BPD Mom-Your Thoughts?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone,

I find myself missing my mom and feeling very sad about it. She has undiagnosed BPD, as I've previously posted about. In my early years, there were the anger issues but she was still pretty sane and loving then. She now is a shell and a person, whom I feel obligated to look after. However, I can not stand to be around her for more than a few hours. I feel sad and bad for even saying that but it's the truth. My mother is not here anymore. I try to explain it to people and I was sitting here wondering if any of you see it like this: Having someone with mental illness feels worse than watching them die of cancer, etc. I've been through both. I feel if someone is in pain and dying of a physical sickness, it's pretty certain there is peace coming for them soon as they pass. However, watching someone you love deteriorate from mental illness is watching them die a slow and painful death for many years. I don't know how any of us have stayed sane and function in life. Just wondering if anyone else understands what how I see it?

[Sad4Her]

Hi Everyone,

I find myself missing my mom and feeling very sad about it. She has undiagnosed BPD, as I've previously posted about. In my early years, there were the anger issues but she was still pretty sane and loving then. She now is a shell and a person, whom I feel obligated to look after. However, I can not stand to be around her for more than a few hours. I feel sad and bad for even saying that but it's the truth. My mother is not here anymore. I try to explain it to people and I was sitting here wondering if any of you see it like this: Having someone with mental illness feels worse than watching them die of cancer, etc. I've been through both. I feel if someone is in pain and dying of a physical sickness, it's pretty certain there is peace coming for them soon as they pass. However, watching someone you love deteriorate from mental illness is watching them die a slow and painful death for many years. I don't know how any of us have stayed sane and function in life. Just wondering if anyone else understands what how I see it?

[zachira]

I am sad for the circumstances that bring you and all of us here that share similar heartbreaks with a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD died last year. You are feeling a lot of sadness and pain over seeing your mother with uBPD deteriorate as she ages. You are doing the right thing for yourself by limiting your time with her. I hope I am not hijacking your post by talking a bit about the last years of my mother with BPD. I feel terribly sad that you have to witness the last years of your mother's life being the way she is. I barely saw my mother with BPD the last few years of her life, and could never have any kind of reciprocal conversation with her. I so much longed to be the loving daughter with a loving caring mother that I wanted to and could do everything to make her final years as peaceful and loving as I could. To this day I feel sad, though not guilty, about not being able to help my mother stop being her own worst enemy. My kind caring brother died from cancer, and though painful, we had the chance to say goodbye in so many loving ways, and even though I miss him, I am at peace with my many fine memories of him. On the other hand, my mother passing away was mostly a relief, yet I often feel sad though not guilty I could not be there as much as I would have been in her final years if she had been a safe person for me to be around. So yes, I do think you are right that for most of us it would be much more painful and sad to witness a mentally ill mother in her final years deteriorate instead of a person slowly dying of cancer. You are experiencing so many losses as you watch your mother with uBPD die. The sad part is you have to protect yourself by limiting how much time you spend with your mother. I am wondering how you are dealing with the agony of missing the good parts of your mother while witnessing and remembering certain behaviors of your mother that hurt your heart and soul. What are the things that help you to feel better while grieving the loss of your mother you once had and the one you never had?

[Mata]

I try to explain it to people and I was sitting here wondering if any of you see it like this: Having someone with mental illness feels worse than watching them die of cancer, etc. I've been through both. I feel if someone is in pain and dying of a physical sickness, it's pretty certain there is peace coming for them soon as they pass. However, watching someone you love deteriorate from mental illness is watching them die a slow and painful death for many years. I don't know how any of us have stayed sane and function in life. Just wondering if anyone else understands what how I see it?

Yes, I absolutely understand this.  I've thought the same thing about my mom and her mental illnesses.  When I was younger I used to say I wish she had cancer instead of BPD, at least with cancer there is treatment, and if that fails, then there is an end to the suffering.  With BPD, its feels like endless torment. 

[Sad4Her]

Thank you Zakira. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone when I hear other similar stories. Although, I wish no one else in the world had to go through this. I am starting to feel so much anxiety again because my mom is coming to live nearby and will rely on me, yet again. However, I had no choice but to find her somewhere close. At the rate her mental and physical state is breaking down, I could never travel back and forth an hour to fight with her to go to doctors, etc. I have to just come to terms with the fact that this will be my life. It's so sad that we wish for them to go so we can have peace. I don't know what's worse, dealing with them or dealing with the guilt of wishing them to move on.

[Sad4Her]

Mata,

I remember saying the same thing!

[Methuen]

Sadforher,

At the rate her mental and physical state is breaking down, I could never travel back and forth an hour to fight with her to go to doctors, etc.

