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Parents! Get help here!
Saying "I need help" is a huge first step. Here is what to do next.
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Author Topic: Gain empowerment and control  (Read 189 times)
hates the farm
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: mother
Posts: 2


« on: December 07, 2019, 02:44:16 PM »

just joined, have a 24 year old daughter that was recently diagnosed and seems to have every characteristic of BPD.  Seems like with all the drs. and therapists she has gone to,we could and should have known this a long time ago.  I joined so I can ask questions when we have conversations and they go off the rails, which is almost always.  I have read and listened to lots and lots of stuff, but when I'm talking to her I never handle it well.  My brain seems to freeze, I think there is a good response that I learned but I always blow it.  More specific examples in next post.  Thanks for all the help in advance!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Shaky
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2019, 03:23:03 PM »

Hello Hates the farm
Hi! This is a great place to get the help and support that you need. We are glad you found us. What happens exactly when your daughter goes of the rails? We can.certainly brainstorm responses.
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Faith
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: Loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
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« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2019, 11:31:21 AM »

Hello!   Along with Faith, I too would like to say WELCOME!
I can certainly relate to what you are saying.
This resonated with me:
Excerpt
Seems like with all the drs. and therapists she has gone to,we could and should have known this a long time ago.
I have felt the same frustration, and from what I have read this is very common among parents of adult children with BPD.  The good news is that you are here and prepared to learn.  It took me until my son was 30 before I figured this out.  There is so much to learn here.
You also said
Excerpt
I have read and listened to lots and lots of stuff, but when I'm talking to her I never handle it well.  My brain seems to freeze, I think there is a good response that I learned but I always blow it.
.
I have experienced the same.  I find it much easier when we text because I can think carefully about my response, but in a verbal conversation it's much harder.  It's hard because it's counter-intuitive.  I practice on my husband sometimes, and it's so much easier with him.  I was at a mental health conference where we had group practices and we all realized how difficult it can be.  Having said that they gave us some hard ones.
You mentioned bringing up some examples.  That's a great idea, I'd love to participate also.
 With affection (click to insert in post)
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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
hates the farm
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: mother
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2019, 07:12:39 AM »

I had that realization last night, texting is so much safer and successful.  Two nights ago I had a terrible conversation with her and then last night we texted. She was still in a state of despair that she won't get better (and I won't interact with her better).  But when we texted I had time to think of some of the lessons I learned and answered so much calmer and basically just validated her feelings.  Then low and behold late last night she actually told me she appreciated the way I spoke to her and "It shows you have learned something about validation and I appreciate it".  I went to sleep a little happier than I've been in weeks.
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