Unsure if I should tell my mother she has BPD

[Butterflyqt824]

Hi there,

It is abundantly clear to me that my mother has BPD. We had a very emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive environment growing up. My mother pitted us against our father when they divorced when we were young (I was 11), and did everything in her power to turn us against him. Then she did the same thing with our stepfather after they divorced after a 5 year marriage.

My question now, is does it serve a purpose to let her know that we think she has BPD? Would it even help anything? One of my brothers wants to tell her and let her get help. I am just not sure it will benefit anyone; she will likely deny it and then become suicidal or make some other type of threat as she has in the past when criticized even mildly. To her, this would be a total affront to her character. She actually believes she was the perfect mother and that we had a perfect childhood (she has said those words to us!) It's almost comical.

Has anyone else told their parent about BPD and that they suspect they have it? My mom has been to therapy before but just manipulated the therapist with her victim narrative.

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

[pursuingJoy]

Hello and welcome to the board!  

I'm fairly new to BPD, having been introduced to it just 5 months ago, but I believe the general consensus is that it's far more productive to focus on personal healing than sharing a potential diagnosis. Understandably, most people are resistant to the idea that they have a PD. From what you shared about your mom, I feel fairly confident that she is not interested in knowing.

In case it helps, I'll share a little of my story. My H is enmeshed with his BPD mother. We started marriage counseling about 5 months ago, and in my first session alone with the T, she mentioned that she suspects his mom has BPD. She refuses to share that information with my H, because he isn't ready to hear it. I, on the other hand, wish we could talk about it because it lends a more serious note to our conversations than, "You just don't like her." The T insists that it is not time to bring it up, and I'm working hard to trust her expertise.

On the flip side, this has left me with knowledge that I brought here, where I'm encouraged to learn, grow, gain perspective, and work new emotional muscles. I better understand what I'm dealing with.

Are you still close with your family? It sounds like you and your siblings are on the same page and talk. How often do you all see your mom?

Look forward to hearing more of your story!

pj

[zachira]

You are unsure of whether you should tell your mother she has BPD. Those of us who are dealing with someone with BPD, often wish we could tell them how their behaviors affect us and others, and often hope that having them know what their diagnosis is, will make them seek treatment and they will get better. With personality disorders such as BPD, the person affected has a life long history of consistent disordered behaviors and is unwilling to accept any kind of feedback on how their disordered behaviors affect others, and have no interest in getting treatment. I am thinking that because this is your mother who has BPD, that you would very much like to improve your relationship with her. After all, we only have one mother, and our mothers are supposed to be the people that love us unconditionally.

[Turkish]

I am just not sure it will benefit anyone; she will likely deny it and then become suicidal or make some other type of threat as she has in the past when criticized even mildly. To her, this would be a total affront to her character

It sounds like you know the answer, that it might make things worse and not change much.  Your bother seems eager to tell her. 

As my therapist said, "personalities usually don't change." He was speaking about my 30-somethimg uBPDx, but I realized the truth behind his comment later when I thought about my mother.

My mother went through 7 therapists from when I was age 17 until I was in my late 20s, until she "found one she could trust," in her words.

In my early 40s, she confided in me that she had been in therapy for PTSD when I was a child. Then she told me that her last therapist gave her a subtle, unofficial Dx as having BPD. The T was talking about her dad, but my mom was sharp and picked it up.

It didn't change anything, other than validating my arm chair diagnosis.

As my T said about my ex, and I applied it to my mother, "she's an independent entity, free to make her own choices, no matter what you think of them." Those were tough words, but they helped me step back from feeling the need that I needed to fix things. 

I worked on my communication skills with the tools here, like:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Hard with a romantic partner, and I'm not sure if it's harder or not with a stubborn parent. Tell us what you think?

BPD is a shame-based disorder. To quote a recovered person with BPD, "my feelings don't matter [feeling invalidated]; therefore, I don't matter and am unworthy of love."

The shame is often covered up by narcissistic behaviors like "I was a great parent," or blame shifting, "you're not appreciative! You're the mentally ill one who needs help!"

For the most part, we are left dealing with this ourselves, in healing, and learning how to communicate better with a person with BPD. 

[Methuen]

Hi Butterflyqt824

I was a newbie on this board about 4 months ago, feeling like you, and asking the same question.

I would NOT recommend discussing BPD with her.  If you think things are bad now, imagine them at least 100 X worse.

I would recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells first.  It is an easy read in that it is "set up" to be easily understood.  It has lots of bullet lists and examples, and is easy to follow.  If your mom is BP, you will have a lot of "aha's!", and feel validated.  Another good book I am still reading is Loving Someone with BPD - by Shari Manning.  It's taking me longer to read, because I have to put it down and think on it for a while, before I pick it up and resume reading.

If after reading these or other books you still think it could be a good idea to talk to your mom about BPD, well that would be your choice.  But before taking an action like that which has a high risk and very low likelihood of reward, and can't be undone, I would take the time to arm yourself with good information from recommended books, and maybe talking to a therapist with a lot of experience with BPD.

So, 4 months ago I was where you are now.  But for me today, (4 months later) I would suggest this could have negative and possibly devasting results which would be hard for you to imagine at this point.

Educate yourself first, and then make an informed decision.

the person affected has a life long history of consistent disordered behaviors and is unwilling to accept any kind of feedback on how their disordered behaviors affect others, and have no interest in getting treatment. I am thinking that because this is your mother who has BPD, that you would very much like to improve your relationship with her.

I agree with Zachira, and feel this is the better way to go.