Feels like I've been punched in the gut...yet again

[AllTheSmiles]

Every few months I find myself in this very same spot. My husband has announced that he is not happy with me. It's always when he's having a really bad temper day or two, and he makes this announcement then won't talk to me. It feels like a punch in the gut and I feel barely able to function. He is an alcoholic and has recently quit drinking and is attending AA meetings, and had been doing great. However he still has major anger issues, and I realize they will probably get worse before they get better since he no longer has alcohol to soothe himself. He has been on medication for depression for many years as well. I thought his lashing out at me was a result of the alcoholism, but now that he's finding sobriety and still relating to me so poorly I've read up on BPD and it sounds like him. I believe his sister has it as well. I feel so utterly isolated and alone. I feel like I work so hard to be kind and caring and supportive to him, but at the moment I am feeling so rejected and unloved.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

It's so painful to hear things like that from people we love, isn't it? I'm sorry to say I've been there -- as have many others here. So, you're in good company.

Before I learned about BPD, I was in a panic, trying everything I could think of to soothe my H, to support him, to help him -- only to be accused of being selfish, of not helping, of never having his back. I still get those accusations, but much less often and of much shorter intensity. I know how much it hurts and the negative feelings that can result.

The good news is there are things you can do that might make things easier to handle or might lessen the symptoms. When you're feeling like it, maybe you can give us some more background and details. That makes it easier for us to get a handle on things and know how best to help.

First, though, how are you doing with self-care? It's so important that we take care of ourselves when times are tough. Spending time with family and friends. Indulging in hobbies or starting new ones. Even just going for a walk or reading a favorite book. Any of those things can help "fill your cup." When you're taken care of, you'll find you're much stronger. (Individual therapy or joining a group like Al Anon can do wonders, too, by the way, if your situation supports it.)

Welcome to the family! Keep posting!

[AllTheSmiles]

Thank you so much, it makes me feel better to know that others understand. I am TERRIBLE with self-care and see that not taking care of myself is a big part of the problem. There is an Al-Anon meeting near me on Thursday evenings which I've been thinking of attending (hahaha, right?

[Ozzie101]

I would give the meeting a try. Also, self-care. Get on that. It will help!

Hope you don't mind if I ask, but what usually precipitates his lashing out at you? How do you usually respond?

I ask because often, our responses or handling of situations inadvertently make things worse. I know that was true in my case! We can't change our loved ones but sometimes, if we change what we're doing, we can make things better -- or at least stop making them worse.

[AllTheSmiles]

Hmmm, what precipitates the lashing out...I think this one was because on Monday it was an absolutely beautiful day, and we were talking about how great the weather was, and that it was going to be much cooler the rest of the week. I commented that we really should go to the beach (we live in Florida,  used to go all the time, haven't been in at least 6 months). He later said something about being sorry that he can't just spontaneously go to the beach, and rattled off a bunch of chores he needed to get done. It was such an incredibly beautiful day, and I came home later to find that he hadn't gotten most of the chores done and had taken a nap. I wasn't happy about it. Later that evening when it felt like a safe time, I told him that I didn't want to fight, but that I wanted him to know I was disappointed about not going to the beach. It helped me let go and not be mad. It came up again this morning when he said that he can't always "make me happy" by taking me to the beach or whatnot.

[Ozzie101]

I don't blame you for being disappointed. A trip to the beach (when it's nearby) doesn't seem like it should be too much to ask.

One thing I'll tell you that I learned: pwBPD tend to have a very strong sense of shame and guilt. Actually, it seems like every emotion tends to be out-sized. But shame and guilt are key. They feel these strongly, but also have trouble with emotional regulation and immaturity/insecurity. While a well-adjusted person might think, "Hmm, I should have done that differently," a pwBPD is more likely to think, "They think I'm horrible. They hate me. They think I'm a terrible person." How to deal with that? Push those feelings onto someone else. The blame lies elsewhere. They don't have to deal with it. Think of a small child who hits his sister. I've actually seen it happen where a child, even when caught in the act, denies it and in fact blames the other child. "No, I didn't hit her. She hit me." Then rage at the adult who punishes him for hitting his sister.

