How Does One Escape When There’s A Episode?

[OldestDaughter]

So how does one handle someone who is on mean rampage but there’s no easy escape?

After several days of non-stop sweetness, Mom wrecked our Christmas Eve restaurant dinner with her manic, loud, non-stop talking and angry, mean comments at anyone who tried to interject a comment of their own. At one point she was loudly holding forth on the Kardashian women’s “obsession with black men” and when my sister tried to point out the family of color  at the next table she really blew up, proclaiming (loudly), DO NOT EVER SHUSH ME! HOW DARE YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER WITH SUCH DISRESPECT! IF I EVER TRIED TO SHUSH MY MOTHER I WOULD BE ASHAMED. ASHAMED!

She even chewed out the waitress when she started to clear some of the plates from the table when all but my mom had finished eating at least 30 minutes earlier.

Because I saw the wildness in her eyes and could see that something was clearly misfiring in her brain, I really did have compassion and didn’t take it personally. She’s also 84 years old (although this problem has been ongoing since she was in her fifties.)

So what does one do when they are in the middle of a meal at a restaurant and this crap starts up? I once tried leaving, but my mom had no way home so I told her I’d wait for her in the car. I waited for more than TWO HOURS and finally had to go back inside and get her.

She seems to have a way of starting things up when she knows I’m trapped. On a long drive in the country, at a nice expensive restaurant once the meal has been served, etc.

Any advice?

[Methuen]

Hi Oldestdaughter

At one point she was loudly holding forth on the Kardashian women’s “obsession with black men” and when my sister tried to point out the family of color  at the next table she really blew up, proclaiming (loudly), DO NOT EVER SHUSH ME! HOW DARE YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER WITH SUCH DISRESPECT! IF I EVER TRIED TO SHUSH MY MOTHER I WOULD BE ASHAMED. ASHAMED!

Slightly different context, but the same words were uttered by my mother.  She followed it though by telling me how I ALWAYS make her feel bad about herself.

This kind of thinking is so disordered, it will never change.  My mom is 83.  I empathize with your experience.

My solution is to not put myself in those situations anymore, where I can avoid it.  I will still meet my mom in a quiet coffee shop to visit, where it's easier to get up and leave if I need to, but I wouldn't eat out in a formal setting anymore, where I can't leave the situation.

At home I still invite my mom to dinner (we go pick her up and drive her home), but only family is present if she is there.  One time we invited a joint family friend to dinner to give our son the opportunity to ask him about his job as it was a field our son was interested in exploring.  Because the guest was also a friend of my mom's I invited her too, but I had made it known that we were inviting this guest so our son could talk to him about the career/job.  My mom sabatoged the entire dinner by making it about her.  Every time my son and our guest started talking about his job/career, my mom changed the topic.  When I finally turned to her and discreetly reminded her our son and guest wanted to discuss this career, she burst out the way your mother did with your sister in the restaurant.  Although I still invite my mom for dinner, no other guests outside family are ever present.

I call it risk management. 

It's harder inside of a car.  My mom recently rampaged at me when I was driving her to a much needed doctor's appointment.  It's hard to find a good natural consequence in that situation.  I DON'T make myself available for all her needs for a ride.  I'm also learning to set boundaries.  After the appointment was over, and I returned her safely inside her house, I told her that blaming me for all her pain because of her falls was hurtful, destructive to our relationship, and emotionally abusive.  Then I went LC for a couple of weeks, which gave her space to self-sooth.
She did.

It's not really advice, but I find with this board that reading other people's shares is validating, and also gives me ideas for how to cope with my own situation. 

Not sure if this helps, but it's all I have at the moment.

It's sure hard dealing with our mom's isn't it? 

To top it off, my mom keeps dropping hints telling me how other people tell her she should come live with us, so we can take care of her.

I don't know what to do with that.  Has your mom pulled that one yet?

 

[OldestDaughter]

Oh my heavens, your reply is such a gift to me; are you sure we don’t have the same mom? The inability to tolerate any conversation that isn’t about her is absolutely spot-on!

Thank you for the reminder to control the environment as much as possible to avoid getting trapped.

I am very lucky to have escaped the “I want to live with you” demand. I’d told her before in no uncertain terms that if she moved in, my husband would move out,, but it was never settled in her mind. Then, when she fell and broke her hip, she knew she couldn’t just go straight home once she was released from rehab. I found a place that offered a month-by-month lease and offered that to her “just until she feels strong enough to go home.” Three years later, and she likes it and is still there.

It’s breaking my bank (about a third of my take home pay) but luckily my husband works so we manage. And he’s fine with the expense because he knows it’s the only way to save both our sanity!

Thank you so much for sharing your story!