My udBPDbf suicided. I'm so sad and everything is a mess.

[Pipedreamer25]

TW: Suicide

Things were getting better for a while then they got way worse.  He kept pushing me away I kept trying to get him help.   He missed three rehab appointments in a row (some by accident, some on purpose).   On NYE we had a big awful fight and he was really mean to me.   I cried and cried whilst he gave me the silent treatment he packed up and He left without saying anything.   He came back late news years day apologised for everything and he was the different version of himself.  He said he needed me.  I told him we needed a break for a week that he couldn't keep treating me like this.   He agreed to stay with a friend for three days, I would go to my family's for three days.

On the second day he came back from his friends said that he couldn't do without me.  I put my foot down and said I needed space.  I drove him to a hotel.   I messaged him when I left for my parents saying that he could come back to our house and we would talk when I got back.

I messaged him letting him know what time I would be back but didn't hear anything.   I was anxious but not too worried.   He would always tell me when he was at risk.   I came home to find him the bath tub.  I'm so sad and in shock and so sad.  Everything is so messy.   His mother has NPD,  I just can't deal with anything.   I can't eat, sleep or think,  all I do is cry.   I miss him so much and I can't help but blame myself.   The one time I felt really confident setting a boundary... It hurts and it hurts.   

 

[Harri]

Hi Pipedreamer. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  We are here and can listen and support you as you process this.

 

[JNChell]

Pipedreamer25, I’m sorry. We are here for you. If anything at all, what do you want to say? We’re listening.

[SinisterComplex]

There are no words to ease the pain. This is so unfortunate. All I can say is that I along with many others are here to support you the best we all can. Please be kind to yourself and please do the best you can to take care of yourself in this difficult time. I sincerely and truly wish you the best moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Panda39]

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You're right it is terribly sad.  Take care of you.

 

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you all so Kindly.   It's such an awful shock.   He left things so messy too,   cutting off from friends, painted me so black and then so white.   I just miss him,  I miss our good moments.   I loved him so dearly

[once removed]

how unimaginably awful.

how are you holding up? i hope you will lean hard on your support group in this most difficult time.

[Pipedreamer25]

I feel completely broken, I miss him.  I can't believe this  has happened. I feel sick

[I Am Redeemed]

   I'm so sorry. That's a very horrible thing to discover and so devastating. Please try to be kind to yourself now, one moment at a time.

Are you staying with your parents momentarily, or are you back in the home? Do you have supportive friends and family?

We're here for you.

[Cat Familiar]

So incomprehensibly difficult.   Be aware of your breath and when you realize you’re holding it, remember to breathe deeply. Let the sorrow wash over you and retreat, like waves in the ocean. It’s incredibly painful now, but it won’t always be this intense. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Take time to get away in nature, if you can. Do things you enjoy. Read a favorite book. Spend time with good friends. Watch a funny movie.  

Cat

[Mutt]

Hi Pipedreamer25,

I’m sorry for your loss 

[CoherentMoose]

Oh my goodness.  So sorry for your loss.  jdc

[Vincenta]

Dear Pipedreamer,

So sorry for your loss! 

Where are you now? Are you alone or with your friends/ family?
You really should not be alone right now, so hope you have friends/ family you could reach out. Do you have support there?

This must be a horrible shock, so first things first, you must seek support. But remember that we are also here for you!
Please try to drink plenty of water. Please try to also eat something, even a little bit of bread would do.

Dear Pipedreamer, please remember that BPD is a very serious mental disorder. You are *not * responsible for his choices.
And  your boundary was *not* a reason for his choice.

A very big comforting hug from afar to you,

Please keep on posting. We are here to help you through this traumatic times,

Vincenta

[Vincenta]

Dear Dreampiper,

Forgot to ask : do you have a therapist?
Did he have one?

This is the time when you really should seek for professional help, too.

