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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: When does crying end? Time table for healing?  (Read 949 times)
Lifeinthefastlane
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« on: January 10, 2020, 01:43:26 AM »

When does the crying stop? After almost 3 yr relationship, She dumped me  by phone 10 seconds after telling me she had cancer 2.5 months ago.  Have stopped contacting her 3 weeks ago.  Still miss her and her 2 little girls so much. Never had chance to say good bye to them. I know the relationship was full of gaslighting, rage, emotional abuse,  but also many happy memories esp with her kids(one who was just 1.5 yrs old when I met her).

I don’t know how to do this-to let go. I stillcry almost every day. All pics/items out of house but still I’m so sad. Please tell me at least how your timetable went in healing (eg 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months out?) at least the  i can see a path?

Some info about recent events:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342128.msg13095124#msg13095124
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« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2020, 02:34:19 AM »

i had crying jags after my relationship ended. they occurred every day.

often what happened was after about 30 minutes to an hour after waking up, id have an anxiety attack that would last for several hours...4-8. when id come down a bit from that, a crying jag would start up.

it went on for some months.

one of the best things i did was check out some herbal supplements. passion flower in particular worked really well for me. really nipped the anxiety attacks in the bud.

you may be experiencing depression, as 70-80 percent of members here are. you may also be going through what another member suggested to me, where you were experiencing a lot of adrenaline during the relationship, and now that youre out of it, its coming out full force. its hard to say. but there are a lot of things that can help you cope.

the one thing i wished id understood at the time was to let myself feel everything. to cry as often as i needed to cry. that struggling didnt equal weakness on my part. there are extremes, where checking out some supplements or seeing your doctor can make a big difference and help you to function, but for the most part, i found, fully grieving the relationship was the way through.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2020, 10:58:38 AM »

So first there is no one size fits all. To say just get over it and move on would be foolish. It is ok to cry. However, you also have to at some point realize you are in control and you can stop it. The mind is the most powerful thing in existence. Letting yourself grieve is important, but then you also have to pick yourself back up and train your mind to heal and move on. You decide when enough is enough. Take the time you need and do not compare yourself to others...it is different for all of us.

If you need some extra help I would personally recommend not only finding a new hobby to throw yourself into but to also maybe add in some adaptogenic herbs. My personal favorites are Suma Root, Rhodiola Rosea, and Ashwagandha. Typically I will use all 3 in unison and it makes me feel like a million bucks.

Now please note...I highly recommend these kind of herbs because there will be no rebound after you are done taking them. When you are getting into supplementation you have to be careful because some supplements have a tendency to cause rebound after stopping usage. For example...Relora is typically used for cortisol reduction...I do not personally recommend Relora because it is a notorious track record for rebound symptoms. Additionally, you must give yourself 7-10 days for the effects of any natural herbal supplement to really kick in because they are endogenuous and not exogenuous (hormonal based drugs...i.e. steroids).


Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2020, 12:11:22 AM »

Thanks Once Removed and Sinister Complex for your helpful replies. I’m trying. It helps to know that it will end hopefully soon. Honestly I’m so sick of the crying. I understand from my Therapist that its a lot of emotions repressed from a lot of emotional abuse in the relationship and in my past.

I just still cant believe the callousness of how she ended it so quickly and didnt even want to see me. I find now I’m sick with bronchitis and still having so much trouble sleeping. I’m on a number of meds so I’m not sure about the interactions with supplements. My doc gave me hydroxyphine for anti-anxiety to help me sleep before bed but then I feel so worn out the next day.

How do you “train your mind to heal and move on”? How do I let go? I am trying to say a different words when I think of her just to get my brain to stop ruminating. I’ve removed all the items from where I live and disconnected all the social media connections. I’m very tired and still trying to donthings but I miss her when I’m with my friends. I’m drinking too but not while i’m on certain meds.

I’m now 77 days (2.5 months)post break up and 30 days no contact. Once removed, thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps to get some general ideas as to what the path is like. For how many months did the crying happen? Can you tell me how you handled the anxiety for 4-8 hrs? I
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2020, 05:00:19 PM »

Again, everyone will be different. You have to learn to focus on yourself and seek internal validation, not external. You have the power. Basically, do what you enjoy doing. What passions have you left on the back burner? What is something you have always wanted to do but never took the steps necessary to make happen? Essentially what you have to do is to use classic case misdirection and force your mind to be consumed with something else. So I suggest you find a passion you truly love and are intrigued with and then let it consume you because it will be something constructive as opposed to destructive.

