Struggling with my recent decision

[Girlguide]

My first time poster and first time realizing that my fiance may have BPD.

We have been together for 5 years and recently got engaged in the last 4 months. Our years together have not been all tulips and daisy and he’s a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for 20 months which has been fantastic for him.

Unfortunately he hasn’t been living the program, he stopped going to AA meetings about 8 months ago. The relationship has been going well since he quite drinking but we have had out ups and downs. 2 months ago he had an altercation at work with some co-workers and it became heated and he said some things that he shouldn’t have said, things like a manger should have been said to the co-workers and not by someone who is on the same level. He was written up 2 weeks after the incident occurred and went into a rage with his boss when he was written up. The boss sent him home and told him to work from home until they could decide what to do. In the end he lost his job.

It’s been about a month and things have progressively gotten worse. As soon as he lost his job he went to get his prescriptions filled and discovered they expired. From my understanding he didn’t call his doctor to get new ones because he thought his insurance was expired because he lost his job. He’s been off the medication now for three weeks, I don’t know what he’s taking the medication for since he has not had full disclosure with me. Since the incident originally happened at work he’s been going to a dark place and keeps saying how he doesn’t understand how he’s such a good worker and he’s surrounded by these stupid people, or people who act stupid, and he’s the one that got in trouble. His temper has been extremely short and one day he’s ready to tackle the world and the next he feels like he can’t do anything right and he’s forever doomed to be miserable.

Things have gotten progressively worse in the last three weeks he’s had three episodes of full on rage and explosions. I live on a daily basis on egg shells and I wait for him to speak to me before I speak to him to gauge his mood. I sometimes think he’s ok to talk and then we start a discussion and I say something that gets him angry and then he starts blaming me for either not thinking rationally or that I bring up stuff and he’s just trying to wake up. Or sometimes he’s fine and we talk and then he gets in the showers and then he comes out so angry about the situation at work then turns around and becomes irritated with me for no reason.  Unfortunately this last explosion of angry it ended up with me calling the police and putting him in an involuntary hold/ psych evaluation.

This is how the argument started, he came home from doing a side job and I was in the kitchen making dinner. When he walked in I told him, full disclosure, I have had a few drinks. I wanted to let him know ahead of time because I didn’t want him to think I was hiding something. (He accuses me of having a drinking a problem. Mind you, I don’t drink everyday and lately I have been having drinks more often during the week/weekend that what I have had in the last few months). Everything was fine and we sat down to eat dinner around 7:45 at night. When he went to go get seconds I was standing there in the kitchen with him and he made a comment that we have different schedules and basically eluding to the fact that I don’t want to talk to him and I don’t want to spend time with him. Keep in mind I am up at 4:50 in the morning, I got work out, I go to work, and then after work I either do errands such as grocery shopping or come home and clean or make dinner or I do all three of these in a single day. I haven’t asked a lot from him lately knowing that he’s been in a fragile state and I see he’s putting the work in to keep the income coming in so I’ve silently been stewing and remembering myself, at the same time, that he’s trying to make it work.

The tone of his voice and they way he said it didn’t sit right with me. I feel like he’s always blaming me for some slight I did to him, most of the time I’m not sure what this slight is. Well, I lost it and argued back and said him I’m sorry I’m tired in a voice that was definitely not nice. He then countered that apparently you’re so tired and want to go to bed so early that’s why we’re eating dinner at 8 at night.  I then countered in a sarcastic tone that he has hot food in his mouth and then he proceeds to slam the plate down on the table and said fine I won’t eat and walks away. I then told him how else does he think he gets clean underwear on his butt because I am the one doing the laundry, and I do the dishes , and I scoop the litter boxes…

I lost it at that point and rattled off all of my frustrations about working and maintaining the household. He then proceeded to open the front door and smoke half in and half out of the apartment. I told him to please go outside (not in a super nice tone) and he refused to do it and started calling me all sorts of names and how we were done and how he could ever possibly marry someone like me, I think there was also a sprinkle of how I have a drinking problem, so I countered with “Bye, Felica” over and over again because I knew it was pushing his buttons.

When he refused to go outside to smoke I walked over to the door and started pushing him out the door, he turned around and flicked the cigarette at me and it hit my face and then my sweatshirt and burned a hole in my sweatshirt. I then LOST it! I locked him out of the apartment and threw his wallet, jacket and keys outside and told him to go. He pounded on the door and I let him back in and he pushed past me and sat on the couch. And I did a thing that I never should have done, I went up behind him and smacked him really hard on the back of the head. We started to tussle and I told him to go as he raged on and on and I threatened to call the police. He threatened suicide, this is the third time that he threatened suicide in the last three weeks. I finally called the police when he became even more heated.