 

Vincenta

[Pipedreamer25]

My regular therapist moved away over six months ago and I didn't find a new one.  Things were okay then.   The police have put in referrals for grief counselling.    I'm at my parents house and they are being supportive.   It's just a hard thing for them to understand,   the relationship was so hot and cold these last few months.   When I was away and he hadn't returned any of my phone calls for a day I wasn't too worried because that was normal when he was angry or paranoid but then I hadn't heard for two days.  I hate myself for not doing something earlier,  it is really eating me up.   The police said it's unclear whether it was an accidental or deliberate overdose and that fact is destroying me.  IF I had been with him, he could still be here.   I hate myself so much.     I had been able to help him so many other times when he was suicidal. I'd always manage to get him help.    I'm so sad you guys, I feel so lost. 

[itsmeSnap]

Just letting you know there's one more person on the other side of the screen.

You did your best for a long time, you did literally save his life many times over. That, to me, is something special and valuable in you.

We're here, standing guard to support you in these difficult times...

[Lloyd Christmaz]

I dont know if you can private message but I work with people who have lost a loved on to suicide. I lost my BPD bio mom when I was 11 years old. I can help find resources if you can message me privately.

[Kwamina]

Hi Pipedreamer25,

I am very sorry you lost your boyfriend in such a tragic manner. Losing a loved one already is very hard, and suicide adds another layer of sadness. This is a very very difficult way to start the new year. I am glad you posted about what happened and came back to your support group here. Your parents find it hard to understand it all, but I am glad they are being supportive because that's very important when you've just experienced such a tragic and also traumatic event.

You currently don't have a therapist, but the police did provide you referrals for grief counseling. We have a resource here that can help you as you try to process what has happened and try to move on from here:
Recovery from Suicide Loss

It is a self-help handbook for people who have lost a loved one through suicide. It is meant as an additional resource you can utilize, but not meant to replace the specialized advice of qualified health care professionals: "Suicide loss is psychologically and physically traumatic. You should see your health care provider as soon as possible after your loss."

Here are some excerpts from the booklet:

Losing someone that you loved or cared for to suicide is the absolute worse loss that anyone can endure. No one is prepared for it and only those who have experienced it can know what it involves and how it feels.
 
This handbook provides some basic information for those who are bereaved by a suicide. It is based on the self-help philosophy of Survivors of Suicide (SOS).  It covers topics frequently discussed at SOS support group meetings and concepts from the suicide loss literature.
 
We have used a question and answer format because the grief journey that a suicide loss sets you on is often driven by a search for answers. This booklet can be read in order of the questions that most interest you.
…..
You can’t get back to who you were before your loss. A suicide, to some degree, changes those that it affects. However, you can get to a different normal, a “new normal.”  You will always feel your loss, but you can move beyond its abnormal consequences. That is what recovery is all about. Recovery is a process of learning to deal with each day’s challenges. It is adding coping skills, and to getting to where you are living with your grief rather than only grieving. Self-help aids recovery.

It will take time to process this. It is a very sad reality that certain people with BPD have suicidal tendencies and in some cases end up actually committing suicide, whether intentional or by accident. When dealing with disordered individuals, it is crucial to have boundaries, to protect oneself and preserve one's own well-being. If our own wellbeing suffers, our capacity to help others would also suffer. His tragic suicide, is not a result of your actions, it is a result of his own difficult thoughts and emotions which he was not able to manage. You did a lot to help him, but ultimately his difficult thoughts and emotions were not something you could control. Knowing this on a rational level is one thing, but of course this does not take away that it can still very much hurt on an emotional level.

Take care and wishing you peace and strength as you come to terms with this difficult loss

The Board Parrot

[Pipedreamer25]

 

Guys I'm not good today,  I can't stop panicking.   I'm trying to do all the things but I'm just a wreck.   I have to make contact with his parents today to figure out what's going on with the funeral and the coroner.  I never spoke to his parents before.   He was estranged from them as they were horrifically abusive to him.   I'm scared to speak to them.   I'm so angry at them but I think I need to speak to them.   I'm also scared about the funeral, I don't know if it will be supportive.   only one of his friends has reached out to me and I'm sure the rest hate me.  it's complicated and messy.  when he had an episode he would declare his love to anyone that would listen and then would retract it later.  I'm scared of potentially being around all of the people and having everything further complicated.  I just miss him.  I can't believe I'll never see him again.   I can't believe that this happened

[Vincenta]

Dear Pipedreamer,

  Did you start the grief counseling already? It is very important that you will get professional support ASAP.

