Some background info

[Simon T.]

My wife has shown signs of abuse and manipulation over the years. It was all so very subtle. She has said some very horrible things to me, such as I should have gotten out of the hospital bed and leave when I needed medical attention and such as I should be seeing another woman, because she is so very busy. She has been manipulative trying to convince me that my own daughters are selfish when they truly are not.

For the past few months, she has been somewhat nice, although I truly do not trust this lull period, because this has been an ongoing cycle, if you will. I am angry with myself with being too patient, not really very assertive to keep up boundaries as to what I take in or not.

You can say I should not look at this nice period as waiting for the next round of abuse and manipulation, but it is hard.

I am very active physically by exercising, by still working, and I am enjoying a lot of what I do. I do see my daughters, although one lives very, very far away and my other one lives in another state. So, I see her and her family a little more frequently.

I have seen a counselor over the years basically to cope and to help me become a little assertive, although that is hard for me to do, because I respect everyone, including my wife, and I believe in tact instead of being overly assertive and angry at her or anyone else. I had parents who would argue all the time, and that only created much hardship on them and a lot of fear in me.

So, I am looking for guidance from you folks.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Simon! Welcome!

You've come to the right place. Your story is familiar to many of us around here.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things. You've been seeing a counselor. You stay active and engaged in activities you enjoy. You keep up relationships with your daughters.

It is hard not to view happy times with skepticism, especially when you know the cycle. But I don't know that it's wrong to be wary. Don't let your wariness keep you from enjoying the good times, but I think it's good to be aware that this could be temporary.

I understand about not being assertive, about respecting everyone and being conflict-avoidant. That's me all over.

What are you wanting to be more assertive about? What sorts of boundaries are you wanting to implement?