Need a fresh perspective on how to radically accept promiscuity

[PeaceMom]

I’ve not started in new post in a while, but feel compelled today. DD19 lives at home or with latest BF. Today I join her for her BC 3 month shot. She thankfully gets this every 3 mos but has pregnancy symptoms every 3 mos. She has been told by every doctor and caregiver to use extra protection. She does not and she’s faced health issues bc of it.

This lifestyle is 100% triggering to me bc infection, disease and preganancy are likely. When I talk with her she immediately feels invalidated and fearful (based on my fear coming thru). I told DH all this last night and he is beside himself. His fear is us having to help w/a baby as DD can barely care for herself. He worries about likely disease, as well and her using our Medical Insurance.

The BC shot brings me a tiny bit of peace but the lifestyle and promiscuity are terrifying to witness. For years we thought she had a love addiction but now we know it’s just one of the many coping mechanisms of ones/BPD.

I understand radical acceptance is a dialectical notion. This is her life and her choice and I accept it but I’m not Ok with the risks she takes.

I need to get my thinking straight here and need your help especially if you’ve navigated these waters with your own DD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Peacemom!

I read your post this morning, but didn't respond for two reasons.  Firstly, because although I have a daughter and 3 step-daughters I haven't had the experiences that you have and you asked for people to respond who have lived what you are living.  Secondly because I often read posts, think about people for a day or a night and then come up with my response.

Anyways, I was curious to see what your responses were, and sad to see that nobody really knows what to say.  I'm sure someone will come through but I feel compelled to respond because I have been thinking of you often today.

I feel as though you are 90% there.  Or more.  You have accepted reality, and you are naturally and legitimately concerned for the consequences. 

You have accepted the reality that she is going to be promiscuous regardless of how much you try and fight it.  You are doing the right thing by making sure that she gets her shot every 3 months .

At this stage, now that you have accepted the reality, the next step is to prepare in case the worst happens (std etc.)

Because you have accepted this reality you now have foresight into what could happen.

Now is the time to prepare for the worst (while still hoping and working towards the best).

The question is:  If the worst of the consequences happen, who is going to own them.  You or her?

I am not the right person to answer as I said and another reason is because as a Canadian I know nothing of medicare or medicaid.

Is it possible for her to start getting her own medicare?  Can you sit down with her and let her know that if she continues this lifestyle and she develops and STD that she is going to have to be the one deal with it?   Do you think your husband and you can be a team and let her know that she is now an adult and it is time to be responsible for her own medicare and if she continues to put herself at risk she has to own the consequences?

I know that you will never turn your back on her, and you would never turn your back on a grandchild.

All I am really wanting to say is that you are on the right page, you are doing the right things.  You have foresight and now is the time to take steps to protect not only your daughter but yourself.

I hope this is somewhat helpful!

Thinking of you,

 
R

[PeaceMom]

Res,
Yes your response is on point. There is zero controlling another’s sexual behavior. We learned that a few years ago. The joke was on us, the parents. She has had to get herself to urgent care for issues related to her promiscuous behavior a few times in the past. The interesting thing about it is she’s very independent in that way, yet doesn’t think enough of herself to follow doctor’s advice. This again falls under the “apparent competence” heading. She is competent in one area, yet is incompetent in healthy mature physical relationship choices.

Thanks for helping me see that I’m sitting right in Radical Acceptance. Acknowledging it for what it is, but hating it at the same time. My fear is a baby that I couldn’t/wouldn’t turn my back on and /or a terribly diseased DD that I couldn’t/wouldn’t be caregiver for.  Confusing!