How to set boundaries with a BDP parent without support of immediate family

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in my 30s and a daughter of an undiagnosed BDP mother. Our relationship has a negative impact on my mental health and overall well-being and continues to be a significant source of distress. Thus, I began to set boundaries and came to terms with her diagnosis (which she will not seek treatment for partly because she was raised to be uncomfortable with mental health issues/partly because of the nature of BPD itself).

However, I am the only one in my immediate family setting real boundaries which has led to its own set of problems. I feel that I am missing out on precious moments, events and time spent with them when I am forced to skip things to avoid my mother as she doesn't respond to the boundaries I have set and is extremely emotionally abusive and unstable. I also feel pressure from other family members to placate her in an effort to achieve peace so we can all spend time together and it's hard being the only/first one to break the pattern.

Any advice on how I can participate in things with the rest of my family without sustaining abusive interactions or alienating myself? Or deal with the feeling of guilt that I am breaking our family apart?

[DaughterofBDP]

I am in my 30s and a daughter of an undiagnosed BDP mother. Our relationship has a negative impact on my mental health and overall well-being and continues to be a significant source of distress. Thus, I began to set boundaries and came to terms with her diagnosis (which she will not seek treatment for partly because she was raised to be uncomfortable with mental health issues/partly because of the nature of BPD itself).

However, I am the only one in my immediate family setting real boundaries which has led to its own set of problems. I feel that I am missing out on precious moments, events and time spent with them when I am forced to skip things to avoid my mother as she doesn't respond to the boundaries I have set and is extremely emotionally abusive and unstable. I also feel pressure from other family members to placate her in an effort to achieve peace so we can all spend time together and it's hard being the only/first one to break the pattern.

Any advice on how I can participate in things with the rest of my family without sustaining abusive interactions or alienating myself? Or deal with the feeling of guilt that I am breaking our family apart?

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you hearing how your immediate family does not support you in setting boundaries with your mother and instead tries to get you to placate your mother to keep the peace. You have been avoiding family events because of this. You are wondering how you can participate in family things with the rest of the family without sustaining abusive interactions or alienating yourself. I have a mother and siblings with BPD along with several distant relatives. Most of the family is uncomfortable with my setting boundaries with some of the abusive behaviors of family members and those that enable all the abuse. I now realize that wanting to change the family dynamics is a terrible threat to those that enable it. If you want to continue to have relationships with family members and limit your contact with your mother, I suggest that you refuse to discuss your relationship with your mother with any of them. Some family members will likely bring your mother up and totally disrespect your decisions regarding your relationship with her. When this happens, it is important to reinforce that you do not want to talk about your mother. In my experience, it never has helped to say any thing negative about my mother to family members. We are here to listen and support you. Many members on this site have been in similar situations to yours with a mother with BPD, diagnosed and undiagonsed. Do read other members posts and let us know how we can be the most helpful. We also have a lot of good education materials on this site on how to deal with family members with BPD.

[Imatter33]

If you want to continue to have relationships with family members and limit your contact with your mother, I suggest that you refuse to discuss your relationship with your mother with any of them.

This was the first boundary I set. And I realized I did not have any practice setting them but its a good place to start!


I am here to reiterate the above advice because it is the exact thing I just did with my siblings. I have gone almost 10 months nc and I to am shaking up how things "have always been with my family and BPD mom.

I have a brother that tends to exhibit more BPD behavior then my other two, but I did state my position in a matter of fact and respectful way to him when he pushed on the issue again.  I only was able to do it by turning to this resource and talking things out with others that have been there.

This is what I said,
End the conversation, say no, say "I know this is difficult and I am sorry it upsets you.  I have made my decision and it is not open for discussion" 

The advice from my good friend here Harri explained- He gets to be him with his needs, opinions and emotions and you get to have your own.  It takes practice and a lot of work with mindfulness to get to this point but it can be done.

how do you feel about something like this?

We are all in the same boat and here to support you. 

[trueheart89]

DaughterofBDP I can totally relate with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also in my 30s and my fiance and I are going through this same situation with his mom. We are the only ones who (openly)recognize his mom's behavior. His family is very passive and he grew up in a household where they did not discuss their feelings or challenge each other's opinions or behaviors. HWe are starting to set boundaries with her and it is causing a lot of friction with his sister and even Dad. (Chris's parents are divorced.)

This is one of our major concerns... is we set boundaries with his mom and she continues to act out in the way she is what will that do to our relationships with his other family members. This is in someways the most distressing part for my fiance. I can also really relate with your feeling of guilt because this is something I am struggling with as my future MIL blames me for the recent tensions in the relationships with my fiance and his family... I know I have nothing to feel guilty about and it is not my fault... But it is a very human response. You are not alone. I think it is just going to take practice in changing our thinking patterns to alleviate that.

I really like the advise that Imatter33 shared. Our relationships with our BPD family members are just that, our relationships. We do not need to discuss them with our other family members. Of course, we all know it doesn't always shake out that black and white in our day to day lives and it will take time, but at the end of the day our mental health and our our happiness has to come first...

I am also new to this group, DaughterofBDP and I will say so far just having a place to vent and read other's experiences has helped tremendously. I also am seeing a therapist both individually and with my fiance while we navigate these waters as it can be very alienating. Is this an option for you? I also wonder is there someone outside of your immediate family or you can confide in? Like a cousin or aunt/uncle? I know for us we are trying to not involve any other family but I keep thinking I wish we had just 1 other family member that knew all parties that could weigh in... Not sure if that is the best move or not...