Relationship with BPD. What did you learn about yourself? What did you do?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm four months out of a relationship with my BPD.  It was difficult road to recovery, and while things are much better now than they were, I'm still working on it.  I spent the time since then self-reflecting, doing research, talking to friends and family, and to a therapist.  In the process I found out a fair amount myself, and have implemented an action plan for growth.

I found that I was raised by emotionally immature parents, and just how much my childhood environment and relationships affect me as an adult.  I found out that I most likely have an anxious insecure attachment from my childhood.  As long as I was interested in having an intimate relationship, I've always "needed" one.  I've stayed in them much longer than I should have and have put up with behavior that I shouldn't have (sound familiar?).  I don't set up proper boundaries with my relationships, and I'm not assertive with my needs.  I had problems with communication and have had resentment build up.  In general, I ignored my feelings and tended not to resolve them. I have lingering insecurity issues. I've found that I haven't been making healthy connections with others (socially), and haven't confided in many people with an intimate manner.  I was very independent and isolated from anyone else, aside from my significant others.

Nowadays I'm more mindful about my feelings.  When I feel something significant (anger, sadness, etc.) I try to stop, ask why, and try tend to the cause.  I don't feel the need to be in a relationship as much as I did, but I feel that there might me lingering urges to be in one.  I try to use positive affirmations in times of emotional distress and throughout the day.  I try to practice mindfulness (meditation) as much as possible.  I try to be my own motivational coach.  I try congratulate my self self on successes, and encourage myself before something difficult or otherwise anxiety provoking.  I've discovered various ways in which I wasn't being responsible for myself, and remind myself that I need to do that.  I've been trying to Journal. I've been trying to go out of my way to develop social connections.  I've developed the attitude that a romantic relationship is not needed for me to be happy or to feel fulfilled, and rather its a 'nice' thing to have to compliment my life.  I even found myself with certain thoughts that remind me of BPD through processes, like viewing people in black or white at times (scary).

It's funny, I feel so much better now than I did before, even before my BPD relationship.  I feel less anxious and more comfortable around other people. I feel that going through this grieving process I may have resolved some lingering issues from my youth.  Its ironic that being in this traumatizing relationship resulted in self-enlightment and growth. I feel 'healthier' in a way.

What have you learn about yourself?  What are you doing about it?

[lucidone]

I'm four months out of a relationship with my BPD.  It was difficult road to recovery, and while things are much better now than they were, I'm still working on it.  I spent the time since then self-reflecting, doing research, talking to friends and family, and to a therapist.  In the process I found out a fair amount myself, and have implemented an action plan for growth.

I found that I was raised by emotionally immature parents, and just how much my childhood environment and relationships affect me as an adult.  I found out that I most likely have an anxious insecure attachment from my childhood.  As long as I was interested in having an intimate relationship, I've always "needed" one.  I've stayed in them much longer than I should have and have put up with behavior that I shouldn't have (sound familiar?).  I don't set up proper boundaries with my relationships, and I'm not assertive with my needs.  I had problems with communication and have had resentment build up.  In general, I ignored my feelings and tended not to resolve them. I have lingering insecurity issues. I've found that I haven't been making healthy connections with others (socially), and haven't confided in many people with an intimate manner.  I was very independent and isolated from anyone else, aside from my significant others.

Nowadays I'm more mindful about my feelings.  When I feel something significant (anger, sadness, etc.) I try to stop, ask why, and try tend to the cause.  I don't feel the need to be in a relationship as much as I did, but I feel that there might me lingering urges to be in one.  I try to use positive affirmations in times of emotional distress and throughout the day.  I try to practice mindfulness (meditation) as much as possible.  I try to be my own motivational coach.  I try congratulate my self self on successes, and encourage myself before something difficult or otherwise anxiety provoking.  I've discovered various ways in which I wasn't being responsible for myself, and remind myself that I need to do that.  I've been trying to Journal. I've been trying to go out of my way to develop social connections.  I've developed the attitude that a romantic relationship is not needed for me to be happy or to feel fulfilled, and rather its a 'nice' thing to have to compliment my life.  I even found myself with certain thoughts that remind me of BPD through processes, like viewing people in black or white at times (scary).

It's funny, I feel so much better now than I did before, even before my BPD relationship.  I feel less anxious and more comfortable around other people. I feel that going through this grieving process I may have resolved some lingering issues from my youth.  Its ironic that being in this traumatizing relationship resulted in self-enlightment and growth. I feel 'healthier' in a way.

What have you learn about yourself?  What are you doing about it?

[pest947]

That is awesome news. Like you I have found similar things in myself. I didn't realize I had Childhood Emotional Neglect in my past and its influence on my life. Its caused me to think less of myself, feel like I don't belong in new situations and much of the reason I tolerated such behavior in my ExBPD relationship and to a lesser extent behavior in other pasts.

I'm overly trusting. I was blocking out "negative" emotions. I still do to some extent but am getting better at realizing my feelings and trying to sit with them. I want to learn how to be more comfortable alone and I need to rebuild my social life. The list goes on.