I used to do this with my mom too.  I would try and "convince" her to see the "sense" in something. For example, for years she would "complain" to me about all her health ailments.  I always suggested letting me go with her to the Dr. so I could advocate for her.  Every visit with me, she would complain of the same problems (usually her stomach), but every time she went to the doctor nothing happened.  I honestly believe now that she never brought these problems up with him, but was needing to make ME responsible for making her feel better instead.  That's the emotional enmeshment piece.  Another example:  mom is 84 and extremely frail.  She falls, and cracks her bones.  Then she's in a wheelchair, etc etc. After her falls, she expects me to wait on her hand and foot, except no matter how hard I exhaust myself trying, I never do it well enough, and her pain after a fall somehow becomes my fault).  It became hell (we live 7 min away from each other). She was 110% resistant to anything I offered as a suggestion that was meant to be helpful.   It was high conflict.  It was hopeless, because she was never going to change, and I felt helpless, because I could only watch it all happen.  I became more and more distressed over the years, until I felt like I was beginning to disintegrate.

My point:  I wouldn't "fight" with her about anything.  Eventually she will eat you up and spit you out.  I didn't even realize how bad it was getting, because it was gradual enough (over years), I just always adapted to the "new normal" of our deteriorating relationship, which was slowly escalating (after my dad died).  My mom is uBPD, acute uADHD, uPTSD, and eating disordered amongst other things.  When it got to crazy for me to stay sane, I knew I had to change how I reacted to her, to save myself.  "Me" was getting lost, also resentful, angry, and without a life.  My mom always refused to see a counsellor throughout her life.  That was her choice, which has huge consequences for me (and my H).

Maybe I'm wrong in what I'm reading between the lines, but I hear "resignation" when you say "you couldn't travel back and forth for an hour to fight with her to go to doctors".  It sounds like you are expecting fights.  Forgive me if I am reading that wrong.  If I've got it right though, my advice is to not fight  with her about anything. That mindset of resignation will undoubtedly lead to unhappiness, eventually.  Instead, if she won't go to see a doctor, you could say something like "I can see that is hurting you mom.  You must  be scared.  A doctor could help you with that.  I could go with you if you would like some support at the doctors office.  But it's up to you to decide if you wish to see a doctor."  Then just accept her decision, and let her sit with it.  You are offering a solution.  It's up to her whether or not to try it.  I was a broken record with my mom for about 5 years in offering to go to the doctor with her.  What interrupted that habit for my mom, was another fall, and an epic crisis with her health, and with our relationship.  Like you say, watching them deteriorate is painful.

Be prepared to watch her make bad decisions.  It's inevitable.  I just always keep reminding myself it's her life, and her choices.  But it's torture to watch someone you care about and love, make bad decisions that can lead to bad outcomes.  However, I don't think there is any other way.  Because "trying to convince" someone with disordered thinking is hopeless.  It's high conflict.  You will eventually become exhausted, and neither of you will have gained anything positive at the end of the day.  I've come to believe that it's better for everyone if we "nons" just "let go" of trying to fix them and their problems.  Perhaps they see it as controlling.  I don't know.

My mother is not here anymore.

I hear you.  For me, acceptance of that truth, is slowly letting me move on.  It's a grieving process.  And it's really really hard.   My husband and I would like to move away to a warmer climate.  But we're stuck here because of our obligation to my mom.  At a frail 84, moving away would truly be abandoning her, and she would never want to move to a new destination.  It's really hard not to be resentful.  All her sisters are in their 90's, and her dad lived until he was 99.  

I have to just come to terms with the fact that this will be my life. It's so sad that we wish for them to go so we can have peace.

Have you thought about how you are going to look after yourself?

[zachira]

I hope I am not being self serving by telling another story of mine. I have many relatives with BPD. My cousin who I believe had BPD had an infected leg for many years. She periodically would go to the doctor to get the infected leg taken care of and then the leg would get infected again, which stared another round of an endless list of family members and friends trying to get her to see a doctor. I volunteered to drive her to appointments while I was in town to give relief to other family members. One day, I took her to some appointments, and afterwards she wanted to thank me by inviting me for lunch. I told her that the best way to thank me would be to go to the doctor to get her leg taken care of.  She immediately agreed to go to the doctor and went. The family was singing my praises. I don't think I did anything special, it was just the right moment and time. Is there someone your mother is more likely to listen to you than you? I know my mother was totally threatened by any suggestions from her children to do anything.

[Sad4Her]

Methuen,
I hear you. Trust me, I try not to fight with her but she brings it out in people. Even a saint would fight with her. Therapy has helped me cope but nothing will ever stop it except separating myself completely.