Triggered and hurting or hurting and triggered not sure what

[formflier]

Very frustrated that things have physically turned for the worse,  not sure why.  I asked FFw to talk when I got in bed and she wouldn't put her phone down.

Not really sure what I wanted..perhaps some basic human kindness.

I go to physical therapy tomorrow, perhaps I've been doing something wrong...not sure.

Sadly, I should have known better that to look to my wife for support.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Best,

FF

[SinisterComplex]

FF, man do I understand this thought all too well "Sadly, I should have known better that to look to my wife for support." I just gotta be honest in saying that having that thought process and feeling that way sucks. There is no sugarcoating it and no eloquent way to put it. In retrospect...being familiar with that feeling is what has allowed me to truly develop my sense of internal validation to the maximum and why my boundaries have become so strong. I do commend you on doing what you have to do to make your marriage work though.

BTW...I hope and wish the best for you. Good luck with PT

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Notwendy]

FF, I am sorry you are feeling poorly. I hope that PT helps.


What you have experienced is something I have seen too. If I think back, the times I wasn't feeling at my best seem to have caused issues. If I turn to my H for support, the result seems to be anger. I had a lot of nausea when I was pregnant with the children, and he didn't seem to "get" it. To him, it felt like I was purposely withholding affection and attention from him. While I had hoped for support, I got anger instead.

The recent episode that I posted about on another thread was having some sort of reaction to a medicine I took over the holidays. When I got upset at his lack of help with all the extra cooking and clean up, it resulted in a huge circular argument. This had not happened in a while, but it was a reminder that this doesn't work well.

I have also seen this to a larger extent with BPD mom who is severely BPD. It just doesn't register with her when others aren't feeling their best. I have not seen empathy from her.

I am not an expert in this but this is how I have considered why this happens. From my mother, it is clear she is constantly in victim mode, emotionally. From her perspective, she needs constant consideration, understanding and sympathy- and no matter what, she needs it the most. The idea of someone else asking her when she is in this state is - to her- an imposition. How dare anyone ask this of her. To her, this puts them in persecutor mode. 

For my H, it's a bit different. What puts him in "empty" mode is that he works hard. I appreciate that, but then, his feelings are like a victim " I work so hard to support this family, nobody appreciates me" The issue comes from anyone else being in any kind of HALT- ( hungry, angry, lonely, tired- and add not feeling well to that). When someone else asks for support, they are also in temporary victim mode. This doesn't work on the triangle, and I think it's a recipe for drama.

[formflier]

Thanks.

I was able to get through my first round of exercises ok this morning. 

One of the frustrating things about my physical conditions is how inconsistent/unpredictable they are.

Tuesday one of the worst pain days I've had in a while (weeks..maybe a month), but it was consistent all day, so I approached it the same all day (just slow down and be extra kind to myself, whatever gets done...gets done)

Wednesday I had a really great session with Chiropractor and myofascial release.  I was more productive Wed evening than I have been in a long time (again weeks if not months)

Thursday seemed to start ok and by the afternoon it seemed that anytime I would stretch/exercise I would feel worse.  So..sort of a slow decline all day.

Several of my exercises got changed this past Friday at PT, so perhaps that is related.

Sigh..

Looking forward to today.  D22 is now D23.  We have some fun things planned this afternoon/evening.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry your physical situation is in flux, FF -- it is so frustrating when symptoms are changing day by day. I am recovering from surgery right now, and at least I know it is a "getting better every day" situation.

One thing I have noticed with my hip (ostroarthritis) is that pain is impacted by both temperature and humidity. Do you think the recent weather challenges might be exacerbating your condition? Even just going in and out of severe temp changes could be irritating nerves.

BTW, I have several friends who have had amazing results with myofascial release -- good move there!

As to FFwife...sigh...there could be several things going on.

1) She still doesn't accept there is anything legitimately diagnosed with you, so it doesn't "really exist."

 2) As much as she wants to live her own life, walk her own way, she sees you as head of the family and her protector. Anything going on with you that hints at your being vulnerable makes her insecure, and her protection is to cut off any empathy or sympathy.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey FF, to perhaps help you in your recovery I highly recommend you look into using Cissus Quadrangularis, Tart Cherry Extract or Juice, and Turmeric. I rely on these things to help me when the weather changes especially but I do use them on the regular regardless. Using these supplements have helped me truly be as close to normal as I ever could be after all my injuries through the years from sports, bodybuilding, and power lifting.

Cissus in particular is perhaps one of the best supplements for anyone to take...I have had my 73 year old mother using it for years and it makes a tremendous difference in her ability to move around.

Anyway, just thought I would try share some of my knowledge as support to perhaps help you out. Regardless of what you do I wish you the best in your recovery process.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[formflier]

OK, I just had a good PT session and have several more adjustments to stretches I'm doing.  Much more Yoga like and my PT wants me to keep it at 30% effort. 

She has observed that she has to "dial back' her military guys because we want to "get it done"..."hurry up" and often that is counterproductive.

