Update on adult son learning to live independently

[Lollypop]

Hi there 

It's been a long while since I last posted. There's been some ups and downs since DS29 moved into his own place last May. The main two problems come unsurprisingly as "relationship problems with others" and "financial management".

DS29 had big problems coping with a neighbour and eventually decided he couldn't live there any more. This followed a confrontational screaming session in the street. He came home for a month to regain some balance. We didn't ask for any financial contribution because we wanted a clear message that him coming home was temporary and we felt him to be quite unwell.

However, we ended up lending him some more money. Hubble has resented the low level of repayment of a first loan to buy a car throughout the year, he felt cornered in agreeing to a further loan for a car bill (1st red flag!). However, on the positive side, DS is repaying us each week and never fails. He understands a firm deadline of end of February to repay in full the second further loan. I have faith in him and to be completely honest - he HAS to pay us because we have our own big bill to pay in March. Our financial situation is tight and sharing this has helped DS relate to us. He sees our struggle. Life isn't easy.

I stepped in to find him a new place, despite knowing that this was his responsibility. It's hard to change and stop trying to make things better for them. I'm glad he didn't bend on this pressure I put on him. Internally I was worried his stay with us might not be that temporary!

He asked for help to move out of his flat. We worked together, Hubble helped with lifting and transport. DS and I cleaned to ensure he got his deposit back.  He asked me to be there when the flat was inspected and it was paid back in full. He couldn't believe it and learnt a lesson. Did we see anything of that returned deposit?  No!  And we resented it. With some gentle probing, I finally understood he's maxd out on an overdraft (one that the bank offered to him and that's outrageous given his credit rating). Second red flag!

DS found himself a new place to live that is a lot cheaper. He asked for advice on how to manage communications with the potential landlord over Xmas. It's a mobile home but the disadvantages are outweighed by the extra living space and location. It's near work and isolated with a lovely view. His only neighbour is his landlord/lady who he knows reasonably well - finger's crossed. He has been there nearly two weeks and hasn't unpacked.

When I was cleaning I found a big pile of unopened letters (3rd red flag!). I gathered them up and told him I had them. The following weekend I chose my moment after a relaxed Sunday Dinner and asked if I could open the letters and he asked to do it together "but not right now, I can't face it". We agreed a day that week. It's taken many get-togethers to help breakdown the tasks so he could emotionally cope with "facing his music".
1. open the letters
2. contact the top three debts
3. secure payment arrangement
4. make immediate payment and confirm set up of monthly payments
5. gather information for his annual tax submission
6. submit his tax information
7. make a payment and agree repayment plan
 
I can't quite believe how much he has learned and grown over the last 6 weeks. He's been involved at every stage and never once have I criticised or judged. A gentle mention of "it all starts with opening your letters". He found it all so very overwhelming.

There's a few outstanding things to do and I'll keep my eye on them. He also faced a large tax bill and coped. He feels an adult and able to talk and moan about the tax man with both of his bosses. The fact is that he makes good money and can easily repay these debts. Money just slips out of his hands and it's unreal.

So here we are. DS29 now in a long term relationship with an older woman, loves his job, living arrangements and finances in place (nearly). Good relationship with us and his brother. He left our house feeling happy to have got his finances in some control. Look at how far we've come. Let's be truthful though, there will always be problems. DS will always find it difficult to cope with life.

Thank you BPD family. You saved my family.

I hope that somebody here relates to my story in some way. This is why I write. There is hope. It taken a million tiny steps, always with the main top number one priority being my relationship with my adult son. 

I've been doing some research into DS's behaviours and have considered  ODD. ODD makes sense to me. I also read about a weighted blanket yesterday and wonder if this may help with his anxiety (or mine for that matter!). Has anybody got any experience of them because they're expensive?

How am I?  Slowly learning how to take better care of myself.

Onwards

 

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

LP,
I’ve missed you as I relate so much with you and journey w/son. Many parts resonate with me-money slipping thru fingers, how the don’t open mail, avoid dealing with creditors. My older 2 sons do same.

Just yesterday my T pointed out to me that even though I might “say” the right things, everyone knows how filled with judgment I am deep down. She told me not to fool myself into believing I can hide that. She also told me I’ve not Radically Accepted my kids being neuro atypical bc R.A. doesn’t have judgment and resentment simmering below surface. She said this indicates that I’m not taking enough self care and still absorbing too much of my kid’s problems -if not physically then mentally. Their problems are taking up most of my mental filing cabinet! Lots more work to be done here.

Ok, now the weighted blankets-YES, they work! Don’t go too heavy, picking the right weight is a bit tricky. Treat yourself and DS. We’ve had them for 5 yrs. what I find so telling is that 5 yrs ago I had to buy thru an exclusive site for Autistic kids, now they sell them at Walmart. This indicates that the entire world is anxious and sleepless. You can also make them yourself-try Pinterest.

Hugs,
Peacemom

[livednlearned]

  LP! I missed you friend.

Thank you for the inspiration -- for me, it's S18 who is neurodiverse (asperger's) and I can imagine him being exactly how you describe your DS29: not opening letters, letting important things slide, always seeming to be barely holding it together.

And yet, like you say, tiny little changes! Did you see that Marsha Linehan wrote a book about her life? I'm almost all the way through and learning so much, especially about the difference between willfulness and willingness. I am so much more willful than S18 and he is teaching me how to be willing. I am trying to meet him half way, learning to acknowledge my frustration as my journey, just showing up for S18 and going through the steps of launching to adulthood with him. But oof. Is it ever frustrating at times. 

S18 has a weighted blanket altho it is perhaps a bit too heavy and hot (he runs hot) so it seems to get use inconsistently. He has gotten more out of a shower head we replaced that seems to help him regulate his nervous system, sort of doing the same thing.

Did DS29 mention weighted blanket to you?

[Lollypop]

Hi there 

I’m not taking enough self care and still absorbing too much of my kid’s problems

I think this point may be my whole life journey...but I am getting better!  In my very early days here on the forum somebody wise said I needed a benchmark ; a kind of tool to help me understand what was acceptable behaviour towards another adult. They advised me to really think about what I was responsible for and it's certainly not their debts. And importantly, anything I am not responsible for I must detach myself from. The sheer frustration of them ignoring important matters drove me nuts, but somehow I've got much better at leaving him to his life. My problem, like you said, is learning how to do good self care.

I haven't read the new book but know I should. I did soo much reading at the beginning of this journey I think I kind of burnt myself out there for awhile. I find it a challenge to approach things half-way. I know my hard work to learn as quickly as I could paid off but with hindsight, it was all just to "fix". I distract myself with other people's problems instead of focussing on my responsibilities to myself because...it's a lot easier to do that ha ha!

Livednlearned: I love how you talk about meeting them half-way because that's what we've done. We ignore what we can't change, focus on what we can and to be honest we have very little that we can influence. They live their own lives in the way that they choose to do and boy it's so frustrating!

I saw the weighted blanket on social media this morning for the first time. I'll think about it as things are a bit tight at the moment.

LP