End of year meltdown

[2020]

Hello All,

Since the last time I posted I think things have improved somewhat. My partner and I went and saw my therapist and it looked as if she was going to find her own place to live and we would have a bit of space. I felt in two minds about this but had come to accept it. However, she did not take the rental she had looked at. The landlord kept ringing here to offer it to her but she would not speak with him and I found myself making excuses to him.

We continued quite well working this online business with some minor flare ups happening which seemed manageable.

Last week her son rings up and she started crying on the phone. It turns out he has diabetes. Since his hospitalisation, I have been maintaining the business here, driving her to the hospital daily, making meals etc, just trying to be as supportive as I can.

In reality, what has happened is she is needing to place the blame somewhere for this stressful situation. Rather than be objective about this, she has turned on pretty much everyone and everything around her. She is blaming her son's girlfriend for feeding him pizza and coke and is now determined to remove him from her. She has totally rejected me and any support I could offer, even lending a sympathetic ear. In her words, this has been a wake up call for her to get all these toxic people out of her life.

She rang her sister who recently became a nurse and she drove 200km to visit her at her son's place. When my partner returned she went into a huge monologue about how   up her sister is and how she is making everything worse! I listened and reflected back by saying it sounds like you regret contacting her. She appeared to respond to being heard, and this is all I can really do.

Today I woke up to her screaming and carrying on. Blaming me and my kids for her misery in life. She has run off twice today and appears to be drinking each time. I have told her that I can tell she is unhappy and that anyone would be under these circumstances. She is hell bent on the "we are over" and "there never was an us" line. The only positive here is she has contacted a doctor and made an appointment for I am not sure when. She said she needs valium to cope. She also contacted my therapist yesterday and has an appointment on the 9th of January.

She really is not coping with this. Her son's diagnosis has been the straw which broke the camel's back, but then again, just about everything is. My strategy here is to give her space. I am glad she took the initiative to contact a doctor and a therapist. It will be rough seas ahead. My youngest son will be catching a bus to stay with his mother for two weeks tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. I imagine my partner will return tonight. I am worried for her and feel sad about her son, but it isn't a death sentence. He will manage this and be ok, but his mother maybe not so.

Thank you for listening. I hope you are all doing ok in your BDP worlds!

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[pursuingJoy]

2020 my goodness I feel the weight of what you're carrying. You're managing so well in the face of it but I know it takes a toll.

I imagine how things may change yet again if she decides to follow through on moving, or if she decides to pursue her son's girlfriend. I hope you find time to do something that makes you happy and gives you a reprieve. Keep us posted.

pj

[PathFinder1]

It is so hard to blamed for another's misery. Wishing you some calm times in this end of the year stress. A challenging time, for sure.

[2020]

I thank you both for your kind words. Things are moving along here in some ways. She went to the doctor yesterday and is back on valium which helps a lot! The adjustment always throws her into a strange mood for a few days. Today she was saying she feels like a zombie and hates it. Last night she rang her son and was saying she appreciated a break from the intense anxiety.

A few days ago she was drinking and phoned her son. I left the bedroom to make coffee. When I returned she was yelling at him. She was saying the worst things she could about him and his girlfriend. It was shameful, yet it was from what I have learnt, textbook traits of this condition. The accusations were unfounded and to you and I, imaginary. I felt sorry for her son, and for her. After talking about this with me the next day, she phoned him and said she was sorry for what she said. It isn't the first time she has done this.

Today she has vanished again. I can say with certainty that I am so used to this now, I do not react the way I was a year ago. That is probably progress on my part. Maybe this is the reality? I can't force her to stop her doing what she does, but I can control how I react to her. I am looking forward to a change in the 'weather' over the next couple of weeks. It looks like the 'High Conflict Couple' book she ordered on my suggestion has arrived! Just in the nick of time perhaps? My yougest son is away at his mother's which is a welcome reprieve. I will update more here when I get time alone (which is rare), as a record of progress (I hope!). Hope all of your Xmas periods are event free!

[2020]

I just had an ambulance here. My partner came back very drunk and was telephoning people with rental properties online. She could hardly speak. I guess I should have left her alone, but when I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, she grabbed my arm and dug her nails in. She started ripping up things in the bedroom. I took the phone off her and called an ambulance. By the time it arrived here, she had slipped out the window. I spoke to one of the ambulance men and explained what was going on. He said, "Don't worry, I do get this. I have had first hand experience with BPD behaviour." I asked if it was through a partner and he said "Yes". He suggested if she returns and becomes violent or I feel threatened in any way, to call the police. My son just told me he saw her walking up the road with two bags. I don't know if she will be back today or not. Did I mention this is an 'End of year meltdown'?

[2020]

And it just gets worse...

She came back here barely able to stand up. I gave her water and took her in. I told her she could stay but if things got ugly, she would have to leave. She was ok for a short while then started to move all her belongings out of the room. She said she was leaving in the morning and would not be back. She said we were over. I believe this is all because a parcel arrived today addressed to me and my kids from my sister.

She starts throwing things around the room... a picture frame, a branch of wild cotton. I told her if she doesn't stop being destructive, I would go to the police. She pushes an expensive printer off the bench smashing the control panel. I get in the car and drive towards the police station. Then I feel really bad and turn around. I get home and say to her that the way I see it, there are two choices: Either she stays at her Son's home tonight, or I call the police. She says, "Call the cops"!

