Like a big black cloud constantly raining on me.

[Missmetal]

Hi to All,
New to this and looking for support and understanding. I am married to someone who I believe has BPD although he has not been diagnosed. We have a young daughter together who is 2. I am exhausted, frustrated and sad. I do not know what to say or how to act around my husband anymore. Everything is misinterpreted. Everything sets him off.  I am so worried about our daughter and how she is perceiving things. I want our marriage to be better but it is so broken right now. How do you reason with someone who has BPD?  I am so tired of being around someone who is constantly negative, critical and filled with so much anger/ sadness emptiness ect. I have no idea what he feels or if he feels? Like a big black cloud constantly raining on me. Please help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi MissMetal,

I am fairly new here and still figuring things out but can relate to your feelings.  I am not in a position to offer advice but wanted you to know that you are not alone and the people on here are wonderful and supportive.

One suggestion I would make is to share a couple of examples and any background on the relationship (how long, has it always been this way, good periods, specific triggers, etc).

I know this is confusing and exhausting, but you’ve found people willing to help. Virtual hugs.

[Harri]

Hi.  I want to join UBPDHelp in saying welcome.   

We have a lot of members in similar situations so you are not alone.  We understand and we can help you as your work to learn new ways of communicating that can help you to cope and may help improve things in your relationship.

I want to second what UBPDHelp said about sharing some examples with us.  The more details you can give. the better we can try to help.

Again,

[Lola B]

Welcome home. This forum will help provide a safe space for you to share among people who understand. Our struggles are unique to societal “norms” and it is very lonely trying to share with people who simply cannot understand.

Thank you for sharing your heartache. I have no advice to give. Just my presence.

[Missmetal]

Thank you for the responses. I have been with my partner for almost 17 years. I was only 21 when we started together. His father was an abusive alcoholic and my H has never wanted to talk about his childhood. Our relationship was good for the first 3 years but he was impossible to get close to. We broke up for 2 years when I left to travel and met someone else. That didn’t work out and I ended up back with H. Examples of his behaviour is hard to describe. Triggers are hard to describe because it seems like everything is upsetting or triggering. Walking on eggshells is a perfect metaphor for my life with him. If I don’t load the dishwasher properly. Anything I say sets him off. So I say nothing...but this is not good either. If I ask him to help clean up our daughters toys he has a huge tantrum. Says she has too much and then starts hauling it all upstairs to her room. He will ask my opinion about something not really wanting it and then if I don’t say the idea is great or if I ask any question to try to get more information so I can understand his idea he gets upset. Says I don’t trust him. Starts arguing is idea. Everything is turned into a disagreement. Even the most simplistic day to day things. Like chores. Or simple decisions. He will never commit to making any big choices though. Then he just complains or criticizes when I am forced to make decision without him.

[jaded7]

I'm only on here to seek advice as well, but I can share with you that your descriptions match my experience with my partner- sudden, unexplained anger; constant, seemingly willful, misinterpretation of my intentions in order to have something to be 'mad' at, nearly constant criticism of me, what I do, how I speak, write, talk etc...

I'll give you an example: I called her and texted her many, many times when she was home sick to see what she needed, what I could do for her. Ready to jump in the car at a moment's notice to bring her anything she needs. After two days of saying nothing, she stops responding to me completely. I find out later she's "pissed" at me. Why? Because "my friends don't have to ask me what I need, they just do it."

I call the day before we go camping so I can buy food and save her the time and money. She explodes at me that "I'm just trying to cover my ass", "what do I want, cookies and milk for asking" and I'm "worthless and incompetent" in shopping. When all I wanted to do was help her.

Many, many, many more examples like this.

[Missmetal]

Hi Jaded, it helps to know someone understands what it feels like to be in a relationship with someone with suspected BPD. I am so sad for both of us. You start to think that maybe you are stupid, incompetent and can’t do anything right. That all their critical comments are right. Or he says I am crazy. Then I start questioning this. Maybe it is me?  And nothing, no matter how hard you try is good enough. From the examples you gave that so reminds me of my husband too! If he actually says something slightly positive like one time he said supper was good...literally in all these years he said one nice thing once! That’s why I remember it. I nearly fell off my chair! What is your approach when your partner has what I call a “meltdown”? Do you just walk away or how do you handle heated situation? Does anything help?

[jaded7]

MissMetal. "You start to think you are stupid, incompetent, can't do anything right." YEP. I'm highly accomplished academically and in business and in sports and in music and...she has gotten me to the point where I feel SO bad about myself, that I"m really not good at anything and really ned to listen to HER on how I should run my business and interact with my employees and customers...etc, etc.

And I KNOW what you mean about saying something positive. We've been together 2 years, and I remember once about a year ago she said something along the lines of "your'e fabulous" when we discussed if I could get a partnership or something...I was floored. I remember it to this day because, as far as I can tell, it's the only thing she ever said positive about me.

Here's another example for you. I'm a really good guitar player, but kinda shy about it. So after dating a few weeks she said "...and you NEVER play your guitar for me". Note how, if she wanted me to play for her, she could have simply nicely asked, but instead it came out as an accusation. So I played some songs for her (including a Tom Petty song (...it was so touching it made me cry...and after when I was done she's walking to the door, turns to me and says "by the way, I hate Tom Petty...just so you know".  Not once did she say "that's beautiful" or "how nice, thank you" or anything at all that was nice.

Wait until I tell you what happened at Christmas. Thanks for letting me share, it makes me feel better, I hope it does for you too...she and I haven't spoke in 3 weeks now, and I'm suffering a lot trying to maintain my sanity.