Confronting abusive mother

[Zabava]

My therapist asked me what I would need to hear from my bpd mum to help me heal.    If I could confront her what would I want to hear her say?

I am struggling with this.  My mum is 80 years old and starting to decline cognitively.  I don't think there's any point to confrontation at this point.

For those of you with elderly bpd parents, I would love to hear from you on this.  Does it help to confront?  I think it would just make me feel guilty.  At the same time I find it very hard to talk to my mum like I did before starting therapy and really facing the impact of the abuse on my life.  I am very angry about what happened to me but I feel like a horrible person for feeling angry when I talk to my mum and visit and see how old and frail she is.

It's weird, in therapy I am reliving the terrifying mother of my childhood and feeling the fear and humiliation of my younger self and it is so painful.  At the same time my mother is aging and fading rapidly. 

So I wonder what purpose confontation would serve.

Any insight would be appreciated.

[mgirl]

OMG, it's like I was reading my own post... I am going through exactly the same thing. I found out about BPD about 3, 4 months ago and realized that my mom had it all her life. I begun reading everything I could about BPD and went into therapy. I tried to confront my mom about possibly having BPD (she is about 75) and that went horribly bad. She turned the entire family against me, plus my brother refused to talk to me about it. I am in no contact with my mother and my brother ever since and I am in low contact with two of my ants. From my experience, I think it is best not to tell the BPD parent about BPD. Keep it to yourself, limit the contact if you can and do therapy and read as much as you can on it. I also read the DBT workshop book as well since myself I have from time to time angry outbursts that I suspect it comes from having a BPD mother who abused me very badly physically and mentally and who neglected me when I was young and gaslighted me badly in my life.  My understanding is that BPD parents have intermittent memory, meaning that they tend to forget the bad things they did to you and they will remember only the little good they did to you and will only bring this up over and over again to protect their image. This is what I am experiencing with my mother. There is no point in reminding them the bad they did to you because mentally they are not capable of remembering it. You need to do everything in your power to heal yourself and protect yourself from the abuse. So better to keep quiet and limit contact. That is my advice. This is what I am doing. Also, the rest of the family will always side with the abuser as they want to preserve the family unit no matter what even if it is dysfunctional. If you are the scapegoat like I have been all my life it is even worse. I have been talking to therapists and everything and even went to the DBT institute and took a workshop for family members of people with BPD. If anyone in your family believes you and sides with you than you are lucky. Sometimes, the people who seek the truth about a parent who has BPD, usually are the ones who suffer a lot of abuse and no one in the family can understand them. Everyone in the family has a different experience with the BPD parent. Some experience better relationships and a few really bad relationships. you will not be understood by the people who experience better relationships with the BPD person.  They do not care to seek the truth or any healing since they do not suffer like you do. be strong, surround yourself with people who care about you and want to support you and limit the contact with the ones who abuse you.

[mgirl]

also, I have been reading a lot of posts on this website to realize that most of the people who realize that their parent might have had BPD are in their 40s and their parents are older. I think that most people do not have the maturity to seek the truth about their life and to understand their childhood trauma until they reach 40s and usually that is when our parents are old. It is too late to confront them. Not much can be done at their age. I prefer not to take the abuse anymore and I have limited the contact with my uBPD mother. Some might still have some contact but you got to be strong in that case to distance yourself from the abuse and not allow it to hurt you.

[Turkish]

My therapist asked me what I would need to hear from my bpd mum to help me heal.    If I could confront her what would I want to hear her say?

I can't speak for your therapist, but I think what is meant is literal, what do you need to hear to help you heal, rather than suggesting you actually confront your mother. 

I once made an offhand comment about how I didn't like the peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches my mother fed me as a kid. My mom started tearing, upset, "I did the best I could!" Then when we got to my front door, she talked to my then not ex about how I was mean and didn't understand things while I was standing next to her like I "wasn't in the room, " so to speak. 

I talked her out of driving 2.5 hours home.  I really hated those sandwiches though, and those were very far down the list of things I shouldn't have had to endure. 

Many members here and on other boards write letters they'll never send, but in the writing is a step towards healing.

So what would you need to say to start? Picture your mom as you knew her as a Little Zabava, rather than as she is now.  Go back to the source.  What would you say now as an adult to advocate for yourself?  I'll take it as a given you'd likely be smacked or worse, as I would have, but this is 2019 Now You, speaking for your inner, hurt child.

