xBPDw trying to create a new mental health issue for my now 17-year-old son

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am 7 years divorced from my ex wife who has  BPD.  I have always tried to be the “bigger person“/do the right thing and follow the advice of my previous counselors and have avoided talking to my boys about their mother‘s mental illness. That was largely in an effort to allow them to have the most positive feelings about her as possible. She had “manufactured” a mental health crisis for my younger son when he was about eight resulting in an almost certainly unnecessary and damaging psych admission for depression/suicidal thoughts. She used that as an opportunity to tell anyone who would listen about how terrible I am.  She has been pretty stable  in recent years overall (minus the suicide attempts summer of 2018) but seems to be having a little bit of a flareup right now probably related to my new relationship. She seems to be trying to create a new mental health issue for my now 17-year-old son and I think it might be time to be more open about their mother‘s mental illness, perhaps recommend they read “Understanding the  Borderline Mother”  or a similar work.
I was hoping to get some advice in this area.  Thx

[KCSurvivor]

I am 7 years divorced from my ex wife who has  BPD.  I have always tried to be the “bigger person“/do the right thing and follow the advice of my previous counselors and have avoided talking to my boys about their mother‘s mental illness. That was largely in an effort to allow them to have the most positive feelings about her as possible. She had “manufactured” a mental health crisis for my younger son when he was about eight resulting in an almost certainly unnecessary and damaging psych admission for depression/suicidal thoughts. She used that as an opportunity to tell anyone who would listen about how terrible I am.  She has been pretty stable  in recent years overall (minus the suicide attempts summer of 2018) but seems to be having a little bit of a flareup right now probably related to my new relationship. She seems to be trying to create a new mental health issue for my now 17-year-old son and I think it might be time to be more open about their mother‘s mental illness, perhaps recommend they read “Understanding the  Borderline Mother”  or a similar work.
I was hoping to get some advice in this area.  Thx

[enlighten me]

Hi KCsurvivor

Its a difficult situation. I had similar with my ex wife. The difference being my sons had enough of her and came to live with me. they were 13 and 12 at the time. I avoided putting their mum down to them ( as best I could). I did discuss that I thought she had a problem. This lead to further discussions. They had counselling which wasn't great as the counsellor was all for them to reconnect with their mum and was obviously on her side.

I think at 17 your son can handle a chat. It may help him to understand the confusion he is facing. If you do decide to talk to your children you need it to come from a place of compassion for their mum not hate. I feel sorry for my ex. She has had these issues all her life through no fault of her own. Yes she has made choices on how to behave but you must remember her view on the world differs from yours. Her fears make her behave a certain way.

I would suggest researching the disorder. Try and empathise with someone who is always looking at the negatives and waiting for people to let them down. Look at situations with this in mind and see the difference. Like I said your discussion should not come from a place of anger as your children will pick up on this and may see it as sour grapes. If it is done with compassion then you will shine through and your children will be more willing to listen.


Hope this helps.

[KCSurvivor]

Appreciate that input enlighten me. I do think I have a fairly good understanding of the disorder.  I am a physician and tried to learn as much as I could and help her for years before the divorce.  I feel the same way about how terrible it must be for them but at the same time I have to consider what is best for my boys and I’m having difficulty understanding how keeping them sheltered from what I’m dealing with is helping them in the long run.  The advice I got from various counselors seemed pretty consistent about not outing her as a BPD patient.  Right now I’m just considering allowing them to see a little of what I am getting from her in terms of the manipulation going on. I’m hoping to prevent her from convincing my younger son that he’s depressed which will serve her agenda but damage him in the process. 

[enlighten me]

Hi KC

Im glad you have a broad understanding it really helps. Children aren't stupid. Theres a whole world at their finger tips so they probably know their mum has issues.

What I feel could be more damaging for them is not being able to voice their concerns. If they suspect she has something wrong with her then guilt, embarrassment and fear may stop them from talking about it.

Its not about them seeing what she puts you through. They will see that. They will also see how you react. Its about them and the effect their mum has on them. Not knowing that what she does is wrong and that there are reasons behind it could be more confusing for them.

Remember we dont know what our exs are saying about us. For all you know she could have told them you cheated on her and deserve what she does to you. They could believe anything she tells them and although not ideal as you dont want to involve them and get in a tit for tat battle you can stand up for yourself.

[worriedStepmom]

Is your ex open about her mental health issues?  Has she been officially diagnosed?

My SD12's mom admits that she has been diagnosed with anxiety (if she has been diagnosed with BPD, which I think may have happened recently, she won't admit that).  Because she's open with that, H and I have felt comfortable talking to SD about how mom's mental illness impacts some of her decisions and actions. We talk about it like a coffee filter - mom's filter of anxiety only lets certain information through, and that means mom's interpretations can be radically different from mine or H's.  (SD does not know much about mom's crazy towards us or the T - we focus only on how mom is affecting SD.)