I would also recommend maybe starting a journal or something so you get your thoughts down on paper or type onto a computer. The reason why is that when your thoughts are given physical form you can analyze things more clearly and you most likely start thinking to yourself...man why didn't I think of this sooner? You will always be your own best therapist and critic if you go about it the right way.

Cheers and best wishes!

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« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2020, 02:53:42 AM »

Lifeinthefastlane, when i came here, a member (Schwing) told me they suspected that i was operating on a lot of adrenaline during my relationship. boy, was i. its likely you were too.

when the relationship ends, that doesnt just go away, it takes a real toll on the body and it manifests in other ways. it does get better, it absolutely does, but the body has to adjust. there are ways to help that process...working out, supplements/meds are great, the member i referred to even suggested i spray myself with cold water a couple of times a day to give my body a dose of what would normally instill adrenaline.

Excerpt
I find now I’m sick with bronchitis and still having so much trouble sleeping.

these things will take a toll too. good sleep really makes an incredible difference, and everything sucks when youre sick.

Excerpt
How do you “train your mind to heal and move on”? How do I let go?

letting go is as "simple" as accepting that the relationship is over (which is to say, not so simple). when i lost my dad a few years ago, i attended a group called Grief Share, and, even early on, they encouraged us to reach a certain level of acceptance that the person wed lost was gone and not coming back.

they call it "the grieving process" because it is a process, and we all approach it differently, but acceptance is what you want to shoot for. it doesnt mean you necessarily like it, but if you can radically accept it, the other parts of the process  become easier to work within because you arent fighting it. attachment (fighting it) leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom.

you have to experience the pain of loss and grieving in order to emerge from it. and sometimes that may involve embracing the hardest, most painful aspects of the loss as youre able.

crying and missing her are part of grieving. youre experiencing a loss.

Excerpt
I am trying to say a different words when I think of her just to get my brain to stop ruminating. I’ve removed all the items from where I live and disconnected all the social media connections. I’m very tired and still trying to donthings but I miss her when I’m with my friends.

in my experience, fighting ruminations didnt work too well. its kind of like that old adage where someone tells you "dont think of a pink elephant".

the same member who suggested id experienced a lot of adrenaline compared it all to a movie like the sixth sense. your mind is trying to make sense of what youve experienced. when you watch a movie like that, you replay it in your head, trying to figure out what you missed. you watch it again and catch some things. maybe you watch it again and catch more. maybe you watch it several more times until youre satisfied. on some level, youre trying to work this out, and find answers that satisfy you, and thats a process too.

it can, of course, become really intrusive and even debilitating, so it can be good to sort of structure your ruminating...set aside a particular time to do it, journal it, etc. i tended to journal until i had burned myself out. i also posted here a lot, and got good feedback and perspective.

Excerpt
For how many months did the crying happen? Can you tell me how you handled the anxiety for 4-8 hrs? I

rebuilding your life is a really critical part of the grieving process. regaining a sense of routine and normalcy. i struggled with that, and id probably have had an easier time if i hadnt. so the crying went on for some months, though at a certain point, it was more about feeling sorry for myself. the anxiety i had to ride out...i posted here, and i used a lot of healthy distractions like video games.

its been nearly ten years now, Litfl, and today its all very old news, and one day, it will be for you too. one of the most important things that helped me to get there was to have faith in the process, and to have confidence that i would get through it, i would emerge stronger, and i would go on to greater things; i believed that even at my worst. the other was to fully, completely grieve the relationship, and not fight it, because thats really the way through.
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« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2020, 09:17:26 AM »

Was married 18 years..  the acute sadness took 12 months.  Then I got to 24 months feeling better.  Now at 48 months it is a gentle undercurrent of a sadness that shows every now and then but then passes after a moment. 

Once I was able to let go of the false hope, the unrealized dreams, I started healing.  

I think what is hard is that there are many times I have to forgive myself and the ex.  For example:   When I have to take kids to school and there she is not there to help...  I need to forgive.  When I have to pay Bill's and my wife is not there to help...
i need to forgive,  when I have good news and my wife is not there to share it with... I need to forgive.  

