Anybody out there

[Dog ma]

I just want to cry! I finally am beginning to understand my 27 yo daughter with bpd. She was only diagnosed with bpd 2 years ago. Up until then it was first, depression, then bipolar - neither of which truly fit her. It all started in middle school and all these years I’ve struggled trying to understand her suicide attempts, the compulsive lying, the manipulation, manic spending sprees, risky behaviors and never taking responsibility for herself. And now I am beginning to understand why our relationship was so tumultuous. I feel so guilty and saddened by all the past fights and hurtful exchanges on both our parts. I’m also saddened that as I understand this disorder, she is has to learn how to keep herself healthy and that this will be her lifelong struggle. How do I support her and keep myself healthy?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Dog ma...and welcome!

One of the most important steps I took was starting to participate in this forum and I certainly hope that turns out to be the same for you.

Heavens knows we can all look back and wish we had done differently with our troubled children.  Would that have made a difference?  No way of telling.  Can you truthfully say to yourself that you tried your best?  Can you truthfully say you did better when you knew better?  I'll bet you can.  So, no beating up on yourself!

Yes, your daughter needs much help...not only from you but from other sources.  This forum is a sounding board...what worked for some...what didn't.

So here you are.  You have the eyes and ears from others who walk similar paths.  For me, just putting my fingers on the keyboard...pouring out my heart and my hurts helped so much...then followed much needed validation.

There is a wealth of valuable information on this website with links to more.   Make note...more than likely quick, dramatic changes won't happen.  Life is a process...this will be a process.

Once again, welcome Dog ma.  Wishing you some rays of sunshine.

Huat

[Dog ma]

Thank you, Huat, for your supportive words.

She is doubly complicated as she was born with a congenital heat defect. She’s been through 4 major surgeries under the age of 5, along with all the hospital stays. I never truly bonded with her, as her hospital stays continued to interrupt that experience. And...I was always waiting for her to die.

BPD is a very involved and complicated diagnosis. And although I have so much to learn, what my focus will be on is how to react to her “crisis” situations, and sorting out the truth from her “reality” or flat out lies. And how to protect myself from getting sucked into all the drama, while still loving her. If there are videos or articles that you recommend, I’d be open to them.

Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Do you feel comfortable sharing an example of a crisis situation she presents to you? Maybe we can walk with you and share some of the things that we have tried.

My SD23 is more what some refer to as quiet borderline, and her recent launch into adulthood has kicked up a lot of behaviors or crises designed to elicit reassurance. I have a somewhat easier time because I'm her step mom and setting limits comes easier to me. Leading up to new year's eve she had a crisis that ended up with my H spending the night in her apartment. She was inconsolable before he got there and then acted like nothing was wrong when he arrived. Same thing happened a few years ago with suicidal ideation that led to her psychiatrist calling H from two states away. By the time he got there, she was excited to try a new restaurant.

Meanwhile, crisis texting is a daily occurrence and she calls H several times a day. We often don't know what's real or not real because SD23 interprets everything to be the most negative it can be. She is in constant fear of being fired and her stress is so high she's missing work because of GI problems, dizziness, and headaches. I have a hunch she is stressed by the good feedback she's getting and is afraid she'll be abandoned if things go smoothly.

There's so much to learn and really helpful communication skills that make a difference.

If you are looking for a nice warm bath of information, Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning is a great place to start reading about BPD.

Glad you found us 

LnL

[Dog ma]

Hi LNL -

There’s a definite familiar ring to your daughter’s  crisises. My daughter, KK, isn’t so immediate any more. Where in the past  for example, she would cut herself in biology class, bleed all over and be sent to the hospital via ambulance. Now it’s more like abusing alcohol, causing a scene and being taken to detox or playing the victim like being fired from her internship because of someone else’s mistakes. She has gotten away from going into the hospital for suicidal ideation - no one including her father and I did not go to see her, therefore there was no “show”. She also doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and doesn’t see how her actions effect other people - she just doesn’t have that capability.

The more I hear from this community, the more I’m beginning to believe that our kids are seeking validation, wanting reassurance that they’re not alone? And may manipulate us into that “web”.  It’s difficult for me to sort out since KK also has ptsd from her surgeries and has just been diagnosed with panic disorder, all the while she is noncompliant with her meds.

Here’s another question- siblings. KK has a younger sister who is 25 yo. GA is tolerant of KK and at times the girls can relate well. However, KK’s behavior is so erratic and unsafe at times, GA doesn’t want anything to do with her and actually will get migraines from the stress KK causes. It has gotten to the point that I get together with the girls separately- no more family gatherings or outings. Is there a way to bridge that relationship?

Living Someone with BPD is a great tip! Thank you!

DM