SD has had to deal with a lot of emotional manipulation and emotional abuse, and it has helped her to realize that there's a reason behind why mom does some of this.  None of this is about SD/SD's fault.  We talk pretty frequently about how much all of us which mom would be well again, but we can't control that.   SD has realized that mom's anxiety manifests very differently from other people in our lives with anxiety disorders, and she's asked a few questions about that.  When she gets older, we will explain BPD to her.

Does your son see a therapist?  Even if he doesn't have depression or another mental health issue, it might help him learn tools to deal with the pressure from his mom.  And him seeing the T might be enough to get mom to back off.

[livednlearned]

She seems to be trying to create a new mental health issue for my now 17-year-old son

What is she doing?

How is he responding? Does he seem to have a sense that she's pressuring him?

What's his relationship like with her, and with you?

The devil can really be in the details with our circumstances because the kids are so susceptible to being triangulated.

[Panda39]

I think at 17 it is okay to talk with your son.  My Partner's daughters like enlighten me's kids also voted with their feet and moved in with their dad full-time (D15 & D19) after 5 years of instability related to their mom during and post divorce. 

I gave my Partner my copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson to share with his daughters at that time and I have not seen it since.  In addition I would also suggest reading something else that is a more general look at BPD like Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger to get a good grounding in what BPD is.

I agree with worriedStepmon getting your son into Therapy can help.

I'm not the child of a BPD mom but as an outsider, who had never dealt with someone with Mental Health issues I found myself always asking "why?" when it came to my Partner's uBPDxw and for me it was a huge relief to stumble upon BPD.  I started reading and things started making sense, once it started making sense, I was in a better position to react in ways that were supportive to my Partner and his daughters.

I've pulled some information on raising resilient kids that you might find helpful...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

Take Care,
Panda39

[KCSurvivor]

My ex had been open about her diagnosis at one point and she was treated at a facility specializing in BPD here in KC for about 18 months that is run by a woman who trained under the founder of DBT.  But then she would vacillate between complete denial and blaming me for labeling her with the diagnosis and then using it as an excuse for any and all bad behavior and warning/ threatening others about the high rate of suicide associated with the diagnosis. 

At the time my younger son was admitted for SI, I believe she essentially talked him into saying the words she knew would get him admitted.  She used that as opportunity to tell staff at the facility where he was admitted  about how terrible I was and to blame all of his problems on me.  All this without any thought to how that experience was affecting him and the repercussions it would have on him for years.  He and I had gone to counseling (i was glad to do!) that was essentially ordered by the case manager assigned to us by the court during our divorce.  We were “released” by the psychologist a couple of years ago with no concern about my relationship with my son ever having been  expressed.  He’s come a long way and thriving in essentially every way.  He's a bit moody at times (he is a teenager) and not happy with some acne issues but doing well overall.  She’s trying to convince me (and him) that he is depressed, blowing things out of proportion  and making accusations that he may be cutting.  She’s claiming that he’s hiding things from me and of course he’s afraid to open up to me so I couldn’t possibly have any sense of what he’s going through. 
This SEEMS to be a response to my recent fairly serious relationship.  This is the 1st woman really with whom the boys have had any significant contact since the divorce.  She also  claims they have confided in her that they hate my new GF which seems highly unlikely.   
I’m thinking it’s time for them to know about her diagnosis and have the opportunity to learn about it and be able understand her behaviors a little better and hopefully decrease their frustration going forward.  I feel like we need to be able to talk about it out in the open for the benefit of EVERYONE’s relationships.  I have had such a difficult time coming to this conclusion due to guilt stemming from previous therapists recommending against my ever bringing it up. But I feel like knowledge is power and they deserve the right to understand what’s going with her better.  I feel like it’s unfair to handicap them and their ability to understand her motivations by keeping them in the dark any longer.  I’m most worried that she will be able to manipulate my younger son into another “depression” because that would suit her agenda for disrupting my life especially if she can further perpetuate the narrative that it’s because of my delinquency as a parent and / or somehow related to a bad choice I’ve made in a partner.

[enlighten me]

Hi KCsurvivor

I think you've come to a sensible solution. There may be a number of videos out there that you could show them to explain what their mum is going through and her behaviour. It may help for them to see a third party talk about it and them to realise that its what their mum has rather than you tell them and their mum deny it as sour grapes or that your trying to mess with their heads.

It went well with my boys when I told them. They asked some questions but I think it was more of a relief for them to realise that they were right in their beliefs that their mum wasn't right in the head.

I wish you luck

EM

[livednlearned]

How would you tell him, and what would you say?