BPD daughter wants to be an actress

[Lisasomar]

My 19 year old daughter who has PTSD and BPD traits wants to spend all her money at a private acting school to be an actress. She has difficulty coping with life as it is and thinks she can handle to brutal industry such as acting. She is adamant that it is her passion but what do I do as a parent? She has a chunk of money from her Dad’s estate and I fear she will blow it all and have nothing for a real future for herself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That is a dilemma. We all want to encourage our children but sometimes we feel their dreams are not realistic. Is there a way she could try acting on a smaller scale to see if she likes it before making a huge commitment?

[twocrazycats]

Hello and welcome!

I can see your concern about your daughter spending so much on the private school. Might she be open to considering other, less costly schools?

I have to say, I think it's wonderful that your daughter has a passion. My daughter is passionate about music therapy for children with autism. There have been several times when something goes wrong and she starts feeling worthless, but so far, her desire to help these children has kept her moving toward her goal.

Also, I've been reading Bessel Van der Kolk's book, "The Body Keeps the Score," which I've seen mentioned on these boards. He has an entire section devoted to the benefits of theater for those who are suffering from trauma/PTSD.  He describes theater and acting as a kind of therapy to heal trauma/PTSD. So it could have benefits other than just a path to a career. The book might be worth a look.

2CC

[Lisasomar]

Thank you. You have raised some very good points about theatre and it’s benefits for those with PTSD. She has very unrealistic expectations however and I worry how she will cope as she is soo hard on herself. But again, thank you for pointing out the benefits this passion could have for her.

[wavewatcher]

She has a chunk of money from her Dad’s estate and I fear she will blow it all and have nothing for a real future for herself.
[/quote]
Hi Lisasomar,
I think supporting her passion but perhaps exploring it on a smaller financial scale is good feedback. If it is relevant, you might also set a boundary with her around what her future financial situation would look like if she spends it all now and what you and her father are willing and able to contribute towards that future.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Lisasomar:
I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter. What makes her think that she has acting talent that could develop into a life-time career? Has she had any credible experience? Participating in acting for therapy/enjoyment is one thing, but making a living from it is another. Also, if she can't deal with the expected rejection & criticism that comes with an acting career, she needs to reconsider.

How much money is her inheritance worth?  If it's a significant amount, it might be strategic to get her an appointment with a financial planner, to discuss options for managing the money? Perhaps you could go with her?

Perhaps a chat with a career counselor could be helpful?  Maybe even a few sessions with a therapist?  It would be wise for your to set your personal boundaries & be willing to enforce them (i.e. you set a deadline of when you expect her to be financially self-sufficient & not a financial dependent for decades to come). It would be strategic for her to find a career with good odds to support her & then pursue acting.

Could you convince her to start at a regular college, with a back-up plan (i.e. major in theater & minor in another career area).  It might be good for her to read several bios of various actors.  It's rare to hear of an actor who hasn't had many other career's/jobs before hitting the big time, or being able to make a living at just acting.

She is young and naive & an acting school will eat up her money.  Many of these private colleges lure in young students.  Some of them give out tiny scholarships (a ploy to get you in & paying the big bucks for the classes) & make promises of the student finding a job upon completion of their study. She might find a bit part, after acting school, but it's a long hard road to make a living (own place to live, car, food & medical). 

[AbuNassif]

I second encouraging her to go a college/university as a theatre major. Any degree she could earn will help her in life, no matter what it is, don't worry about kind of Bachelor's it is. I used to hang out with the theatre majors (when I studied art and architecture) and they were all weird and cool, and half of them were narcissists (I say this lovingly), and they worked so hard, and their productions were wonderful. And they supported each other, so it might actually help her grow. There's a place for everyone in this world.

[Done-er Stepdad]

My own experience is that empowered (by $$$) BPD people are unlikely to be swayed by rational arguments, counselors, book-reading, or any proposal involving long term planning. She likely feels very powerful with her own money and that will be very hard to counter.

I have come to a resigned place of acceptance that I can not stop my BPD family member from doing things that I disagree with -and that even neutrally stating my disagreement is only adding fuel to the bad decision fire.