Handling conflict, repairing damage and feeling alone

[Ozzie101]

So, earlier this year, when I was at my lowest, I made a big mistake and shared too much about my relationship with my H with my sisters. I told them about the emotional and verbal abuse I was being subjected to. That whole week is a real blur for me and I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think I gave way too much detail. Result: they wanted nothing more to do with my H. All said that while they support me, they don't support him or my decision to stay.

In the months since, H has made a lot of progress. We still have problems (it's been a rough month with a lot of stress) but, to his credit, H continues to work on his issues and I continue to work on mine. He seeks out therapy on his own initiative. And my therapist and his therapist agree that this was not a classic DV situation. It's a trauma-based problem that's being addressed.

My sisters haven't reached out or asked how things are going at all, aside from one sister one time in late February. (Which sort of indicated to me that for all their talk, they didn't really feel that much concern for me.)

The uncertainty is causing stress for both of us (particularly with Christmas coming up) and we both felt that it was time I gave my sisters an update and sort of tried to open the door to moving on past this limbo. My therapist agrees and she made suggestions on how to approach it.

I feel anxious. A part of me very much fears my sisters will refuse to give any chances and will make their negative feelings clear (which, my therapist says, would possibly indicate that they're focused on themselves and their own feelings, not thinking about me or mine).

Anyway, for quite some time now, I've been feeling frustrated and hurt and lost. I feel like no one in this situation is really thinking about me or my position. H focuses on his fears and hurts. My sisters are focused on their feelings. I can see both of their points of view and understand them. Yet it feels like no one sees or acknowledges that I'm in the middle and the emotional punch I stand to take. Well, no one but my grandmother and possibly my parents. H doesn't understand why I care about my sisters (he's an only child and sibling dynamics escape him). They don't understand why I love him. Many times I've felt this urge to run away, leave all of them behind and just go off by myself.

I love them all. I'm just getting tired of constantly considering and juggling the feelings of so many people, particularly when they're at odds. Their feelings are not my responsibility, I know. But I helped create the current situation, which means it's on me to try to solve it. Maybe it can't be solved. I can't force people to do or accept what they don't want to. I get that and H does, too. But there's still a great potential for more hurt and complication and conflict.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt this way.

[GaGrl]

As soon as I read your opening sentence, I thought "time for an update!" - - so I'm so glad that's what you're planning to do.

You both have worked so, so hard this year...why not share this with your sisters as the success story it is, in the gratitude of the season.

What would your message be in that context? How would that sound?

Things don't have to be 100% perfect and resolved for you to ask that they celebrate what you've discovered and accomplished this year.

[Ozzie101]

I'm working on the email now. My therapist gave me some good ideas and we both agreed that email will be the way to go (considering the people involved and -- with one sister -- the potential for conflict that could derail the message). I'm a writer. I compose and write better than I speak.

Anyway, it will focus on the progress he and I have both made, that sharing the information with them was a mistake (and colored by my emotion at the time) and, as both his and my therapists have said, he's not a "textbook domestic violence abuser." It was a situation with abuse, but it was not a Lifetime movie. Also will pay some attention to my feelings and my desire for there to be progress and a way for all of us to move forward. That's all I want, really. They don't have to welcome him with open arms right now. But some acknowledgement and willingness to be more open would be nice.

[townhouse]

I have been and still in a similar situation .Ozzie101

Four years ago there was a one off DV incident with my husband. Due to going to court etc everyone in family and friends knew about it.

Like you I found that those who were thinking only of themselves and their narrow views of life could not and still can’t understand why I stuck with H and helped him through court and therapy. 

Actually, it was my nearest relatives, my sons who stood by me and understood that I had some wisdom in the situation.

Hopefully, your email will shift some of your sisters fixed ideas about what happened. 

[Cat Familiar]

I advised you a year ago to disclose to your family. Mea culpa. I'm sorry that didn't work out well. Too often, people don't disclose abuse, for obvious reasons and become estranged from family and friends.

It seems that a written communication with your sisters might prove fruitful as far as opening the door a bit with your husband. (Well, maybe not with one sister, but you can hope.)

People can and do change, but often evidence is required to change someone's prior opinion. I think that your husband attending therapy sessions qualifies as intent to do better.