It is all the little things that come up, where I need to let go of 'my false reality of my hope of a future'  
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2020, 10:10:39 PM »

Thanks Sluggo... for sharing all that. You are inspiring that you can forgive. In the time you were sad, healing, did you date? How was that? 
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« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2020, 10:12:00 PM »

Also-what did you do to get to 1 yr in dealing with the acute sadness? I find myself getting so angry at her? And then sadly I just want to call her?
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« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2020, 10:18:59 PM »

Thanks Sluggo... for sharing all that. You are inspiring that you can forgive. In the time you were sad, healing, did you date? How was that? 

I have not dated since I left in feb 2016. I think I would be open to dating now if kids were not so young.  5 are still at home ...highschool with youngest in kindergarten and 2 if them with special needs and both primarily in wheelchairs. 

It would be too much for me presently. 

 
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« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2020, 10:23:19 PM »

Also-what did you do to get to 1 yr in dealing with the acute sadness? I find myself getting so angry at her? And then sadly I just want to call her?

Exercise, time with friends ( friends I grew up with who remembered how I was as bpd relationship killed.my spirit over the years), more time at work,  family, weekly therapy, posting here, and ramping up of prayer time, netflix, walking dog, and audio books while walking dog.
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2020, 10:25:26 PM »

Once removed,

So very helpful. Been thinking alot about what you said, esp about the adrenaline. Its go go go constant when in a relationship with bpd..never know when its gonna be smooth.

How do you think it manifests in the body? I’m being tested for some serious health issues, and sometimes I find myself so mad that she didnt care.! How could she? She knows and still doesnt call?

Its been 42 days since we spoke last.   I’m so proud for not calling her but I would give anything to hear the woman I fell in love with. But that woman was just a facade.. wasn’t it? Did she know she was fooling me ? Was it conscious how they treat you in the beginning?

Is she hurting at all now? Sadly i now find myself thinking about how much I want her to hurt.

But I just found out she’s probably dating. She just had a double masectomy 6 weeks ago.. how can she be back at it? She broke up with me 6 weeks before the surgery (10 seconds after diagnosis). I want to know that i’m still in her mind, but all i keep thinking is that she erased me. And that is so very hurtful.

I really appreciate all your concrete suggestions.. i’m still ruminating but not as much.. now its so much anger that i write in my journal. I kept the journal during our relationship so there is a lot of documented abuse. I find myself reading over it again and again? And i also recorded her abusive phone calls (b/c she wouldnt remember them and acused me of lying..) is it wrong to listen to those messages a lot? I feel like i have to keep remknding myself she is an abuser? Am i abusing myself?

What do you mean about your experience with normalcy? What was the challenge for you and how did you stop it?

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« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2020, 04:58:30 AM »

But that woman was just a facade.. wasn’t it? Did she know she was fooling me ? Was it conscious how they treat you in the beginning?

i suspect, Litf, that if it was all a facade, you would not be grieving the reality that you are grieving. we dont grieve something that didnt exist.

you loved your partner and she loved you. and the loss of that is really profound.

the question i think, is whether it was ultimately sustainable. the two of you had a lot of turmoil leading up to this.

my ex and i did too. in my grief, at the time, i couldnt really see that. i felt fooled, too.

i think thats at the heart of what hurts so much. someone you were so close to at one time, now youre not at all sure how to read them, no gauge for what theyre thinking or going through. i couldnt see - was afraid to see, that my ex and i, toward the end, were really on completely different pages.

its been some days. how is it going? how are you holding up?
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« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2020, 08:36:34 AM »

The process is something you just have to go with, be patient and feel it out. Don´t be to hard on yourself on the bad days. I am 5+ months out of the nightmare and i have been feeling really down for the last few days. Today i feel better. Just accept it and try to think about it as a win.

It is hard to understand, overcoming the trauma bond and all the panic attacks that comes with it. But as everybody else here says. And i felt like it really really felt impossible that things would get better. But they do. For me right now it just comes and goes, like a bad reminder of sort.

Do feel lonely but i am not ready to date, tried it and it just made matters worse. The most important thing is to focus and take care or yourself. Go to the gym, for long walks, keep your home clean, eat healthy and go out with friends. This was a hard but good lesson in my life, i will never forget it. But one they it will be nothing more but a lesson learned and a memory.

Be strong! Cheers!
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2020, 10:53:46 PM »

Once removed,
Yes it is so hard. I was trying so hard and doing well even after I heard she was dating.  Apparently there is someone whom she calls a “special friend”, and doesn’t want to call a “girlfriend”-not sure why. Thats weird. i’ve never heard her call anyone a “special friend”.

