She asked me to wait for her

[Marrwen]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with someone exhibiting a lot of the symptoms of BPD. I learned about them after the breakup that happened 3 months ago, the relationship lasted 7 months and it changed me a lot and a lot of childhood wounds resurfaced for me.

We talked a couple of times since the breakup. The breakup was horrible, the intensity of the split was horrific. After a couple of weeks, she informed that she has a new relationship but she wants me as a friend in her life. And recently she told me not to forget about her and to wait for her without saying how long and she did not say that she won't be having relationships in between.

So I told her that I need time and space to build up my life again, I have been in depression since at least 4 months (my parents are very ill, which adds to the depression). She answered that she feels very connected to me through a 'magical, strange and anachronical power' but she does not have energy for me because she is working on her issues and she is trying to figure out what to do in her life.

At times, I know that even if we go back together, I will live the same rollercoaster relationship and the splits and the blames. From another angle, some part of my heart notices a difference since the breakup as if she is realizing that she made a mistake but out of dignity she does not want to directly say it. She is also talking about going to see a therapist but I don't think she knows about BPD.

So I am trying to get back to my life completely, but a part of me would like to let her know: let's have a relationship right now, I can not wait for months or years. BUT at the same time, if she does not get better in terms of BPD (go to therapy), drugs consumption and compulsive sex, we will live another nightmare. I thought of letting her know that I would like these boundaries to be respected but it does not really feel realistic.

So I miss her, I believe she can get better. I miss the laughs and the sex AND at the same time, I don't want to be her B-plan once she does everything according to her agenda and 'one day' come back to me. I feel I am trapped in a psychical paralysis. So sometimes I feel she is manipulating me and other times I feel she really means what she says and that she does not mean to lie. Regardless of her intentions, I don't feel good in this situation.

Any thought? Similar experience? I forgot to mention she is in another province and might come back in the coming months, yet she does not want to give me this information.

Thanks! 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

Well Marrwen..."I don't want to be her B-plan once she does everything according to her agenda and 'one day' come back to me. I feel I am trapped in a psychical paralysis. So sometimes I feel she is manipulating me and other times I feel she really means what she says and that she does not mean to lie. Regardless of her intentions, I don't feel good in this situation." - I want you to focus on what you typed out here. Read it back to yourself. What do you think I am going to say? For all intents and purposes I think you know what you need to do and what you should do, but because you are letting your emotions cloud your judgment you cannot think clearly. This is a scenario where logic and deductive reasoning would be better suited. However, I am not guiding you toward one decision or another.

All I am saying to do is to take a step back, process how you really feel and then what do you actually think and believe is the best course of action.

I am here to support you regardless of what route or path you take. Now in saying that...here is an important part of the scenario I must mention. Take sex away from the equation altogether (for many people this is hard, but I assure you this is an important thing to do) and then is what you want from a partner? Are you getting treated the way you want to be treated? Do things feel one-sided? Is there true reciprocity? Ask yourself these questions and then answer them honestly and do not cover for bad behaviors...just speak the truth and let it fly so you can analyze everything to make informed decisions for yourself.

Cheers, best wishes and happy holidays!

-SC-

[Marrwen]

Thank you SinisterComplex, I decided to make a new year's resolution and take care and address my own wounds so that I can heal and leave the toxicity of this relationship and be prepared for another one once I am healthier and stronger. I made my decision.

Thank you so much, it really helped me to read your perspective.

Happy new year!

[SinisterComplex]

You are very welcome and always feel free to check back. Whatever direction the decision...I am one who likes to see everyone succeed. I prefer success stories. As my signature states "Through Adversity There is Redemption."

I wish you a phenomenal year this year.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-