You might also want to send a private message to  Lloyd Christmas in order to check other possible resources.

When contacting the family of your partner, you should focus on the practicalities only and keep the conversation as short as possible.

Please seek the professional help for yourself,

And keep on posting! You are not alone.

Hugs,

Vincenta

[SweetLife]

Oh Pipedreamer, I am so very sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now. Please remember, you cannot watch a person 24/7.  The goal, when helping people with BPD, is they help themselves. He unfortunately made a rash decision. As much as we would like to protect our loved bpd ones from everything, we just can’t. We are human, you are human, you did your very best!  Please do not blame yourself. Please surround yourself with people who love and support you. Many churches offer grief support groups. Please take care of yourself and come here for support. My heart breaks for you! You will heal from this.

[Mommydoc]

Pipedreamer, this is truly one of the hardest things to live through.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you are with your parents and getting support, but please also seek professional help.  To heal as a survivor of  a loved ones suicide will require self compassion and lots of support over time.   Please recognize that this is  not your fault, he was in a lot of emotional pain and you setting a boundary was not the reason.  One of my friends lost her brother to suicide last week, unfortunately the holidays often trigger suicidal thoughts in those at risk. So sad. Take it one day at a time and continue to reach out for support. Hugs!

[Turkish]

Pipedreamer25,

We can torture ourselves over "what ifs?" You're going through a lot of conflicting emotions with your grief, and that's to be expected. This is shocking and hurtful on many levels.  Do you think you could handle being at the funeral if you may be isolated without support?

I also PMed you local recources that might be different than what you've been offered...

Tutors

[Teddy007]

I am so sorry for this, we are all her for you. This is truly terrible. But never ever blame yourself. I know this is hard and understand your pain but in this time you must try to be kind to yourself. It is of the most important.

Big hugs, we are all here for you!

[Stillhopeful4]

Pipedreamer25,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.      

SH4

[thrownaway2]

I'm terribly sorry. Terribly sorry.

I recently lost someone to suicide as well. My mother and first girlfriend were both borderline and bipolar. I feel so much disappointment in how different my life would have been had I simply escaped and not dated that first girlfriend. In my case the person who committed suicide was a healthier partner I dated several years later. We broke up a year ago and today my most recent partner is showing the usual signs of emotional volatility... Nobody can imagine the immense regret and pain I feel to know that I could have helped save someone, but instead I abandoned her to repeat my past mistakes.


There is nothing I can possibly say that would change how you feel. I just wish I could give you a hug. If you ever feel like you are in a crisis, then please reach out to hotlines and your local community crisis centers to create a plan for moving forward. I have reached out to local hospice agencies, which offer grief counseling. There are also support groups that are accessible through NAMI's website.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you so much for all your support.    I'm so sorry for your loss throwaway2.    I'm not having a good day today.   I have to start planning the funeral,  I have no money for this.   I'm going to have to meet with his parents for the first time soon.   He never wanted me to meet them.   They were abusive in his childhood.   I'm scared that this is going to be a huge event with lots of people I don't know.   People he probably painted me black too.   It's just so painful.  And it's only just really hitting me now that he's gone that I'll never see him again, never get so speak to him,  hold him, kiss him, make him laugh.   My heart is just so broken today.   

[Turkish]

How did you end up in the role of planning the funeral? How much support from his family are you getting?

[Pipedreamer25]

His family are taking over the role of planning the funeral.   They have asked me what my wishes are. They will make an appointment with a funeral director.  I am his next of kin.    We were together for six years, with some breaks, but the past three years we were together.   The coroner named me person of interest.   I just don't have the strength to plan the funeral.   I feel like I'm letting him down.   

[Turkish]

His family are taking over the role of planning the funeral.   They have asked me what my wishes are.

This is what families are for, to support and come together 

Take them at their word and help as you can. You all are grieving.