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[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello all,

Not sure what I am looking for here. Maybe just need to vent.

Funny how things seem to come in waves. By now people know that my ex and I work in the same circles and she has made a point of making some very bad personal and public decisions for herself.

Two things about this:  I feel shame (not rational - I know) in my gut whenever someone has to tell me "You'll never guess what she did now" type of thing. What is it about people that can't stop rubber necking?  And I feel anger (reaction to the shame) because I would like to "fight back". Not that there is anything to fight back about per se, but there are some days I feel like a sitting duck.

Shame of course is linked to my trauma bond. The notion of a trauma bond applies in my case - my ex has NPD traits and is predatory.

I guess I just needed to vent and this post is a reminder of limiting who I spend my personal time with now.  I just hate that I'm "in the tabloids" now.  I am sure that it will pass in a few days.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs would be appreciated. My heart is a little tender.

Rev

[Rev]

Hello all,

Not sure what I am looking for here. Maybe just need to vent.

Funny how things seem to come in waves. By now people know that my ex and I work in the same circles and she has made a point of making some very bad personal and public decisions for herself.

Two things about this:  I feel shame (not rational - I know) in my gut whenever someone has to tell me "You'll never guess what she did now" type of thing. What is it about people that can't stop rubber necking?  And I feel anger (reaction to the shame) because I would like to "fight back". Not that there is anything to fight back about per se, but there are some days I feel like a sitting duck.

Shame of course is linked to my trauma bond. The notion of a trauma bond applies in my case - my ex has NPD traits and is predatory.

I guess I just needed to vent and this post is a reminder of limiting who I spend my personal time with now.  I just hate that I'm "in the tabloids" now.  I am sure that it will pass in a few days.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs would be appreciated. My heart is a little tender.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rev, To me, it suggests codependence if you are feeling shame for something that she did rather than something you did.  Why do you think you are shouldering the shame, so-to-speak?  I hear that you also feel angry.  Underneath anger is usually hurt.  Are you still in a lot of pain in the aftermath?  That could explain the anger.

LJ

[Rev]

 Are you still in a lot of pain in the aftermath?  That could explain the anger.

LJ

Yes and without a whole lot of places to express it without it being unhealthy. Patience is certainly a virtue... Thank you for responding - just existing helps.

I'm mad at her for hurting me the way she did

I'm mad at myself for staying and letting her hurt me.  Twice I left and twice I went back.

I'm mad that I did figure things out and maybe could (or could not but had closure) have improved the situation.

And I'm a little frustrated at still needing to respond to people that there are certain ways to behave and others that are not cool.



Rev

[once removed]

so whatd she do?

this isnt just limited to my ex - whenever i hear things about someone id rather not hear about, it drives me crazy.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm mad at her for hurting me the way she did

I'm mad at myself for staying and letting her hurt me.  Twice I left and twice I went back.

I'm mad that I did figure things out and maybe could (or could not but had closure) have improved the situation.

I hear you Rev and experienced similar emotions myself.  I suggest you give yourself a break.  Time to forgive yourself.  Hey, we're all human!  I stayed far longer than was healthy for me.  Yet going through the BPD crucible fosters new growth, when you get out from under its shadow.

LJ

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Rev, 

Sorry that you're experiencing some extra reminders lately. Just when you think you're over it, right?

Shame is such a soul debilitating emotion. It hurts way down deep, leaves our spirits bowed under the weight, and I've found it can be hard to climb out from under. Do you feel shame because of what others say or because of what you say to yourself as a result of their words? I hope that makes sense.

I had a good session with my T this week, and we just happened to talk about shame. Isaiah 61:7 (if I remember right) talks about our shame being replaced with three things: joy, rejoicing, and a double portion of blessing. He asked me if I knew how to walk not in shame, but rather in those things, and I was pretty clueless. He said that when you've walked in shame and dishonor for all your life (BPD family of origin then a dysfuntional marriage), it's now a matter of recognizing that I no longer walk there. It's a changing of my mental focus, to walk in freedom from that shame that they want to put on me.

 
Wools

[Rev]

Hi Rev, 

Sorry that you're experiencing some extra reminders lately. Just when you think you're over it, right?

Shame is such a soul debilitating emotion. It hurts way down deep, leaves our spirits bowed under the weight, and I've found it can be hard to climb out from under. Do you feel shame because of what others say or because of what you say to yourself as a result of their words? I hope that makes sense.

I had a good session with my T this week, and we just happened to talk about shame. Isaiah 61:7 (if I remember right) talks about our shame being replaced with three things: joy, rejoicing, and a double portion of blessing. He asked me if I knew how to walk not in shame, but rather in those things, and I was pretty clueless. He said that when you've walked in shame and dishonor for all your life (BPD family of origin then a dysfuntional marriage), it's now a matter of recognizing that I no longer walk there. It's a changing of my mental focus, to walk in freedom from that shame that they want to put on me.

 
Wools

Thanks Wools!

Totally my own words of shame directed at myself.  I work daily on my daily focus. And reaching out here is a way to do that. This community is so positive minded that one just knows that loving help and truth is found.

The most encouraging thing and that now I can see it for what it is, have better coping strategies and am living a bigger life.  I have just submitted the essential master's thesis this past week and it has been accepted to be submitted.

I think it applies here too (my topic is male victims of domestic abuse and violence). This issue boils down to proper assessment and de-stigmatizing victimhood so that men can get help too. I think that relationships with people who are disordered are in the same place.