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, everyone! It's so nice to have a place to come where people understand. (Well, here and with my therapist.)

Well, my parents advised me to say something to my sisters, too. Where it gets to be my fault is that I shared too much and at an emotional time. At least, I think I did. I honestly don't remember much about those conversations.

Yes, I think his attending therapy and his improvement show good intent and can serve as evidence. When I tried to repair the damage earlier this year, it was too soon, I think. Now, enough time has passed, it might be OK.

I'm hopeful. But also sort of afraid of what will happen if the response is negative.

Honestly, I'm so tired of "the family issue."

[Ray2017]

Conflict is just so anxiety-producing.  I'm so sorry it's been a tough season for you!  I made a mistake of confiding in my closest friend last summer and it blew up big time.  I so regret saying anything.  Our daughters are also best friends, so I am doing everything to be friendly so the girls' friendship isn't impacted, yet maintain my boundaries so she and her husband don't try and take over my life and get my H fired from his job and removed from our religious group (my H still has no idea any of this went on, thank goodness). My T is having me work on self-compassion, which I find difficult, and I've especially been trying to apply it in this circumstance.  I hope your sisters respond favorably to your email, I'm glad you have your parents in your corner, and I'm glad you have proof of your H's overall improvement to back things up.

[Perdita]

Anyway, it will focus on the progress he and I have both made, that sharing the information with them was a mistake (and colored by my emotion at the time)

Don't be too hard on yourself.  Its very stressful to go through these things and we all have a point at which we just can't keep it in anymore.  I think we've all had regrets about sharing certain details with certain people and worry about the possible consequences.

When I have a friend going through a  difficult time, I always let that person know that I support them regardless of what they decide on doing about their situation. I know what it is like to end up isolated and try not to do that to others.

I don't know if your sisters will come around or not.  I do understand your feelings about being stuck in the middle of everyone else's feelings.   It's emotionally draining (as if we need more of that).  Running away from everyone is something I often wish I could do too.

[formflier]

It is possible (and likely) that disclosing things to your sisters in the past was the "right" thing to do.

Disclosing things based solely on the reaction of others doesn't seem particularly healthy or wise.

If you and your professional advisors believe that it's time for an update (and I agree it sounds like it is), then by all means do so.

I would advise you to "match the method of disclosure".  If originally you told them via email then I would stick with that, if you told them in person, then update them in person.

Focus less on "fixing" and more on sharing your truth.  Other's may or may not accept it.  That's on them...NOT YOU!

I'm so glad that you are happier with your relationship and that that everyone seems to be doing better.  If you keep the focus there, I suspect you will have a good holidays, regardless of the reaction of your sisters.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Thank you all for the support and kind words!

Focus less on "fixing" and more on sharing your truth.  Other's may or may not accept it.  That's on them...NOT YOU!

Oh, I agree. My fear, though, is that if they don't accept it, even if I don't have to deal with the blame, I have to deal with the fallout.

[formflier]

  I have to deal with the fallout.

Can you expand on this.

If another party makes a mess, are you obligated to clean it up?  (perhaps overly simplistic.  I can see the answer being "it depends"...so, focus on "depends on what?")

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

No, I'm not obligated to clean it up. But I've found that even when I remove myself from the middle, it creates drama with H that's difficult to deal with.

Let's say my sisters respond in the negative. This will trigger H big-time -- especially since he's already in an abandonment mode at the moment. He will likely respond with not only "Your sisters are horrible people. They don't care about you. They're making this all about themselves." it will also bring on a round of "You need to blast them to your parents. Your parents and grandmother still communicate with them and support them. That means they take their side. I don't want anything to do with them either."

That's fine, if he chooses not to have anything further to do with them. Painful for me, but that's his decision and I can't manage that for him. But, it creates strain when I won't go along with it. I won't cut out my parents and grandmother. And even if my sisters respond in the negative, I don't want to destroy my relationship with them either -- especially not when there's a chance they'll eventually come around. If I won't do that, it's a sign that I don't stand up for him and I don't take his side. And/or that I'm naive and let people walk all over me.

Again, his feelings are not my responsibility. He responds how he chooses to respond. But the resulting fall-out does end up landing on me, even if I try to step away from it and distance myself from it. To him, that means I don't care -- cue the abandonment fears and the lashing out.