Instead of hearing "Your actions are wrong" they hear "You are wrong." At your core. See the difference?

I say this not to blame you. As I said, it's natural to ask for and expect things from our loved ones. And it's hurtful and frustrating when they let us down. But in relationships involving BPD, sometimes we have to learn a different language and way of handling things. I know I've had to. Not fun, but it has helped.

Does he have a history of this sort of behavior -- making excuses to avoid things? If so, what would happen if, when there's something you really want to do, you make plans, let him know your plans and that he's welcome to come along, then follow through whether he wants to go or not?

[AllTheSmiles]

Wow, this such helpful information! Understanding the place he is coming from makes so much sense. And taking more responsibility for myself and making plans, then offering to include him sounds like a great idea too. It's funny because I very much enjoy alone time and doing things by myself (yes, perhaps too much that it's not healthy!) and yet he feels this pressure to entertain me. Based on conversations we've had about his first marriage, I believe this is a holdover that he can't seem to let go of. My first marriage baggage is that my husband up and left me, and I worry it will happen to me again. Oy, we are quite a mess!

[Chosen]

I say this not to blame you. As I said, it's natural to ask for and expect things from our loved ones. And it's hurtful and frustrating when they let us down. But in relationships involving BPD, sometimes we have to learn a different language and way of handling things. I know I've had to. Not fun, but it has helped.

Ozzie101, I love your analogy with the kids hitting.  Actually happened to mine, but then you can actually reprimand the kids and they would learn in time.  pwBPDs?  I'm not sure really.  After all, they've lived with this type of avoidance all their lives and it has served them well- I mean they must be hurting deeply inside, but they find their ways to project and deal with it.  So at least they got what they want, which is no need to take up the blame. 

Anyway... I'm interesting in knowing what ways of handling them have worked for you.  Because I, too, am often called selfish, unloving, never having his back.  And it feels like no matter what I do, his view of me stays the same.  I'm not saying I'm a very loving person, I mean, I do have a lot of learn in how to love somebody... but it also seems that nothing I ever do will get through to him.  He claims it's because I don't try hard enough, because deep down inside I don't love him so whatever I do will not work.  I know it's not like that (at least it's not the full picture), but I can't identify what's wrong. 

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad that helps, AllTheSmiles! Getting insight into our loved one's feelings and thought processes really can make a difference. And, like you said, taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness is really a key to achieving a healthier relationship.

We do carry holdovers from our past. Letting those go and seeing the moment for what it is isn't easy, but so worthwhile.

(And I'm a "lone wolf" type too! )

Anyway... I'm interesting in knowing what ways of handling them have worked for you.

I'm still very much a work in progress, Chosen. But much of it involves me changing my expectations and my attitude. I know him. I know how he'll likely behave or act in certain situations. If he surprises me, great! If he doesn't, I'm prepared mentally and emotionally.

I work on not taking things personally.

I also see what he's saying for what it is. My H has told me that he purposefully uses trigger words with certain people to get a reaction out of them. Now that I know that for a fact, I can look back, see what my own triggers are, and see when he's saying something to try to get to me. Big ones for me? You're selfish. You don't really care. But I know I'm not. And I do. And whatever storm this is will blow over.

But I also think through what I'm saying. I focus on the moment and what's happening. I really listen to what he's saying (and see the emotion and feeling behind it because often what he "says" is not what he's "saying" -- he's not actually angry about SS9's holiday schedule, he's stressed about work). That's listening with empathy. I keep in mind his fear of abandonment and his insecurities and the major stressors in his life now. I use SET instead of JADEing. No "You" statements. "I" statements. Etc.

And, above all, I keep calm.

Chosen, your pwBPD may be pushing you away (the push-pull dynamic of fear of abandonment). He may be projecting his pain. It may be raging insecurity (as is the case with my H). But if you work on your inner strength and confidence, then these blows will bounce off a lot easier. Staying calm and loving, using SET, may, over time, decrease the episodes. They may not, to be honest, but is it worth a try?

[AllTheSmiles]

Hey Ozzie! I did it! I went to Al-Anon last evening!❤

[Ozzie101]

Great, AllThe Smiles!

How did it go? How are you feeling now?