We, that is the helping professions, spend so much time focussing on symptoms (which don't get me wrong, is important) that we forget that there are two sets of trauma in an abusive relationship with someone who is disordered. One is from the abuse (if it is there) and two is the confusion from the relationship. Indeed fear is the main reason people do not report (any victim) is left afraid. Sometimes fear is from a direct threat, but sometimes fear comes from the confusion, and in the confusion comes the negative self talk.

Have a great day !  Always a pleasure to hear from you.  AND ……  It is always a great source of encouragement to hear you growing into a newer sense of yourself.

I'm curious about something.  What are the moments of delight for you - the ones that are purely yours and not comparative between your life now and your life then?

Rev

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Rev, 

I've been contemplating your question and how to answer it.

What are the moments of delight for you - the ones that are purely yours and not comparative between your life now and your life then?

That's a tough one. If I stand in the middle, between my life now and looking back on my life before, it's been such an uphill journey. From the dysfunction of my childhood to understanding my marriage, I've had a hard time really comprehending joy and what it is. Through my time in T however, I've been able to learn what joy is, and there are moments when I have been able to allow myself to experience it, staying in the moments of joy for as long as I can. So I'm really not answering your question yet, but I'm getting there.

I've learned that it's okay to stay in the moment and joy in the colors of a sunset. I like to say that God colored outside of the lines when I see a crazy canvas of sky colors in the late evening. That brings me joy. Probably the greatest source of joy now is in my two grandkids. That's a glorious gift that touches my heart deeply, because I experience love like I never have before. It's pure love and laughter and joy. Such delight in being with them.  Like the emoji, they're fun!

There are a few other things that have brought me joy, but DH got after me for putting them before him. That took away my joy, and I've had to allow some grief and then slowly try to get back into those things. Still working on gaining those back.

For today, I would say hot chocolate or a latte with whipped cream. That brings joy.  You should see a llama try to drink those! 

Wools

[Rev]

Hi Rev, 

I've been contemplating your question and how to answer it.

That's a tough one. If I stand in the middle, between my life now and looking back on my life before, it's been such an uphill journey. From the dysfunction of my childhood to understanding my marriage, I've had a hard time really comprehending joy and what it is. Through my time in T however, I've been able to learn what joy is, and there are moments when I have been able to allow myself to experience it, staying in the moments of joy for as long as I can. So I'm really not answering your question yet, but I'm getting there.

I've learned that it's okay to stay in the moment and joy in the colors of a sunset. I like to say that God colored outside of the lines when I see a crazy canvas of sky colors in the late evening. That brings me joy. Probably the greatest source of joy now is in my two grandkids. That's a glorious gift that touches my heart deeply, because I experience love like I never have before. It's pure love and laughter and joy. Such delight in being with them.  Like the emoji, they're fun!

There are a few other things that have brought me joy, but DH got after me for putting them before him. That took away my joy, and I've had to allow some grief and then slowly try to get back into those things. Still working on gaining those back.

For today, I would say hot chocolate or a latte with whipped cream. That brings joy.  You should see a llama try to drink those! 

Wools

We have a hymn in our church called "My Love Colours Outside the Lines"!  What a beautiful image.  I too have found the in between moments to be with something I like very healing.  It's really the moments of being seen by god, being that sparrow that lifted me out - life is very different now because I am more my essential six year old, wide eyed kid who wondered why people weren't nicer to each other. I guess you could say that I was taught that everything needed to be earned. Both my parents grew up in extreme poverty and theirs was a bizarre marriage - not bad per se - not even loveless - just very controlled and driven. Both of them died very tired in spite of the fact that they never lacked for anything in their marriage. I grew up decidedly middle class.

So really happy to hear about your grandchildren. May they bring you tremendous joy as you teach them deeply. Grandparents are a gift to children that is increasingly rare in our world that moves so, so fast.  I pray Wools that yours breathe in through their souls the wisdom and the gentleness that you have to offer. May the compassion of Ruth and Naomi - including their courage and hope - speak through your love for them.

The world is meant for mending.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

I've still been paying attention and in the shadows Rev...so at this point I don't think I need to say much...you can pretty much imagine it and have it play out. I am pretty damn consistent. I just dropped by to say hey and let you know I am still behind you and supporting you good sir. You are human and weak moments happen. Nothing wrong with that, but just stem the tide and keep moving forward my friend.

Cheers to you!

-SC-

[Rev]

I've still been paying attention and in the shadows Rev...so at this point I don't think I need to say much...you can pretty much imagine it and have it play out. I am pretty damn consistent. I just dropped by to say hey and let you know I am still behind you and supporting you good sir. You are human and weak moments happen. Nothing wrong with that, but just stem the tide and keep moving forward my friend.

Cheers to you!

-SC-

SC!  So good to hear from you?

How are you my friend?

[SinisterComplex]

I am phenomenal to be honest. Just quite busy is all and no not a cop out as it usually is for most. Just truth. Essentially I have just been doing ME and kicking $$ and taking names. Managing people, business, and serving as a crisis counselor of sorts for friends and family. Right now everyone in the world knows Dumbo the elephant is in the room at all times currently so I am doing my part to help keep people uplifted and teaching them how to control stress (through strategies and supplementation) and keep their mental health in check.

In all seriousness...wish you the best health and good fortune amigo. Stay safe out there.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-