[Cat Familiar]

This may sound harsh, but there’s no need to put yourself in the middle. You can refuse to have those conversations with him.

So he doesn’t like your sisters. And so they don’t like him. How can you change that? It’s a losing battle to try to create cohesion where there is none naturally.

Best to agree to disagree. “I love you and I love my sisters. I’m sorry you don’t like them, but that’s between you and them. It’s not my issue.”

Boundaries like this are unpleasant and hard to implement when you’ve been a people pleaser. But once you can set this limit, your life will be much simpler.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Cat. That's pretty much my goal: to take myself out of the middle. He doesn't like that sort of response. Then it becomes my not caring about him, not helping him handle his stress, my not being supportive. But I'm getting better about being able to approach those situations with a little more detachment and objectivity.

I think where I still struggle is on the refusing to have conversations with him. We get in these situations where he's dysregulating and it's like he can't stop. He has to get it all out, verbally. And there's nowhere I can go. Leaving the room, he follows. And these usually happen at night, too late to go for a walk and when there's really nowhere for me to go other than drive aimlessly (which is not a relaxing thing for me). Usually I just sit there and let him talk. But eventually he starts demanding responses.

I can tell he's trying to make me responsible for his feelings, trying to pin some of it on me to get rid of them and ease the pressure on himself. And I will not and cannot be responsible for how he feels.

Best to agree to disagree. “I love you and I love my sisters. I’m sorry you don’t like them, but that’s between you and them. It’s not my issue.”

Except I feel like in some ways it is my issue. If any time a family event comes up, any time there's a holiday, any time a family member reaches out about something, any time I like a post on Facebook, any time a child's birthday comes up, it brings on recriminations and claims of "You always side with them, you don't have my back," then I end up with drama.

I guess the answer is to set that limit and keep it. I love you. I love them. I'm not losing or cutting off anybody. And stick to it. Either he learns to accept that, or ... But the interim could be rocky.

[formflier]

Can you lock a bedroom door and put on headphones?

The situation you describe used to happen in my relationship.  I spent several nights in hotels...more than several.

Basic value: 

1.  I'm open to conversations with my wife.
2.  I'm not open to circular, go nowhere conversations...or heave forbid abusive ones.

For number 2 I'll exit and come back later.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

I tried that once. That led to major escalation -- yelling, pounding on the door (and this with my stepson asleep in the next room). I think it triggered his fear of abandonment in a big way. Regardless, it was scary at the time.

I've thought about, in a calm time, talking to him about the family thing and telling him that I can understand that he sometimes doesn't like my family. But the attacks and lashing out don't help us. Perhaps it would be better if he had a friend he could vent about my family to because it hurts me to hear these things, just as it would hurt me if they were bashing him.

I don't share my frustrations and disappointments regarding my stepson with H because I know from experience that it makes him defensive and he's not really receptive. It's better for me to vent to my therapist and a neutral friend who doesn' know SS.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re absolutely right. If you choose to impose this boundary, it will be extremely unpleasant. But if you don’t back down, time and time again, after repeated attempts to bust that boundary, he will eventually accept it.

You’ve already trained him that you will listen nonstop to his  “you’re either with me or agin me” whining.

Ideally it would have been best to nip that in the bud when it first started. But that time has long passed. You listened out of kindness and compassion and you had no awareness at the time that it would feed a dysfunctional “need” to place him in a position of more importance than your connections to your family.

I readily think about horse training as a metaphor. Some people had a cute little foal that learned to stand on its hind legs and put its front feet on their shoulders. They weren’t too knowledgeable about horses, and didn’t realize this habit would continue when the foal grew to its full adult weight of nearly a thousand pounds. As their little colt grew, they had a life threatening issue.

Do you want to be dealing with your husband trying to divide you from your family 10, 20 years from now? I would bet money on the likelihood that he’s not going to get over this of his own accord.

[Ozzie101]

No, he won't, you're right.

I wish I'd known about BPD, this place and all the communication tools earlier on (say, when our relationship first started), but I'm probably not alone in that. So much easier to head things off at the pass than to try to correct bad habits.