Plus when I "push" my body shifts and tries to "cheat" to accomplish whatever I'm trying to do.  Big focus today was on how I try to shift to "cheat" (and I guess protect the muscles we are really trying to get after).

I'm worn out and have lots of notes and new positions.

As to my experience with my chiropractic being euphoric day off and then horrible the next day (and apparently "back to normal" today), my PT was like..."yeah...that's how it works, especially for a big adjustment".

If I had focused more on doing light stretches Wed evening, vice being more active...very likely yesterday would have gone better.  Sort of an explanation that after a day of "reorganizing" things in my body (the big adjustment) there can be some "grumpiness" because my body is not used to new things.

Basically that I need to change my expectations. 

SinisterComplex (tip of the hat for awesome name)

I'll check out those supplements.  Currently I'm focused on B12.  In a couple months I'm going to get another test and see if my levels have changed.  I'm doing a couple under my tongue each day.

I appreciate you guys being here...thank you.

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

Dude, sorry to hear your pest of a disability is back with vengeance and hope things loosen up rapidly.

I went to T last night, I discussed a pervasive and irrational feeling that I would never attract another partner. Anyway, the point was, he got me to think about the qualities of a partner I would look for. We summed it up as someone who was able to take a genuine interest in me emotionally, physically and practically. This has felt like one of the primary 'missing' areas of large chunks (years) of our relationship, and a pretty fundamental one. Mutual support was easy to find, me supporting her was a given, her supporting me was almost non-existent. You can only support someone else when you're able to hold your own weight.

Best

Enabler

[Notwendy]

Enabler, I agree with this. Thankfully my H is getting better with being supportive. With my mother, I don't think change is possible with her. I have come to accept that some people are better at, or more motivated than others to be supportive, and some people just can't.

I'm not looking or hoping for a different partner, so this is hypothetical, but I'm not afraid I won't be able to attract one. I'm more afraid of who I will attract and be attracted to. Part of our relationship dysfunction is us, and we "match" our partners in ways. If we don't have good boundaries, other people with good boundaries won't feel comfortable with us, but people with poor boundaries would. I also keep in mind just how good people with PD's are at mirroring and appearing interested in others. Would I be able to tell this or not?

This doesn't mean anyone who is seems interested in us should be looked at with suspicion, but I think caution is a good middle ground. I also believe that self work is in order to change the attraction dynamics. I know you don't want your relationship to end, but if it does, my hope for you is that you spend some time as a single person, working on yourself. You have been so invested in your wife and your family - it's worth it to invest in you.

[formflier]

I'm not afraid I won't be able to attract one. I'm more afraid of who I will attract and be attracted to.

I have the same thoughts.  I'm certainly not looking or actively thinking about this, yet  the thoughts do come from time to time.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's more of a wondering sometimes.

Since my BPD mother's behaviors are extreme, I did know to avoid the big red flags but not the minor ones- but we don't know what we don't know.

[zachira]

"I'm not afraid I won't be able to attract one. I'm more afraid of who I will attract and be attracted to."

I had this fear for most of my life and indeed many of my friends and romantic partners were not good news. I have had years of therapy. I have found that I need to pay very careful attention to the congruence of words, tone of voice, body language, and actions of others while focusing on self care. When I am down on myself than I tend to ignore that someone is trying to impress me and does not really care about my well being. It has really helped me to not reveal too much about myself in the beginning because many people with personality disorders like to be worshiped and pretend to have the exact same interests and values as the person that they try to attract. I have found that attracting healthier people into my life can be scary, as they hold me to a higher standard and respectfully challenge some of the poor boundaries I have learned from my family. If a friendship/relationship feels to be too good to be true than it is. Healthy friendships and relationships are always based on noticing that we don't agree on everything with anybody. I tell my friends that I don't consider someone a friend until we have had a disagreement and treating each other with respect while disagreeing is a big factor in determining whether we can be friends or not, and the same goes for relationships.

[Cat Familiar]

I can relate, FF. Sometimes it's two steps forward and then three steps back. My physical therapist and my Rolfer keep me up and running. And when I get frustrated, I look back and can see that I've made tremendous progress in recent years.

My shoulder pain was so bad 15 years ago, I had to sleep with my arm hanging over the side of the mattress and even then, it would wake me up at night. The other shoulder wasn't as damaged, but over time it accumulated bone fragments which limited my mobility and caused inordinate pain. Surgery alleviated that, but my surgeon told me that my other shoulder would need a full shoulder replacement. Not wanting to do that, I opted for stem cells extracted from my hip, and now three years later I'm easily throwing a 35 pound saddle on my horse, sawing overhead large limbs from trees, hauling 50 pound feedbags, digging holes for fruit trees, and moving 120 pound bales of hay. But then, I'll get a bit overeager with my Pilates workout and I'll wake up with a sore shoulder. But then, it gets better.

What I've learned to do is to not go full out and expect I can do it. I go 50% or if I'm not feeling entirely myself, maybe 20%. My new motto is "I just show up." And I've learned to be happy that I'm doing that. I'm also super attentive to overdoing something and I try and quit doing that immediately instead of just powering through it.