Exhausted by 20 year old daughter's behavior

[Taonga7]

I have a 20 year old daughter with bpd. She has a 8 month old baby my grandson who I constantly try to protect. Her bf and her regularly verbally and physically fight and both of them have turned on me on many occasions. My daughter is cruel and abusive anytime she feels out of control and has many times made me feel like I don’t want to live. We have lived through many many years of abuse and threats and smashed up houses. She constantly threatens that I will never see my grandson again and then flip... back to normal and wants to go out for lunch and then flip back to abuse and threatening to tell my work I deal drugs and all sorts of crazy things... and this never ends, mental health have “assessed” her many times but due to her ability to go from crazy(running in front of cars) to normal within the space of an hour, they say she is fine. They also told me bpd is nit a mental illness so they can’t help. I have cried, wanted to die, lay down in complete dispair at the painful life we live behind closed doors. When I try to talk to her about getting help she says I’m the one who needs help, and I do, dealing with all this! She truely believes everyone else is crazy and she’s fine. Police call outs, car crashes(on purpose), mental health assessments, smashed windows on my car and house... where does end? I’m losing hope after 8 extreme years in a row of trying to cope

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Taonga. Welcome to the group. I feel the excruciating pain in your post. You really are going through a horrible experience. The good news is things can get better. You can learn about BPD and the communications skills it takes to improve a relationship with a BPD loved one. But the first step is self care. I am very concerned about what you are saying about not wanting to live anymore. Is there someone you can talk to in person about that such as a therapist or counselor?

[Harri]

Hi.  I want to join Faith in welcoming you to the board though I a,m sorry for the rough circumstances.

We can offer a great deal of support here for your situation as Faith mentioned we have tools and strategies that can make coping easier for you.  Self care is a huge part of being a parent to someone with BPD though often a parents more immediate concern is for their child or addressing the difficult behaviors.  The thing is, self care has to come first so you are at your best.

Are you getting therapy?  I ask not because I think you are wrong in some way but rather it is a great way to get support and talk with someone who can help you strategize and implement the tools we talk about here.  What do you think?

Can you give us some more detail about your living situation?  Is your daughter in your home?  What other support do you have?  When was the last time you felt like "lying down to die"?  Are you safe in terms of those thoughts and from the violence your daughter engages in?

I apologize for all of the questions.  It just helps us help you if we have more info.  Of course, answer what you can and feel comfortable and leave the rest.

Again