I am grateful for everyone’s advice and took it. I’ve been working out, going out to every lesbian outing there is to make new friends. I’ve made new friends and my energy improved. I was asked out 6-7 times and haven’t been interested,not attracted to any of them. Plus I don’t think it would be fair to start anything with anyone. I’m not a “one night stand person” (though I wish I could be) so thats hard.  I miss the physical intimacy with my ex very much. I have met with a psych and am now on but more meds which helped so much.

But then I learned my ex’s new special friend is someone with 2 young girls. She told a mutual friend that its nice that her girls can play with the other woman’s girls. I keep thinking they are going to go off and get married, I mean thats what my ex wanted right? To be married. I wanted to marry her sadly and was planning it and it hurts me dearly to think that could happen with this woman.

The other problem is timing-it just doesnt make sense. My ex breaks up with me right after being diagnosed with breast cancer, and then has a double masectomy 6 weeks later. Then 5 weeks after that she’s at a party with her special friend. So when did they meet.

Tonight i learned they met 1-2 days before my ex’s surgery which doesnt make sense either based on what I know eas happening 1-2 days before her surgery. So now I’ thinking she had to have started talking to this woman while we were together. That makes me sick to my stomach.

The other thing that really makes me confused is why the heck would my ex be asking about me and my going out to lesbian meetups/bars over the mast few weeks. I haven’t spoken with my ex in 60 days now. Thats a huge accomplishment, but truly I miss her and that makes me sad. I know how abusive this relationship is and still I miss her.
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2020, 10:59:57 PM »

Teddy007,

Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you’ve been going through some tough times. Can you share with me about the trauma bond experience? I’m not sure i understand what that is? How did your 5 months post breakup go? When does it start to get better. I’ve been following your suggestions-thank uou and have been keeping my home clean, eating, working out with a trainer 1/week though haven’t been able to get to the gym. Been asked out but just am not interested. What happened when you started dating? I’m worried. My therapist thinks it’ll take me a year to get to a healthy point again. So all that time lost makes me sad. I dont know what to say to people when I do get asked out. I am grateful though for some new friendships but dont want to lose them b/c i’ m not ready to date. i’d rather have these people as good friends right now and in long run.

By the way all my friends have been now telling me stories about how they didnt like how my ex treated me, nor her energy.
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2020, 12:32:23 AM »

Update:

My ubpdex and I haven’t spoken in 70 days-our break up was 4 months ago. Apparently my ex has been asking my friend about “how I am?” “Have I been going out with friends?” And always telling my friend to say hi to me. My friend is going to tell her that if she wants to talk to me, she can call me.

My ex apparently needs chemo. Doc thinks she is high risk for cancer showing up somewhere in her body, but my ex doesnt want to do it since she’s had the double masectomy and there is no cancer in lymph nodes (all of this has been verified by others that these facts are true).

What do you think my ex might do? What if she contacts me? Of course I would want to be there for her if she needed help. Too many people are dealing with cancer and I’m finding unfortunately life is too short.  I dont want to go back into the romantic relationship, but I don’t think she would want that either. I do think the info from docs has gotten progressively more stressful and concerning, which is why I think she might reach out.

Am I thinking crazy here?
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« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2020, 03:11:37 AM »

What if she contacts me? Of course I would want to be there for her if she needed help.

what would helping her look like to you?
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Lifeinthefastlane
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« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2020, 09:18:02 AM »

Such a good question “Once Removed”..

Initially-I see it as visiting her helping with meals for kids, sitting with her watching TV  when she feels sick (chemo). Maybe driving her to appointments. And helping kids get ready for bed etc..” if she ever did show up or need help, her intentions would be something emotionally-driven (though not explicitly stated).

Now I find myself being triggered into remembering her lies to her friends that shamed me after the breakup, the extensive triangulation I never really “saw” before during our relationship, the mockery she made of my efforts to say goodbyevyo her kids from afar because she wouldn’t see me after breaking up with me by phone, and truly wanting to confront her on what im now wondering were lies. Like If she had set up her new g/f while we were still together? Though my therapist believes the only reason she would show up is because she wants the relationship part again. I def don’t want that

Lately every time  I play her showing up now in my head, I see her coming to my apartment (as happened in past). She comes in. I offer her something to drink. She sits down. I say, “how are you? Why are you here?” She says about her cancer (maybe-she might not go there first until she tests the waters). I would normally say (to anyone) “how can I help?”  But instead i hear me say “(expletive) you” to her. Then she leaves.

