Unwanted Child of Undiagnosed Borderline Parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

My mother recently told me that I was an accidental pregnancy and she wished she had aborted me. For years the parents have been insisting that I am to blame for their irresponsible and impulsive behaviors and send me to therapy. As long as I am pretty and well-behaved and fake about my feelings (suppressing emotions or having them at all), they take credit for what God did. My most recent therapist said that I exhibited all the traits not of a Borderline Personality Disorder patient, but of the child of a Borderline Mother. This is the first time anyone has seen my position as the child clearly. Both parents refuse to admit the possibility of weakness whatsoever on a regular basis. I have asked for family counseling over and over. Despite being unwanted, I do love the people who raised me.

[Brandi]

Hello,

My mother recently told me that I was an accidental pregnancy and she wished she had aborted me. For years the parents have been insisting that I am to blame for their irresponsible and impulsive behaviors and send me to therapy. As long as I am pretty and well-behaved and fake about my feelings (suppressing emotions or having them at all), they take credit for what God did. My most recent therapist said that I exhibited all the traits not of a Borderline Personality Disorder patient, but of the child of a Borderline Mother. This is the first time anyone has seen my position as the child clearly. Both parents refuse to admit the possibility of weakness whatsoever on a regular basis. I have asked for family counseling over and over. Despite being unwanted, I do love the people who raised me.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place for support and understanding as there are many members on this site who have a mother with BPD. Being an unwanted child and being told so by your mother is like a dagger to the heart. (This happened to me.) You are taking the steps to feel better and not be so affected by how your parents are behaving by being in therapy with a therapist that understands how children are affected by a mother with BPD, and a father that participates in blaming the child for the parents' behaviors. It is understandable that you do love your parents as we only get one set of parents. Would you say that you are capable of loving your parents whereas they don't have the capacity to love and nurture a child? Can you tell us more about the relationship with your father?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Brandi! 

I'm so glad you decided to become a member of our family here! You definitely belong here, and we understand, truly.

My uBPDm often said she wished that us kids (my siblings and I) had never been born, so I get it, those awful hurtful words. Sometimes I found that my heart had become so calloused to the hurt that I wasn't aware of how much pain was actually hidden inside of me. On occasion I would be brave enough to tell a friend what my mom had said, and the shock and wide eyed look on their face, plus the empathy and depth of compassion they showed me would nearly be my undoing. I had learned to brush it off. The reality was that such comments are not healthy, normal, or good for us. I'm glad you are in T; I am as well.

It sounds as if you have a pretty good T if they recognize that you are the child of a pwBPD. Many of us have wondered if we have BPD ourselves, but usually we are merely projecting some of the traits that we grew up with that were projected onto us. The survival skills we learned as children were learned behavior to keep us safe. If it was learned, we can unlearn it, thankfully, and begin to bring healthier life skills into our daily interactions with others as well as ourselves.

Do you have any siblings?

 
Wools

[Methuen]

As long as I am pretty and well-behaved and fake about my feelings (suppressing emotions or having them at all), they take credit for what God did.

I recently realized that the support I got from my mom (pressure actually) to be a good student and do well at music, was never about me, but it was important to her because my success was really about bringing her attention.  It was always about her.  It was HER child who got awards, because of HER.  She would brag about me, although she said she didn't brag.  The narrative was always that I only achieved what I did because of her.  She thrived over the attention any of my successes brought her.  I didn't figure that out until I was 57.  Head in the sand before then.  When you wrote "they take credit for what God did", it kind of made me think of that.  You sound younger than my 57, so I think it's great that you've got a good head start into sorting all this stuff out earlier than I did.

My mother recently told me that I was an accidental pregnancy and she wished she had aborted me. For years the parents have been insisting that I am to blame for their irresponsible and impulsive behaviors and send me to therapy.

 

So this is nasty stuff.  I am really glad you have a T, and one who "gets it".  The fact that she told you that you are the daughter of a borderline, and not BPD yourself, is encouraging because there are some T's who don't get it.  What do you think of your T?