I lock the door. She disappears again. It is night here. About half an hour later there is a spotlight and car in the road. It is the police. She is over the road in someone else's yard. They get out and talk to her. After about five minutes they are loading her into the back of the police wagon. I go and talk to them. Thankfully they were very understanding. They are taking her to the police station but are not locking her up. They are going to find her somewhere else to stay tonight. I suggested her Son would take her in perhaps and gave them his number.

Her brother has just phoned here. I have never spoken to him in my life. She must have called him at some point today. He listened to what I had to say and told me he appreciated my honesty. He can see she has some huge problems to deal with, namely alcohol abuse and mental health issues. He is going to phone the police station and see if he can talk to her.

I really don't know what the future holds. This morning we were sipping coffee talking about our creative work and ordering more supplies. Then the parcel arrived and sent her into a downward spiral. I am just glad she is not here smashing up things. I am also sad it has come to this again. I feel like I have tried pretty hard but can give no more. Perhaps this is where it all ends. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

[2020]

I am updating in the hope someone may relate to this in some way and learn from it.

The police just called me. She has fallen over at the police station and an ambulance will be taking her to hospital. They have found an empty packet of valium on her which I told them was full yesterday. She will be assessed by the Mental Health Unit there. They have given me the phone number there and suggested I call them and talk to them as my partner is incapable of coherent speech right now.

I am hopeful they will not let her out of there for a while, sad as this all is. She needs to be properly assessed which never happens! The only hospital which were onto what is going on is 200km away. She seems to fall through the cracks at this local hospital. We are in a small town not a huge city. There are people around her who genuinely care about her. The problem is she cannot see this. I will keep writing...

[pursuingJoy]

2020, checking in after a few days of being off the board. Just. WOW.

Have you called the hospital yet? Keep us posted.

I am hoping with you that she is properly assessed and treated. I know it had to have been difficult to consider reporting her to the police. Maybe it worked out that they were contacted, but you didn't have to be the one to call them...their report of the incident may end up providing an important measure of protection for and documentation of her behavior that mental health professionals might consider more seriously. Do you think her brother might step in and carry a bit of this load? It sounds like you've been shouldering this alone so far.

I feel for you and the pain you're experiencing. How are you?

[2020]

Hello and thanks for the support. I am OK. I have become accustomed to this over the years; I am just glad my two sons are not here tonight.

The police just called me again. She had taken 19 valium it turns out. They went to the hospital with her and she has a bed there for the night. She is apparently asleep and they said there would be little point for me to go up there. They have also spoken to her family so I assume they mean her brother and son. I think the police have handled this very well. They listened to me and have kept me totally updated with what is going on. I am quite taken back by this. I had visions of them arresting me when I first saw them across the road tonight.

This is just so crazy. My youngest son went away two days ago and my partner was so much more relaxed that he was not here. She telephoned a doctor and the mental health team and told them she had been suffering from anxiety and was drinking to manage it. I told her I was proud of her for asking for help and that I can tell how difficult the anxiety gets for her to manage alone. We even had sex in the past couple of days.

Today looked to be relatively calm this morning. I actually bought her a very expensive pair of boots for her birthday early next year which she had seen online. We had an order to fill with our gradually improving online business. I went to the post office when she disappeared and mailed the order. I returned and a while later, so did she... drunk.

She has completely  up a printer here, to the extent that I have put our website into vaction mode. I don't know how we will afford to replace it. She has pretty much killed things tonight. I am reluctant to go looking for her when the sun rises. I need to exercise caution in how I proceed. I am relieved she is in good care and not here smashing up things. This is not a good way to live. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

[once removed]

im sorry to hear things took another bad turn, 2020. youre up against a lost.

has anything happened since? have you spoken to her?

[2020]

Things went from bad to worse. At about 10am the next morning I went to the hospital looking for her but was informed that she had been discharged. I returned home to find her under a table near the front door. I spoke to her and suggested she come inside and rest. Within an hour or so she was blaming everyone else but herself for this situation.

I really find it hard to keep track and remember what happened...

About three days ago I had to pick up my youngest boy from a railway station about and hour and a half away from here. I tried to be clear about what I was doing and my partner said she was ok with it, but I knew this would likely end in  . Sure enough, when I returned she was drunk. She disappeared again when I went to the shop to buy us some dinner. At around midnight I thought I should go to the hospital and see if she was there. I noticed these flashing blue and red lights outside, and they weren't Xmas lights! She was laying in the grassy gutter with police around her. Her head was bleeding and her face was red. Her eye looked beaten in. Her knees were bleeding. I instantly thought she had been run over because she does lay down in roads.

An ambulance arrived. I went to the hospital and they addressed her wounds. Her head is stitched up and she has been in bed for the past few days. She has blamed the fact she had smoked two joints up the road somewhere. Anything but the alcohol she throws down her throat with handfuls of valium. She thinks someone laced the weed with something. I mean, this is a 47 year old woman...

I am about to take her to the doctor. I told the hospital the other night NOT to give her boxes of valium as she will overdose. She was given just five to last 3 days. She is giving me the cold shoulder treatment which is difficult. I am just going to have to get on with life by myself. Not sure what the future holds... I will update when I have time alone.