This is one of those areas where my sense of compassion bites me in the hind quarters. I love him. I can see his pain. I understand where he's coming from. Early on, anyway, I felt like his pain was my fault. And I felt like it was my duty as his wife to listen and try to help him.

But here's the thing I've realized: He needs me to listen to his ranting. He needs me to help him with his feelings. Yet, my feelings don't matter or get pushed into the background. We had some bad news about a job I interviewed for (complicated story). He was furious, called me up bashing this friend who was involved, going on and on how angry he was. Later, he commented that I didn't seem to care. That I didn't get worked up. What I was thinking was, "How can I? Even a situation that's, really, more about me than about you becomes all about you and your feelings."

[Cat Familiar]

If you “help” him with his feelings, he will never learn to manage them on his own.

[Cat Familiar]

And you won’t be on a level playing field as his wife. And he will resent that.

[Ozzie101]

That's something I've learned and am working on separating. His feelings are his to handle, his to deal with. And I think we are making some progress there. But in the meantime, I get emotionally spewed on. That's what's un-fun.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s taken me a while to learn this too. I heard endless rants about my husband’s sisters not caring about him. If I joined in the criticism, he defended them. If I said nothing, he thought I didn’t care. If I suggested they were busy or very involved with their kids, he said I was on their side.

Now I don’t have any of these conversations with him and he seems a lot happier. He has been seeing a psychologist and I suppose he can talk to him about his sisters. I don’t care. It’s not my business.

How I’ve defused some of those firecrackers lobbed at me:

Him: “You don’t care!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m a heartless piece of work,” said with a smile.

[Ozzie101]

If it were his family, it would be easier to do this because it really would not be my business. But when it's my family and much of the conflict comes from something I did, then it's harder to distance myself in that way.

I can only do what I can do -- reach out to my sisters to share that things are much better and we've made a lot of progress (and much of what I shared before was colored by emotion at the time). But if they still reject him, well, then there's still a way to look at it where it's my fault.

Though, at the same time, I never should have been put in that situation in the first place. He shouldn't have treated me the way he did.

The blame game doesn't work. Plenty to go around, really.

So, yes, ultimately the conversations just need to stop.

[Cat Familiar]

Let’s take “fault” out of the equation. What happened, happened and you cannot change the past. However the past needn’t color the future.

That you are willing to shoulder the blame indicates a high level of emotional intelligence. Someone else might blame the sisters, or me and your parents for urging you to confide in them. In any case, blame is really inconsequential and of no help. So best not to blame yourself. You did what you thought was right in the moment and it didn’t turn out the way you hoped.

But perhaps it was because it confirmed a bias your sisters already had about your husband. It sounds as if your family is very intelligent and emotionally functional, other than perhaps that one sister who had issues with you when you were younger and now has issues of her own.

Certainly they already had some opinions of their own about your husband and could read you and know there were some problems in the relationship.

We enter into these romantic relationships, assuming that everyone will be on their best behavior, the behavior we have observed in the courting phase. But then we get to see the underbelly of our beloved when their unresolved issues arise.

Understandably he’s got some issues about family, with a background like his own. And add BPD to the mix, and it’s no wonder he’s questioning whether you love him better than your family. It’s truly sad that a grown man can be so insecure, but that’s what you’re dealing with.

It may sound counterintuitive but participating in those discussions of his insecurities can brand you in his mind as being weak. And if you’re weak, you might be able to be manipulated by your family to remove your love from him.

If you demonstrate your strength by being able to stand up to his manipulations and tell him that what he’s doing by asking you to choose between him and your family is not appropriate, then he will know you are strong and less likely to be swayed by others’ opinions. You’ve made the commitment to be by his side and you are going to keep it.

[Ozzie101]

Certainly they already had some opinions of their own about your husband and could read you and know there were some problems in the relationship.

Yes. Actually, that's why my parents recommend I talk to one sister in the first place. She knew something was going on and they all sensed something was "off."

It may sound counterintuitive but participating in those discussions of his insecurities can brand you in his mind as being weak. And if you’re weak, you might be able to be manipulated by your family to remove your love from him.

Wow. I hadn't thought of it that way, but that makes a lot of sense. I've long sensed that his big fear is that I will drop him and choose my family. My perceived weakness could very well feed that fear.