[zachira]

Your are wondering about what purpose it would serve to confront your elderly mother with BPD who abused you as a child. First of all, it is normal to wish you could tell the person who abused you, in this case your mother, how you felt about it and wish you could get an apology. This is particularly true when we have a mother with BPD who has hurt us over and over again, and the abuse inflicted by our mother still continues to hurt even when we are adults and she is elderly. You are taking positive steps in healing from the abuse: in therapy and reaching out to this site where there are many members with an elderly mother with BPD who is/was abusive. You know that you will not likely get a healing response from your mother, yet it is understandable that now she is elderly you would like to feel at peace with her before she dies.

[GaGrl]

My mother never confronted her uBPD/BPD stepmother about the ways she had been treated. This was a woman who parented my mother from the time my mom was six years old.

I'm see little advantage coming from confronting an elderly BPD parent.

Forgiveness is for ourselves and for our own inner peace. I try to focus on that. Reconciliation is optional -- I see the inner dialogue leading to forgiveness to be the more critical action we take to move past the BPD hurt.

[TelHill]

My therapist asked me what I would need to hear from my bpd mum to help me heal.    If I could confront her what would I want to hear her say?

I am struggling with this.  My mum is 80 years old and starting to decline cognitively.  I don't think there's any point to confrontation at this point.

For those of you with elderly bpd parents, I would love to hear from you on this.  Does it help to confront?  

The therapist who first suggested she may have bpd over 25 years ago encouraged me to actually do this.  It would help me she thought.. It did not go over well. My mom called me a liar and let loose.  She threw a sofa pillow at me really hard. I wish I never did it. Such was the state of psychotherapy in 1995.

In addition to Turkish's great suggestion, you could to talk to an empty chair pretending she is sitting there.  

Sufferers of bpd dissociate and don't remember the harmful things they did/do to us. There is not much point to confronting in person. (Don't think your therapist meant it literally, either.)

 Here is a great thread on the subject. It may be of interest to you.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0

[Methuen]

Hi Zabava ,

I echo others in this thread, in suggesting that confronting an elderly mother would blow up in your face.  I'm confident you feel this in your gut, and that's probably why you posted it as a question.  If I did this with my mom, it would be a full on armageddon until death do us part.  I can't even imagine it.  I can see nothing good coming out of this, but only more hurt all around on a colossal scale that would never go away.  

I kind of agree with Turkish.  I can't imagine an actual therapist who knows BPD  suggesting you confront your mom.  Like Turkish, I'm also wondering if she meant it as a "mental catharic task", with some other purpose or end game, but NOT actually confronting your mom with it.  I'm hoping it's a misunderstanding in communication

I think that for all of us on this board, we are searching for ways to move forward.  We do this by educating ourselves about BPD, understanding the trauma of our SO that caused the BPD, learning new strategies for how to communicate with a BP person (which are SOO different than a non-BP), learning how to do more self-care, move forward with our own lives, and pursue our own joy (a nod to pusuingJoy there).  

I don't think it would be helpful for me to look back, dwell on the past, confront my mom.  I just don't think that would help.

My understanding is that BPD parents have intermittent memory, meaning that they tend to forget the bad things they did to you and they will remember only the little good they did to you and will only bring this up over and over again to protect their image.

This is a BINGO! for me.  My mom often does not remember her actions/words after the fact.  She denies it happened, or twists it to be my fault.  This is BPD...I have a theory that the BP is so REACTIVE EMOTIONALLY when they go into BP crazy mode, that their brain isn't functioning on all cylinders and the memory is   "blacked out" afterwards. Just my theory- it's probably bunk.

There is no point in reminding them the bad they did to you because mentally they are not capable of remembering it.

Agreed.

Sometimes, the people who seek the truth about a parent who has BPD, usually are the ones who suffer a lot of abuse and no one in the family can understand them.

Agreed.

Think about what could go wrong if you confronted her.  Holy.  That mental video play would be enough to dissuade me completely.

But everybody's situation is so different.  Follow your own gut.  You know yourself, your family, and your situation better than anybody here.  If you aren't comfortable with something your therapist is telling you, follow your own gut.  It's almost always right.  If on the other hand, you have reason to believe this is a good idea and would work for you and your mom, well follow your gut. 

This is a risk vs benefit problem.

I would be interested to know if this was really your therapist's intent, after your next visit.

 

[Harri]

Hi Zab!   I agree with others here who said your T was more likely speaking in hypotheticals rather than suggesting you confront your mom (though I could be wrong there).

