we started the every other week custody and had SS last week.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This thread continues a discussion started here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341210.0

So, we started the every other week custody and had SS last week.  He finally got his own room and was so excited about it. D11 loves her new bedroom in the basement.  Now we just need to get him to sleep in his room on his own and learn to fall asleep without H having to stay.  We found a full day preschool that is willing to take him every other week (luckily I have a friend who owns a preschool) at a reduced rate and he's set to start on Monday.  Of course BPD stopped the pediatrician SS had been going to from sending his records to our local pediatrician so now we have to get his records from them.  Hopefully BPD won't stop it again.  BPD still hasn't given us SS's social security number or medicaid info (we wound up putting him on our medical as well but we still need all that info).  

Yesterday, H was home with the D's and social services showed up.  BPD claimed SS came home with bruises in November and she's "worried H is abusing him".  After 45 minutes of interviews, the woman told H she felt this was malicious and there is zero evidence of H doing anything wrong and she is sorry he is going through this and she is on his side 100%.  She said she will be filing her report to show that and will also speak with BPD about filing false claims and give her a warning.  H asked if he should start taking pictures every time SS leaves to prove he's not bruised and she said he could but then he essentially makes SS a crime scene and did he really want to do that?  She also felt BPD wouldn't stop.  She has seen this behavior too much.  

BPD still has not gotten the order of protection violations dismissed which was included in the signed agreement.  I guess since she figured she couldn't do any of those false claims anymore, she would try with social services.  She told H at the last drop off that she did all of this and the court stuff because of me.  She can't stand to have SS around me and liking me.  At this point, I don't think she will ever stop.  

[Grady]

This thread continues a discussion started here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341210.0

So, we started the every other week custody and had SS last week.  He finally got his own room and was so excited about it. D11 loves her new bedroom in the basement.  Now we just need to get him to sleep in his room on his own and learn to fall asleep without H having to stay.  We found a full day preschool that is willing to take him every other week (luckily I have a friend who owns a preschool) at a reduced rate and he's set to start on Monday.  Of course BPD stopped the pediatrician SS had been going to from sending his records to our local pediatrician so now we have to get his records from them.  Hopefully BPD won't stop it again.  BPD still hasn't given us SS's social security number or medicaid info (we wound up putting him on our medical as well but we still need all that info).  

Yesterday, H was home with the D's and social services showed up.  BPD claimed SS came home with bruises in November and she's "worried H is abusing him".  After 45 minutes of interviews, the woman told H she felt this was malicious and there is zero evidence of H doing anything wrong and she is sorry he is going through this and she is on his side 100%.  She said she will be filing her report to show that and will also speak with BPD about filing false claims and give her a warning.  H asked if he should start taking pictures every time SS leaves to prove he's not bruised and she said he could but then he essentially makes SS a crime scene and did he really want to do that?  She also felt BPD wouldn't stop.  She has seen this behavior too much.  

BPD still has not gotten the order of protection violations dismissed which was included in the signed agreement.  I guess since she figured she couldn't do any of those false claims anymore, she would try with social services.  She told H at the last drop off that she did all of this and the court stuff because of me.  She can't stand to have SS around me and liking me.  At this point, I don't think she will ever stop.  

[GaGrl]

These continued false allegations are so frustrating! I'm so sorry you are dealing with them even after the agreement. Perhaps now having this person as an advocate will help. Can you get a copy of her report? The BPD boo mom is just continuing to add to the documentation file, isn't she?

Just a suggestion on the sleeping thing...

My son had a bedtime routine that worked quite well (bath, jammies, brush teeth, storytime/snuggle with the cat, then lights out). Even so, he had trouble falling asleep. I bought him a small 5-gal aquarium with a couple of fish, and we left the aquarium light on after lights out. My son would gaze at the aquarium and listen to the bubbles/filter, and it helped him drift off. Maybe that would help your SS4 not feel alone.

[Grady]

I'll ask H about the report.  That's a good idea.  I don't know if they allow that or not.  I think she is hurting herself in the long run.  I think she goes crazy on the times SS is with us and it makes her act out even more. 

That's a great idea for the sleeping.  We have a small aquarium tank already that we could set up in his room.  We had bedtime routines with our D's that I was strict with so it really wasn't an issue.  But SS has been parented very differently and has had zero routines in his life.  I am hoping to get the routines in his life as he starts school and is with us for consistent times.  I just worry that if it's completely different with he's with his mom, it will be harder for him to adjust to it.  Do any of you find that challenging?  I know the environment and parenting are a 180 from our home.

[livednlearned]

BPD claimed SS came home with bruises in November and she's "worried H is abusing him". 

Does S4 seem clear that he isn't being abused by H?

Do you feel that S4 is clear what is real and not real?

