decorating time end on a good note because you swallowed that memory down?

How are you doing with the no contact? how has it been beneficial for you and your family?

I am getting more and more peace about the fact that I am nc for the time being. But I have a lot of work to do on my triggers even with my mom presently not in my life. But thats what this time is for.

I'll end this reply with the last processing thought I had this morning just in case it resonates with you.

My mom didn't mess up a relationship with her granddaughter. In a lot of ways there is a clean slate there,  but I realized she "messed up" her relationship with me long before my daughter was born. Her birth was simply the catalyst to my nc. I had gotten to a breaking point. I may not be done feeling guilty about her and the baby being apart right now, but I see that my finding BPD family and getting counseling has been much bigger than "postpartum" issues.

Welcome again JuniperMM. 

[cle216]

Hi Juniper!

Welcome! My mother also has BPD and I'm feeling the complicated holiday feelings. I have two young children and I can relate to that need to want to protect your children and keep your own space happy and healthy. After all, we've worked hard to create that compared to what we may have learned growing up! Motherhood can bring about so many new perspectives which can also dig up pain from some of our own experiences.

The comment about your husband describing your mother as a burglar...that one stood out to me. It makes me pause and think of how he is probably feeling too. I deserve to have my own emotions and reactions but I need to think of him too.

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your decision to go NC. It seems that you're doing it in a way that you are in control. I hope you find peace. Boundary setting isn't always initially comfortable but you should be proud that you have found the strength to set your own boundaries that are best for you and your family.

Best wishes!