Unexpected drop in from ubpdxw

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So... I just had kind of a freak out moment. I live alone in the house that I used to share with my ubpdxw. We got divorced last year and I take care of the cats that we used to share until we split. She comes over sometimes to feed them when I’m out of town. We always agree in advance about when she will be here so that I make sure I’m gone. I haven’t physically seen her since divorce court in June of last year... until just now..

She accidentally left some of her stuff here and was supposed to pick it up while I was at work. When I got home, the stuff was still here... I figured she got tied up and couldn’t make it, so I went upstairs and started vacuuming. While I was doing that, she let herself in to get her stuff... and scared the hell out of me (she said she had been knocking but I was vacuuming and couldn’t hear). I was just really taken aback... I didn’t get angry and just sort of let her get her things and leave. Then I sent her a text message saying not to do that again...

Wow... I didn’t expect that.

Any thoughts on how best to enforce that boundary? Things have gone ok for a while... maybe her having access to my place all the time is not a good idea... or maybe it was a one time thing and the text message saying not to come here unless we agree in advance is enough?

[utnapishtim428]

So... I just had kind of a freak out moment. I live alone in the house that I used to share with my ubpdxw. We got divorced last year and I take care of the cats that we used to share until we split. She comes over sometimes to feed them when I’m out of town. We always agree in advance about when she will be here so that I make sure I’m gone. I haven’t physically seen her since divorce court in June of last year... until just now..

She accidentally left some of her stuff here and was supposed to pick it up while I was at work. When I got home, the stuff was still here... I figured she got tied up and couldn’t make it, so I went upstairs and started vacuuming. While I was doing that, she let herself in to get her stuff... and scared the hell out of me (she said she had been knocking but I was vacuuming and couldn’t hear). I was just really taken aback... I didn’t get angry and just sort of let her get her things and leave. Then I sent her a text message saying not to do that again...

Wow... I didn’t expect that.

Any thoughts on how best to enforce that boundary? Things have gone ok for a while... maybe her having access to my place all the time is not a good idea... or maybe it was a one time thing and the text message saying not to come here unless we agree in advance is enough?

[SinisterComplex]

Um, no offense, but that is kind of a flimsy boundary. She has access to your place...you have to be kidding me? Yeah revoke access and set firmer boundaries. You are playing with fire essentially. I am trying to look out for you here. You are enabling her to be a habitual line stepper and that is a do not pass go do not collect $200 scenario.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Rev]

Any thoughts on how best to enforce that boundary? Things have gone ok for a while... maybe her having access to my place all the time is not a good idea... or maybe it was a one time thing and the text message saying not to come here unless we agree in advance is enough?

I'm with SinisterComplex on this one.  I have a cease and desist with mine. Sent her through the roof... but give a BPD an inch...

Rev

[once removed]

(she said she had been knocking but I was vacuuming and couldn’t hear). I was just really taken aback... I didn’t get angry and just sort of let her get her things and leave.

this sounds like a reasonable explanation.

she knocked. you didnt hear it. she let herself in. its been a year...its equally reasonable not to want an ex wife of a year to let herself in, even on the best of terms.

if you really dont want anyone letting themselves into your place, change the locks. problem solved 

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there-

Your exW’s sudden appearance in your home must have been a shock.  I would have freaked too, but I’ve got a few questions.

In August you posted that you have a “normal” girlfriend and things were going well.  If this is still the case, How does the fact that your exW enters your home (seemingly at will) sit with your current girlfriend?  Or even that your exW cares for the cats when you travel for work?

If you intend for your exW to continue cat care, changing your locks makes no sense.  However you can add a deadbolt lock that you use when you’re in town.  Always.  Your exW will NOT have this key.

OR.  You can “finalize” your divorce, re-key the existing locks and arrange for alternate pet care during times when you travel. 

PWBPD suffer from a no boundary issue.  In time your exW May have trouble finding her way straight from the front door to the kitty bowl and litter boxes without several detours throughout your home and private areas.

Just a little food for thought.

I’m sorry...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Utna, I agree w/Gems: those w/BPD will trample all over your boundaries, if you give them the chance.  The idea of a dead bolt for when you are home has merit, in my view.  It doesn't harm her, yet allows you to enforce your boundaries.  In my experience, it's best to proceed with boundary adjustments without seeking approval from pwPBD.

LJ

[utnapishtim428]

Hi everyone, I really appreciate the responses... very good food for thought. I think that there’s a pretty easy fix. I have an electronic door lock that you need a code to use. I never learned all the ins/outs but, after what happened, figured out how to change/deactivate codes. So... no more entry when I’m not ok with it.

Gemsforeyes, I appreciate that you’ve paid attention to my previous posts! Your questions did make me pause and think about where my priorities are (my gf is awesome and is my priority). I try to keep my gf involved  in any decision making (like changing the door code) to make sure that she feels ok with everything. I’ll definitely be discussing options for catcare with her to make sure she is on board with whatever is decided. Also, until this incident, my ex has respected normal boundaries and did not enter my house without express permission each time, nor did she go anywhere she wasn’t supposed to (I know this because I have cameras all over my house), though the thought has crossed my mind.

The complicating factor is that the cats are legally my exes’ but I care about them a lot (I’ve had the one for 10 years). My ex just doesn’t have the means to take them back yet... so it will be something of a balancing act until she can take them back. She is shooting for sometime in the spring... if it lasts much past that, I’ll have to figure out what to do so she can’t use the cats as leverage or something.

This situation just caught me off guard because things have been pretty calm/normal since the divorce was finalized. It was like my ex just sort of let me go and started acting fairly normal... not sure if anyone else experienced that, but it was definitely a pleasant surprise on my end .