The police came and he talked to them outside and I spoke to them inside and explained what happened during the evening. I took full responsibility for my actions and told them exactly what I did, I couldn’t let him take all the blame because he wasn’t entirely to blame. They told me that they could arrest both of us for DV and I said I entirely understand. But as soon as they heard about his suicide attempt they shifted there view and called in ambulance. I then re-explained everything to paramedics and they recommended I have him go in for involuntary psych evaluation. I signed the paperwork for him to go.

I am overwhelmed with guilt. I haven’t stopped crying for days and how I may have ruined his life. I’ve spoken to him briefly and he blames it all on me. I cannot help but think if I could have just kept my cool that we would not have been in this situation. But I cannot keep taking the blame for everything. He blames me for things that I should not be blamed for, like not enough time in the day for him to look up things that he want to look up to make extra money ( I work 40+ hours a week and normally from an office).

I am really having a hard time with this decision to have him involuntary committed. When I explained everything for a third time to the assistant psychiatrist he asked me if I thought my fiancé had a personality disorder. I never thought of that before, he’s never disclosed anything to me, and when I started looking up things I think he might have BPD. He checks off almost every single box and when I spoke the counselor we have seen together she said he may fit the bill of someone who has BPD.

The reason why I am writing this is because it’s been 3 days and I am having the hardest time with my decision to have this done to him. He suggested that I have things wrong with me, and maybe I do, and that he cannot trust me again and have a relationship with me because he cannot trust me because I called the cops and I knew how bad it’s been for him lately. Mind you, this hasn’t been the first time the cops have been called but it’s been a long time. The last time they were called was because we were in a physical altercation, but it’s been 2 years since that occurred and I thought most of our troubles were behind us because he quite drinking. I am really struggling with this decisions and I do blame myself.

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[Harri]

Hi Girlguide and welcome though i am so sorry for what brings you here. 

What you describe is quite difficult and challenging to deal with for the both of you so it is good that you are reaching out for support. 

Is your fiancee still in the hospital?  Has he filled you in on what the plan for treatment is?  What sort of safety nets will be in place for the both of you?  Sorry for all the questions.  There is a lot to talk about and unravel here.  BPD, mutual domestic violence, alcohol and SI (suicidal ideation) are really big issues that obviously need to be addressed.   

What sort of support do you have?  Have you talked to your therapist since this latest incident?  At this point I am more concerned about you and your safety and also you ability to make better choices in terms of how you respond to him.  I am not blaming you, I do think there is a need to look at your own coping skills (your increase in drinking, hitting him, yelling etc).  When a situation escalates like this, everyone needs to step back and assess. 

In terms of the guilt you feel about the 72 hour hold, I can understand your feeling guilty.  I also think and hope this will set him on a path to getting the help he needs.  SI is serious and needs to be addressed so it is good he is getting care.  he may not be happy with you, I am not sure that his being pleased with your choice is the correct measure of the merit of your decision here though. 

While he is in the hospital, have you been able to get support for yourself?

[Girlguide]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for responding, it's been a rough few days and the tears have not stopped.

Yes, he is still in the hospital. He's called a few times, once to tell me to stop calling and to tell me he blames me and I know what he is going through so I should have thought about what I did before I did it. He also called later to ask for a book and some clothes to drop off. I haven't heard from him since and I'm afraid to call because I don't want to get him worked up. I'm not sure if I should call and put aside my fear so we can figure out a plan, because I know we have to setup a plan in order to make this work and to make sure something like this never happens again. I don't have any safety nets in place for myself right now except I always have a gym bag packed with items.

I've reached out to a counselor to set up an appointment and I am following up with them tomorrow because I cannot go through this alone.  I did talk to the counselor we see after the incident and explained everything that happened and the counselor assured me I did the right thing especially since he has threatened numerous times to commit suicide. I only talked to the counselor once but I am on the path to start regular appointments with a counselor. I cannot have a situation like this happen again, ever. The level of guilt is beyond and I feel terrible!

[Harri]

Hi again.

Have you talked with your counselor yet today?

Having a safety plan is important.  We have one here that you can work with should you ever need to remove yourself from a situation where either one of you are escalating conflict like happened the other day. 

Knowing where you go emotionally and how you handle stress when at your limits is also vital.  Getting a handle on that will be a big part of this battle especially if you want to repair your relationship but also for any future relationships.  I am focusing on you here because, well, you are here and you are the only one you control.    

Please do keep posting and let us know how you make out with the counselor.  We can also help you with the safety plan as well if you want us to.