The more cornered bio mom feels she is, the more desperate her actions may become. The deeper into legal action I went with my n/BPDx, the more psychosis he displayed. He looked and talked and acted like a functioning adult but if you were familiar with the context of what he was saying, it was clear he had become overwhelmed emotionally and was in an alternate reality, believing bizarre things were happening.

[Grady]

I don't think SS believes H is anything but loving to him.  But, is he smart enough to be completely clear?  That I don't know.  When we ask him questions when he's with us, a lot of times he says he's not allowed to say.  For example, we asked if Santa came and he said yes.  Then we asked what Santa gave him and he said he wasn't allowed to tell us.   Which is so stupid.  We aren't asking anything about BPD or something inappropriate.  SS does wind up slipping and telling us things "he's not allowed to" though after a while.  He did tell H he knows all this court stuff and mommy going to live in a house he had to keep secret is not due to anything H did.  He does realize BPD is the cause of all of this crap.  He notices when she is acting crazy.

I do think you are correct about her acting more and more crazy when she feels she is "losing".  And the more attached SS gets to me, the more crazy she acts.  She does have a pretty severe alternate reality.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm pretty sure that my SD's mom believes that there is only so much love available in SD's bucket for the "mom" category.  Therefore, however much SD loves me, SD must love her mom that percentage less.  It's possible that your SS's mom believes that.  Also possible she says these things to convince H to leave you or to destabilize your marriage. (Again.)

Either way, it's crazy talk.

I'm glad you're getting SS's routine set up so quickly.  My children had a hard time on transition nights.  I learned that we had to have absolutely zero plans and just chill on the couch together or play a boardgame or do something similar with no pressure.  That let the kids - especially my S - adjust to going from one set of rules to the other.  (We still have issues with S transitioning, and he's now 10, we've been divorced 9 years, and his routine isn't *that* different at his dad's house.)

SS will thrive on the routine and the boundaries, because small children NEED that to feel safe.  It's very likely that he may act out whenever he comes back to your house.  Just expect it and do what you can to minimize the anxiety of switching.

[Grady]

Yes.  I think if she accepts that I'm a good mom, it makes her a bad mom (not that anything will seem to help her become a good mom).  And her ultimate goal is to split up H and me and destroy our marriage.  It kills her that we stayed married.  Even if she doesn't want H back, she doesn't want him with me or happy.

I do expect we will have some difficult transitions since the environments are wildly different.  It has to be confusing for SS. 

I know SS loves our bath time now.  I do it in the same order every time and sometimes he tries to get switch it up and I say no and he says good, he likes that I do it this way.  He always mentions that BPD does it differently and doesn't wash the bottom of his feet or make him brush his teeth afterwards (or at all for that matter), but he likes doing it with me.  I just say it's okay that mommy does it the way she wants when he's there and when he's with me, he will do it our way.  I definitely think he likes the structure I put in place.

[GaGrl]

We found the same thing on our son transitioning back to my house on Sunday evenings...I learned to just chill for awhile and let him relax.

[ForeverDad]

Does S4 seem clear that he isn't being abused by H?

Do you feel that S4 is clear what is real and not real?

The more cornered bio mom feels she is, the more desperate her actions may become. The deeper into legal action I went with my n/BPDx, the more psychosis he displayed.

Your child probably is so young he doesn't realize what competing stories can mean in a high conflict situation.

When my divorce was nearing the final stages she raged about me being in contact with the pediatrician's office.  She had temp custody during the entire divorce process but the school nurse had asked my help when she didn't respond to their calls.  Well, she raged at the pediatrician's staff and the doctor promptly "withdrew services".  I'm sure she realized she made a huge misstep so of course she had to try to make me look much worse than her.  After the next set of exchanges CPS contacted me about an allegation that I had gotten enraged at son and "beat him on his shins".  Even the hospital had in their logs that the bruises on his shins were normal for an active boy like him (climbing all over the exam table/bed).  Next time I saw him he told me that he thought his bruises were from the climbing bars in a local park when with his mother.

This was this first time she had gotten an allegation (started by her typical claiming "My son told me...") supported by our son.  She must have been really motivated in her coaching.  I spoke with my son and realized he didn't know what lying was.  During those early years I felt he was developmentally delayed by all the conflict and discord.  He was in kindergarten, so I looked for a way to VALIDATE what truth and honesty were.  I found an out-of-print Clifford The Big Red Dog book, T-Bone Tells The Truth, and we read it together.  I saw the light bulb go off in his head.

[Grady]

So, shockingly, BPD never dropped the order of protection violations she agreed to in their new signed agreement so H has to go to court tomorrow.  She told him "she tried, but there was nothing she could do".  I looked online and in less than five minutes saw that all she needed to have done was write a letter to them telling them to drop the cases and it would have been done.  Grrr...So now he has to waste half a day in court for some bogus charges.  He tried reaching out the States Attorney to share the agreement that shows they were supposed to be dropped and were bogus, but they didn't return his call.  So frustrating.  Supposedly BPD just started a job on Monday and now will have to take off to be in court because she received a summons and has no choice.