[Pytagoras]

Congratulations lucidone,

Good reflections and good work you've made there.

I'm just 2 month out of the r/s. 1 month NC. I'm still too much in the FOG to come to great conclusions. But my process started before my latest BPD r/s. I had another BPD r/s before and I started my inner work at that time. But this last r/s was, by far, the hardest, more toxic, and with, by far, the craziest partner and it's bringing me to face even more with my issues.

Nevertheless, i found that i had an anxious insecure attachment, just like you. An intrusive and overtly critical mother, an emotional absent father. I had to beg for their atention. I never had compliments, just critics. I felt i had to try very hard in order to deserve their love (just as i tried so hard for my ex to love me and apreciate me). I have rescuer/savior complex, and my ex was a perfect waif / victim, a sweet angel that i would like to hold in my arms and protect from the outside cruel world. I was so eager for compliments, so i was vulnerable to the idealization / love bombing stage, were i was the greater man (just to be lowered to the worst man ever in the end). I noticed but just couldn't beleive the obvious lies, manipulation, cheating, all along the r/s (because it was easier for me to believe. Too hard to see the reality). I feel a lot of guilt and shame. Incredible irrational guilt and shame, and that attached me to this noxious r/s. I had boundaries before, but not very secure boundaries, so they were knocked down gradually in this r/s.

I have lot's of inner work ahead of me. And i don't think i will have a significant r/s in my near future.

[zachira]

I learned I tend to seek approval from people that behave like my family members and the only recourse I have is to continue to work on improving my self esteem so I attract better people into my life and it is working. More and more I attract better people into my life and the dsyfunctional people want me less and less.

[Cromwell]

the only recourse I have is to continue to work on improving my self esteem so I attract better people into my life and it is working. More and more I attract better people into my life and the dysfunctional people want me less and less.

I have to agree with zachira, also to add that ive learned the aspects of my own character that has found some dysfunctional traits endearing and attractive. The experiencing of it and facing the negatives has changed this too. The dysfunctional people wanting me less and less is bi-directional, I have no interest and that 'spark' of wanting that form of drama and conflict is gone.

Learned to be more assertive and selective and more in tune with listening to 'bad vibes'. Dealing with these scenarios with tactfulness is something ive learned to become better at, but still working on.

[gizmocasci]

Good job by everyone out there!

I think I learned a few things, one being that the work I had been doing on my myself the previous years, had had a positive effect. The fact I was able to walk away from this, when in the past I would've just settled and thought to myself "this is a realtionship", was really uplifting.

That being said, there are also some other take aways. I learned how to trust my intuition more, as I knew something was off early on. I realized just how much my ex and my mother were alike, although my ex was like my mom on steroids. Point being, I still had some work to do in regards to healing my relationship with my mother. I learned to stick up for myself more. I learned what I don't want in a future relationship. I learned that people like my ex, actually do exist (and I say that with love and compassion for her.) I learned just how much being criticized hurts me. That I need someone that feels safe, secure and nurturing. I learned that I've been in nothing but dysfunctional relationships my entire life.

This work is hard stuff. Cheers to everyone putting in the time and effort.

R

[Rev]

What have you learn about yourself?  What are you doing about it?

Great question.  I discovered that I was too afraid to ask for people to meet me even half way. In my professional life, I set all kinds of boundaries. But in my personal life, I just couldn't. I never demanded anything of anyone. I just gave, not out of the goodness of my heart, not even out of fear, but because I had been groomed like that.

And so the fear I experienced was the fear of the unknown - being someone who asked for even basic things in a relationship was so foreign to me that I was afraid.

What am I doing about it?  I sought coaching - I've done so much therapy that it was getting repetitive. The coaching is really helping. 

Rev

[Teddy007]

"I'm just 2 month out of the r/s. 1 month NC. I'm still too much in the FOG to come to great conclusions. But my process started before my latest BPD r/s. I had another BPD r/s before and I started my inner work at that time. But this last r/s was, by far, the hardest, more toxic, and with, by far, the craziest partner and it's bringing me to face even more with my issues.

Nevertheless, i found that i had an anxious insecure attachment, just like you. An intrusive and overtly critical mother, an emotional absent father. I had to beg for their atention. I never had compliments, just critics. I felt i had to try very hard in order to deserve their love (just as i tried so hard for my ex to love me and apreciate me). I have rescuer/savior complex, and my ex was a perfect waif / victim, a sweet angel that i would like to hold in my arms and protect from the outside cruel world. I was so eager for compliments, so i was vulnerable to the idealization / love bombing stage, were i was the greater man (just to be lowered to the worst man ever in the end). I noticed but just couldn't beleive the obvious lies, manipulation, cheating, all along the r/s (because it was easier for me to believe. Too hard to see the reality). I feel a lot of guilt and shame. Incredible irrational guilt and shame, and that attached me to this noxious r/s. I had boundaries before, but not very secure boundaries, so they were knocked down gradually in this r/s.

I have lot's of inner work ahead of me. And i don't think i will have a significant r/s in my near future."

Pytagoras this is like reading my own life! So sick!