I think I want control. As much as I want to yell st her and say even just 1thing about this breakup (i’ve had 0 opportunity to say anything because she manipulated with the cancer), i wonder if keeping my cool would be more hurtful to her? At this point i know i cant keep my cool but if I could, what could I say to make/keep boundary of me not getting hurt? I want her to hurt as sad as that is. I think my losing it is what would make her feel power/control.

I think its truly the 2 girls that makes this so hard for me. I am so angry at her for the damage she did to them in how she controlled/manipulated this breakup.

The main thing here is that i’m not going to call her, but it is possible she may surprisingly show up when I dont expect it. I do think life is too short and her cancer has become serious(verified report viewed by mutual friend), so if she should ever get really bad, I would regret not giving time. (This goes back to my dads actions with me when my mom was dying with cancer and choices I made).




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clvrnn
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« Reply #19 on: February 27, 2020, 12:02:23 PM »

I would like to echo the suggestion provided by someone else in this thread; journalling is helpful in getting thoughts out. I have about 10 empty notebooks that I bought for this purpose - I have already filled 2 of them.

I journal about everything. If I want to make contact with my ex, for example, I write out why I want to, what the outcome will probably be, how I am feeling, etc. Even journal the same things, the same repetitive thoughts. Sometimes I just write her name. Either way, getting it out is cathartic - I can't say it's eradicated the ruminating, but it does often calm the heightened emotions down.
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« Reply #20 on: March 01, 2020, 11:54:22 PM »

Thanks clvrnn!

Journaling has helped me alot. Truth is those notebooks have kept me from wanting “the relationship” again with her. I am still shocked by how abusive it was. I took the notebooks to our couples therapist(just me and the couples therapist) and showed her during our “closing” session. I wanted the T to believe me. Now I wonder if she did? My own T thinks she had to have known my ex was BPD based on how clearly obvious the behaviors were.

Maybe though I will try what you are suggesting-writing out the dilemma if she needs help with chemo or reaches out. 
I’m also struggling with this craving for intimacy with her and I can’t figure that out. I dont want emotional intimacy but the physical part.

Right now I struggle with feeling shame(tho my T says I didnt do anything wrong to be shameful about). I may see my ex at an event next weekend and she may be there with her new g/f. I dont know how to handle this.

I want to own my power and be at the event to support another mutual friend. My other friend will be there so I can sit by my friend. But what if she comes over? What do I do? What I want is to stay strong in my own power and would love to do whatever would be most likely to make her most upset/confused/frustrated. She has played with me too much. But you know she needs chemo (tho she is not wanting it, nor taking her pills as I understand from someone else) so I feel everyone lets her do whatever she wants. She made me out to be the enemy, and I haven’t seen some other friends in 4 months since the breakup so I dont know what they think. One of my ex’s friends had yelled at me so thats how I know she lied to them about me and the breakup.

Any suggestions anyone has would help.
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« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2020, 04:59:28 AM »

Lifl, you are past the worst now. The first 30 days are the hardest, as time goes on although we still have ups and downs, eventually it gets easier. I know this from a past break up with an uBPDgf. It is five years later now and all I feel is relief. I dodged a bullet.

The problem with being a lesbian is our communities are so small. Sounds to me like you will keep bumping into her now and then, and indeed it seems information flows about her condition, there are lots of friends to keep you informed.

I want to to call what she is doing emotional abuse. You want to be human and act with compassion, so that you can know going through your future that you did your best. She is denying you this. That is abusive.

The only thing you can do about it is focus on yourself and your needs. To recover from this break-up you need to stop channels of communication. If you hear about her be sure she hears about you. But I feel every time you hear about it it triggers you right back to immediate post-break up stage.  Would it not be better for you to close the channels of news?

When you do meet her, try to have a mantra going on in your head. That will allow you to disconnect from the rage. I remember once driving with beloved pwBPD while she was in full dysregulation, I started chanting out loud just to keep the car on the road and us both alive. Sounds crazy but it works. Your mantra can be anything "I am worthy" or "I have the power" anything that keeps your mind focused stilling your inner turmoil and your outside demeanour calm.

We got you. Feel free to rehearse the coming meeting with us or with your therapist. Being prepared helps.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Khib  
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