BPD was also "bragging" to H (at a drop off or pick up even though they should only be discussing SS) about how she died/cut her hair when she knew we had the police looking for her and the social workers at the safe house personally paid for her to stay at a hotel for a few days.  She also told him how she became friends with all of the social workers and they gave her their personal info and she even hangs out with them now and she gets them to do stuff for free for her.  It makes me sick that she is conning and manipulating more innocent people.  One social worker even had her husband fix the car BPD is using for free.  All of those social workers would be fired and lose their licenses if people found out about it.  She really is talented at working people to get what she wants. 

SS has been adjusting well to being at our house although the sleep stuff is still an issue.  H tried last night to get him to fall asleep on his own, but couldn't handle SS crying and gave in.  SS seems to be doing well in school.  They told H today that he knows more than we thought he did and they are going to move him into the next level class.  They had him in a class where he was the oldest.  So, that's good.  I'm happy to be wrong.  It's crazy that in just a week or so of school, he's singing the full alphabet song and recognizes letters.  He couldn't do that before.  SS still tells me "mommy doesn't like you" and "I want to live with you forever and mommy can just come visit me some".  Sigh...

[worriedStepmom]

I wonder if she'll actually show up in court. 

Is there any way to arrange the exchanges so that they don't have to interact at all?  Like SS gets out of one car and into the other and neither parent has to get out of the car?  It sounds like it would be better for H if they don't have to talk.

It sounds like SS is doing well with you.  What do you say when he tells you "mommy doesn't like you"?  And how is H holding up -is he still determined to stay away from her?

[Grady]

She did show up to court and "coincidentally", her lawyer just happened to be there for another case so he sat with her the whole time.  I can't believe my H buys that crap.  It was all dismissed of course before they even got to the judge but it took all morning.  It makes me so incredibly angry that this sort of stuff happens and she can continue to impact our lives. 

H started taking his friend with him to the exchanges to try to eliminate the need for them to talk.  But, I don't know if it does much.  She does still talk to him and him to her, but the exchanges are much faster now.  I don't think H is holding up as well as he says he is.  I did notice there were quite a few texts going back and forth between them and I had a talk with him about it today.  He feels they aren't a big deal and he didn't think there were even that many but I counted and told him.  I think it's mostly her trying to get back in to manipulate him so she can get money or other things from him.  Not that he has money, but she is desperate and knows how easily she gets to him.  He promised to limit the communication to what is allowed on the order of protection, but I still have concerns about that.  She truly is a master manipulator and con artist.  On the other side, he is spending time in therapy talking about us and working to make our marriage better.  And he's saying and doing the right things on that end.

When SS says that, I just say that's okay and just focus on how much he and I like each other.  I always encourage his relationship with her, but when he tries to compare things, I just say that mommy does it her way when he's with her and we do it our way when he's with us.  And that one isn't better than the other.  They are just different and that's okay.

[worriedStepmom]

And that one isn't better than the other.

I'd like that sentiment out.  If she is being emotionally abusive or neglectful, then it's gaslighting SS to tell him that one house isn't better than the other.

[Grady]

How would you suggest I respond?  I don't want to gaslight him.

[worriedStepmom]

I think you're on the right track. 

When SD used to say that mommy didn't like me, I'd usually respond "What do you think about that?"  or "I'm sorry she feels that way."  Your response of "It's okay for mommy to think that way, and it's okay for you and I to like each other" is really, really great.  You are validating that he's a different person from mom with his own feelings, and you aren't making him choose between you.

When the kids make comparisons between their houses (S10 constantly tells me he likes dad's house better than mine), I ask them why they they feel that way (S10's dad doesn't have rules on video games).  We either delve into their feelings more, or I use a similar line to you - "different families make different choices.  This is how we do it in this house."  I try really hard not to make a judgement call, either "good" or "bad".

That said, in the last year we've finally come out and told SD12 that some of her mom's actions and choices are wrong/bad/inappropriate.  We didn't want SD to think that her mom's emotional abuse and manipulation were okay and that this was her fault, and she was finally old enough to understand.

[Grady]

Thanks Worried.  That's helpful.  I don't want him to feel anything towards his mom based on how I feel about her.  I know he already can tell a difference and see things about her, but he will learn on his own the reality.  And the bottom line is she will always be his mom. 

 I did talk to him about lying when he told me BPD told him to lie. I said that lying is never okay and if anyone tells him to lie, that person should go to time out.  I explained that included all adults so if I told him to lie, he should tell me that's wrong and put me in time out. 

I think he definitely prefers our house because it's a much healthier environment and he can feel that.