splitting - it's starting again. What should i do?

[Jwood]

See my previous post for a bit of history on my situation.

My upwBPD has split and literally left 4 times now and it's in the early stages of happening again. By now i am quite certain he has bpd and I'm trying to get him into counseling. I haven't reacted in the same way i have previously clearly seeing the pattern emerging. It's so strange he can't see it and makes excuses for it. Typically projecting behavior. It's so confusing to be treating someone so well and then to have them treat you badly and blame you. I'm trying hard to practice 'wise mind' (a balance of logic and emotion).

I'm interested in hearing from others on their experience with the early stages of splitting. Were you able to stop it from happening?

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[Ozzie101]

It is confusing and bewildering, isn't it?

I wish I could say I had some deep wisdom to share, but I don't. My uBPDh will split, but it's usually in short bursts that come and go. Never have found a way to head them off.

If you don't mind my asking, how are you reacting differently this time?

[Jwood]

Hi Ozzie101,

It's incredibly bewildering.

I've typically spent a great deal of time trying to reason with him, explain over and over, plead, etc. It hasn't worked of course. I think it actually adds fuel to the fire. I feel as though he is trying to make me react to somehow justify his behavior.  This time i spent a limited amount of time stating that this is clearly a pattern and he needs to be in counseling for us to continue. That was 5 days ago and i haven't heard from him. I messaged today just saying "i really love you". I know i need to stay in my boundaries as it's the only hope for any success and i also know he is in push/pull so on the assumption he doesn't really want me to go, I'm letting him know i care. Which of course he already knows but seeing my note will cause him to think.

In parallel his family is also attempting to convince him to get help. We're all singing from the same song sheet.

I'm not sure of the outcome and of course i feel horrible especially right before Christmas but i do feel slightly more contained emotionally. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that i need to walk away from this if there aren't results pretty quickly and a firm commitment to see someone. We did go to couples therapy twice before and i could already see how we'd benefit. He needs to go on his own as well though to really figure this out. He is definitely aware there's some recurrent patterns with him.

[Ozzie101]

I've typically spent a great deal of time trying to reason with him, explain over and over, plead, etc. It hasn't worked of course. I think it actually adds fuel to the fire.

Yep. That's JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) and, as you've discovered, it just makes things worse. I was making that same mistake before I came here. It seems logical -- "If I just explain, he'll get it and move on" but it really doesn't work that way.

It's pretty common for people to be resistant to therapy. In general, people don't like to admit there might be something wrong with them or a problem that's theirs to fix. Add BPD with its strong sense of shame and it's even more difficult. Truth is, he might never come around and agree to counseling. Or he might surprise you.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger emotionally. Keep up self-care. Work on yourself even if he won't work on himself. Plan for any contingency. Keep calm. You can weather the storm.

When you approach the subject of counseling, what do you usually say? Do you tend to bring it up in calm times or when he's dysregulating/splitting?

[Jwood]

Re your comment, "If I just explain, he'll get it and move on" but it really doesn't work that way - this is bang on. it's so comforting to know others in this community really get what's going on.

As far as discussing the topic of counseling I've done both. It doesn't go well of course when he's starting to split. All goes out the window at that point. Over the last 2 months I've discussed it in a calm and positive way with him when things are good. When he starts to split again though he twists everything that was said, even though it doesn't make sense he'll fine someplace to try to hold on to. His kids both expressed to me they think they have bpd as well as their dad. That was shocking for me to hear and when i started to research it, he checks all the boxes. I'd told him in confidence about how the kids felt and he was concerned. In the throws of a split he said i was lying and was calling his daughter hoping maybe that she'd say something different. That didn't happen. She confirmed everything I'd said. It ended up being a very good conversation actually with all of us on speaker. He agreed he'd do group counseling with his kids. The split was already underway though and he told me last week he wasn't convinced he has this and i should accept him for who he is and not mention counseling. He says truly bizarre things like "when you act like this it makes me not like you". I tried to get him to see he was in another split. I told him to think about how he acted a month ago vs now. Displays of affection - saying i love you, calling me sweetie, saying sorry. I told him to look at his texts. You can clearly see the pattern.
His response was that he doesn't know why it happens. That was a first. Some level of awareness seems to have crept in. I just don't know if it will stay.

It's a very sad situation when we really do love each other.