Why do I keep hoping

[todayistheday]

I am the non-golden child.  I have a life.
My Mom does not acknowledge anything going on in my life.  Now that I am approaching 60, why shouldn't I be used to it.

It's not the same as approval seeking. I learned many years ago that isn't happening.

Some examples:
  I am quite an accomplished pianist -- in my own right. Long story, but no Thanks to Mom.  I learned it later in life.  I have a VERY nice piano.  Mom will not acknowledge that I play.  I tell her about performances or students.  I'd might as well be talking to a wall.  But she goes on and on about how  talented my 25 year old nephew is.    (He's good.. neither of us is a Horowitz, but you'd think he was.)  Piano is not my career, it's a side job/hobby.  She still gets mad when I play.

  I have been suffering from Plantar Fascitis.  Can hardly walk sometimes.  (It's getting much better with treatment.)  I tell her about it, I'm talking to a wall.

   I have gone far in my career.  Well, not so extreme considering my age and experience. But nothing from her.  

   On my 50th birthday, my 1st cousin who she doesn't even like got married for the second time.  Big church wedding and everything -- like a 20 year old.  (They were both early 50s, both had "adult" children from previous marriages).   For weeks before and after, all that I heard about from her is THE wedding.  That one could have been hard on her realizing she was old enough to have a 50 year old child.  But she went to THE wedding.  She had to pass my city, almost right by my house to get there.  Didn't have time to stop by for cake and dinner.   I didn't go to THE wedding.  This cousin didn't give me the time of day for 10+ years until he started inviting people to his wedding.  

Another year, she couldn't come to my birthday because she was getting a colonoscopy.  Said that was the only day she could get it.  Really?  I always manage to schedule mine around events.  (I have them every 3 to 5 years since age 40 due to being high risk.)

Although, her non-presence at my birthday is a gift in itself, to not have to hear all of her complaining.  I would like to have Dad around and they are a package deal.

But then...
 My car died on me, so I got a new one. I got it in her home city because the car dealer there was very easy to deal with -- sister took me there since she deals with the same dealer.  I went to the house after I got it.  Mom hugs THEN hugs me and tell me how proud she is of me.  Really -- for going out with my sister and getting a car?

Sorry for rambling on.  It's so confusing to me about what goes on in her head.  I know that there is no logical explanation to us.  It probably is confusing to her as well.  Sometimes, it just gets me that no matter what I say positive or negative gets a reaction. Then something that just is gets gushed over.

[zachira]

My heart hurts hearing how your mother treats you as if you are a person with no feelings and not a separate person from her. What you have described sounds so much like so many of us with disordered mothers have experienced with our mothers. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. Your mother is unlikely able to acknowledge any of your accomplishments because that would mean you are separate person from her and a person in your own right. She is also unable to take into consideration any of your feelings or able to put your first. We understand and get your feelings here. Just know you are not alone and it is normal to feel hurt and confused by being so mistreated by your own mother, no matter how old you are and how long the mistreatment has gone on.
 

[Methuen]

I can hear the pain and suffering in your post.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  I’ve penned a few thoughts that help me.  It can get better.

Accept her disease, and
Let go of the mother daughter myth.
When you stop wanting what she can’t give,
There will be more peace than pain.
You know who you are, and what you’ve achieved,
So love thyself and feel proud.
You are not alone,
Believe that others have eyes, and can see.
Be yourself, for yourself,
Not for anyone else.
Be free!
 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

[safeplace]

I'm so sorry you are having these feelings. Please know you are not alone. You deserved a better mother and we all did. For me, the grieving and emotional detachment could only start when I accepted what I could and could not change. I cannot change my mother, but I can change myself. A big help in my grieving was writing what is called, the measure of my loss. First part is writing what I got from my parent, and the second part is writing about what I deserved to get from a parent.  The difference is the measure of your loss. The good news is that we can learn to reparent ourselves with love and fill that painful hole inside.

[Panda39]

Methuen gave a great response.

I don't have a BPD mom but do have a critical mom. I tried for years to be what she wanted me to be so she would love me.  She's intellectual, I'm artistic, she's blunt, I'm empathetic...oil and water.  I finally realized I can't be what she wants me to be, because it just isn't me and for that matter she can't be who I need her to be because that isn't her.  I also realized her criticism of me was really about her and how she thought I reflected on her.  I trust my mother to provide for me in a physical sense but I don't trust her emotionally, I have been burned/hurt enough times that, that trust has been long lost.

I have in many ways created my own "family" around myself of wonderful friends who love me just as I am.  I can be the authentic me around them and they have validated, encouraged, and supported me over and over again.

I have come to accept my mother is who she is at 82 she's not going to change.  I can ignore the hurtful, invalidating things she says now a days and they roll right off because I no longer believe her critical comments.  I also know the lousy invalidating words and actions I've experienced them too.  When I'm talking about something that she doesn't approve of and cuts me off...I just think to myself...isn't that too bad, she's lost another opportunity to know her daughter.  The behavior is about her not me and she is the one who looses something.  These days I'm friendly, but as I would be to an acquaintance, nothing too deep, nothing too personal.

My suggestion, accept your mom is not capable of being who you need her to be, know you are great just as you are and create a family of your own making, look to those in your life that already support and validate you.

Panda39

[Harri]

Hi.

Safeplace, I have heard of that writing exercise before and even did it but I don't think I heard the title before.  I like it: "the measure of my loss".   It describes the outcome of growing up the way we did very well.

You mentioned learning to reparent ourselves and that is true too.  I am still learning what it means to be a good parent to my little Harri.  I first started with just listening and validating her thoughts and feelings, letting her know she was being listened to.  Then I realized it also involved learning to discipline in a healthy way and to set boundaries and establish rules for her.  haha!  Every time i go back and read what I write about parenting or helping little Harri I feel like it makes me sound crazy.  I'm not crazy... or at least if I am talking this way about little Harri is not what makes me so.    

[TelHill]

todayisthedat,

My dBPDm does not admit that I have accomplishments & successes either. It’s painful because your mom is supposed to be proud of all her kids/grandkids - not just the gc ones. I’m non-gc too.

I like the exercise safeplace describes (thank you!  ). Acceptance is hard. I have to work on acceptance every day - my wiring says I deserve and need a mommy.  The daughter acceptance bus route skips me daily.

I hope it helps that you’re not alone. Take care!