Regardless, I do think it is a good exercise to do... to sit and think about what you want/need to hear.  It would be a great way to connect with Little Zab too.  You can provide the love, validation and care that little Zab needs and if you need to learn to do this, you can.   

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone,  you have given me alot to consider.  I am really resonating with the idea rhat BPD parents actually remember the past differently.  She feels that she has. forgiven me for running away at 9 and 12 and attempting suicide at 14.  She seems to have no memory of what lead to it.

Harri and Turkish,

I am pretty sure my T was not speaking metaphorically.  She is very kind and insightful, but sometimes I feel like she is not sure how to help me.  She said that maybe if I acknowledge my mums childhood trauma it would open the door to talking about mine,.

I don't know.  I talked to my mum today about Christmas and visiting.  She said she wants to see my kids and it seemed like she was hurt about my not visiting as often as before. 

I feel like a terrible person.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

Yes, it's the Board Parrot again!

She feels that she has. forgiven me for running away at 9 and 12 and attempting suicide at 14.  She seems to have no memory of what lead to it.

Whether she has a memory of it or not, if she believes she needs to 'forgive' you for attempting suicide at 14 instead of showing you and the child you were compassion, that by itself shows a lot of twisted thinking from her side.

She said that maybe if I acknowledge my mums childhood trauma it would open the door to talking about mine,.

Do you generally feel like your mother is a safe person to talk to? Based on your past experiences, have you seen any signs indicating that she might have the capacity to engage in meaningful conversations with you about your childhood or any other matters?

I don't know.  I talked to my mum today about Christmas and visiting.  She said she wants to see my kids and it seemed like she was hurt about my not visiting as often as before.

I feel like a terrible person.

To me this sounds like your mother might (again) be applying FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to get you to do what she wants.

Do you feel like a terrible person for feeling the way you do about your mother now that your eyes have been opened to her dysfunction and abusive behavior? Considering the way your mother treated you, I think it is normal and absolutely valid that you are now reassessing your childhood and the relationship you have with your mother. Your own health and well-being are of the utmost importance. It is a sad history and difficult reality to accept, but your mother has not provided you the support and safety that you needed as a child. It is therefor very important that you now try to create a safe and supportive environment for yourself in your adult life. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with abusive people, including your mother, is an integral part of that.

[TelHill]

Thanks everyone,  you have given me alot to consider.  I am really resonating with the idea rhat BPD parents actually remember the past differently.  She feels that she has. forgiven me for running away at 9 and 12 and attempting suicide at 14.  She seems to have no memory of what lead to it.

I am sorry this  happened to you. I went off with the one neighbor friend I was allowed to have when I was five (her idea; not mine) to the nearest park. We didn't tell her parents. They told my parents we were missing and went looking for us. My mom accused me of running away, and I was punished.  She seems to think of this as a betrayal of her. She brings it up after all these years when she rages.  That is how disorganized my bpd mom's thoughts are. I feel bad for her for stressing out about something that really didn't occur.

I am pretty sure my T was not speaking metaphorically.  She is very kind and insightful, but sometimes I feel like she is not sure how to help me.  She said that maybe if I acknowledge my mums childhood trauma it would open the door to talking about mine,.

If you like the T, as a suggestion would it help to tell her this idea is well-intentioned but not practical? She may be open to reading some of the BPD parent books mentioned on this site. I know better  for myself what to do when this occurs. I have had some issues with Ts & BPD.

This sounds like show-off time, so sorry about. I saw two therapists at separate times who had PhDs in Clinical Psychology from one of these schools: Harvard, John Hopkins or Stanford. I know which ones they went to, but I believe you get the idea.  They were sympathetic but didn't quite get it either. (One of these T's thought I was lying as I told her more about mom's bpd behavior.)  One would think reaching that level of achievement would give them training with discovering the nuances of each client's issue.  Perhaps the time they received their training, BPD was considered a rare disorder?

As an aside, McLean Hospital, the teaching hospital for psychiatric residents of Harvard Medical School, has a BPD family education site. Some of the online recorded webinars are useful. https://www.mcleanhospital.org/borderline-personality-disorder-patient-and-family-education-initiative  

[Zabava]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.  I agree that confronting my mum would not help me heal and would make things worse.  I don't like being in conflict with my family of origin, it triggers fear and anxiety,  but I also  know that being too connected is bad for me. 

However bad it was, at least I felt like I belonged.  Is that messed up?  I am feeling a bit unmoored at the moment and missing home, even though home was often